Confessions
As much as I wanted to stay and relive what had just happened with Draco, being alone in Snape’s office made me feel so uneasy that I practically tripped over my own feet in my hurry to leave. Draco had already disappeared by the time I’d gotten myself together and made sure it didn’t look like I had just almost had sex in a professor’s office. I could feel the weight of the events in that office begin to crush down onto me until my chest felt stuck and my hands shook as I left.
I leaned against the wall of the corridor once I had gotten a good distance away from that dark space, letting myself take only a few moments to give into the pure terror that had filled every bit of me, every space between my skin and bones. The harsh almost-reality that nearly came to pass caused a renewed flood of anxiety to rush through me, almost submerging me with its power. Only a few moments; I could feel this panic, this horrified fear for a few moments before I needed to collect myself and continue.
It was the only way I’d gotten through all the hardships in my life. If I spun it enough, I could make myself believe this was no different. I had no choice but to make myself believe it, because if I didn’t?
A semi-maniacal laugh bubbled up in my chest against my will as I leaned my back against the hallway wall. Fuck , I had just been tied to a chair with a Death Eater threatening me because I overheard his conversation with the fucking Dark Lord himself. The situation was so fucking far from funny and I knew that, but it helped me lessen the severity of it. Or maybe I really was just going insane. My actions lately were probably enough to land me in a nice, long-term room at St. Mungos.
And Christ, I had almost just had sex for the first time. In Snape’s office. With Draco fucking Malfoy. The worst part was, I only regretted the fact that we had been somewhere so unsettling and public.
Yes, I was still angry at the fact that he had taken my memory, but I didn’t think I was angry at him anymore. It felt incredibly conflicting, because I hated that my mind had been invaded, but hearing him explain himself, I realized that it was, in his own fucked up way, his way of protecting me.
Now that was funny, I thought to myself as I forced two deep breaths in and out of my lungs. I pushed myself off the wall, feeling the way I shoved down my panic and fear until it was crammed into the back corner of my mind where I could leave it there until I had time and space to deal with it. So, probably never.
Draco Malfoy, protecting me. What a peculiar thing to be shielded by him rather than attacked. Though, by erasing my memories, he had oddly enough managed to do both at the same time.
Far be it from me to judge someone on the morality of their actions, especially Draco. I knew better than to expect healthy communication from him, but I hardly was any better. It made me furious at first, but now…
Fuck me, I felt flattered . Special, even. Draco had stuck his neck out for me twice now, even if it hadn’t been done in the best way. I couldn’t help but think that perhaps I was significant to him as I walked away from Snape’s office.
For the first time, I wished I could talk about him to someone. Of course I couldn’t spill everything that had happened between us, but I wanted to. I wanted to obsess over little things about him with Hermione or Cho, I wanted to talk about how incredible I felt as he kissed me, about how fiery and addicting his touch was.
The novelty of feeling anything other than utter contempt for Draco wasn’t lost on me, but I was slowly becoming more--not comfortable --but less horrified at the idea. Being the rational person I was, there was always that lingering, nagging thought in the back of my head that reminded this wasn’t something that could last very long at all.
I found myself ignoring that thought more and more every time I felt Draco’s lips against mine. Relationships at this age didn’t really ever have a long lifespan anyways. Even healthy, non-toxic ones that didn’t involve a boy whose father was a Death Eater. That didn’t involve a boy who possibly was one himself.
Any excuse to let myself keep giving into him, right?
Maybe it was a form of self punishment, maybe my father gifting me that lovely black eye over Christmas had shaken my head a bit too hard, but I was tired of caring about the reason why . I was tired of not letting myself indulge in the one thing I’d ever wanted so much. I was tired of promising myself it was the last time when I knew good and well I couldn’t stay away from Draco even if I tried.
I was tired of everything, really, besides him.
And the fact that he had told me he’d fallen in love with me? Gods above, I barely believed my ears as he told me he had meant it when he’d confessed his love. For a few heart wrenching moments after I had relived the memory, I thought he’d erased it because he hadn’t meant it or that he was embarrassed to have such monumental feelings for me.
I wish I had been brave enough to tell him I felt the same way. Usually, I would expect someone to already know from my actions, but given the circumstances, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Draco assumed I still hated him.
Fuck, I wished I could talk to Hermione about this. She was always so level-headed.
Classes were done for the day, but the burning golds and reds of the sun setting in the sky told me I’d been in Snape’s office for at least an hour. Perhaps I should’ve felt more shaken by the events that had just occurred. I definitely should’ve felt more terrified about the fact that Snape had caught me, but I think I’d gotten too good at compartmentalizing my problems. All my brain could focus on was Draco, though. Draco, and my growling stomach that was growing louder by the second. I was too hungry to bother going all the way to my room to change, so I headed towards the Great Hall in search of my friends and some dinner.
The spiced, hearty smell of soups and bread greeted me as I walked in, scanning the room for Hermione, Cho, or Luna. Candles floated above my head, casting flickering shadows over the softly lit dining hall. It was still cold out, but someone had begun adding decorations reminiscent of spring, perhaps in hopes that it would invite warmer weather to the castle. Vases of palely colored flowers were placed throughout the room, giving the space a cheery, peaceful atmosphere.
Spotting Hermione and Cho sitting at a table, I set course for them, thanking the heavens that Harry was nowhere to be seen. Things with Harry...well, they weren’t any worse, but they surely weren’t better, either. Making the situation better would require Harry actually interacting with me, and I hadn’t heard a word from him since he and Draco had gotten in that ridiculous fight.
Hermione smiled kindly at me as I sat down, reaching for a warm roll. “Hey, Elaine,” she said. “Did you get everything figured out with Slughorn?”
I nodded as I bit into my roll, a buttery, flaky taste settling on my tongue. “Yeah, he’s going to let me make up the potion.”
“Good, that’s wonderful. You seemed rather...distracted. Are you okay?” Hermione asked.
That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? “Yes, just didn’t get much sleep last night, you know?”
I couldn’t really tell either of them why, and I felt incredibly guilty about lying, but it was for their own safety. The less they knew, the better. “I’m really in need of a bit of a girl’s night, to be honest. I know it’s only Thursday and we have class tomorrow, but-”
“Of course we can have a girl’s night,” Cho said. “I think we all could use that.”
I smiled gratefully at her and continued my dinner, feeling a bit more at peace at the thought of spending some time with my friends.
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A few hours later, and I was sprawled across Hermione’s bed in her Prefect dorm. My wrists still felt a bit chafed from being bound by those awful, abrasive ropes Draco and Snape had conjured, but I had made sure my sleeves stayed tugged over my raw skin. I had little energy to explain to Hermione and Cho why I had rope marks on my wrists.
Jealous was certainly an understatement when it came to how I felt about not having my own room like she did. Hermione’s room was practically her soul personified. Shelves lined three out of the four walls and were brimming with books, stacks of textbooks and parchment and ink lay on her desk, and everything was either a muted light green or a soft gray, which were her two favorite colors. She even had her own coffee machine and supplies to keep her going through her long nights of studying. Hogwarts offered thirteen subjects, and she was taking them all. It was a wonder how she had time to do anything else. Hermione claimed Dumbledore had taken her Time Turner after the events of our third year, but sometimes I suspected otherwise.
It was a comforting space, always a warm temperature and the smell of new parchment and lavender filled the air. Cho was sitting in Hermione’s desk chair while we waited for her to finish getting unready from the day.
She finally appeared from the bathroom, her curly hair damp from her shower. With an old t-shirt that advertised one of her favorite Muggle bands, she was gently patting at her hair, soaking up the excess water. Cho and I were still in our school uniforms, figuring we’d only spend a few hours together before we returned to our dorm room to sleep.
Sitting down on the bed with me, Hermione loosed a sigh. “I feel like I haven’t had two moments to myself that weren’t filled with studying since September,” she lamented.
“I still can’t believe you’re taking thirteen subjects,” I said, propping myself up with an elbow. “I feel overwhelmed as is, and I’m only taking seven or eight.”
“I swear, you’re the smartest person I’m ever going to meet,” Cho chimed in, making Hermione smile.
“I just work hard, that’s all. But this isn’t a night to talk about school, so I’m saying it’s banned for the rest of the night. Thoughts?”
Cho and I nodded our agreement. Talking about school would only make me feel worse and would do nothing but remind me of Potions and of Snape, and I needed a breather from both of those things.
Hermione suddenly let out a gasp and ran to her bathroom, making Cho and I cast curious glances at each other. After a moment, Hermione reemerged, holding a small brown paper bag.
Setting it down next to me, she opened the bag, and we were instantly met with the sweet, strong smell of an herb I couldn’t quite remember the name of. The scent, though, the scent was unforgettable; it was one of those plants that Professor Sprout had said, when consumed, caused the person’s brain to relax and dampened the senses enough that they could practically forget about everything that plagued them. I pulled myself up to a sitting position to see what Hermione had procured.
Cho’s eyes lit up with excitement. “Miss Prefect , is that what I think it is? Where did you manage to get some of this?”
“Neville grows it in the greenhouses, but you didn’t hear it from me,” Hermione said. “Turns out, he’s a rather decent baker. It helps me study.”
Cho snorted. “Study, my ass. Last time I had some of this, I could barely move because of how light my head felt. It was awesome,” she sighed, remembering the pleasant memory.
“Elaine, have you had it before?” Hermione asked.
I shook my head no. My only experience with something of this caliber had been the summer between fourth and fifth year when a neighborhood boy I’d been flirting with had smoked with me late one night. He’d ended up getting so intoxicated I’d had to basically drag him home afterwards. “If you’re offering, though…”
Hermione grinned. “Great! I’d rather use the edibles this time. The smoke is messy and it lingers for days .”
Cho shrugged. “Hey, fine by me. The smoke hurts my throat anyways.”
Hermione dug out three squares that looked remarkably like ordinary brownies. When I raised my eyebrows, Hermione just laughed and handed me one. “Start with a bit at a time, okay?”
I nodded, biting into the brownie. A rich, slightly herbal taste flooded my mouth, making me hum in appreciation. I hadn’t been expecting it to taste so good or so normal. Cho and Hermione did the same, though they took much bigger bites than I. Setting my piece to the side, I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging them into my torso. A slight sting wrapped around my wrists at the fabric of my sleeves rubbing against the tender skin, but I ignored the subtle pain as Cho spoke.
“How’re things going with Ron, Hermione? Seems like he can barely keep his eyes off you.”
Hermione flushed, playing with a coil of curls as she replied. “It’s good! I mean, it’s great, really. It still doesn’t feel real sometimes, you know?”
I nearly smacked myself in frustration. I had been so wrapped up in myself lately that I had totally forgotten to ask if anything more had happened with the two of them after Hermione had told me they’d kissed the first time.
Cho nodded, smiling fondly. “Believe me, I know. With Cedric…” she sighed. “We’ve been together for a while now, but I still look at him sometimes and wonder how I managed to get with him.”
I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. “Don’t be daft, Chang. Have you seen yourself? Harry was practically falling at your feet all year last year. You and Ced belong together.”
“And what about you?” Cho asked, and I felt my heart skip a beat.
“What about me?”
“Anyone caught your eye lately?” Cho elaborated.
The brownie was beginning to make my head feel a bit light, almost like I was floating. A pleasant experience, really, and it helped ease the anxiety that was starting to flare up at the mention of my love life. “Oh, um…”
Maybe Hermione had forgotten, maybe Harry hadn’t told her at all, but she seemed entirely clueless as she giggled. “Oh, Elaine’s blushing! There is someone!”
“Is it the same someone that gave you that monster of a hickey a little bit ago?” Cho questioned, making me bite the inside of my lip as I recalled Draco’s feverish lips attacking my neck.
I paused for a moment, then nodded slowly. Hermione clapped her hands together and Cho squealed, which must’ve been caused by the brownie, because Cho never squealed. It made me laugh, a bit of a loose, crazy laugh that seemed to leech some of the tension from my body.
“Who? Please, you have to tell us!” Hermione pleaded, crossing her legs and tucking her feet under her on the bed next to you.
There was no way I could tell them it was Draco, not without going into everything , and my head felt much too light for that. But fuck, I really, really wanted to pretend I was a normal girl for just a night and gush about the boy I had a crush on. About the boy I possibly loved , as scary as that notion was.
“He’s…” God, how to describe Draco? “He’s...he’s serious, way too serious, but he’s smart. Like, wicked smart. He’s got this smile that just,” I shivered, making Cho snort. “It just makes me feel like I have a whole flock of butterflies in my stomach. Sometimes...most of the time, he’s not terribly nice,” I said, my mouth feeling a bit dry as the full effects of Neville’s creation took hold of me.
Hermione lifted a brow. “Then why do you like him?”
Why did I? I’d been wondering that myself for what seemed like weeks now.
“Because...fuck, because around him, it’s just me , y’know? I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to hide the horrible--hide anything, and somehow, he knows all of the shit that’s happened to me. I didn’t even mean for him to know, it just kept happening. He just kept showing up right when I was doing the worst. Sure, he’s a perfect dickhead more often than not, but being able to be the barest version of myself around someone and not have them pity me is…” I paused, trying to find the right words as I fought through the fog growing around my mind.
“It’s not something I’ve ever had before, not like I do with him, and I feel like he doesn’t care if-if I’m a terrible person or not. He doesn’t care if I’m mean, or if I lash out, because he does too. I’m so sick of being pitied.”
I swallowed, suddenly feeling rather embarrassed about my outpouring of emotions, but I continued, because it was so relieving to be able to talk about Draco, even in such vague terms. “I think I like him because, more than anything else, he understands me. He’s seen...god, he’s seen me at my fucking worst, you guys. And he didn’t give a fuck.”
Cho and Hermione could tell I wasn’t done, that I needed to keep going, because they just sat quietly, looking at me without a shred of judgement.
“And-fuck, it’s not healthy, honestly, not really, but-” I cut myself off as a giggle rose up in my throat as I thought about just how strange Draco and I’s relationship was. “But I’m kind of tired of being healthy, I think? I know that doesn’t sound good, but having someone who doesn’t give a shit about...well, he gives a shit about me, or at least, I’m pretty sure he does. But he doesn’t care about my father or the shit he’s put me through. He...fuck, he can even tell when I really need to talk about my father even when I’m yelling at him to leave me alone. He can always tell when I need to get something out of my system, sometimes before I know it myself.”
I took a breath, feeling more at ease than I had in so, so long. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s so fucking hot it nearly makes my head spin, but he also pisses me off more than anyone I’ve ever met. He’s confusing and rude and does things that I don’t understand at all, but when I really need someone, when things get dark and I feel like I’d rather just drown in it than wake up the next day, he pulls me up.”
My friends are looking at me with an expression I can’t quite place as I work through why I like Draco for the first time, right in front of them. “I think...I think I like him because...he makes me want to keep going. He doesn’t let me give up, even when I wanted to more than anything. And I’ve wanted to more than I’d like to admit this year. I’ve wanted…” I stopped, suddenly feeling emotion surge in my chest, making my throat feel thick with tears. “When he found out I had been kicked out, he acted like such an asshole. I almost punched him, I think.”
“What did he do?” Cho asked even as Hermione furrowed her brow at our friend for interrupting me.
Recalling the dangerous way Draco’s silver eyes had glinted like daggers when he had seen my black eye made my stomach flip. Remembering the way he had touched the bruise so gently, as if he were going to break me if he moved too fast had my heart skipping as I answered, “He pestered me and insulted me until I got so angry I told him and I think that was the only reason I didn’t…”
I couldn’t finish that sentence, not with the quasi-drug in my system that was making it hard to speak as it was.
“He made me angry on purpose, I think. Like he knew that I needed to just let it out, or I’d smother it until it broke free and smothered me instead,” I finished softly.
Hermione looked at me, and I saw small silver drops running down her face that I realized, after a long moment, were tears. “‘Mione?”
Hermione shakes her head, clumsily wiping away the faint traces of moisture. “Sorry, I just...Elaine, I’m so sorry. I didn’t-I didn’t know you were struggling so much. God, that sounds so stupid, but-”
Even through the warm confusion of the herb coursing through me, I felt my heart fracture a tiny bit at the sorrow in Hermione’s voice. “No, it’s-it’s really okay,” I assured her. “How would you? I never said anything. I haven’t even spent much time with either of you lately,” I said, suddenly feeling regret as I realized I’d been quite a shitty friend to both of them in the past few months.
“I’m sorry, too,” Cho said, in almost a whisper as she stood up and walked over to Hermione’s bed. She sat down, swaying a bit as she wrapped her arms around me in a hug that seemed to both suffocate and revive me.
Pulling away had been my immediate reaction whenever things had gotten rocky in the past, but as Cho held me and Hermione reached over and grabbed my hand, I realized that maybe I needed my friends more than I thought. Maybe if I hadn’t run away as soon as things got difficult, I wouldn’t have felt like falling apart as often as I did.
Eventually, they both pulled away, and with a few stray tears being wiped away, Cho asked me, “So have you and him-”
I shook my head, thinking about how just a few hours earlier, we almost had . “No, not-not yet,” I answered uncertainly.
Hermione widened her eyes. “Not yet?”
“I-I want to, though,” I said, because god, did I ever. It had felt like my skin was almost singing with need in Snape’s office as Draco had trailed his hands over every bit of my body he could reach “Soon, maybe.”
“Well, I mean, we know you two have kissed at least, right?” Hermione asked.
“Yeah, a number of times,” I admitted as my cheeks heated with embarrassment.
“That’s my girl!” Cho cheered, making me giggle. “It was good, right? Please tell me this incredible guy is also an incredible kisser.”
I bit my lip, willing my breath to even out as I thought about Draco’s mouth against mine, about how he tasted and the way every kiss felt like fire brushing my skin. “He’s...I didn’t think kissing could be so good.”
Hermione leaned her head on my shoulder, making me lean into her. “I know you don’t want to tell us who it is, and I don’t know why, but I’m just glad you have him. It sounds like you really need him.”
I had never considered that, but I guess I did need him. In more ways than one. Giggling about Draco Malfoy felt so insanely odd, but it had been so hard to work out my feelings about him on my own. I hadn’t seen it before, but now I knew it wasn’t a way to punish myself, at least not anymore. Maybe at the start. But now... It was a way to survive, to get through the things that I couldn’t push through by myself, as hard as I tried.
Talking about Draco helped me understand why I couldn’t stay away from him before. And why I didn’t want to stay away from him now.
The three of us talked for a while, but as the sky began to twinkle with stars and the moon shone high in the night sky, it became harder and harder to keep my eyes open. My entire body felt so heavy in a surprisingly pleasant way that I barely managed to mumble a soft goodnight before my eyes shut and I fell into a sleep that felt like a warm embrace.
-------
I hadn’t meant to fall asleep in Hermione’s dorm, which is why my white shirt felt stuck to my skin with sweat and why it took a minute to figure out where I was when I woke up. Hermione and Cho had both already gotten up, and the ornate wooden clock on her desk told me that I only had a few minutes to get ready before I would miss the chance to go down and eat breakfast.
Sitting up, I groaned at the cottony feeling in my head and wiped the sleep from my eyes. My shirt felt disgusting, making me grimace. “‘Mione?” I croaked.
Hermione’s head popped out of the bathroom, her dark curls bouncing softly. “Look who’s awake!”
I huffed. “Thanks for not bothering to wake me up. Now I’m going to miss breakfast because I have to run back to my dorm to change,” I sighed.
“Just borrow one of my shirts,” Hermione told me as she leaned back into the bathroom to continue getting ready. “There’s clean ones in the top drawer of my dresser.”
Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I noticed that feeling of calm I’d basked in still persisted. Christ, I had needed last night more than I’d thought, apparently. Wincing at the cold stone beneath my feet, I opened the top drawer of Hermione’s grey dresser and pulled out a new button-up shirt.
As I pulled off my own and donned hers, I looked at myself in her floor-length mirror that stood next to her dresser. My hair needed a bit of combing, but my skirt wasn’t too wrinkled, and my knee-high socks were still okay. Add a tiny bit of makeup, and I’d look good as new.
I ran into a problem, though, as I threaded the white buttons through the matching holes in my borrowed shirt. Both Hermione and I had forgotten that I was more well-endowed than her, causing the buttons to strain in a way that bordered on inappropriate against the size of my chest.
A whistle came from behind me, and I saw Cho standing behind me in the mirror. I scowled at her as I finished doing up the buttons. “It’s not my fault. My shirt was disgusting.”
Cho laughed. “Hey, I’m all for showing off your assets. Maybe it’ll catch your boy’s attention.”
I mumbled, “Shut it,” and Cho laughed again.
“Really, it doesn’t look that bad. You’d only notice it if you’re looking closely, and I’m guessing if someone’s looking that much, they’d like it anyways,” Cho reasoned, and I sighed.
It wasn’t like I had time to change, and I was even running out of time to complain as I did my best to gather my hair into a loose braid and use just enough makeup that I didn’t look dead. Hermione and Cho were practically dragging me out of Hermione’s room as I finished, whining at me that I’d make them miss breakfast, to which I responded that if they had bothered to wake me up earlier, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.
Thankfully, the Gryffindor common room was far closer to the Great Hall than the Ravenclaw tower, so we made it with more time to spare than we’d thought. Walking into the large room, I felt happier, brighter , than I had in awhile. It felt good to laugh, to just let go and not think about anything scarier than missing a meal.
I was so caught up in the joy of being with my friends that I didn’t even think to check if Draco was in the Great Hall as I walked in, so I didn’t really see him until Potions, as he had shown up late to Defense Against the Dark Arts and I had already begun taking notes. It took a monumental effort not to glance up at the boy who was apparently in love with me as he sauntered in and sat next to me.
To be honest, I had no idea how to act around him now. Or if I should even act differently at all. Surely, he wouldn’t act any differently, right? Yes, he’d confessed his feelings, yes, we’d almost had sex, but that didn’t mean anything when it came to Draco. If I had a dime for every time that I thought that boy would do one thing and he did something completely opposite, I might be almost as rich as him.
I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. As I informed him I’d grab the ingredients and all I received was a grunt in response, it felt like we were at a stalemate. In all fairness, I supposed it was my turn to do something, but, as much as I hated to admit it, I was scared.
Perhaps that anxiety was the reason I found myself snapping at him more than once. I hadn’t meant to be so short, but it took so much of my effort to keep my hands from trembling around him now that I sounded brisk and uptight.
Making the potion with him, because of course it was a partner potion, felt...well, it felt fucking terrible. I wanted to feel his icy hands on my skin, or his lips against mine, or see his sharp eyes flicker in amusement at something stupid I said. Going back to frigid, structured conversation made my chest ache with want. Catching his eyes glued to my chest more than once during Potions made fire spark in my stomach.
I think it was safe to say I needn’t struggle anymore figuring out how I felt about Draco.
Draco still got under my skin, but I had a sneaking suspicion that that was a permanent fixture between us. I had to admit, though, that it was easier to deal with when I could just think about the way his hands had run through my hair instead.
We made our potion, even got a compliment from Professor Slughorn, but all I could really focus on was the fact that I couldn’t find a way to tell Draco that I felt the same. He’d told me he was in love with me, even that he’d meant it.
Meaning it was different than wanting it, though. And that difference was like a concrete dam, forcing me to hold my feelings close to my chest. Draco was fickle; he changed as easily and as often as the direction of the wind whistling outside the castle as I left the dungeon and headed towards my dorm.
Meaning it and wanting it were different, and that was the reason that I couldn’t tell him I felt the same. We were so similar in so many ways, but where those similarities stopped was where I felt myself stopping, too.