Bad Decisions
Malfoy’s mouth was hot, soft, as I pressed my lips to his, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest as I crossed over that boundary, knowing that this was something I could never take back. He just...stood there for a moment, and I pulled away, embarrassment rising in my chest, making my stomach twist with nausea.
“I-”
“Shut up,” He practically growled at me before Malfoy’s strong arms encircled me and pulled me in until he was practically crushing me against his lithe chest, like he couldn’t get me close enough. His mouth began to move against mine, and I sighed gently into him, relief flooding me, the taste of his lips so sweet and enticing I couldn’t get enough. As his mouth slotted against mine, I realized just how damn long I had been longing to feel his lips on mine, and I couldn’t believe that it was actually happening. I should’ve felt panic, or fear, or the extreme urge to run as he pulled me in so close I could barely suck in a full breath, but all I felt was more , I wanted more .
Tentatively, I slid my hands from his chiseled cheeks to his pale hair, longing to finally feel his silky hair in between my fingers. Wrapping the blond tresses around my fingers, I tugged slightly, earning a low growl from Malfoy, lighting a heat in my core that should’ve sent me running, but didn’t, because I was already addicted to the feel of Malfoy’s mouth on mine. His lips moved slowly, our kisses long and passionate, as if we were trying to drink the other up as much as we could to make up for all the lost time. Malfoy unwrapped his arms from around me, and that panicking feeling of rejection set in, making me begin to lean away, before he moved to place one on my hip and the other roughly grabbing my chin, as if he couldn’t bear to let me move away. I didn’t want to either, because in that moment, as his hands lit a fire everywhere they touched and his mouth seemed to slot so perfectly against mine, I wouldn’t have moved away for all the money in the world.
The kisses were wonderful, but still slow, too slow after waiting so damn long, so I revved up my courage once more and gently bit his plush lower lip for just a moment, and the sound that Malfoy emitted was so low, so delicious , that I thought I might die right then and there. He angled my body away from the stained bed and towards the brick wall beside it, pressing me backwards until I hit the wall with a soft oof , the surface cold as it pressed through my thin undershirt. Malfoy trailed his hand from the bone of my hip to the hem of my black top, his fingers teasing the bare skin between my bottoms and the line of tank top fabric, making my body, seemingly out of its own volition, arch my back slightly to press into his touch as much as I could. An ache built in my core, Malfoy’s touches so utterly driving me wild.
Malfoy apparently didn’t want that, because he growled, and pushed me back so I was flush with the wall again, then resumed his lazy touches that were making my mind go foggy with want as he teased lazy lines between the two seams of my clothing, never straying his hand further north or south. Part of my mind was still screaming at me, telling me that this was a terrible, horrible, awful idea and that I was practically begging for my enemy, for the boy that had made my life hell, to use me and then discard of me like I was nothing, because that part of my mind was so certain that he would.
But I didn’t care. Not one bit. Especially not when his slender fingers wrapped gently around the column of my throat, making me gasp with anticipation. His fingertips felt like five individual matches searing my skin, but I couldn’t find it in myself to push him away. His touch was so addictive that all I could think about was feeling his big, slightly calloused, slender hands on every inch of my bare skin. Malfoy gave me one last deep, wild kiss that had me breathless, pressing his mouth firmly to mine so deeply that I couldn’t breathe, his hand pressing carefully into my throat, and then he finally disconnected his lips from mine, both of us panting slightly.
I searched his face for any sign of danger, of fury or disgust, but I found only want and disbelief plastered across his granite features. He lifted his hand off my throat, and I felt my stomach sink a millimeter as he did so, but he stayed close enough that his scent still clouded my nostrils, and as he looked at me, there was something so familiar about the smell…
Oh . God, maybe Malfoy was right, I was a goddamn idiot, because until that very moment, I hadn’t realized that…
“It smelled like your cologne,” I whispered, shocked that it had taken me so long to figure it out.
Malfoy, bare chest still heaving, tilted his head to the side in confusion.
I choked out a bewildered laugh. “The Amortentia,” I said in a way of explanation, and understanding that bloomed in Malfoy’s eyes.
“Fuck,” Malfoy said softly, those silver eyes searching my own. His hand was still on my stomach, and I wished desperately that he would keep it there, even as the sense of dread began to trickle in, because I was horrified he was going to yell, or scream, or maybe even retch with disgust at the fact that I had kissed him.
I nodded quickly in response, and his eyes flickered down to my mouth. “Maybe you do have some guts after all, Adler,” He said.
I huffed a small, nervous laugh. “You wouldn’t stop talking. I had to shut you up somehow.”
Malfoy let out a quick, choked laugh, the lightest sound I’d ever heard him make in all the years I had known him. “What a fucking mess,” He began, and I bit my lip anxiously.
“I…” I said, thinking over my words very carefully, because all I wanted to do was have his mouth on mine again, and I knew that if I said one word wrong, he would run off and probably never talk to me again. “We…”
Malfoy shook his head. “Elaine, for once, can we please not fucking talk about our feelings ,” He said, his eyes scanning my body up and down, my heart jumping at the way my name sounded coming from his slightly kiss-swollen lips, “And can we just...fuck, can we just let ourselves just enjoy this while it lasts? This doesn’t have to mean anything.”
Because it doesn’t, shouldn’t , mean anything, hung unsaid in the air between us, and I knew I was being stupid, and reckless, and quite possibly had lost my mind, because I nodded in agreement, and a devilish grin spread over Malfoy’s elegant face.
In one quick motion, his mouth was on mine again, and I nearly moaned at the soft sensation of his rosy lips between mine. I had never felt this level of desire, this amount of pure need, with anyone in my entire life, and it felt both overwhelming and completely right , and I could barely sort through my thoughts, especially with Malfoy’s hands and lips all over me. His hands both dropped down, cupping behind my thighs and hefting me up with a smooth, obviously well-practiced move, which caused a momentary spike of jealousy to run through me. Malfoy urged my thighs to wrap around his hips, and I complied eagerly, feeling his strong pelvis press into me, feeling him press into me, and I did let a moan out at that, releasing the sound into Malfoy’s mouth that was still moving against mine. His large hands nearly wrapped around the entire width of the backs of my thigh, and I reached up with a hand to wrap around the nape of his neck, tugging him ever closer, wanting, needing , more of every bit of him. As I did, one of his hands trailed up to cup my ass, grabbing it roughly in his wide palm, and I pressed into the warm touch.
His bare chest heaved against me, and I reached out with a nervous hand to touch his chiseled chest like my mind had urged me to that day in the rain before our first Quidditch match. His skin was smooth, hot, and corded with toned muscled as I trailed down his abdomen, carefully avoiding his still-tender wounds. I reached the bottom of his torso, the hem of his pants rough against my fingertips, and I remembered the sight of his hipbone disappearing under his pants the first time I had saved his life, making me almost groan with the memory. Slowly, I slipped a finger below the hem, brushing the skin near his hip ever so lightly.
Malfoy’s hips began to move against mine, and I whimpered into his mouth, feeling his member press roughly against me, causing the previously slow-building ache to skyrocket as I felt him in between my thighs. Malfoy attacked my mouth with a renewed fervor at that, and I felt so overwhelmed and so good that my head was swimming, even as our actions were relatively mild compared to some of the stories I had heard from Cho and Hermione. His teeth caught my lower lip and bit rather roughly, causing a surprised sound to emit from my mouth, and Malfoy repeated the motion, tugging slightly. He pulled back for just a moment, a wild light in his eyes as he looked at me, and then began trailing feather-light kisses across my jaw, to my ear, and down my neck, each connection not nearly enough for what my body was craving, and I tilted my head back as much as I could pressed against the brick wall, drowning in the feeling of his hot mouth on the tender skin of my jaw and neck. Malfoy continued his too-gentle kisses, occasionally barely scraping against the sensitive skin with his teeth, and I felt frustration bubble up in me at his annoyingly fleeting touches. An involuntary, inpatient whine escaped my throat as he pressed the lightest kiss yet to just below the corner of my jaw, and as I did, a low snort rumbled in the blond boy’s chest.
His mouth still hovering near my neck, he asked in an innocently sweet voice, “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head, my dignity having already plummeted much too far that night. I would not beg, or do anything of the sort, not when it came to Malfoy. Malfoy stood up completely then, his hands still squeezing my thighs. My heart sunk as he stopped his motions, and I felt my face fall as he looked at me.
“I asked you a question,” He said, his voice near a growl. “Answer.”
I shook my head again, looking away from him, my face burning red with embarrassment, because how the hell was I actually supposed to voice that I wanted more from the only person I had ever felt genuine hatred for?
His eyes turned fiery, and he pressed his hips even harder into me, replacing the support that his left hand had been offering as he lifted it up to grab my chin, forcing me to look at him, his steely eyes bright and focused.
My breath stuttered in my chest, and my heart was racing, a mixture of anxiety and excitement swirling within me. I debated saying nothing, but god, I was already so far into the massive pile of shit that was this new...development in Malfoy and I’s relationship, and I had already done so many idiotic things that night, one more couldn’t hurt.
“Please,” I said, my voice barely above a shaky whisper.
Dangerous excitement lit Malfoy’s eyes, but his grip still held firm on my chin. “Please what?” He questioned, a knowing grin already painted on his stupidly smug, stupidly handsome face.
I glared at him, though it lacked any real fire because his hand was still a fiery collar around my throat and his hips were still pressed so deliciously into mine. My jaw clenched with stubbornness, but he merely looked at me expectantly. “Just...please,” I said pathetically.
Malfoy shook his head. “Either tell me, or I’m walking out of this room right now.”
Shit . I sucked in a short breath, my face heating with shame as I spoke, trying to look anywhere other than his eyes. “I need more,” I mumbled.
A smug smirk painted Malfoy’s face, and my face was practically burning as he looked at me. “Good girl,” He murmured, so softly I wasn’t entirely sure I had heard him right.
His words sent heat pooling in my core, and he finally put his lips back on my neck, scraping his teeth roughly against the soft skin, and I let out a high-pitched sound full of pleasure as he did, the combination of pain from his teeth and pleasure from the burning kisses he would place right after making me feel like there was nothing else in the world besides his mouth on me.
The brick was beginning to scrape roughly into my back as Malfoy moved, bringing clarity to my lust-fogged mind, so I reluctantly tugged my legs out of his grasp, placing my feet on the ground, wobbling under my own weight. Malfoy pulled back just enough to let me down, but he was still too close for me to even begin to try and think properly, and though I wanted this to continue forever, I didn’t want to do anything I’d regret.
Well, anything else .
Malfoy towered over me, looking down at my face with those wintery eyes of his, and I found my eyes begging me to look down at his uncovered chest that was pricked with bits of sweat from our...activities. His pale torso glistened with moisture, the sweat highlighting the higher ridges of his barely healed torso, and the sight of his injuries sent my head spinning; not in the warm, pleasant way were he was all I could think of, but in the panicked, scared way where I began to realize just exactly what had happened over the course of the dark night.
“Malfoy, I--” I began, and I guess my features gave away how I was feeling, because Malfoy, as quick as I blinked, turned stony and frozen, his eyes flashing with rejection so quickly I barely caught it.
“No, shut up,” Malfoy interrupted, backing away from me. “Don’t.”
“But-”
“I fucking said shut up,” He growled. “I said we don’t have to talk about this, about whatever the hell just happened. Why don’t you ever fucking listen?”
I balked in the face of his rising rage. “I just wanted to-”
“No! No. Don’t you get it? We can’t, we can’t,” Malfoy muttered, running his hands through his hair that was still messy from my touches. “We can’t. We can’t talk about this, we can’t even think about it, because this can’t fucking happen.”
“But it did! And I know I kissed you, but you-”
“I know what I fucking did!” He snarled, and I was getting really fucking fed up with him not letting me speak.
“Can you fucking shut it and let me speak for once? Jesus Christ,” I snapped, sighing with annoyance. “I...god, I hate myself for this, and I’m sure you do, too, but you can’t just act like this didn’t happen!”
Malfoy looked at me, disgust curling his features. “Fucking watch me. This never fucking happened, and if you ever say otherwise, you’ll fucking regret it,” He growled, and stormed out of the room, bloodied shirt still laying on the stained white sheets of the bed. The burning heat of want disappeared into thin air along with Malfoy, and I was left uncomfortable and ashamed. My stomach sunk, horror and nausea swirling together to create a horrific, heavy sludge, making me feel like I was about to vomit. My hands began to shake and I took a shuddering breath, everything crashing down on me. I should’ve known that that was how it was going to go; my brain had tried to tell me, and yet I had been so seduced by Malfoy showing me the smallest bit of affection that I had ignored it.
I had kissed Malfoy. I had kissed Draco Malfoy , and he had kissed me back, and then fucking left me here, and--and now…
Pain rippled through me as I bent over and the contents of my stomach came pouring out as my mind caught up with the actions of my body. I wiped my mouth and leaned against the wall, my vision spinning, shame and disgust flowing through me. Disgust at the fact that I had kissed the person who had made my life hell more than anyone alive besides my father, disgust at the fact that I had even wanted to.
Disgust, because I wanted more.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to dowse the wildfire of dread and utter self-hatred that was trying to swallow me like dry kindling, but I couldn’t; it burned bright in me, so bright that I let out a frustrated yell and spun around, smashing my fist into the solid brick behind me. My hand flared with agony, but the pain was a welcome distraction from what I had just done.
I took a few moments to collect my things, and I exited the Room of Requirement, somehow managing to get myself back to my dormitory without any more unpleasantness, and, barely remembering to change my bloodied shirt for a clean one, collapsed immediately onto my bed, darkness swallowing me as my brain welcomed the feeling of much needed sleep.
-------
The next morning, I woke up to Cho shaking me aggressively, making me mumble angrily and try and turn over, but she wouldn’t have it.
“Elaine, get up! You’re going to miss breakfast,” Cho warned, her voice pulling me from my sleep.
“Go away,” I mumbled, trying to fight her hand off.
Cho rolled her eyes and tore my covers off, making me yelp as the cold morning air met my skin. “Jesus, Cho!”
Cho sighed. “Seriously, let’s go. I don’t want to miss breakfast.”
I returned her sigh and sat up, letting my eyes adjust to the bright sunlight streaming in through the thick window next to me. As I turned to grab a sweater, Cho let out a gasp.
“Merlin’s beard, Elaine. You have some fun last night?” Cho said, sounding a bit impressed.
My stomach plummeted, and it felt like I had been caught doing something I shouldn’t have. “Fuck,” I grumbled, closing my eyes and rubbing them fiercely with the heels of my hands, pain rippling through the hand that had collided with the wall. So last night hadn’t been some blood loss-induced fever dream. I had actually kissed Draco Malfoy. And had also been left alone by him once more. My mood sank, though I tried to keep my face neutral even as I felt like crying.
I quickly grabbed a sweater that had a higher collar and tugged it over my head, my side protesting with an ache at the quick movement, still not quite recovered from the night before.
Standing up, I combed through my hair with my fingers, holding in a whimper as I felt, rather than saw, the effects of my release of anger on my hand last night, and told Cho I was ready to go, receiving a stern look in return.
“What?” I asked as we left the dormitory, heading down to the common room and out of the tower.
“You know what,” Cho said, rolling her eyes. “You wake up with a giant bruise right there,” she poked the bruised skin on the junction of my neck and shoulder, “And you really ask me what I’m so shocked about?”
I batted her hand away. “Knock that off. It’s no big deal, really,” I responded.
“No big deal,” Cho repeated. “You’re ridiculous, but fine, you don’t want to talk about it. I respect that. Can you at least tell me who it was so I can be excited that you’ve moved on from Harry?” She asked, giving me her best puppy eyes, making me smile.
Moved on from Harry. Had I? I mean, I hadn’t thought about him once while kissing Malfoy, so I supposed that meant that I was. Or it just meant I hadn’t been thinking clearly. Obviously, I couldn’t actually tell her who it was, because I had no desire to deal with Cho’s judgement or Malfoy’s inescapable wrath when he found out, because he definitely would. I scrambled for a moment, trying to think.
“It was, um,” I began, Cho’s expectant gaze boring into me. “Um, it’s...a secret,” I finished lamely, giving her a weak smile.
Cho pouted. “Fine, don’t tell me. Whatever,” She sighed dramatically, but I knew that she wasn’t actually that upset by the jovial light in her eyes. “Will you at least tell me how it was?”
God, what a question. How had it been? I hadn’t really given myself time at all to consider if it had been good or not, considering the extreme anxiety I felt about the entire situation.
We entered the Great Hall, and I sighed. “God, it was...it was good,” I told her, my cheeks flushing, my mind flooding with the faint traces of heat and want and desire from last night, making me feel even worse than before.
Cho giggled, patting me on the shoulder. “Good, you deserve some fun!” She told me, sitting down with Hermione and Ron at the head of the table, the two of them already eating.
I hesitated as she did, not sure if I wanted to be in a situation where I would see Harry after the events of the previous night, but Ron, his mouth full of food, told me to sit, and, a bit reluctantly, I did. Hermione had a book open in front of her, carefully placed away from Ron’s aggressive chewing, and she smiled at the two of us as we sat.
“Elaine has a hickey!” Cho burst out, wearing a shit-eating grin.
I groaned, placing my head in my hands. “Really, Cho? Was that necessary?”
Ron looked at me with wide eyes, and Hermione rolled her eyes, though she was smiling slightly. “A hickey?” Ron said, his words garbled by the bite of pancake he had just stuffed in his mouth.
“It’s not a big deal,” I grumbled, popping a blueberry in my mouth. “It’s not like we’re twelve or something. It happens.”
“But she won’t say who,” Cho informed the pair sitting across from us as Harry walked up behind Hermione and Ron, sitting next to his ginger friend.
“Say who did what?” Harry asked casually, avoiding looking at me and beginning to fill his plate up.
“Who gave her the hickey,” Cho told him, and he choked on his sip of water.
Ron smacked him on the back, and Harry motioned that he was fine. My face began heating up as Harry looked at me, a suspecting look in his eyes. I prayed that he wouldn’t put two and two together, that this was one of those times where he was going to be painfully oblivious, but I doubted I would be so lucky.
Harry merely said, “Oh,” in a disinterested tone and started to eat, the conversation carrying on, leaving the topic of the bruise on my neck behind much to my relief. Breakfast was quick because I had woken up so late, and everyone left for class. I decided it was best to go to the hospital wing first to get my aching hand examined, telling my friends I had accidentally hit it in the middle of the night on my bedside table, so I made my way there, but Harry appeared beside me, telling the others he was going to walk with me to his class that was on the way to the hospital wing.
It definitely wasn’t, but I couldn’t very well just tell him to piss off, even though as he walked silently with me, that’s all I wanted to do. As we left the more crowded hallways of the castle, Harry grabbed my arm to stop me from walking.
“So how long have you been shagging Malfoy?” He demanded, making my face twist with confusion, and I hoped the fake look of disgust and surprise I plastered on my face was convincing enough.
“I am not shagging Malfoy,” I shot back. “What the fuck makes you think that?”
Harry rolled his eyes unkindly. “I know that you did not have that hickey last night, and suddenly, you show up with one this morning. Unless you’ve started having midnight hookups with random boys, the only boy you were with last night was Malfoy. He told me to leave when I was trying to help you. What the hell else am I supposed to assume?”
Shame and anger bubbled up, and I tried to swallow it down. “I didn’t have sex with Malfoy. I would hope you think a little higher of me than that, Potter,” I spat, though part of me winced at that, because my standards last night had been abysmally low, and telling Harry that he should think better of me when I had literally jumped at the first chance to kiss a boy who had made it very, very clear that he was disgusted by me was ridiculously funny.
“I’m not fucking stupid,” Harry spat, and I nearly flinched at the pure venom in his voice. “Why the fuck else would he have kicked me out last night when you very clearly were not okay?”
“Did you maybe consider that he didn’t want to be around the person who nearly killed him not even an hour before?” I replied, my voice hushed to a whisper, and hurt flashed in Harry’s eyes.
“Jesus, you’re defending him now? You have sex with Malfoy once, and all the sudden you forget that he fucking hates your guts? That he’s disgusted by you? That touching you makes him want to vomit?” Harry whisper-yelled back, and I actually flinched this time. “How fucking stupid can you be? Are you that fucking starved for attention?”
His words sent a pang of hurt ringing through me; not only did he think I would have sex with Malfoy, but he thought I was so shallow that that would make me entirely forget how terribly he had treated me throughout the years? Because he had treated me terribly, I reminded myself, and no amount of late-night kissing could ever erase that.
“You know what? You’re a goddamn asshole,” I told Harry, hot tears burning in my eyes as his words took hold and began to tear me apart. I saw shame and regret flicker in his eyes, but it didn’t matter. He had meant what he said, and I knew it. “I didn’t have sex with Malfoy, and even if I fucking did, you’ve treated me just as awfully lately as he has, so why should it be any of your business? You’ve already lost me as a friend, Harry,” I said, emotion cracking my voice as I looked at him through blurred eyes. “You’ve already broken my heart. You nearly made me bleed out. What else do you fucking want from me?”
I wished that my words were angrier than they were; they came out as a half sob, my voice weak with tears. Frustratedly, I roughly wiped the hot tears from my face as Harry looked at me, the hallway around us empty as everyone had already gotten to their classes that had just begun.
“I just…” Harry paused, “You think that me getting with Ginny means that I stopped loving you, that you stopped being my friend. It doesn’t mean that at all. I know I was awful, I know. But just because I’m a complete and utter idiot,” He said, rubbing his face with his hands, “Doesn’t mean that I don’t regret every single thing that I’ve done since Christmas, especially last night. You have no clue how sorry I am for hurting you.”
A sinking feeling settled in my gut as he admitted his feelings. I shook my head, so sick and tired of his attempts to make me feel better. “I don’t care if you regret them or not, Harry. Don’t you understand that? You hurt me. You were the only person in the entire world who I felt actually knew me, and the first chance you got, you threw me to the side for a less complicated, more ideal girl. You played with my feelings, and you can’t deny that. It was a dick move to ever fucking get with me if you had even the smallest bit of an idea that you might have feelings for anyone else in the entire world; it doesn’t matter who it was. You were my best friend,” my voice cracked and I cursed myself as the tears began to flow again, “You were my best friend, and I lost you. I miss you, but I can’t be friends with someone who says such horrid things to me, who hurt me so badly.”
Harry, to my surprise, had glistening tears swimming in his eyes, and I felt my chest ache at the sight. “I know,” He said, his voice weak. “I--I was a complete idiot, and I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. I should’ve just told you, but I was so scared of hurting you.”
“Scared of hurting me? Bullshit,” I said, and I let out a bitter half-laugh, so angry at his sorry attempt at an apology that I had to take a breath to calm down. “Grow some balls, Potter. I am so goddman sick of being tossed around and used and hurt and fucking having the worst luck in the entire world. I'm tired of it, Harry, of everything. Of my family and pretending everything is always okay when I am so far from okay, of Malfoy, of you saying you're sorry and in the same breath, insulting and degrading me. It is so painfully obvious that hurting me was the last thing you were thinking about the first time you kissed Ginny during break, even though I was under the impression that we were still together whenever the hell that happened, just like you were the last damn thing I thought of while kissing Malfoy.”
Shit.
Harry’s eyes grew wide, the tears no longer shining in them, fury taking their place. “I fucking knew it! How fucking thick are you? Seriously? Malfoy? ” Harry seethed, and I threw every curse word I knew at myself for being such a stupid, careless idiot.
“That-no-, I didn’t actually-” I tried to lie, make it seem like I had just said that to be a prick, but my act was shitty at best. Harry’s face turned cold as I stammered, and it was like I could see every wall he was building in his mind against me, brick by frozen brick.
“You know what, Elaine? I would tell you to be careful, but I can’t really find it in myself to give a shit about you and your little games anymore,” Harry told me, looking at me with utter disdain. “You can fuck that bastard for all I care, but when he hurts you, and I mean when he actually physically hurts you, because I know he will, don’t come crying to me about it. I’m done with this.”
Harry turned and stormed off, leaving me standing there, and I couldn’t stop the warm tears from cascading down my face as I lost my best friend for the second time.