Choice's Curse

The weekend had finally arrived, and I could not have been happier. Classes were beginning to truly feel like they were drowning me with coursework, and I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t gone to the library right after class until I was so tired I could barely make my way back to the Ravenclaw common room. 

Not only was it the weekend, but it was Hogsmeade weekend, which meant Harry’s and I’s first date. I was nervous, though I was entirely confused as to why, because Harry and I had been close for years. Our kiss in the library had been on my mind since Wednesday, and I had fallen asleep that night to the memory of his lips on mine. 

Defense Against the Dark Arts had come and gone with Malfoy still missing, though Luna, when she caught me staring at his empty seat, said in a dreamy voice, “I heard his father called him home. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.” I had protested, saying I wasn’t worried, just curious, and she simply nodded absent-mindedly and went back to her essay that Snape had assigned over three different kinds of jinxes, comparing their similarities and differences. Snape’s nasally voice droned that it had to be 14” long, which elicited a groan from the entire class. I tried to begin working on it during class, but my mind would not stop wandering in a myriad of directions, some of which I had absolutely no control over. 

Like the fact that even though the thought of Malfoy made my chest constrict with rage, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him anyways. I hadn’t seen him since the beginning of the week, and I was so curious about where he was that I thought I might explode, though I obviously could not mention it to anyone without sounding deranged. My... fascination with someone that I considered my enemy confused even me, as I could not make sense of why my brain was fixating on someone who hated my very existence. There was just something about the way he carried himself, something about the way his cologne always lingered around in my memory even after he’d left, that always left me anticipating our next encounter. 

And when he ran that pale finger down my scar, the day I slapped him. I shuddered. 

“Ms. Adler,” Snape’s voice made me jump as I glanced down at my paper. “Perhaps next time, you can keep your ink in the... upright position.”

I groaned internally, not having noticed my hand had knocked over the pot of liquid, and the black ink was splattered over not only my parchment, but my socks as well. As the ink soaked into the wool, I audibly groaned this time, realizing it meant that I had to begin all over on the ridiculous essay Snape had given out. 

As soon as Snape stalked back up to the front of the class, Luna leaned over and waved her wand, reciting a soft spell that instantly vanished the stain from my paper. I looked at her with a grateful glance, knowing she just saved me at least two hours of work. Luna just hummed gently in response, turning back to her own work. 

Finally, the class was over, the room bustling with students packing up and rushing to get on with their weekend. Luna, as always was taking her time, her head in an entirely different world as she gently put her quill and parchment away. I, on the other hand, was rushing just as fast as the rest of the students to leave, because I wanted ample time to get ready for my date with Harry; the very thought of which had left my stomach in nervous knots the entirety of the day. Shooting a quick goodbye to Luna, though my words fell on deaf ears, I briskly made my way out of the class. I rushed to get ready, though I spent far too long agonizing over the dark kohl around my eyes and the right shade of stupid lipgloss, because somehow, my nerves and excitement collided, creating a wild, unthinking mess. 

Because all I felt were nerves and excitement. No dread, not here. 

Selecting a soft, charcoal sweater that seemed to fall just right over the black jeans I wore, I decided on my boots, swept my hair up in a claw clip and pulling out tendrils to frame my face that bore eyeliner, blush, and the faintest shade of lip color, I rushed out of the dormitory and down the stairs to wait for Hermione, Harry, and Ron outside the Gryffindor common room. Students were milling about, the older ones making their slow way to Hogsmeade, which meant the normal sea of black robes was transformed into a multicolored swirl of different clothing. My boots thunked on the stone steps as I made my way down the stairs of the tower and across the first level of the castle until I reached the staircase that led to the Gryffindor common room, the Fat Lady sitting gracefully atop a wooden stool in the portrait that guarded the door. I leaned against the railing of the staircase just outside the common room, hoping that the three of them were rather quick, because I was incredibly eager to go to Hogsmeade and see and smell all the wonderful autumn themed atmosphere. 

As I waited, I began picking my nails and thinking. Thinking about how I still had no idea what I felt for Harry, that I was so afraid of intimacy in any form that when it happened, my heart nearly stopped. That maybe, Harry could still realize how truly lost I was and how entirely not worth dating me could be. I didn’t know which scared me more: losing Harry, or falling irreversibly in love with him. 

Thankfully, Ron’s loud voice stopped me from having to think about that answer. “‘Lainy, you look brilliant!” He exclaimed, leading Harry and Hermione out of the painting. 

“Thanks, mate! Not looking too rough yourself,” I said, taking in the lot of them. 

Ron was decked with a matching hat and scarf, his worn coat hugging his form, his mittens dangling out of the pockets. Hermione was wearing an incredible shade of blue, her cable-knit sweater making her eyes pop. Her jeans were a soft blush shade, and she, too, had a hat snug on top of her wild curls. Looking at Harry, I nearly choked on a breath. His black hair was uncovered, and styled ever so perfectly messy, and his forest-green jacket made his green eyes shine like dew-soaked grass, made his pale skin and black hair stand out even more. The jacket hugged his frame wonderfully, the sleeves pushed up and exposing his muscled forearms, and his grey jeans looked well-worn in the best way.

“Yeah, ‘Laine, you look beautiful!” Hermione chimed, adjusting her hat. 

Harry hadn’t said a word yet, and I caught his eyes sweeping down my form. Hermione nudged him, and he shook his head. 

“You look...you look,” Harry started, mussing his hair with his fingers nervously. “You look absolutely wonderful, Elaine.”

My face warmed, though I hoped they thought it was just from the warmth inside the castle. 

“Where’s your hat and gloves? It’s bound to be rather chilly this evening,” Hermione said.

Shame rippled through me, not wanting to admit that there hadn’t been enough money, enough care to buy me new winter clothing this year, even though I’d grown a bit over the summer.

“Let’s get going, shall we?” I asked, standing up straight, starting down the steps without answering her question.

Hogsmeade was just as beautiful as I remembered, the shops teeming with students walking in and out, buying loads of sweets and gifts. The sun had just dipped below the horizon, casting a golden glow across the entire village, making the autumn decorations come to life. The four of us made our way up the path, the wafting scent of spiced ale and delicious food greeting our noises as we neared the Three Broomsticks.

“Ron and I wanted to go look at some new quills, so we’ll see you later!” Hermione chirped, dragging a reluctant Ron in her wake. 

We waved them goodbye, Harry then turning to me. “You really do look fantastic, y’know that?”

I shrugged, as if to say so-so. “You, as well,” I responded, eyeing his jacket once again. “That color is wonderful on you.”

Harry beamed, and wrapped my hand in his, mine numb from the cold that his gloves protected him from. “Let’s eat. I’m starving ,” Harry urged, pulling me towards the pub. “Plus you look like Rudolph. You need to get out of the cold.”

My heart skipped a beat as he said that, making me realize no one had ever worried about me being out in the cold before. It was such a small thing, and he did sort of poke fun at me, but it made me fill with affection. We walked in, the warm air wrapping around us immediately, making me sigh and rub my arms to heat them. The wonderful mix of food and butterbeer drifted throughout the pub, and I spotted an empty table for two by one of the rectangular glass windows lining the side of the building. 

After ordering our food, we made idle small talk, Harry tracing soft circles on the back of my hands, which were resting on the table. Even the most menial conversations with him felt easy, right; it always had since we met. Our food and butterbeers came, silence falling over us as we ate, though it wasn’t thick or suffocating, but peaceful, calm. Just like it always was with Harry. 

The food sitting comfortably in our stomachs, we sat in front of the crackling fire for a while, letting the heat seep into us as we traded ridiculous anecdotes about the Muggle world we never really brought up with anyone else, talking about movies we had seen or books we’d read that to Hermione’s sure horror, didn’t contain anything educational at all. Harry kept throwing these glances at me that were making my core burn with desire, and I had half a mind to drag him off somewhere and let him know just how much it affected me when he trailed his long fingers against my skin or looked at me with those bright green eyes of his. 

Harry seemed to have the same idea, because he said to me, "Want to get out of here?" 

I nodded vigorously, and we set off, Harry leading me. He hadn't mentioned where we were headed, but the curiousity was nearly killing me as we walked. We walked into Honeyduke's and Harry looked around quickly before ushering me through the back door into the storage room. I began to protest, guessing that we weren't allowed back here, but Harry only shushed me. The storage room was empty, and looking around once more, Harry lifted open a previously hidden hatch in the wooden floor and gestured grandly. 

"One of Fred and George's little tunnels they discovered while they were at Hogwarts. It pops you right out of a statue into an empty hallway!" Harry exclaimed, joyfully mischevious. 

I laughed, excitement ricocheting in my chest. "After you, Potter."

Harry grinned and ducked down into the tunnel, followed by me, and I quickly shut the door as I heard footsteps approaching. Harry was hard to see in the dim light, but he gestured me along and we crawled through the tunnel. After a few minutes, Harry shoved his shoulder against the end of the tunnel, and sure enough, the statue opened to a dimly light, vacant expanse of corridor lined with empty classrooms. 

"Color me impressed," I said to Harry as he offered his hand to help me climb out. 

"I know, I know, I'm fantastic," He joked, as he pushed open one of the doors across the hall and led me in. The room was cosy, a few plush couches and an assortment of cushions and candles littered about the room. Harry quickly lit a fire in the hearth, and as it's warmth seeped through the room, he walked back over to me. "Fred and George took it upon themselves to decorate it a bit, for parties and such. I haven't been here since third year."

I hated to admit it, but the jealously that had been boiling up at the thought of him possibly bringing another girl here was quickly assuaged as he told me that. I smiled at him, and he wrapped his strong arms around my waist, tugging me to him. "You look incredible."

I blushed and shrugged. "I'm alright," I acquiesced. 

Harry's eyes darkened and he shook his head. "You, Elaine, are so much more than just alright. You drive me insane. It's hard for me to keep my hands off of you," He said, growling lowly. 

"Then why do you?" I asked, grinning slightly. 

Harry grinned back at me and captured my mouth in a hot, passionate kiss that was full of longing and lust. His hands gripped my waist tightly, and I brought mine up to run through his dark hair, the strands slightly tangled from the wind outside. My fingers caught on one, making me tug lightly, and a low groan erupted from Harry, making my head spin with desire. I tugged once more, and he bit my lip in response, his hips pressing into mine at the sensation. 

With his mouth still pressed to mine, Harry said, "You're going to make me go insane if you keep doing that."

I smiled against his mouth, and responded. "Doing what?" I asked innocently. 

A low sound rumbled in my chest, and Harry led our still-kissing frames over to a large red couch, sitting down and pulling me on top of his lap, making me straddle him. I slung my knees on either side of his hips, sitting on his lap at his request. As my hips made contact with his, I felt Harry's arousal hard between my legs, and I let out a soft whimper at the connection. Spurred by the obviousness of his desire, I ground my ass against him, feeling his member twitch appreciatively underneath me. Harry, sliding a hand to grab my ass, pressed a rough kiss to my mouth before pulling back and looking at me. 

"Is this okay?" He asked, his voice gruff, and I felt the fire in my core burn bright at the sound. 

"Yeah, yes, I'm okay," I assured him. "I won't be if you don't kiss me again though."

Harry laughed and brought his fiery mouth to the tender skin of my neck, finding the sweet spot that lay just beneath my ear. My hips bucked as he scraped his teeth along the sensitive spot, and I felt him laugh underneath me at my response. He bit down, harder this time, and the painful pleasure mix made my brain go entirely foggy with lust. This was really as far as I'd ever gone with anyone, but I felt so at ease, so safe, that I didn't ever want it to stop. Harry's hands found the hem of my sweater, and he tugged at it gently, indicating that he wanted it off. I quickly complied, pulling it up over my head, revealing the bra that I wore underneath. Goosebumps pricked my skin at the cold air, but Harry's eyes were practically glued to my chest, still heaving from the wild kisses he had been giving me earlier. 

"Shit," Harry whispered, looking at the curves of my chest. "I...fuck."

My face warmed under his intense gaze, but I felt rather complimented that just the sight of my chest left him so speechless. "God, Elaine, you are so fucking beautiful," He said, finally looking back at my eyes. 

"Thank you," I answered softly. "You know, I've--"

Harry nodded. "I know, and we don't have to go any further than you want. We don't even have to go further than this."

I flushed as I tried to find the courage to tell him that all I wanted right now was his hands and mouth all over me. The burning in my core was growing unbearable, and I could feel how aroused I was any time I shifted my hips. "I want more," I told him, stammering slightly. "Please."

Harry's member twitched beneath me at my words, and he nodded excitedly. "Why don't you lay back?" 

I slid off his lap, my knees slightly shaky from their extended time in a bent position, and lied back on the couch, nerves coiling in my stomach. Harry's eyes roamed over my form appreciatively, before pulling off his jacket to reveal a white undershirt. He sat by my feet, gently guiding my legs apart so that he could fit into the empty space, and he leaned over me, pressing a gentle kiss to my mouth. 

"Please, if you want to stop at any time, let me know," He told me, looking at me intently. "I know that it can be scary at first, and I-I wanna make it good for you, and if there's anything you like, you know," He stammered, his previously suave air gone. 

I giggled, placing a hand on his cheek. "I will, don't worry." 

Harry placed another kiss to my mouth, more fervent this time, and he slid a hand up my torso to cup one of my breasts, making me arch into his touch. His other hand trailed down to my hips, pressing softly into the tender spot between my legs and making me moan in surprise at his touch there. He began making lazy circles, making a constant string of whines escape my mouth as his touch caused pleasure to shoot through me. Moving his hand that had previously been on my chest up to my neck, he gently wrapped his callused hand around the column of my throat. Pulling back but keep his hand moving between my legs, he looked at me, lust fiery in his eyes. 

"That feel good?" He asked, his voice rough. 

I nodded quickly, biting my lip, but he shook his head. "No, I want to hear you tell me how good it feels."

My cheeks flushed at the command, but I spoke, my voice weak. "It feels so good, I-I" I stammered, the wetness between my legs growing with each second. "Can you.." I started, not entirely sure what I was asking of him, but he seemed to understand. 

Harry's long fingers deftly undid my belt and the button of my pants before I could really even register his movements, and slowly, god so slowly, he dipped his fingers under the waistband of my pants and then my underwear until he reached my aching clit, making me draw in a shocked breath. Harry's fingers began to softly tease me, and I nearly whined because all I could think about was wanting more. 

Harry's fingers dipped down lower, feeling the wetness that had collected between my thighs. "Holy shit," He growled. "Feel how wet you are for me?" 

His words sent arousal panging through me, and I moved my hips in hopes that he would give me the pleasure that I wanted so badly. Harry, though, wasn't having it, and clamped a hand down on my hip, pinning me in place. "You need to be patient, Elaine," He warned me, before pressing gently against my soaking entrance. "I don't want to hurt you."

"S-sorry," I said, unable to form proper words as two of his thick fingers began to enter me, making me moan. "Fuck, Harry."

Harry, his other hand still lightly pressing into my throat, brushed a soft kiss to my forehead. "Just relax, okay?"

I nodded, and he pushed his fingers in further, causing a sensation between my hips that I had never felt before. It was like an ache, like my body needed more, but I let Harry slowly pump his fingers in and out, going deeper every time, until he was pushing his entire digit into me, and suddenly, he curled his fingers slightly, causing my body to shudder with the most intense pleasure I had ever felt. "Fuck!" I exclaimed, my hand flying up to grip his strong forearm for stability. 

Harry's eyes danced with amusement. "Feels amazing, doesn't it? God, you look so beautiful like this." 

I whined as he withdrew his fingers, going to sit up, but he pushed me roughly back down, sending me a heated gaze. He grabbed the band of my pants and pulled them down, tossing them away from me and quickly returning to his place between my legs. I, to my surprise, didn't feel embarrassed at all about how naked I was, but I didn't have much time to think anyways as he plunged his fingers back into my warmth, making me let out a pleasured whimper. His pace picked up, and as he brushed that incredible spot inside of me, he kissed me roughly, his lips hot and feverish against mine. 

He moved trailed kisses down to my chest, his hand still pumping in and out of me as he bit at the soft flesh of my chest, making me swear as he began to leave marks all over the expanse of my chest. Moving even lower, he pressed gently kisses down my torso, scraping my skin occasionally with his teeth, before reaching my aching hips. Looking up at me, he withdrew his fingers, soaked in my arousal, and clamped his hands around the insides of my thighs pressing them apart. The absence of his fingers made me squirm impatiently, but Harry made up for it by pressing his mouth to my clit, flicking it once, twice, with his tongue. Involuntarily, I pressed my hips into his mouth, so desperate for the release of the pleasure that I could feel building, and Harry grinned cheekily at me. 

"Eager, aren't we?" He teased. 

"Oh, shut up," I whined, sending him an insistent look. 

"What, do you want more?" 

I groaned, throwing my head back onto the couch. "God, I hate you. Yes, I want more, please," I implored, lifting my hips in anticipation. 

Harry chuckled, and at the same time, wrapped his mouth around my clit and entered into me once more, making me moan so loudly I was worried someone might here. Between his fingers curling and hitting that wonderful spot inside me, and his mouth moving so deliciously on my clit, I felt my release building rapidly, my walls clenching around Harry's fingers as he worked. A constant stream of curses and moans were escaping my mouth as Harry fucked me, and I grabbed his hair, tugging on it gently, making him groan into me. 

"Harry, I-" I began, panting heavily. 

Harry just nodded against me, and with renewed fervor, began fingering me as I felt myself about to tip over the precipice of pleasure. His fingers suddenly curled in just the right way, and an overwhelming feeling of release flooded me, making spots dance in my vision as Harry continued to fuck me through the wave of pleasure. I could barely take in a breath as it washed over me, and as I came down, my legs shook with the exertion and how tightly they had been tensed. Harry pulled out of me slowly, making sure not to hurt me, and looked at me, his eyes full of affection. I lay there panting, trying to calm down, and Harry grabbed my pants and helped me put them back on, doing the belt before reaching out his hand to help me sit up. I grabbed it and he tugged me up, handing me my sweater, his mouth red and swollen from his movements. Putting my sweater on, I leaned my head against Harry's shoulder, completely wiped from my orgasm. 

"Was that, um-"

"That was amazing," I assured him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "I've never, you know, and um, that was, fuck, Harry," I said, giggling at my inability to speak. "That was so good. Do you...?"

Harry shook his head. "No, no, I'm fine. I just wanted to make you feel good today. We've got plenty of time for all that other stuff."

I looked at him fondly, cuddling him for a moment or two more before we decided to go back to Hogsmeade.

We had just popped through the door to the main bit of the shop when we saw Hermione and Ron through the window, walking on the cobblestone street and carrying a few bags with them. Exchanging pleasantries, we set off once again in the frigid wind, Hogsmeade’s warmth fading behind us. 

The castle was void of life as we entered through the massive front doors, everyone either still out at Hogsmeade or up in their dormitories studying or sleeping. The sky had turned a wonderful indigo as we walked, sparkling stars beginning to peek through the foggy clouds hovering over the grounds. Ron and Hermione were hand in hand, and I had tucked my arm through Harry’s elbow during the walk; at one point I had nearly slipped and cracked my head on the short stone wall lining the path, so Harry extended his arm out to me and I hadn’t let go since. Though the night was rather young, the coziness of our beds were calling our names, so we decided to call it a night, walking towards the Gryffindor common room. 

Hermione and Ron were a few steps ahead of us, talking softly. The dread that had been swirling in my stomach had disappeared sometime during dinner, and I thought that maybe I could do this, maybe I wasn’t so damaged that I couldn’t even spend time with someone I had feelings for, which made me smile. 

“What’s that pretty grin for?” Harry asked, nudging me gently as we walked up the stairs. 

“Oh, nothing,” I responded. “Just had a wonderful night with this boy I really like,” I teased.

Harry smiled, his eyes crinkling with happiness. “Me too, ‘Lainy.” He pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head, his breath warm on my skin.

We reached the top of the stairs just as Hermione and Ron ducked through the door. Harry turned to me, his hand coming to rest on my hip as I looked up at his angular face. 

“I hope you know this wasn’t that date I had mentioned,” Harry said, using his other hand to brush a strand of hair that had fallen over my eye away. “I’ve got something really wonderful planned, and yes, before you ask, Hermione did plan basically the whole thing.”

I snorted, rolling my eyes good-naturedly, though I can’t admit I wasn’t a bit excited that our dinner tonight hadn’t been an official date. “‘Course she did. Where would any of us be without her?” I asked.

Harry shook his head, his black hair catching the dim torchlight. “No clue. No clue at all,” He answered, tugging on the hem of my sweater to urge me closer, until I was nearly pressed up against his chest. 

My hand came up to rest on the strong plane of his torso, feeling the heavy fabric of his jacket beneath my fingers. Instead of waiting for him to kiss me, I perched up on my tiptoes, and pressed a featherlight kiss to his wind-chapped lips that tasted like autumn air and butterbeer. 

Harry hummed in response, and cupped my cheek with his hand as I kissed him. I pulled back after a few moments, heat radiating in my middle. “Goodnight, Potter,” I whispered softly, taking in his familiar smell of patchouli and something faintly wooden, like the faint smell of his broom. 

“Goodnight, Adler,” Harry said, his fingers twirling my hair. “Sweet dreams.”

He turned and walked through the portrait with one last glance at me, and I started down the stairs, my footsteps echoing in the empty air that surrounded me. I decided to take the long way back to my common room, to enjoy the rare atmosphere of quiet and to give myself time to think. That feeling of awfulness that was gnawing at my chest had subsided the smallest bit in the past few days, though being around Harry was still a terrible mess of feelings ranging from happiness and comfort to feeling a trapped animal looking for a way to escape. 

It was complicating things, to say the least. 

I hoped that no one had noticed the way I tended to flinch when Harry would grab my hand suddenly, or the way I would subtly curl my fingers into my hand, my nails digging into my palm, at odd moments throughout the day when the panicky feeling became a little too much. I hated feeling this way; hated every single moment that my heart sped up or that my stomach dropped, because it reminded me that I was damaged, that I would never get a normal sort of love. It hurt to think that, even though as far as I knew, it was absolutely true. Though Harry knew more than anyone, I still hadn’t told him everything, hadn’t let him see the deepest, most ruined parts of me that I did my best to bury deep and never, ever think about. The thought of being completely known by someone was petrifying, but the thought of never having anyone know every part of me, and still staying? Or worse, telling someone everything about me and having them leave?

I’d rather face the worst evil in the world than confront the fact that I didn’t really believe anyone would ever truly be able to love me in my entirety. 

The chilly air brushed against me as I walked, so deeply engrossed in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the violently red drops of blood that were splattered on the floor. At first, they were sparse, spilled every few feet, but as I walked and finally noticed the liquid, they were painted on the ground with alarming frequency, growing larger and larger, as if whoever they had come from was bent over. The drops led down the hall and rounded the corner, and I took a second to decide whether or not I wanted to follow, because knowing this place, I was about to entangle myself in something that I might end up regretting. 

I considered just turning around, ignoring what I had found, but a tug in my gut told me I’d have a guilty conscience forever if I decided not to follow. Taking a deep breath, I followed the trail, the drops turning bigger and bigger as I rounded the corner. Kneeling by the wall, a boy in a white shirt was groaning softly in pain, his head dipped low and a steady stream of red coming from what looked like more than one cut. The sight of so much blood jarred me, but a loud whimper cleared the shock from my head, and I rushed forward. 

“Holy shit, are you al---” My voice dropped off as the boy turned his face to meet mine, and I should’ve known, should’ve guessed that only my luck could be this horrifically terrible.