Heart of the lion
Regulus is having trouble breathing. One second James is leaving his room and the next Regulus is in the cave again.
Regulus is drowning again. The hands are pulling him down and digging into his skin. He’s not breathing. He-
“Regulus?” Came Pandora’s startled voice. He hadn’t even noticed the door opened.
They closed the door and sat down by Regulus. Regulus was trying to breathe but he couldn’t.
Pandora grabbed his hands and rested their foreheads together. Pandora made exaggerated breaths and took one of their hands and put it on Regulus’ heart. Pandora was telling him calmly to breathe. It’s not overwhelming when he has panic attacks with Pandora because they are calm about it, other people are scared.
Regulus doesn’t know when, but he got his breathing back. Very slowly. Very slowly he wasn’t in the cave anymore. Very slowly the hands weren’t pulling him down anymore. Very slowly he wasn’t screaming for his friends in the water. He wasn’t calling for Sirius.
Regulus doesn’t know how long Pandora stayed with him in that position, maybe it was until his breathing came back to normal, Regulus doesn’t know.
Pandora pulled away. “Do you want to talk to me about what happened after you have some food and something to drink?” Regulus nodded. Pandora smiled and left.
Regulus doesn’t know when he allowed himself to become close with Pandora but he doesn’t regret it. He doesn’t regret going into flower fields with Pandora and letting them put flower crowns in his hair. He doesn’t regret laughing with Pandora when Barty got ink on him and his arms were stained blue. He doesn’t regret Pandora helping him with his panic attacks. He doesn’t regret anything when it comes to Pandora, Evan, Dorcas or even Barty. He couldn’t imagine anything different.
Pandora comes back a few minutes later with a cup of water and crackers. The water had ice in it which made Regulus’ hands cold when he grabbed the cup and the crackers were simple salted crackers. It was Regulus’ go-to snack after having a panic attack, of course Pandora would know that.
Pandora sat down next to him and waited until he was ready to talk about what triggered the panic attack. Pandora makes him tell them everytime so it can be avoided in the future, but does Regulus really want to run away from what kissing James felt like?
After Regulus finished his crackers, that's when he thought of how to tell Pandora.
“James came in here” Regulus said into the silence.
“I’m assuming there is more to that” Pandora grabbed the crackers wrapper and threw it into the air, it burst into flames.
“There is” Pandora hummed to let Regulus know they were listening. “He.. He told me he loved me”
“You mean he walked in here and told you how much he loved you?”
Regulus nodded. “Basically. And then, we were teasing each other, and then I kissed him and then his hand touched right under my shirt and-and-”
“Regulus” Pandora’s voice was firm enough to get him to stop talking but gentle enough to not make him flinch.
“Right. Uhm, but that's what started the panic attack, I thought he was going to take my shirt off and I-I couldn’t Pan, I really couldn’t”
“And that’s okay, you don’t need to do anything Reg” Regulus doesn’t know how Pandora is so good at this relationship or crush shit when they have no romantic or sexual attraction to anyone. Regulus is very gay so he doesn’t know the feeling. “You don’t want him to touch underneath your shirt yet? That’s fine, just tell him that. If you love him-”
“I can’t love him Pandora” Regulus interrupted and his voice was probably too irritated.
“Why, Regulus?”
“He’s a man”
“So are you, is there a problem with that?”
“It’s wrong” Regulus doesn’t want to think about his parents right now but all he can think about is what they would approve of, what they thought was wrong.
“It’s not wrong. You’ve never had a problem with dating a man before Reg, what’s going on?” Pandora is right, he’s never had a problem with dating men.
“It’s him, I can’t love the sun Pandora. It shines too bright and it hurts. It hurts to look at. If I dated the sun he would break and we can’t live without the sun” Regulus doesn’t know when he made the realization that James is the sun. Maybe he has always known.
“Regulus, the sun is a giant ball of gas that’s bright, strong, kind and powerful. A star couldn’t break it”
“But what if that star is me?” Regulus is too vulnerable right now for his liking but it’s Pandora and they know everything about Regulus. All the imperfections. All the bright parts. All the parts that make him a star. All the parts that make people scared of him. All the vulnerable parts. Pandora knows everything about Regulus.
“Then it won’t break the sun. In fact, it might make the sun brighter. It might make the sun make more people happy including himself”
“A star wouldn’t be able to do that” Regulus looked down into his lap.
“Reg, what is the constellation your star is in?”
“Leo”
“And what animal is the leo?”
“A lion”
“What is James’ animal?”
“A lion”
“What’s another name for your star?”
“The heart of the lion” This smart bitch.
“Exactly. You are James’ heart, you obviously have been for a long time”
“You don’t know that”
“How do you know that?” Of course Pandora goes mysterious.
“I doubt you’ve talked to James about his feelings for me”
“I don’t need to talk to him to know that he is in love, Regulus. He stares at you like how Barty stares at a mirror, he’s in love”
“You stare at him?”
“You’re getting possessive,” Pandora smirked.
“No, I’m not” Pandora nods and hums out an ‘mhm’.
“I’m just saying Regulus, there is no point in running away from your feelings”
“If I didn’t run away from them I would get caught in them. Things would be too complicated and it would mess up the war because then I wouldn’t want to send him on missions. Love and relationships get in the way of war”
“Is that why you’re sending Dorcas on one of the most dangerous missions our side of war will have?” Fuck you Pandora for being a quick thinker.
“I sent her on it because no one else would be able to do it” Regulus didn’t want Dorcas to go on the mission, he knows it’s dangerous, he knows she could die and he doesn’t want that, but what choice does he have?
“So, would you send me on a mission because I’m the only one who could do it?”
That was what got to Regulus. He would have to send Pandora on missions but he didn’t want to think about that so he hasn’t. The time is going to come when they all have to fight but Regulus doesn’t want to think about Pandora having to fight.
“Is that my answer?” Regulus shook his head. “If there was a mission to figure out the spells each side uses, would you send me on it?”
“I wouldn’t want to, but I would” Regulus fought the lump in his throat because he didn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want Pandora to go on any mission.
“Regulus, if you send me on a mission I’ll be fine. I may be a flower, but I’m not a weak one” Barty had started calling Pandora a wildflower after they had pulled a prank for the first time because Evan had called Pandora a flower because of their love of flowers. The wild part was because they didn’t know Pandora would pull pranks, so they’re a wildflower.
“No, but you are a wild one”
“Which is why I would be fine. They wouldn’t know my next move” Regulus couldn’t argue with that. Pandora had always been good at not letting people know their next move, it was a powerful skill.
“I know. Can we stop talking about all of this? I have to figure some things out about how Dorcas is going to finish her mission successfully”
Pandora nodded and stood up. “Okay, but you have to think about what I said, okay?”
Regulus nodded and stood up. Pandora kissed his temple and let him be alone after he had kissed their temple back.
Regulus did exactly what he said he would do.
He planned how Dorcas would do her mission successfully, which was her staying under the radar. It would be weird considering she was very openly on Dumbledore’s side during school but she is also a good liar.
He also thought about what Pandora said. In fact after he figured out the full plan on how Dorcas would survive her mission it was all he thought about.
He thought about how Pandora had said Regulus meant the heart of the lion. He thought about how James was a Gryffindor. He thought about how maybe their relationship could work.
He remembered how Marlene had acted when she found out Dorcas was going on the mission. Marlene was angry and was going to stop at nothing to make sure Dorcas was okay. That could go for any relationship in the war. If Regulus had picked Sirius to go on a dangerous mission, Remus would make sure he would be safe. If Regulus had picked Alice for a dangerous mission Narcissa would kill anyone who came into Alice's path.
Relationships in war could be the reason people die. They could die while trying to protect the person they love. Relationships in war would make grief harder. But relationships in war could also be the reason they survive, couldn’t it?