My Choice
It is incredible how life can change in a heartbeat. How everything is okay on one moment and, before you know it, your whole world falls apart right before your eyes.
It was impossible for Sirius to describe how he felt when Remus got shot. No words could be strong enough to tell what it was like to see the man he loved being carried away from him. And as Sirius saw those amber eyes closing, eyes that used to look at him with so much life in them, it was like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest and stepped on it.
The explosions were too strong and the rebels were everywhere, so the guards hadn’t been able to take Sirius to the royal family’s safe place. Instead, they had taken him to a small hidden room on the second floor, barely big enough for one person to sit comfortably.
The attack lasted for hours, and each minute of them was unbearable. Sirius cried so much during that time that he was actually surprised there was any water left on his body.
And as he sat there on the dusty floor, waiting for the attack to be over and bawling his eyes out, he wondered if the universe would be cruel enough to take his Remus from him like that.
About five hours had passed and Sirius was sitting with his head between his knees when he suddenly heard the sound of the door being opened.
“Sirius?”
He lifted his head and leaped to his feet in the speed of light, almost jumping in relief as he saw James standing there in front of him.
“James!”
The man was covered in dust from head to toe and he looked utterly exhausted, but it was clear that his expression lightened a bit as he saw Sirius.
“Thank the heavens you’re okay, Sirius. I came here as soon as it was safe.”
Sirius had other matters in mind, though, and immediately grabbed James’ shoulders with urgency, “James, where is Remus?”
“He’s in the hospital wing.”
Without even bothering to answer, Sirius passed by the other man and began running in the direction of the infirmary. However, James called him back before he could go very far.
“Sirius, wait!”
Sirius stopped in his tracks and turned around, confusion written on his face, “What’s wrong?”
He watched as James hesitated slightly before finally letting out a sad sigh and beginning to respond.
“Poppy said he lost a lot of blood, Sirius. He’s not awake yet and she said she doesn’t know...when he will wake up.”
Sirius felt his knees weaken beneath him and he would have fallen if it wasn’t for James’ hands reaching out to him and keeping him up. His breathing became more labored and he felt his vision begin to blur, panic filling his whole body once again.
James had covered that up pretty well, but Sirius still had managed to notice the small hesitation before the ‘when’, making it seem like other man had changed Pomfrey’s words. Which could only mean...
Madame Pomfrey didn’t know ‘if’ Remus would wake up again.
Sirius had no idea how much time had passed before he finally came back to his senses and noticed that James was saying something to him, while still supporting most of his weight.
“...took him to surgery as soon as she could, Sirius. Now you need to have faith. You need to be strong, for the both of you.”
“I need to go, James,” he spoke after forcefully swallowing the lump in his throat, “I need to be there with him.”
However, instead of agreeing with him, James opened his mouth hesitantly again, and Sirius was surprised to see the sadness in his eyes intensify even more.
“What? What is it?”
Another sigh escaped James’s lips and he looked at Sirius like he had turned into a porcelain doll that was about to break at any moment.
“Go to your bedroom. There’s something you need to know first.”
Sirius stared at him for a moment before nodding, forehead frowned in confusion, and strode over to his chambers as fast as he could. His mind didn’t even register all of the destruction around him as he wondered what could be so important that it had to be done before he even went to see Remus.
But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared him for what he found as he opened the door.
Regulus. His younger brother was sitting on his bed, hugging one of his pillows and sobbing loudly into his hands.
“Regulus?!”
The boy looked up at the sound of his voice and Sirius’ breath got caught up on his throat. Regulus’ face was bright red from crying and his eyes...Sirius had never seen so much pain in those eyes before.
Before he could even process what was going on, Regulus got up from the bed and threw himself at Sirius’ arms.
“They’re dead, Sirius!” the boy yelled between heavy sobs, face hidden on the crook of Sirius’ neck, “They’re dead!”
“What?! Who?!”
“Mother and father! We were going to the safe place but two rebels appeared out of nowhere and...they shot them, Sirius! And I had to leave them there!”
A whirlwind of emotions passed through Sirius as a new round of sobs recked Regulus’s body. The word ‘dead’ echoed in his head, hunting him.
“I’m sorry, Sirius. I know they weren’t good people, specially to you, and I—“
“Stop it, Reg,” Sirius spoke firmly and moved his hands to his brother’s face, tilting his head up, “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. They were your parents. You have the right to mourn.”
And with that, Sirius pulled Regulus into a tight embrace. The two brothers stayed like that for a while, both trying to find some comfort in the other’s arms, and at some point, though he didn’t know exactly when, Sirius finally let himself grieve too.
~
Sirius’ voice. That was the only thing that Remus remembered between the moment he passed out in James’ arms and the time he woke up in the hospital wing, two whole days later.
After the incident that had almost cost him his life, Remus had fallen into a weird and uncertain state between consciousness and unconsciousness. Most of the time, it was like he was living in a dreamless sleep, trapped inside a deep coma and oblivious to the world around him.
However, that changed every time that Sirius sat next to his bed and talked to him. Remus had no ideia how that happened, but it was always like the sound of the other man’s voice stirred something deep within him and brought his mind closer to the surface. He couldn’t move a single muscle in his body, but he could hear everything.
Remus listened as Sirius cried over his body whenever they were alone at the infirmary, begging him not to leave him. He heard Sirius telling him how much he loved him and wanted to spend the rest of his life by his side. And all of that gave Remus the strength to fight for his life. For their life together.
It was a slightly cold morning when Remus finally woke up, dizzy and disoriented, and the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, after blinking to get used to the light coming through the curtains, was him.
Sirius.
The man was sitting on a chair near the end of the bed, staring out of the window and appearing lost in thought. He looked slightly more pale than Remus remembered, and he was definitely a bit thinner, but he was still so beautiful that Remus’ heart ached.
“Am I dreaming?”
Despite his fragile state, Remus almost laughed at they way Sirius practically jumped out of the chair and looked at him with wide eyes.
“REMUS!”
The next second, Remus had his arms full of a mixture between a laughing and crying Sirius Black, although the man made sure to be careful and not press at any of the still recent wounds.
“Hey, love,” Remus laughed sweetly at the boy and moved his arms to wrap them around Sirius as best as he could, “I missed you.”
Sirius lifted his head from where it was buried on his chest and looked right at his eyes, so intensely it was overwhelming.
Then, in a swift move, Sirius moved his face even closer and closed the rest of the distance between them, claiming Remus’ lips in a desperate kiss.
They kissed like there was no tomorrow, like one of them was the air and the other was gasping for breath. The tears made the kiss too wet, there was too much teeth and their position was awkward, but none of that mattered. It was still perfect, and neither of them wanted to let go.
“I thought I had lost you, Rem,” Sirius said once they broke the kiss, and he sounded so pained that Remus’ heart cracked a little, “You were unconscious for two days, I was so scared.”
“Look at me, love,” Remus demanded gently, moving his hands to cup the other man’s wet cheeks, “I’m here. I’m here and I’m not leaving you.”
Remus felt his own lips forming a blinding smile as Sirius beamed at him, “I love you so much. But never pull a stunt like that again, do you hear me?”
A laughter immediately escaped Remus’ lips, but he soon turned serious again, “I would do anything to save you.”
They were about to start kissing again when the infirmary door was suddenly opened, and Remus turned to his side to find no one other than Madame Pomfrey.
“Mr. Lupin, you are awake! Oh, thank the heavens! I am so sorry for the interruption, I—“
“It’s no problem at all, Poppy,” Sirius smiled easily at her.
“I will come back later to check on you, Mr. Lupin, is that okay?”
Remus nodded and grinned at her with gratitude, “That’s perfect, thank you, Madame Pomfrey.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for, dear. I am so glad to see you are alright,” she gave him a sweet smile before turning to Sirius one more time, “If you’ll excuse me, Your Majesty.”
Sirius opened his mouth and answered her something, but Remus wasn’t paying any attention anymore. His mind was too caught up on what Pomfrey had just said.
“Your...Majesty?”
His confusion was replaced by worry as he saw Sirius’ expression instantly falling.
“Mother and father, they...they didn’t survive the attack.”
Remus let out a sharp gasp at that and just stared at Sirius for a moment while his head processed the information. He hadn’t even stopped to think about how weird it was that Sirius wasn’t hiding to meet him, but that certainly explained it.
“Sirius, I’m so sorry—,” he began to say, but the other man quickly interrupted him.
“I’m okay. They were terrible, you know that.”
“Still. They were your parents. It’s okay not to be okay.”
A sad smile reached Sirius’ lips and he moved both of his hands to grab Remus’, “Thank you, love.”
Remus squeezed Sirius’ hands in a comforting way before opening his arms, “Come here.”
Sirius didn’t hesitate to oblige. However, it didn’t take long for Remus to realize that he seemed tense, like something was still bothering him.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Pads? You know you can talk to me, right? About anything.”
He felt Sirius smile at their sweet nickname, but was caught by surprise as the other man suddenly sat up.
“I’m okay, Moony, I promise,” it was Remus’ to show a goofy grin at the nickname, “I just...There’s something you need to know.”
“About what? What happened?”
Sirius hesitated for a few moments, looking down and seeming lost in thought, until he eventually spoke again.
“The rebels had someone infiltrated in the palace. That’s how they got in. Their infiltrated man killed three of our guards and then let the other rebels inside.”
“That’s horrible,” Remus almost yelled in outrage and had to suppress a horrified shiver, “I can’t believe someone would do that. Do you already know who it was?”
Not even the painful look Sirius gave him was enough to cushion the impact, “It was Peter Pettigrew. The guards arrested him before he could escape.”
Remus just stared unblinkingly at Sirius for a while. That couldn’t be right. There had to be some mistake. Peter would never.
But then...
He thought back to when Peter showed up at the palace. It had been right after the failure of the previous attack. Also, Peter mysteriously hadn’t shown up to work on the morning the second attack began.
Everything made sense, it all fit in. Peter was a rebel. He had betrayed all of them.
Sirius was still observing him worriedly, waiting for him to say something. Remus had told him about Peter, the chubby boy that started working with him and Lily and soon became their friend.
“I...I just can’t believe it was him,” Remus eventually manage to blurt out.
“I know. For what you told me about him, he seemed like a good guy.”
“That’s what I thought. I guess that I was wrong.”
“Hey,” Sirius’ tone suddenly changed for a more determinate one, as well as his expression, “I know this head of yours, and I know you will try to find someway to blame yourself for what happened, so I’m going to save you the trouble. Don’t even bother trying to do that.”
Remus sighed in defeat, “I just think I should have noticed something.”
“There is no way you could have noticed something, Remus,” Sirius shook his head firmly, “He was just a normal guy.”
“I know, you’re right.”
“I am always right,” he replied with a smug grin, trying to lighten up the mood a little.
“And quite humble, too,” Remus teased Sirius slightly, earning a laugh from the man.
“Absolutely.”
They both smiled, lost in each other’s eyes until Sirius laid down again, pulling Remus into his arms, who sighed appreciatively as Sirius’ fingers began to massage his scalp.
They fell into a peaceful silence for some minutes, and Remus was about to drift off, his still weak body begging for some sleep, when Sirius suddenly spoke again.
“Moony?”
“Yeah, Pads?”
“There’s something I need to ask you. It’s important.”
Remus’ eyebrows crinkled a bit but he nodded in encouragement for him to keep going, so Sirius closed his eyelids, took a calming breath and then stared right at Remus’ amber eyes.
“I probably shouldn’t be doing this right now. You just woke up, we are still at the hospital wing and I didn’t even prepare a speech, but, Remus...when I thought I might lose you, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I have no idea what I would have done if you never woke up. And now that you’re with me again, in my arms, I...I can’t wait any longer.”
Remus’ forehead frowned even more in confusion at Sirius’ words and he began to worry again as new tears began to shine in the man’s eyes, but Sirius kept on talking before he could even think of what to say.
“I knew you were special from the day you told me about your mother, and you proved that to me every single day since then. You taught me so much about the world, about life, and about love. I never thought I would be lucky enough to find someone to love so irrevocably and that would love me just as much in return, but then you came into my life, and I will forever thank my stars for that.”
Remus felt ready to pass out at any moment, and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from that gorgeous man sitting there and pouring his heart out for him.
It was only when Sirius got too emotional and had to stop for a moment to clear his throat that Remus realized he himself was crying too.
“I know that you come from a completely different world than mine, but that doesn’t matter to me,” Sirius continued after a second, “You are everything that I want. When this Selection started, I thought that I would have to choose a woman to be my wife. But I don’t choose any of them. You are my choice, and you always will be.”
Sirius was looking at him like he hung the moon in the sky, and Remus’ throat suddenly didn’t have enough space for the air to pass through. Was Sirius doing what he thought he was doing? Was he...?
“Remus John Lupin, I want to share my life with you. Will you do me the honor of becoming my prince?”
Remus’ mind was almost short circuiting and his heart was racing as Sirius finished talking.
‘That’s it, then’ Remus thought, ‘I’m dead. I actually died and this is an after life prank or something.’
It was the nervous but full of expectation look on Sirius’ face as he waited for an answer that got Remus out of his stupor. It was real. It was happening.
“Yes! Oh my God, Sirius, of course yes!”
What came next was a sequence of tears, laughter, sniffs and more wet, messy kisses, but Remus couldn’t care less. He had never felt so happy and so in love.
“Sirius Black,” Remus managed to say once they had calmed down a little bit, “It’s a difficult task to have a bigger heart than yours, but I promise you, I love you with all of mine.”
And with that, he pulled Sirius in his arms with all the force he could muster and locked their lips once again. They kissed for what could have been seconds, minutes, hours or even days. Who was counting, anyway?
It was Remus who broke the kiss first, making Sirius whine dramatically at the loss.
“I just thought of something.”
Sirius eyed him quizzically, “What?”
“There has never been an homosexual couple in royalty before. How are we going to do it? I mean, we can’t have an heir.”
Remus had expected Sirius to be equally worried as him, but was surprised to see a faint blush rise on the other man’s cheeks.
“You see,” Sirius started to rub the back of his neck in embarrassment, “I kind of already talked to Regulus about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I asked him about it, and he told me it would be an honor to have his future kids on the line to the throne.”
Remus smiled brightly at the man in front of him, feeling his heart swell, “So you had been thinking about it already, huh? You hopeless romantic.”
His grin grew even more as Sirius broke down in laughter, and that combined with the red on his cheeks and the hair falling down his face made him look...well, Remus didn’t even have words for how Sirius Black looked.
However, there was one thing that was still bothering Remus, refusing to leave the depths of his mind.
“Sirius?”
“Yeah, love?”
“How do you think the people will react? You know, to the fact that I’m a Six and a man.”
But Sirius simply smiled again and reached his hand to rub a stripe of hair out of Remus’ eye.
“Some traditions are meant to be broken. I think it’s time we break these ones, don’t you think?”
Remus couldn’t agree more.
And if Madame Pomfrey purposefully took some extra time to come back to the infirmary, she never told them. When she returned, both boys were already fast asleep on the small hospital bed.
They didn’t get up for a long time.
~
EPILOGUE (Three Months Later...)
“Are you nervous?”
Sirius threw an annoyed look at his best friend at the question.
“Of course not, James, it’s just the coronation day, why the hell would I be nervous?” he replied sarcastically.
James laughed with amusement as Sirius opened the curtains and glanced down (nervously) at the garden, where almost all of the guests were already waiting for them.
Sirius’ eyes were instantly drawn to the area reserved for the former selected women and, for a moment, his heart clenched painfully in his chest as he spotted one specific empty seat.
Marlene’s.
Marlene McKinnon had been tragically killed during the attack, three months earlier. One of the palace’s support columns had collapsed because of an explosion, and Marlene sacrificed herself pushing a servant’s child out of the way. She died as a hero.
The door was suddenly opened, interrupting Sirius’ thoughts, and he turned around to find Lily walking towards him.
“How are you holding up, Sirius?”
“He’s freaking out!,” it was James who answered in his place.
“Hey!”
James ignored Sirius’ indignant exclamation and bursted out laughing again, but Lily just rolled her eyes at him and then smiled fondly at Sirius.
“Well, you are not the only one. Remus is just as terrified as you are, if not even more.”
A bright grin spread on Sirius’ face at the mention of the other man, “Is he ready yet?”
“He was just finishing up adjusting his tie, so I came over here to check on you.”
“Thank you, Lils,” he looked at her with gratitude before directing his eyes straight to her stomach, “How is my godson doing? Are you enjoying making your mummy look big, Harry?”
“I’m just three months pregnant, Sirius,” Lily answered with another eye roll, “My ‘baby tummy’ isn’t even showing yet.”
“If you say so,” he threw her a teasing smirk, gaining a playful (but rather hard) slap in response, “Anyway, I think it’s so good that he is going to have someone his age to play with.”
“It’s wonderful, right?,” James beamed at him and intertwined his fingers with Lily’s.
“Alice thinks that little Neville is going to be born around the same time as Harry,” Lily announced excitedly, “Imagine if it happens on the same day!”
Sirius was about to answer her when the three of them heard the door being opened again. It was Regulus who came in this time, and his eyes were shining as he looked at Sirius.
“It’s time, brother.”
Some weird, excited noise came out of Lily’s throat and she immediately ran towards the door, “I’m going to go get Remus!”
Regulus stepped aside so she could pass and then turned to Sirius one more time, “Whenever you are ready.”
Sirius took a moment to himself, closed his eyes and took some deep, calming breaths. When he opened them again, it was to find both James and Regulus standing near the door, and he nodded to let them know he was ready.
James lips curved into one of the biggest smiles Sirius had ever seen on his friend’s face, “Let’s go meet your man.”
The three of them left Sirius’ chambers and made their way to the first floor, where he would wait for Remus. They had just gotten there when Sirius suddenly turned to James.
“Wait!”
“What? What is it?” James asked in alarm.
“How does my hair look?”
His friend just stared at him for a few seconds and seemed about to come up with some amused and sarcastic answer when something seemed to catch his attention.
“I’m sure you will forget all about your hair when you turn around.”
Sirius’ forehead frowned at the smirk on James’ face, but he turned around anyway and...
He didn’t just forget about his hair. He forgot how to breathe.
Already near the bottom of the staircase, with Lily by his side, was Remus. He was wearing a light blue suit, made specially for the occasion, which matched Sirius’ own dark blue suit and highlighted his amber eyes.
Sirius’ heart was thumping wildly as Remus finally approached him. Standing close to him like he was now, Sirius could see that Remus’ eyes were shining with happiness, and he figured his own weren’t much different.
Both boys barely noticed as James, Lily and Regulus patted their backs, wished good luck and went to their places for the cerimony, all with matching smiles on their faces.
“Remus, you...you look...”
Remus giggled at his dumbstruck face and Sirius almost melted right there. He was so blessed to have that man in his life.
“You don’t look too bad yourself, Your Majesty,” Remus said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Shut up!” Sirius exclaimed with mock outrage, but the effect was completely destroyed by the giggle that left his mouth right after that.
It was worth it, though, just to see Remus’ already beaming smile grow even more on his face.
Outside the big door that led to the gardens, Sirius heard the sound of the palace’s bell starting to ring. It was time.
He took one more deep breath and offered Remus his arm, who immediately took it.
“Are you ready, my Prince?”
“I’m ready. Are you, my King?”
“Hell yeah.”
He really was. He knew it wouldn’t be easy. They would have to work hard to make the world a better place, and a lot of obstacles would appear on their path. But they would face them all, together.
As it turned out, although in a different and completely unexpected way, The Selection did bring him love. It brought him Remus, and Sirius could wish for nothing more.
‘He is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.’
~Wuthering Heights