Letters to You
During Sirius’ eighteen years of living, there were countless times when he would stop to wonder if there was some sort of force or entity (a God, like many people believed), that was greater and more powerful than everything else and controlled the world and all its living beings. He also wondered what the hell did he do to piss it off so much.
The day Sirius talked to James and told him everything, him and Remus didn’t get to have their usual night encounter at Sirius’ chambers. Remus had been too caught up in work till really late that night and Sirius had an early date planned.
The next morning, Sirius woke up at 8 AM and got ready for his date with Dorcas. He picked her up at her room and they took a pleasant walk by the gardens, talked about her home life, and then watched a movie later.
Despite Sirius’ constant wishing that he was actually with Remus during the entire time, Dorcas was a lovely girl and he really enjoyed her company, so everything actually went well and they had a really good time.
However, as if to confirm Sirius’ theory that he had been cursed by some evil being (possibly his mother) and was incapable of staying in a good mood for too long, his state of spirit was disturbed as soon as he stepped into his bedroom after the date had ended.
Standing in the middle of the room was Orion, golden crown framing his giant bald head in a way he probably thought looked respectable. Walburga hadn’t bothered to wait for Sirius’ permission and was sitting in the middle of his bed.
However, Sirius only noticed something was happening when he spotted Regulus next to the wall. The boy looked extremely uncomfortable, and Sirius saw something like sympathy in his eyes when he raised his head to look back at him.
“Great, you are here!”
Walburga’s voice echoed through the room as soon as Sirius closed the door behind him, and his eyebrows frowned in confusion as he saw the satisfied look on her face.
‘Regulus looking like he wants to disappear and mother looking like it’s the best day of her life,’ the thought crossed his head, ‘No good can come from this.’
Unfortunately, he was right. He proceeded to take off his shoes and put them inside the wardrobe, his eyes never leaving his mother.
“What is going on?”
“You see, Sirius,” it was his father who talked this time, looking intently at him, “Your mother and I were discussing, and we both agreed that this Selection is progressing quite...slowly.”
Sirius’ eyes immediately widened and his heart quickened as he tried to come up to reasons why Orion was starting that speech, but none of them were good. A terrible feeling started to grow at Sirius’ gut and he glanced at Regulus once again, only to see his brother looking even more distraught.
“So, she gave me an incredible idea. Really, I don’t know how we didn’t think of it sooner. But it doesn’t matter now. The thing is, we came here as a family to announce you of the decision we made.”
Sirius’ began diverting his eyes from his father to his mother, the sickness he was feeling growing by every passing second. No. He couldn’t possibly mean...
But Sirius’ greatest fear was confirmed when Walburga stood up and looked at him. Her eyes were gelid as usual, but something about that moment made him shiver like never before.
“We are giving you three women to choose from between those fifteen, the ones that seem more...adequate to fulfill the role of queen and that will provide us the best status and advantages. You have ten days to choose. We are announcing the end of The Selection by the end of the next week.”
The air caught up in Sirius’ lungs and he could no longer breath. He felt his knees give in beneath him and he ungraciously fell to the floor. He barely registered Regulus running and reaching towards him before his mother abruptly pushed him back to the wall.
His thoughts immediately traveled to Remus and to so many of their moments together, all the secret kisses, touches and love making. He wondered what the other man would be doing at that moment, oblivious to how the world had just began to crash around them.
Then suddenly, Sirius’ mind recalled the conversation he’d had with James the day before.
‘Fight for him. This is your life, no one else’s. Don’t let your parents and some stupid, outdated tradition tell you what to do.’
“No.”
The word left his mouth so calmly that, for a second, Sirius didn’t even realize he had been the one who said it. The looks on his parents’ faces were enough to clarify that, though.
“No?” Walburga was practically fuming, and Sirius could swear her face was becoming slightly red from fury.
Determined not to show any signs of weakness anymore, Sirius immediately stood up and raised his chin, staring defiantly at the woman.
“This is absurd, mother!”
“I don’t care about what you think, Sirius Orion Black! I am thinking about the future of this country, your future, and I—“
“Don’t you dare!” Sirius interrupted her with a firm voice, surprising everyone in the room, “Don’t you dare say that you are thinking about my future or what is best for Illéa when you are only thinking about you and your bigoted prejudiced values!”
That was apparently a little over the top since the next moment all Sirius could feel was a painful warmth spreading through his left cheek. He heard Regulus gasp, but he himself didn’t let out a single noise.
“What is wrong with you?!” his mother shouted after retrieving her hand, “Why are you like this?! Why can’t you just do your job and accept it?!”
“Because I am already in love with someone else!”
Sirius wanted to take the words back as soon as spoke them, but it was too late. He noticed by the corner of his vision Regulus’ expression shift into one of pure surprise and terror, and assumed his own wasn’t much different.
His parents, on the other hand, were looking at him as if he was an alien who happened to have fallen on Earth and got stuck with them. They were looking at him like they couldn’t believe he was actually their son.
Well, he had said it. There was no going back now.
A few moments passed and no one said anything, the atmosphere in the room so tense that Sirius was sure any knife could cut it. He was almost losing his mind from the expectation of what was about to come when his mother turned her head and looked at Regulus.
“Did you know about this?” her tone was calm but murderous, and Sirius panicked as he saw his brother look at him, then to his mother again, and then open his mouth to answer.
“No, mother,” Sirius spoke quickly before Regulus could say anything, “He didn’t. I hadn’t told anyone.”
Regulus’ head shot to him so fast that Sirius barely saw it moving, and Sirius tried to pass everything he wanted to say through one single look, ‘Don’t tell her, Reg. There is no reason why you should be in trouble, too. Don’t say anything.’
Sirius knew he succeeded at that as he saw the clear hesitation in his brother’s eyes, and thankfully Walburga decided it was time for Regulus to leave.
“Regulus, get out of the room.”
“Mother, I—“
“Now!”
Sirius watched as Regulus nodded at her with a defeated look on his face before turning around and obeying, silently closing the door behind him.
As soon as she saw the door closing, Walburga turned to look at Sirius again.
“I thought I had made it clear before, but it appears I had not. Very well...”
Sirius watched with horror as the woman slowly strode over to Sirius’ nightstand. ‘Please don’t open the top drawer, please don’t open the top drawer, please don’t open the top drawer.’
His mother reached her hand to the top drawer of the nightstand and opened it, her eyes immediately widening as she took a look at its content, and Sirius braced himself for the outburst that he knew was about to come.
He saw as she picked up the opened box of condoms and the bottle of lube that he and Remus had used two nights before, and her hands were shaking from anger as she swung them in the air in front of him.
“I thought you told us you hadn’t brought any of those women to your bed. Who have you been fucking in here, Sirius Black? WHO?”
Sirius flinched as she yelled at his face, but didn’t answer. It was definitely not a good ideia to correct her and tell he had actually been the one being fucked, not the one doing the fucking. He just remained quiet and watched as she dropped the items on top of his bed and looked inside the drawer again.
A few seconds later, she seemed to find what she was looking for and showed it to him triumphantly. Sirius felt his stomach drop even more. It was his chambers’ key.
“You won’t tell me who it is. Fair enough. This is what I am going to do, then,” she closed the drawer and marched towards the door, taking the key with her, “You will stay in this bedroom until you decide to behave like a proper Black.”
“WHAT? You want to lock me in here?!”
“Yes, and I will. Until you decide to start doing as you are told, you will not leave this room. In case you manage to open the door in any way, two guards will be placed right outside to hold you in here. This is the list with the names you can choose from,” she then handed him a small paper with her tidy calligraphy scattered on the paper.
“Mother, please! Don’t do this, please!” Sirius all but begged on his knees, no longer trying to hide his desperation. Actually, he wouldn’t be able to even if he tried.
However, the woman gave him no attention and stepped out of the bedroom, “Let me know when you decide to collaborate.”
And with that, she left and marched through the corridor with long, fast steps. Sirius waited until he couldn’t hear them anymore before turning to his father.
“Father, please, I—“
Orion turned around in the middle of Sirius’ sentence, though, and the sound of the door being shut forcefully interrupted his pleadings.
Sirius stared at the wooden door for what felt like hours until he couldn’t hold his tears anymore, breaking down crying and sobbing for the second time in less than 48 hours.
~
The paper Walburga had given Sirius hadn’t even been read before the man furiously wrinkled it and threw it on the fireplace. He had been laying in bed and staring at the ceiling for who knew how long until his chambers’ door was carefully opened.
“Sirius?”
The voice startled him and he sat up with a jump, relief feeling him as he looked to the right and found no one other than James standing there, a tray with food and water in his hands and expression filled with concern.
“Oh, James, thank the heavens it’s you!”
Sirius watched as the man immediately placed the tray on top of his writing desk and strode over in big, fast steps to where he sat on the bed.
However, as soon as James approached Sirius and took a proper closer look at him, the worry on his face increased even more, if that was possible, and he immediately pulled his friend into a tight hug.
At first, Sirius frowned his forehead in confusion, but soon remember that he had spent the last hours bawling his eyes out, so his face was probably all red and swollen. He certainly looked terrible.
“I heard about what happened, Sirius,” James’ voice was charged with pain, and Sirius knew his friend was suffering for him almost as much as he himself was, “How are you doing?”
Sirius squeezed his lips together tightly and carefully avoided the question, “What time is it?”
“Nearly seven.”
“I’m surprised mother let you come here to ease my suffering,” Sirius told him with a humorless laugh.
James only managed a really sad half smile in return, “She almost didn’t. I think I made such a fool out of myself begging to come that she decided to allow it just for me to shut up.”
Sirius nodded quietly, not even finding the strength to make fun of James about that, and hid his face in his hands as he felt new tears begin to prickle at the corner of his eyes.
“What am I going to do, James?”
He didn’t even bother to wait for an answer, because he knew there was nothing to say at times like that. Instead, he felt James’ arms envelop him again from his side.
“Things will get better, Sirius. You are strong, you both are. It will be alright.”
Except neither of them knew if they really believed in that.
They both stayed there in silence for a while. James wanted nothing more than to be there for his brother and Sirius was so absorbed in his clouded thoughts that he almost forgot the other man was there. His heart clenched painfully as he once again recalled the words Remus had written for him on the small piece of paper that was now nothing more than ash and dust.
‘I will see you again soon.’
‘I will see you again soon...’
“SHIT!”
Sirius’ yell was so loud and he jumped to his feet so fast that he scared James, who looked up at him in shock and confusion, “What—?”
But Sirius interrupted him in utter panic, “James, I almost forgot! Remus was supposed to come here tonight, like he does almost every night! If the guards mother placed outside see him...”
Sirius watched as James’ eyes widened in horror at that prospect, but an ideia suddenly occurred to him just as the other man was beginning to say something, and Sirius didn’t hesitate in cutting him off.
“James, I need you to do something for me.”
~
It was almost nine-thirty and Remus had just finished taking his shower, so he was preparing to meet Sirius at his chambers like he usually did. The moments with Sirius were by far the best part of Remus’ days, and he would constantly find himself glancing at the clock to check how much time until he could see him again.
Just as Remus put his trousers on, a series of low knocks echoed through the door. He frowned in confusion at first, since he was certain they had agreed on meeting at Sirius’ bedroom again, not his, but a smile reached his face almost immediately after anyway.
‘Maybe he wanted to surprise me,’ he thought as he moved to open the door.
However, Remus wasn’t greeted by the sight of the handsome, long haired man when he opened the door. Instead, a man with short dark hair and crooked glasses was standing in front of him.
“Officer Potter?” he asked in confusion, “Did something happen?”
“I am so sorry to bother you,” Officer Potter rushed to apologize and offered him a hand, “Call me James, please.”
Still extremely confused, Remus stepped to the side so the man could enter and gave the man a firm handshake.
“Remus.”
James’ expression changed a bit at that, lips curving into a small smile.
“Oh, I know who you are. I heard a lot about you, actually.”
That certainly caught Remus off guard, and he hesitated before answering. He still hadn’t been able to talk to Sirius that day, so he didn’t know how their conversation had gone, or if it had even happened at all.
“From Lily, I suppose?” Remus asked tentatively after clearing his throat.
“Some of it from her, yes. But also from Sirius.”
Remus just stood there for a few seconds while his brain processed the information and then a giant smile crossed his face. Later, he thought about how he should have noticed right then that something was wrong, because although the man didn’t look angry ou disgusted, he also didn’t look happy.
But that didn’t cross his mind at that moment, though, and he just stared happily at the other man, “He told you, then?”
However, the sudden shift in James’ expression at the question was enough to inform Remus that he was definitely missing something.
“James? What happened?”
The only thing he got as an answer, though, was a carefully folded piece of paper that James retrieved from the front pocket of his uniform.
“Here,” he told Remus as he handed it to him, “This is from him.”
Remus’ mind instantly stopped functioning at the ‘this is from him’ and he grabbed the paper in a desperate move before walking towards his bed and opening it.
He didn’t even hear as James excused himself and exited the room, closing the door behind him. Remus quickly unfolded the paper and was greeted by Sirius’ messy handwriting, the same he had seen on the other man’s notebook when they had talked about his future plans for Illéa.
Taking a deep breath and trying to keep his hands from shaking, he scanned his eyes through the words.
“Dear Moony,
If you are reading this, then everything went right and you got the letter, so there’s something I need to tell you.
She knows, Moony. My mother knows that I have been seeing someone, and she knows that it’s not one of the selected women. But don’t worry, because I would rather throw myself out of the window than tell her that the person I love is you. I promise you that.
I panicked, and I am so sorry. I came to my room and my parents were here. They told me I had less than two weeks to choose and then The Selection would be over.
Therefore, me and my big mouth told mother that wouldn’t be happening, because someone else already owns my heart. Stupid, I know. But now that I think about it again, I realize that I don’t regret it, I really don’t. Because I would do the impossible to be with you.
She locked me in my room and I can’t get out. I don’t know what is going to happen, love. I don’t know what to do, and I have no idea when I will be able to see you again. But please know that I love you, and that I won’t give up on you. On us.
Forever yours,
Padfoot.”
Remus didn’t know in which part of the letter he had started crying, but by the end of it his body was shaking from the force of his heavy sobs. Tears streamed down his face as Remus clutched the small paper to his chest and over his now shattered heart, as if Sirius would be somehow closer to him if he did so.
He didn’t hear the sound of the door opening, nor the careful footsteps that approached his bed, but he soon felt a pair of small arms hugging him from his side, guiding his head to rest on a comforting shoulder, a hand caressing his hair as he continued crying heavily. It was Lily.
“Lily?” he managed to ask through his sobs and sharp intakes of breath.
“It’s me, Rem, it’s me.”
An eternity passed until Remus finally lifted his head and looked at Lily, and he found her staring at him with so much concern in her eyes that his heart clenched even more.
That was when he realized he couldn’t keep everything from her any longer , and when he opened his mouth, it all came out like an avalanche. He told her everything. He told her about how he had been smitten with Sirius from the start and how his feelings quickly grew into love. About the development of their relationship. About how he was the luckiest man in the world that Sirius felt the same way. And then he showed her the letter.
Lily looked shocked but didn’t ask any questions, she knew it wasn’t the moment for that. She just listened to everything he had to say, held him and whispered words of comfort in his ear as he struggled to breathe.
Sirius had been right, after all. Remus trusted his friend, and that was all that mattered.
Eventually, when Remus had calmed down enough to start breathing properly, he locked eyes with Lily. They were filled with gratitude, but a very specific question was also vivid there.
“James passed by my room and told me you would probably need a friendly shoulder,” she explained before he even opened his mouth to ask, and stayed silent for a while before adding, “Also, I heard you crying.”
Remus normally would have been embarrassed to know that he was crying so loudly that someone had been able to hear it from another room, but that was the least important thing to worry about.
“Lily, is James still in your room?”
“Yeah, he is, why?”
“I need to write him back.”
Understanding immediately crossed Lily’s face and she didn’t waist a second before running towards the door.
“I will get him!”
Remus then walked over to where he kept a small notebook which he used whenever he needed to write something down and swiftly ripped a page from it. He picked up a pen and started to write.
“Dear Padfoot,
I got your letter, and I have to say that I highly disagree with you. What you did wasn’t stupid. It was the bravest thing I have ever heard of, and I am so proud of you.
No one can know the future, Pads, but what I know for certain is that I love you and you love me, and that is all I really need to know.
Regardless of when we’ll see each other again and no matter what happens next, I will be here, waiting for you. I am willing to grab you and fly us to the moon if that’s what it takes to keep you happy and safe.
I will see you soon, love.
Only and forever yours,
Moony.”