THE BOY WHO FEARED OF BEING FORGOTTEN
❝And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through.❞
– DAVID BOWIE: CHANGES
Regulus Arcturus Black swore that he was going to be completely different from his brother, Sirius Orion Black in every possible way.
Well, it’s not like he hated him. Truthfully, for as long as he can remember, he was the only one he truly ever loved. It was quite lonely being the descendant of the oldest and most noble pure–blood family.
Regulus has gotten used to not needing anyone. By the time he was 9 years old, he had already mastered the art of fending for himself. While his mother went to tea parties and built relationships, his father worked at the ministry, and most of the time he was dealing with work even at the dinner table.
And then there was Sirius. Sirius was always different. Not better or worse, just different. Regulus and he couldn’t have been more unlike. When your brother decides to be a rebel, you don’t really have much of a choice except being the perfect son so that your mother’s heart doesn’t shatter and your father doesn’t suffocate of shame.
Regulus was good at playing the perfect son’s role. There was only one rule: nod and smile, no matter what your parents tell you. That doesn’t sound so hard, does it? Sometimes even Regulus couldn’t decide whether he actually agreed with them or it was just part of playing his role. Maybe they’re right. Maybe others are right. Why would a child be interested in this? The truth is overrated , kept saying Uncle Alphard. Sure, this sounded a little strange from the person who always loved causing tension at family gatherings. He was kind of like Sirius in a way, except for the fact that Uncle Alphard learned when to shut his mouth—not counting the times when he drank too much.
Regulus didn’t have that much of a hard time. Although the road that Sirius chose was way more unpredictable and lonely. Opposing your entire family? Questioning every single thing they taught you? Forgetting how much you owe them? Regulus couldn’t even comprehend how Sirius could choose some random strangers over the people he grew up with. How Sirius could defend the mudbloods and the muggles, while he has absolutely nothing to do with them as a pure–blood. How Sirius could think that he’s right.
Sirius’ first year at Hogwarts was an absolute hell for the family. Regulus barely even heard from him since he never responded to any of his letters and on top of that, his parents sent him howlers every single week. It was truly fascinating to hear them trying to come up with new ways to say that he is a blood traitor, that he is a huge disappointment for daring to betray his own blood, and how his younger brother could never do such a thing. The last statement might have been the reason for Regulus never getting any replies to his letters. When will parents learn to stop comparing siblings and pitting them against each other? When will they understand that by doing this, they completely break the siblings’ bond to the point where it cannot be fixed?
And then there were the Christmas and Easter breaks when Sirius decided that he’d rather stay at Hogwarts than go home. His parents had no objections to that. These muggle celebrations didn’t mean much to the Black family anyway, and forcing it didn’t seem such a good idea given the state of things. But at the same time, the family did need Sirius, but not the Sirius he’s become, but the Sirius he never really was.
Everyone pretended as if he didn’t exist. The relatives gossiped about him at family gatherings in low, hushed voices, but no one asked where he was. Uncle Alphard drunkenly hummed his wizarding carol called Mama’s calling me, but I’m not going to annoy his sister but Uncle Cygnus shut him down before he could start family drama.
The huge building of 12 Grimmauld Place seemed awfully lonely. Regulus could only hope that Sirius had found friends and never opened their parents’ letters, for his own sake. Because after all, they were still brothers. To be frank, it wasn’t the most insightful of him to ask to be placed in Gryffindor although perhaps it was the Sorting Hat’s fault. But we cannot argue with an ancient artefact like that, can we?
When at the end of June the Hogwarts Express arrived at King’s Cross, Sirius bid goodbye to his friends looking quite sad. Regulus tried his best not to look, since his mother was also turned away, desperately looking for other familiar faces. And then when Sirius finally approached them and only muttered a greeting under his nose was he truly in trouble. For the first half of the trip home, they had to listen to their mother lecturing his son like, “Sirius Orion Black, a pure–blood loudly and respectfully greets his family, doesn’t make them wait so much and introduces his friends!” And then for the other half, Sirius was the one who raised his voice, “You wouldn’t care about my friends, you wouldn’t even talk to two half–bloods and a blood traitor, especially if they are Gryffindors!” When they arrived home, Regulus was quick to go up to his room, having learned his lesson and not wanting to listen to this argument.
Sirius never really got along with his parents, but something in Regulus made him suspect that this summer was going to be even worse. His older brother could never play and pretend to be the perfect son who only nods, smiles, and believes everything and everyone without question. There weren’t many of these types of people in their family. But then again, there was also Andromeda, who—out of love or defiance, no one knows—had married a mudblood the previous year. The family didn’t need anything more to go ahead and burn her picture from the family tree and collectively decide to never speak of her again.
Regulus liked Andromeda a lot. She was a much better company than her sisters, Narcissa and Bellatrix, that’s for sure. She was a bit quieter but funny and kind. She always sent chocolate frogs to him and his brother and sometimes even wrote them letters. Sirius also particularly happened to like her, perhaps because she was also a rebel.
Sirius. The Sirius who always laughed at Uncle Alphard’s comments. The Sirius who was friends with half–bloods, blood traitors and even mudbloods. The Sirius who got sorted into Gryffindor, thus breaking the hundreds of years old tradition. The Sirius who came home as a completely different person after his first year at Hogwarts. The Sirius who it was incredibly hard to talk to, as if there was a huge rift between them. The Sirius who was knocking at his door just then.
“Reg, I know you’re in there!” he let out a huge sigh after his knocking was ignored. “Please, let me in!”
Regulus, who during all this time was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling, got up and opened his door. His brother, who had been standing at his doorstep for a while now couldn’t help the large grin that formed on his face. Regulus could only really take a good look at him now: his black, wavy hair had gotten longer, there were a few scars on his face and his grey eyes were glistening. He was wearing a white shirt with simple black trousers and an elegant dark blue vest—having to dress up like this was the only thing he could accept in being a pure–blood. Because if someone cared about their appearance, it was Sirius Black. He was only 12 years old, but it was already very obvious that he was going to be a very handsome man, just like the rest of his family. Regulus wasn’t much shorter than him, but his looks couldn’t quite compare to his older brother. And on top of that, the bags under his eyes have been becoming more and more noticeable from his numerous sleepless nights. His eyes didn’t have that twinkle in them like Sirius' and his hair was shorter. But Regulus wasn’t as vain as Sirius. Sometimes he stared at the mirror, thinking how odd it was that our souls are trapped in one body which we can either love or hate—one body which we can either change or not. And after a couple of decades, this body vanishes for good and nothing is left of it except the memory. The memory that is kept until the last person they knew also dies.
These were truly strange thoughts for an 11–year–old, but this was also one of the things he thought about while looking at the Black family tree out of boredom. They had such a long history but as he looked at most of the names, nothing came to his mind. Those people lived for several decades just to be forgotten a couple of centuries later. Regulus wanted to do something memorable; not rule–breaking. Invent something useful. Strengthen the fame of the family. Do something—anything that would keep him from getting forgotten. Sirius probably didn’t bother with things like this.
“You’ve grown.” stated Sirius, then pushed his brother to the side and entered his room.
“You, too.”
Every time Sirius walked through the room he pretended as if he’d not seen it a million times before. And then again he’s been the only one who could come into the room for several years now. Of course, Regulus knew that his mother made Kreacher, the house–elf regularly clean his room, but that’s completely different. He’s just a house–elf—even if he’s the only one Regulus could properly talk to for the past few months.
“So, what’s up?” Sirius asked as he plopped down on the bed, the smile still not leaving his face. Regulus just sighed and sat down next to his brother. He didn’t really feel like having a chat right now, especially after having been ignored for multiple months.
“Why didn’t you write? You promised you’d write!” Regulus only realised then how much it had truly hurt him. His voice cracked and tears started forming in his eyes.
“Reg…”
“I’m your brother, Sirius! And there’s also Mother and Father… We are your family! Writing even one letter would’ve been enough!”
“This isn’t that easy. You’ll understand later…”
“You mean later when I’m older? I’m only one year younger!” he retaliated, raising his voice.
“Please, Reg…” his older brother sighed. “I don’t want to talk about this. Not with you. I’m gonna hear it enough from Mother and Father how much of a traitor and disappointment I am… Just before, I was unpacking my trunk and I’m sure that I heard Kreacher muttering something about me… Can you believe it? Even that dumb house–elf is against me!”
“Are you surprised? He’s always trying to please our mother.”
Sirius smiled again when he realised that his brother wanted to drop the subject. It was obvious that he wanted to say something but every time he opened his mouth, nothing came out.
“Was this year… really that bad?” Regulus finally asked, looking the older one in the eyes for the first time.
Sirius shook his head. “No. It was one of the best years of my life.”
And then he told his younger brother how he befriended three boys from Gryffindor by talking about how annoying their fifth roommate is. He also told him about his new archenemy, who just so happens to be in Slytherin and they’ve been trying to make each other’s lives a living hell all year. Regulus also found out that Remus is incredibly smart, James is just like a brother—his heart skipped a beat upon hearing this—while being motherly at the same time, and Peter is the funniest person Sirius has ever met.
“So then it wasn’t so bad that the Sorting Hat made a mistake…” muttered Regulus after Sirius finished.
“Mistake?” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows. “Oh, no, not at all! Reg… can I tell you a secret?”
“Of course.”
“The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account as well.”
“What?!” Regulus shot up from the bed. “So what you’re saying is that if you didn’t choose to be in Gryffindor, you’d be in Slytherin?!”
“Exactly.”
“But why?! Sirius!”
“I also thought about asking to be in Hufflepuff, but…”
“BUT WHY?!” Regulus shouted, cutting his brother off. He couldn’t believe that Sirius decided to break such a long tradition just to defy his family. Marry a muggle or a mudblood? That’s happened a few times before. Opposing your family? That too. But despite all that, every single person from the Black family had been sorted into Slytherin for centuries.
“Just think about it for a second, Reg!” Sirius tried to reason. “I made history! I’m the first Black in Gryffindor! And I was also wondering… maybe you could try it too! I think you’re brave enough. And anyway, you can get used to the weird looks and hushed whispers after a couple of weeks—”
“NEVER!” Regulus could never do that. He could never be this selfish. Even if he wanted to, he knew his mother would instantly break if he opposed the family too. No. Everything has to be how it should be. Like his father always said: you can choose your friends, but not your family . “You might not agree with everything our family wants, but no matter what we still are your family! Toujours Pur !”
“Regulus!”
“No! No, I don’t care! I didn’t hear a single thing from you the entire year, and now you’re here telling me how you met some boys and suddenly they’re your family now! ‘James is just like a brother!’ No, Sirius, I am your brother!” Regulus only realised then that his tears had started to fall. He turned over to the window and wiped them away. He hated crying. He was always told that crying was a sign of weakness. And yet, there he was acting like a crying machine.
Sirius put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Silence settled between the two. Regulus continued to silently wipe his tears and Sirius was still clutching his shoulder. Is it always going to be like this from now on? That even they are going to start arguing about this? But after all… this is Regulus’ future. This isn’t something that he can just throw away—throw it away and never think about it again, even if Sirius thinks that it’s dumb and unimportant.
“Sirius, I’m so scared…”
“Of what?”
“Maybe you made the wrong decision. And then… you’re going to have a very difficult life, no? What if you don’t want to be my brother anymore? What if those boys—”
Sirius let out a big sigh and turned his brother to face him. He looked deep into his eyes and for the first time, he let Regulus see the pain that he buried deep inside for the entire school year so that no one else could see it.
“Everything’s gonna be different now, that’s for certain. But we will be always there for each other, no matter what happens.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”