Two red lines appeared on my wrist. It was always refreshing. I looked at the phone with no new messages from Lilia. The slight sigh escaped my mouth and I lay down on the cold floor, pressing my cheek. I wanted to scream and cry. The hard feeling of loneliness rose in my throat. Blood trickled down and accumulated on the floor. The white scars, which had healed a long time ago became more noticeable than before. I felt numb, detached from everything around me. The room felt too quiet, the silence amplifying the emptiness inside.
Lying on the floor, I drew the blade across my wrist one more time. The phone beeped. It was Lilia.
“I think you should answer her”, Calderu pointing at the phone screen. Your mother was calling you at all of a sudden. You ran your hand over your face and hung up.
I just sighed. “I can’t take it”
“This is your mother, bunny”
That’s the fucking problem. You bit your lip and looked away rom Lillia.
“Baby I know. You still need to talk. You need to end it now.” Woman’s voice was calm and soothing. Lilia knew about your hard relationships with mother. She was controlling during your childhood and even after you grew up didn’t stop to bother you. She would call almost every other day to remind you that you’re nothing without her. Calderu couldn’t hear those awful words you were receiving from your own mother but it was clear to her that if you won’t fight back this will be endless.
You took your phone and went to the kitchen. You were nervous and your heart was pounding. Lilia smiled at you trying to cheer you up but the mother already picked up her phone.
“Y/N i am worried about you. Please call me “ I looked at her message. I didn’t know how to talk to her again. The heaviness settled back into my chest. I hesitated for a moment before dialing her number, my fingers trembling as they hovered over the keypad.
“Oh now you want to talk? Thank you for that kind offer.” Mocking was obvious. “Why are you so fucking ungrateful to those who raised you? You would be a failure without me. Where are you now? With another woman? God where did I messed up so bad”
You were listening and the tear was falling down. You froze and couldn’t even talk back. You just kept listening to her smug voice. She was getting such a pleasure doing this all your life. You felt dizzy. Lilia or mother both didn’t matter anymore, nothing actually mattered. You found yourself retreating into a numb silence, her words echoing like a relentless storm in your mind. The blade under your phone case was burning, driving your attention to it.
“I am fine. Don’t wanna talk right now “ I send the message to Lilia staring a the screen. My sense of reality was slipping away as I held the bleeding arm. The cuts were worse than ever. The pain felt both sharp and distant, a warped reminder that I was still here.
Lilia was typing something. I closed my eyes for a bit. My head spun with every passing second. When I opened my eyes again, her message flashed on the screen: “Are you sure you’re okay? Baby why do I see 10th of swords?”
Oh God of course she used tarot. I tried to steady my breath, reminding myself that Lilia couldn't see me through the phone.
A sigh escaped my mouth and i put the phone away. I could not talk to her right now, afraid to affect her with my condition. I was just hoping she wouldn’t come here.
My eyes kept returning to the blade in my hand. The silence was thick as swamp water suffocating and enveloping me. The scars throbbed with a pulling pain. Thin burgundy stripes began to tighten at the edges. Deep down, part of me yearned for release, for the world outside this suffocating darkness.
I heard the door opened. That made me get up really quick. Fear surged through my veins. Standing uneasy, I awaited a silhouette, bracing myself for confrontation I wasn’t prepared to have. Lilia appeared in the doorway, looking a me with her big brown eyes. I couldn’t hold her stare and curled up on the floor in an attempt to hide from woman. But her hands were already wrapped around me.
The smell of rosemary filled my lungs. Her soft body was pressed against mine and i felt a gentle kiss on my head. She stroked my hair, whispering something unintelligible.
"My little girl, why did you run away?" she murmured in my ears.
Her tenderness was lulling. I couldn't hold back any longer and hot tears started streaming down my cheeks. I clung to her, feeling her cardigan getting wet from my tears. Lilia did not stop soothing strokes.
"Silly baby, I don't want you to leave me." She noticed the blade lying on the floor and lowered her eyes to my hand. "Oh little rabbit," she grabbed my hand and pressed her lips to the fresh scratches. "Let’s make these better, okay? " she whispered tenderly, her words wrapping around my wounded heart like a balm.
I cried in her arms while she whispered incantations. The wounds began to heal with a tingling sensation. "I'm sorry," I whispered, burying my face in her neck. But she just kept holding my hand.
"Don't," Lilia lifted my face and kissed my wet cheeks. "You shouldn't have talked to her," she whispered softly. Her brown eyes were watery, but they were filled with love. Usually people felt sorry for me, but she had no pity, only tenderness.
"You are loved," Lilia assured, squeezing my hand gently. ”You are my everything, Y/N”. She kissed my lips softly, cupping my cheeks with her palms. I closed my eyes, responding to the kiss. It was as if her warmth melted away the cold that had settled in my bones. I breathed in deeply, savoring the moment, the feeling of her closeness.
“I will always need you, my love” she murmured against my lips, her breath warm like a summer breeze. My watery eyes stared at her.
“I love you” I whispered. We sat there in silence, the words hanging in the air like a soft melody. She kissed my previously wounded hand and just put me closer to her body. Her embrace was a sanctuary, her touch a promise.
“I’m here,” she said, her voice a gentle vow. I felt a calmness wash over me, soothing the chaos inside.