loving me, loving you
When I was finally able to speak, the words rushed out of my mouth.
"Katherine... I didn’t want to hurt you, please listen to me." She had her back to me as she buttoned her shirt. She stopped in her tracks at my plea and turned her head slightly in my direction.
"Too late, Bree. You’ve had your chance. All this time we’ve been seeing each other, you’ve told me how much fun you have with me, how much you enjoy our encounters. And after we finish having sex, you lie down for five minutes and rush back to your house, with Orson."
I assumed part of her anger stemmed from my relationship with Orson, from my refusal to break up with him. I tried to empathize with her.
"Katherine, you know how hard it is for me to open up emotionally, you can’t hold that against me. And about Orson, you know how much I’d like to separate."
"If you really want it so much, then do it."
"And then what, huh? I kick him out of the house, he moves away. And then? Do I move in with you? Do we spend all our time together? Do you have any idea what kind of rumors our relationship would spark?" I was hysterical, Katherine couldn’t understand the magnitude of what I was suggesting. She couldn’t understand the scorn we would have to endure.
She didn’t answer, either because she was overwhelmed with anger or because she was thinking over my words. In either case, she was sobbing profusely. I approached, tried to comfort her, but she pushed me away with a swipe.
"Don’t you have to leave now? Orson must be wondering why you’re taking so long. Oh no, don’t let him think the worst, go, go." My words had hurt her deeply, but they were the pure reality. She had to stop dreaming and face the truth.
However, every lament she uttered painfully tore a piece of my heart out.
I didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, it was late, so I needed to go home before Orson started worrying. But on the other hand, there was Katherine... Katherine, sitting, broken like a porcelain doll.
٭٭٭
"How could you stay there to sleep!?" Orson’s screams from the other line made me grimace. "You see, Katherine..."
And I told him an elaborate story about how Dylan had been ignoring her lately, how she was very depressed, and how my presence was essential there. I could hear his angry breathing and the clicking of his tongue as I weaved my web of lies. When I finished, there was silence.
"Orson... Are you still there?"
"I totally understand, darling, you’re such a good friend." I tried to detect a reproachful tone, a hint of disdain in his words.
But I couldn’t find it. He had believed my story.
"Wow, I didn’t know about Dylan... Dating a drug dealer? Wow, I didn’t expect that."
"I know, I know, Katherine is devastated. I think it’s better if I stay here... You know, so she doesn’t do anything she might regret. I’m sorry, darling, I’ll make it up to you tomorrow."
"Good night, Bree."
I hung up, hopeful. I had solved one problem, so why not solve another?
I went upstairs and found Katherine in bed, arms crossed, staring at the wall.
"Katherine, I’m staying tonight."
"I’ve already heard you downstairs. Do whatever you want, for me, I don't care if you move to Singapore."
"Katherine, please don’t say that. Can we talk?" I knew I had messed up, I knew I’d have to insist and persuade her to even look me in the eyes.
She pulled away from me.
"Katherine, stop being childish. Earlier... we said things we’re not proud of. I... look, you caught me off guard, that’s all. And then, in the heat of the moment, I said things that weren’t true." I approached her. "Please, look at me."
I must have softened her heart because she slowly turned her head toward me. Her eyes were swollen, and the tip of her nose was red. Even though we were fighting, she was absolutely adorable at that moment.
"Mmmh." She looked at me. I took the sound as an invitation to continue with my arguments, a last chance to express what I felt.
"Katherine... When we met, I felt a... special connection to you." It was hard for me to put my feelings into words, but I persisted. "I didn’t know what it was, I thought it was just a desire for sincere friendship. However, every day we spent together, every party we went to, every conversation we had; it was..." The words got stuck in my throat.
Katherine smiled, aware of my efforts, and took my hand.
"Was what, Bree?" she encouraged me to continue, to open up. Sweet, attentive, playful. That’s what she was. That’s what I had to evoke.
"It was... it was... It was the best part of my day. And, again, I thought it was just a growing friendship; the ‘honeymoon phase,’ so to speak. But... a couple of weeks ago, I started feeling something more, something different. It was, it is, a strange sensation, a tingling in my gut and my heart. I thought it was intrusive and fleeting, but I was wrong." She squeezed my hand. I’m with you, her innocent gaze seemed to say.
I continued, noticing that the words began to flow on their own.
"No, after thinking about it, I realized that what I felt went beyond mere feelings of friendship. No, it was something more. And it was hard to accept, really, it’s still hard to accept. And I was also afraid of hurting you, Orson, everyone. But I had a revelation, you know? A clear, unaltered revelation that told me ‘Go for it.’ And that’s what I’ve been doing this past week and a half, going for it. I’ve ignored the feelings of everyone around me for the sake of my own well-being."
"Bree, that’s..." She interrupted me.
"I’m not finished, darling. First, I ignored my own feelings. I thought if we slept together a couple of times, it would pass. I would pray, I’d regret it, then I’d keep going. But no, this wasn’t fleeting. It wasn’t a whim. And that’s why I was afraid to face my own emotions, because... because I’m afraid to admit that I love you."