“Expectro Patronum.” he whispered and with the memory of a smile on his mind, he summoned a patronus.
The beautiful stag danced around chasing away the dementor that was hiding in the place. The shock that he had managed to summon a corporeal patronus kept him frozen on the spot until his friend shook him out of his daze.
“Buck?”
“It's nothing, we can go now.” he mentally chased away the thoughts that suddenly assaulted him and focused on their mission, knowing that there would be time to think once they were done.
Later that day while he was sitting in the dark in his room, an idea came to him, one that would surely break his heart if it proved that he was right, but he needed to try and see.
This time there were no dementors around him, no chill in his bones, no screams in his head, that he didn't think he could summon a patronus, but a flick of his wand proved him otherwise.
He was right and hated that he was. In front of him was standing a glowing stag, radiating the comfort he needed.
It had changed, his patronus wasn't the same and he had no idea when that happened, he hadn't been able to conjure one since…
He didn't want to remember that, he tried to forget about it even though he never could, yet life had a brutal way of reminding him. The stag bowed his head and stepped forward to bump its nose against his head in an adorable gesture.
“Why do you have to look like-“ the door slightly opened, successfully interrupting him.
“Bucky?” by the tone, he knew that the time to explain himself arrived, so he answered,
“Yes, Steve?” the gentleness in his voice caught his friend off guard and he stumbled over his words in an attempt to explain his presence.
“You didn't get down for dinner, so I brought you some…” a pause,
“I know you prefer to be alone, but I can tell that there's something that's bothering you and… you know you can talk to me about anything right? “ Bucky tried to deal with his problems by himself, he didn't want to talk to anyone, he knew that they wouldn't understand him, so he kept his mouth shut, but this time he felt like talking, he felt like breaking down, just so the pain could give him a break.
“Get in.” his friend rushed inside with a tray in his hands, surprise written all over his face until his gaze fell upon the patronus, then his expression changed as he battled to keep his reaction hidden, still Bucky managed to catch the sadness.
Steve carefully placed the tray on the bedside table and went to sit on the floor not far from him. Sensing the question that Steve was afraid to ask, he said,
“Spit it out.”
“Your patronus has changed, this one looks like one of…” he bit his lips to stop talking, but there was no need to be mindful of Bucky’s feelings, tonight he wasn't hiding anything.
“One of Tony’s, a majestic stag.” and he reached out to pet the stag.
“I haven't noticed.” was Steve’s reply who looked so on edge that he couldn't stop himself from chuckling.
“Relax, Stevie, I won't break if I talk about him, I kind of want to.” the reaction was immediate and he let out a sigh when he noticed Steve’s relaxed posture.
“Neither have I, did you know that after he…after Tony died I couldn't summon a patronus no matter how much I tried, it was as if all the happiness died with him, like the days before I met him when I was just a tool in the dark Lord's hands, having no control over myself.” Steve’s eyes were drowning in sadness and sympathy for both Bucky and their fallen friend.
“Then you rescued me, giving me back the control over myself and I still couldn't summon one, until…”
“Until Tony.” his friend finished the sentence for him.
“Yes, the stubborn idiot wouldn't give up, he ignored the fact that I was dangerous, that I was slowly starting to put together my scrambled mind, he saw something in me and decided to be my friend.” involuntarily his lips pulled into a soft smile.
“Tony was kinder than he showed, he simply told me that my friend needed something interesting and fun in his life, so he decided to improve your life. Nat claimed that his issues made him eager to fix everything he thought needed fixing, also he always did his best to improve the world.”
“He was shining like a star, Stevie, but instead of being cold and distant, he was warm and comforting… eccentric with the tendency to overwork and to blame himself for things he didn't do.”
He was my sun, stars and moon.
“You loved him didn't you? “ echoed over them and instead of an answer Bucky pointed at the patronus, the ultimate proof of his love.
“How could I not? You know, he insisted that I had to learn the patronus charm, I joked that I'm scary enough and that I don't need it, but he gave me those doe eyes and I couldn't say no to him.” Steve laughed at his pout when he mentioned the power of Tony’s soulful eyes, knowing that he had also fallen victim to the same look.
“I know, it was impossible to resist it.”
“And he did manage to teach me, you should have seen him Stevie, he was happier than me when I finally conjured one, he hugged me, saying that I was wonderful and to never let myself believe otherwise. He was so damn proud of my accomplishments that I caught myself working even harder to make him look like that.”
“He was always impressed by your patience and hard work, he said that you're unbelievably kind for someone who had been through so much pain… I think you were his inspiration, Buck.” he had to take his gaze off the patronus and point it at his friend, tears stinging in his eyes at the words.
“Really?”
“Oh, Buck.” he whispered, before he conjured a small lantern, so they could better see each other.
“I thought you noticed it, the way he was protective of you, how much he worked on improving spells and coming up with inventions just to ease your pain. Remember how he always stayed next to you when you would wake up from a nightmare? The lantern he gave you for your birthday…Nat said that he spent days working on that, the perfect lantern to keep the nightmares away.” he was crying while listening to Steve, not trying to hide it because he found himself drowning in so many emotions that he didn't know what to do. “Why didn't he say anything? I… I thought he was only being kind, he's been through a lot himself and he always tried to show sympathy in any way he could, even if it was with using jokes.”
“I don't know Buck, he was open with his affection, he never hid his attraction towards anyone, but he was careful when it came to you, it was unbelievable.”
“Idiot, self-sacrificing, insecure idiot.” he gritted out, wanting to be angry, desperately needing to be able to see Tony just so he could slap him for being too good for the world, too good for Bucky.
“Buck? “
“I could have… we could have had time together, I could have…do you have any idea how much I wanted to hold him? Kiss him? Make him happy? I couldn't measure it even if I tried, he was the brightest thing in my life Stevie and I was afraid to say something, was afraid that I would ruin our friendship if I admitted my feelings and now…” he kept talking because he knew that if he stopped, he would start screaming.
“Stevie, I lost him…before I even got a chance, before I could tell him…” that's when he finally broke down.
Steve rushed forward and wrapped him in an embrace, holding him while he cried his heart out.
The last thing he remembered was the glow of the patronus and the memory of Tony telling him that he was always going to be by his side before he was pulled into a restless sleep.