I can't do this anymore
“I always disappoint someone!” Sirius yelled, his voice raspy and hoarse from his breakdown earlier. “Whether it’s you or James or Pete or - or…” He cuts himself off. His ragged breath being the only thing heard in the otherwise silent room.
Sirius held his hand out in front of him, watching them shake before clenching them in fists, tight enough to make half-moons carved to his hands. He looked back at Remus, broken and upset. His thoughts all over the place, he opens and closes his mouth before managing to end his sentence.
“My parents,” his voice cracks and he breaks all over again. The tears finally fall, a sob ripping through his throat.
“Re…” he breathes, doubling over. “I— I can’t. Re I can’t!” he sobs. One hand clutches his chest, the other gripping onto Remus’ sweater, like a lifeline. And from all Remus knew it was.
“Si—” But Remus gets cut off. Sirius looks up eyes frantic, hands shaking as they are both gripping onto Remus now. He can’t leave. Stay, Remus has to stay! Sirius doesn’t know what he would do if Remus actually left.
“I can’t do this anymore! Moo— Moo-ny I can’t!” Tears streaming down his face, his voice cracking over his words.
Remus looked down and his concerned and curious. He holds onto to Sirius’ arms lightly before pulling him into a hug.
“Can’t do what Siri? Come on I need you to breathe for me.” He ran his hands up and down his back, feeling Sirius sob into his shoulder. “Shh,” he soothed gently.
“I can’t take it! I can’t Rem! I— I just want it to end. I want to be g-gone.” His voice muffled through Remus’ sweater. Remus’ heart shatters. He holds Sirius tighter as if it were the only thing keeping him together.
His mind is brought back to when Sirius first tried.
It had been a Monday night, at the end of the fourth year. He had turned 15 earlier in the year. It had been only a week until summer break. Remus found him, picking up his scent when he walked into the dorm.
***
Finally, Remus thought, Class, is over.
Sirius had been missing most of the day. After lunch, he had disappeared.
“Be back lads,” he said with a smile, before promptly getting up and walking out of the Great Hall, only hours before. Remus shook his head, ridding himself of all those intrusive thoughts. Surely Sirius hadn’t done anything stupid. Honestly the idiot probably just skived off today to try to catch up on sleep or something.
As Remus reached the dormitory door he immediately got worried. He could feel the wolf clawing and fighting to reach the surface. To take over and break free. It registered to him that the wolf could sense something vulnerable was nearby,
Something weak, something hurt, some sort of prey. Slowly Remus opened the door, doing all he could to fight the wolf back down. Immediately the smell of copper hit him. His eyes widened “Sirius,” he breathes. Throwing the door open he sprinted to the bathroom.
Grabbing the door handle he twisted it. Shaking it, trying to get it open in his flurry of panic. Locked, he noticed. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” he curses. Raising his hand to bang on the door.
“Sirius!” He yells. The scent of copper had gotten stronger, easily recognizable as blood. Frantically he pounds on the door, before searching his robes for his wand.
Finding it, he casts the simple unlocking spell, before almost slamming the door off his hinges, rushing into the small room. The smell of blood is so much stronger, it surrounds him. He spots Sirius quickly.
Laying in the bathtub with a puddle of his own blood around him. His wrists slit and his skin and face were so much paler than natural. His body limp, eyes shut, his chest showed no indication or him breathing.
Remus’ stomach churns. Sirius, his mate, was covered in his own blood. The boy he loved, had taken his own life. Remus felt tears spring to his eyes, a sob breaking through the normally composed marauder. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to tell Sirius how he felt. Now he’d never known if Sirius felt the same.
“God I could have prevented this!” He yelled at no one. His frustration and rage came to the surface. Unwillingly so, the wolf broke free.
Mate, love, protect, it said. Save, must save.
He threw himself down next to Sirius, gingerly picking up one of his bloody wrists. Pointing his wand at it, he willed himself to remember healing spells. The one Snape made, that was one of the strongest he’s ever seen.
“Santauer, vulnera, what was it, what was it?” he mumbled, “Vulnera Santauer!” He said, remembering the correct order. He traced his wand along the edge of the split skin, repeating it twice more before moving to the other wrist. He did the same to that one, before trying to shake Sirius awake.
He had tears running down his face, Sirius couldn’t die! He wouldn’t! He wouldn’t do that to me. Remus yelled in his head.
He took Sirius by the shoulders, shaking him. He cried harder seeing Sirius’ head lull side to side. Remus’ vision was going blurry he had to get help, fast!
***
Remus remembers that night vividly. It was only 2 years prior but he thought Sirius had been getting better. After he woke up in the hospital sometime later, Remus had confessed his feelings to him. He told him of the way that he noticed his beautiful smile, the way his eyes lit up in the light.
He thinks back to the way Sirius smiled that night, the way he held onto his hand. A whispered I love you too, into the silence of the hospital wing.
Remus couldn’t lose him again. He wouldn’t lose him again. So he decided, he would never let Sirius go down that road again. Not alone.
He hugged Sirius tighter if that was even possible. The memory of that day bright tears to his eyes.
“Don’t do it.” He whispered. “I’m not losing you. Okay? I can’t.” He knew it was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t be trying to guilt Sirius into staying, but he didn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t know how else to convince him! Sirius would stay if he realized that someone didn’t want him gone. That once he realized that everyone didn’t hate him, it was just in his head.
“I need you okay. I need to know you’re here when I wake up when I go to sleep. I need to be able to kiss you good morning and goodnight. I need to be there for you, and for you to be there for me. I need you, Sirius! Promise me something, love. Promise me you’ll always be here for me, that you won’t leave me. Please, Sirius, I don’t know what I would do if you left,” he sobbed. He hadn’t realized how true this was until he said it.
Slowly he backed them away for the astronomy tower ledge. Feeling Sirius’ gasps turn into hiccups and his body relax slightly into he felt reassured.
“Okay,” Sirius said, “Okay.”