People are liars, speaking about love and lust as such wonderous feelings, such captivating and extraordinary things. It’s a fantasy, sparks fly, hands are held, mouths are kissed, lives are filled with joy and happiness; it was lies. Sirius Black knew what it felt to be in love, and it was none of the above, no, it was gut wrenching, as if your stomach was being poked and prodded with knives, those same knives ripped every seam of your heart that nimble fingers sewed so gently, RIPPED! Dirty fucking liars, writing sonnets and symphonies, poems and lyrics with their smug faces, knowing it was all a trick, an illusion, because it was notwonderous.
Was it extraordinary? Yes, extraordinarily painful. Let us not forget about the agony of the soul, the aching of the heart and confusion of the mind, love could go fuck itself as far as Sirius was concerned. He had seen the chaos of it firsthand, lusting after Remus Lupin and all. He longed after the soft-haired boy with the weather beaten, heavenly face that girls and boys chased after, and he let them. Oh, how Remus Lupin led them, all shy smiles and sarcastic comments, strong hands and scarred lines, Sirius wanted to be led by him, Sirius was led by him, Remus just didn’t know it.
Remus was the part that Sirius couldn’t bear to let go, ever. He was the breath in his burning lungs, the constant, the beat of his heart, the thoughts that were written in fine black ink across pages and pages, Remus was the moon and Sirius was the stars, they existed for one another, they were meant to be, Sirius was sure, if only Remus felt the same.
…
‘Marlene, he’s doing it again.’ Sirius whined. Who wouldn’t whine and pout and throw a fit if Remus Lupin was there, just beyond your grasp, so close you could feel the heat from his breath, feel yourself slipping off the cliff you dangled over for him—and couldn’t have him?
‘Sirius, he’s reading a book.’
‘No, but look, he does that thing with eyebrows,’ Remus sat by the fire, orange and yellow hues cast onto his pale skin, his lashes set long shadows over his narrow cheekbones; Sirius was in awe, it was like watching a painting, every stroke of his skin was fine and lovely, every expression that littered his perfect face seemed to be tempered to his fine features, he was crafted only for the light, so perfectly melted with aureate streaks. Little embers were flying by and circling around him and Sirius was sure they were just as entranced. Oh, how he wished to be ember, burning and ablaze yet not confined to fiery pits but instead free to roam, slowly burning out but free at once, and to flicker and trickle about someone such as Remus Lupin, Sirius would give anything.
Sirius noted the curve of his wrists, slim and bony, just like the curves of his knuckles and fingertips. He painted the image of Remus lounging under the light behind his eyelids, the focus that captivated his features, the slight draw of his eyebrows. the way Remus gently stroked the frayed, burdened spine of the book, lightly grazing the lettering: The Odyssey, he wondered if Remus would stroke him as they laid together, slender fingers fluid and soft against his back, arms, legs.
‘Might want to clean your drool before lover boy sees it.’
‘I don’t drool, I honestly think I’m getting over him.’ Sirius subconsciously wiped his mouth. He felt the lie in his throat, barely spitting it out, it wasn’t true, he was not getting over it, how could he?
‘He’s just so fucking perfect.’
Sirius had concluded that Remus was the definition of perfection. He had come to this not-so-surprising verdict whilst 5th was nearing its end, when he realized he couldn’t stand not speaking, touching, or simply existing around Remus. It was that year—that he was drowning, drifting and choking in result of his own foolish, remarkably dim-witted, inconsiderate, horrible, horrible, horrible actions, he was suffocating in his own bullshit. But what was worse was that the target of these awful actions was Remus. Sirius had nightmare after nightmare of the utter horror that painted itself onto Remus, the ghoulish paling of his skin, how he retracted his fingers from Sirius’ own and turned away, not speaking but simply closing his eyes and pretending to fall asleep. His eyes that were once bright and filled with specks of the sun had become dead marigolds, dead dead dead, wilted and misshapen with the betrayal of not being watered. Remus hadn’t cried then, but something inside him snapped, broke and crumbled and was never set quite right again. Sirius still had nightmares.
Remus didn’t speak to him for the rest of their quickly ending year, nor in the summer, it was the worst Summer yet, somehow losing Remus was worse than the crucio, and whippings, the lacero and verbal soul tearing, it was worse. Sirius felt himself growing more and more weary as the days went on and still, he had not heard a word from Remus, letters came but only for James, Sirius cried ugly tears.
Remus hadn’t spent Summer with the Potters, he spent it with his mother, he said it was difficult for her to see him, alive and well, he said it only reminded her that his father was dead, though when he spoke of his family, he was blank, indifferent, and detached, unlike Sirius who swore and screamed, beat and cried, he let everything tumble out an into the world; Remus never said much. Remus claimed to be an open book, and if he was, he would be a tea stained, worn book that had dog-eared pages and highlighted passages, notes scribbled in the margins in dark ink speaking of the beauty and structure, the breath-taking imagery and charm, but he wasn’t. Remus liked to hide, he liked to keep secrets and he knew how to keep them well, arguing and dishing out sarcastic comments and artfully avoiding any topics that would dredge up uncomfortable feelings, or simply feelings he didn’t want to tell anyone, and it frustrated Sirius to no end. He wanted to be the exception of Remus’ veiled persona, he knew as much as James and Peter, maybe more but not enough, he wanted to be his confidant, the one Remus came to, to spill his secrets so Sirius could spill his and they could become entangled in a web of secrecy and enigmatic words, a web they spun for them, and them only, he wanted, and wanted, and wanted.
September 3rd was the first they spoke; it was all shy and unventured territory for them both, they were unsure of where they stood together, if it was together. Sirius knew he wasn’t forgiven, Remus made sure to make that known in the cold undertones of his voice and not so subtle jabs at Sirius, (‘So now you care about my safety?’ He had said, it felt like cutthroat ice being stabbed at his skin, he was trapped in the frigid, biting wind of Remus’ hatred.)
Their friendship was sparked when Remus finally burst. His face was dusted red as he screamed and screamed, (‘You bastard! You betrayed me, you made me feel more like a monster than I ever have before. You shattered my trust, and I will never look at you the same. You were my best friend, the person I held the most love for and its gone now! You fucked everything up.’ Remus had tear stained cheeks, his hands in the sleeves of his sweater, they were always baggy; Sirius had never felt so small and pathetic, Remus was right about everything. Sirius dropped to his knees, right at Remus’ feet and begged, he pleaded and pleaded, apology after apology, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.’ Sirius heaved on the ground, his salt-stained eyes bore into Remus’, still dead dead dead, but Sirius vowed to bring life into them. Remus heaved a loud sigh, the kind that stemmed from the bottom of your throat, ‘Sirius, can you just hug me?’’)
It was mid-October now, they were slowly reeling back into their friendship, everyday growing an inch closer, but at the same time Sirius felt as though they were stuck, pretending to move forward but really stuck in a friendly place, Sirius didn’t want friendly, he wanted his passionate, heart stopping, friction creating, tension filled relationship with Remus back.
‘He is quite perfect, if I wasn’t gay, I would be after him.’ Marlene grinned, her dimples making way.
‘I need your help Marls, he—even though I know he won’t ever want me like that, I just need him back.’ Sirius was teetering at the edge of his feelings, one push and he would bound over the edge and he would never return, only spend his life in the bottomless pit, free-falling and calling out for Remus, only hearing his own voice echoing.
‘Sirius—’ She started, her eyes went unbelievably soft and Sirius knew what was coming, ‘You need to give him his space.’ He didn’t want space, did what he want, not matter?
‘Moony! Moonbeam! Moonshine!’
Remus looked up from his book, his lips slightly parted with the sun still shining, his skin glowed golden. He gave Sirius a questioning look, ‘what do you want?’ it said. Sirius wanted a lot of things, he wanted Remus, he wanted to touch Remus’ hair, hands and jaw, he wanted to lay in Remus’ endless supply of brown sweaters and feel like he was drowning in them, he wanted a lot of things and most had to do with Remus.
Sirius smiled his smile, wide and grinning, and mouthed a simple, ‘Hi.’ Remus rolled his eyes and returned to his book; his eyebrows didn’t clip together in concentration though. He didn’t spare Sirius an extra glance, not one that was filled with deep longing that clutched to his very being, or wanting that sprouted like dandelions in rich, green grasses under the scorching summer sun, Sirius wanted Remus to look at him how Sirius looked at Remus. Sirius’ smile fell.
‘He hates me, he hates me, he hates me.’ He felt pathetic.
‘Sirius, he needs time, you’re lucky he even forgave you, and I’m not saying that to be a bitch but it’s the truth, you fucked up really fucking bad, but he was willing to forgive you, he needs time so give it.’
‘Yeah, yeah okay.’
Sirius didn’t smile all day.
…
‘I have an idea.’ Sirius loved all of Remus’ ideas.
They sat in the common room, it was past curfew and only few people were around, scarves and jackets draped around chairs, spilled ink and bottles littered tables with open books, 7th years studying for their NEWTs.
‘Alright dear moony, what’s this idea.’ James said, he sat with his arm draped around Remus’ sweater clad shoulders. It used to be Sirius who held Remus, held him so close he hoped they would melt into each other like chocolate, he would trace the beige scars with his eyes, but now it was James, and Sirius wanted to cry.
‘We spell every door to shut whenever a Slytherin tries to get through.’ Remus was grinning. Sirius wanted to kiss into that grin, kiss the corners of it and make it grow wider, he wanted to fall asleep to it.
‘Oh, moony, you are a genius!’
‘Every door?’ Peter said.
‘Maybe not every door, that would take a very long time, but maybe just classroom doors, and whatever doors we come across?’ Remus said, he dropped his onto James shoulder and James bit into his hair making Remus slap chest and heave a long, ‘Prooooongs!’’ Sirius stared; his hands itched to pull Remus to him. He wanted to smell the fresh shampoo and chocolate, the forest and salty sea.
Sirius had yet to speak.
‘Padfoot?’ Remus said, Sirius was already looking at him.
‘Yeah, yeah I think that’s a great idea Moonbeam.’ He grinned his grin, and Remus smiled back, it was shy and reserved as if not quite sure if he was supposed to or not and Sirius thought he had never seen anything so impossibly beautiful except Remus himself.
…
Sirius laid in bed; he couldn’t sleep. He was painfully aware of the other boy, the one he would crawl to the ends of the world and back for, he knew it was cliché, but it was all he felt. Remus was a blur of browns, a mess of beiges and a tangle of maroons, Sirius wanted to lose himself in browns, beiges and tangles of maroons. It was pathetic really, fawning over someone so awfully, so blatantly obviously. He heard the gentle patter of footsteps growing louder, his heart was in his throat.
‘Sirius?’ He could recognize that voice anywhere, and then his curtains were being opened and he saw his silhouette, an ivory glow flickered around his edges, his eyes barely visible in the dark, arms wrapped around his torso.
‘Remus.’ It came out as a breath; he hadn’t meant it to.
‘I don’t hate you.’ His voice held a certain stillness, a calm that only Remus could have, a calm that Sirius wanted to bathe in.
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah.’ Then he was gone, chocolate, forest and the salty sea lingered where his shadow once was.
Sirius fell asleep smiling, maybe they weren’t stuck.
…
Sirius was in agony, absolute agony, what was the saying? The heart wants what the heart wants? No, it can’t want whatever it wants because maybe what it wants doesn’t want it back, and that thought was a dagger to the heart. It was a week before Halloween, the leaves were browning and falling, the air grew crisp and cold, and the sun set quicker, shorter days were ahead.
‘I don’t understand!’ Peter whined for the 5th time that day. They were on their way to Transfiguration, walking briskly through the corridors and bunches of students. Remus was trying to explain the spell work for their prank to Peter and the poor boy just could not get it through his thick skull.
‘You don’t need to understand it, it’s fine, James’, Pads and I have a handle on it, you just focus on sitting pretty.’ Remus said, pulling ahead of the group and falling into stride with Marlene and Dorcas.
Sirius watched him walk.
…
Sirius watched the back of Remus’ head, the soft curls that fell back over the shaved, faded sides, and if the sun caught him at just the right angle his hair would lighten further, looking golden and warm like it absorbed the light. He stared at his neck, the soft milky skin, the slim curves of his shoulders and the scar that peeked just above the collar of his robes, pastel pink and softened into his skin. He watched how Remus hunched while he was writing, craning over his work with his lips nearly touching the parchment; Sirius wanted to be the parchment, or the quill he held in his hands, gripping it in his left and scribbling furiously.
‘Mr. Black, would you inform me on the properties of transfiguring an object into a live organism?’ Professor Mcgonagall said.
‘I really can’t Minnie.’ He leaned lazily into his chair.
‘That is a shame Mr. Black, 1 point from Gryffindor.’
Remus turned to look at him, his dead dead dead eyes seared through him, he was still slightly hunched. Sirius grinned, ‘Well you need to take into account the weight, width, height and density of both the object and orgasm—’
‘Mr. Black! Detention!’ Minnie held back a smile and turned to the board, ‘1 point to Gryffindor.’
Sirius caught Remus laughing quietly next to Peter, his shoulders shaking, he turned to glance at Sirius and his throat felt dry, there was a jot of light in those dead eyes and it was something Sirius thought he could die for, it felt as though he had just resurfaced from hours of being underwater, everything was subdued and muffled but now it felt vibrant and clear. Sirius smiled to himself, he had brought an ounce of life into those marigold eyes, he didn’t care that the rest of the class laughed, only Remus.
‘Nice one, Sirius.’ James said.
…
Remus had been sneaking off. He may have thought no one would notice, he was very smart about it, calculated and sly. He made sure no one would ask questions, making sure everyone was busy and had other things to focus on, but Sirius noticed, he always noticed.
One afternoon, they were lounging in the sun-soaked grass, it was a rare warm day, and the students of Hogwarts took advantage of it. Many people were littered across the verdant grounds, sitting under fallow trees, talking, laughing and sleeping. Scarves and robes were thrown carelessly in piles, students soaked their toes in The Black Lake, splashing each other and letting out loud cries of protest.
‘What do you think would happen if we accio’d the Giant Squid, then shrunk it and put it in one of those fish cup things.’ James said, his glasses glinting in the sun.
Peter let out a loud guffaw type laugh, ‘Probably get expelled.’
‘And cause that squid a great deal of trauma.’ Remus added on.
‘I reckon he would be quite content living in a fish cup—’
‘Bowl, fishbowl.’ Remus said.
‘Whatever,’ Sirius continued, ‘A fishbowl, we could keep him in the dorm, name him something.’ Sirius laid back on his elbows, ‘I like the name Big Bob.’
‘How do you know it’s he? Could very well be a girl, or neither, intersex animals exist you know.’
‘Sorry dear Remus, how’s they?’ Sirius said, staring directly at Remus and how the glare of the harsh sun didn’t seem so harsh on him.
‘Better.’
‘You guys bicker over anything, it’s adorable.’ James said. He always claimed they were complete opposites but that was why the friendship worked so well, friendship. Remus hummed in reply and returned to reading his book, stroking the creased spine, the lettering, his forehead pulled into concentration. Sirius couldn’t help but stare.
‘So, moonbeam, where have you been off to?’ Sirius said, his voice was washed in curiosity. Of course, he wanted to know where his best friend had been sneaking off to in the shadows, unseen and unnoticed, he had a right to know.
‘What ever do you mean, Sirius?’ Remus said harshly, he was glaring, it was a hard, rude and disturbing look; Sirius wouldn’t back down.
‘Oh, just where you keep disappearing to, all alone.’ Sirius said, smirking in a way that said, ‘answer, I dare you.’ Remus turned back to his book, his hands clenched around the edges and he didn’t stroke the spine, instead he sat stiff and rigid.
‘What do you mean Pads—’ James was interrupted,
‘Hello!’ Lily said, Marlene, Dorcas and Mary in tow, James attention was solely on her now, his eyes went glossy and lovestruck, and he grinned widely. Sirius wondered if he looked like that while looking at Remus.
They sat with them, taking in the sun and glowing in it. Marlene laid with Dorcas, an arm wrapped around her shoulders; Sirius stared, he wanted to do that with Remus, he wanted nothing more than to put his arms around his broad shoulders that he hid under baggy clothes, to hold him—not in a friendly way, but in a claiming way.
Lily took her seat next to Remus, chatting about what book he was currently reading, her red hair fiery under the bright sun, it was shiny and reminded Sirius of fire whiskey. He scooted over and threw his hands onto Remus’ shoulders, holding him gently as he pressed lightly into the tense muscles; Remus shrugged him away, throwing him a deathly stare and continuing talking to Lily about how bloody wonderful Homer was.
Sirius felt rejected, Remus couldn’t genuinely be pissed at him about his comment earlier, he was only joking. They had many, many, fights before, both physical and verbal but they always came back, stronger and closer than before. Sirius hoped, prayed and begged that the incident would have been the same, had had the same effect but he knew his efforts were futile, no number of apologies and tears could possibly cauterize the wounds Sirius wrought on Remus, and Sirius hated himself for it, he would always hate himself for it.
…
POV SHIFT
Remus laid across Lily’s legs, his head in her lap and her hands in his hair. It was 4am, it was quiet and still in the common room, apart from their shamefully loud laughing, ivory light poured through the windows and the fire gave the room an orange hue. Clothes, dishes and trash were no longer littered across the room, the elves had cleaned before they stumbled into the common room high and having a good time.
‘Lily, I’m going to tell you something, and it isn’t because I’m a little bit not in my right mind,’ Remus laughed, though his chest felt far from humorous, it was more of a deep concave that kept growing and growing until it would consume him whole. He needed to tell someone, and Lily was perfect.
‘Go on then.’ Lily said, her skin sanguine and sheen.
Lily was the first person Remus wanted to tell. They had grown considerably close over the years they had been at Hogwarts, bouncing off each other’s personalities, confiding in one another without really meaning to, it had just happened.
He remembered the first time he had met her.
He stood on the platform, nervous and alone, fidgeting with his sleeves and trying not to vomit. The platform was full of life and bright colours, scents and voices thickened the air and he felt sick. Someone had bumped into him, he stumbled forward slightly, his eyes wide and terrified.
‘Oh! I’m sorry!’ He turned to face a red faced, red haired, pale skinned, green eyed girl he would soon know as his best friend.
‘Well, get on with it Re, don’t want anything wearing off, this seems serious.’ She ran her fingers through his hair, her fingertips brushing his scalp and gently moving in circles.
Remus braced himself, ‘I’m bisexual.’ Lily’s fingers stilled, and Remus had never felt so stupid in his entire life. She hated him, she would never speak to him and would tell everyone, she would never speak to him again, she would never—
‘Remus Lupin! Stop spiralling I can see your head spinning you idiot! I’m so bloody proud of you, and I hope you know I couldn’t give any shits less, you’re still my best friend and I love you.’ Her voice held such honesty and clear love, Remus felt his fondness grow.
Remus felt relief. His entire body relaxed, and he sat up to face Lily, a bright grin and red eyes were what he came to face, she was truly the best friend anyone could ask for.
‘I love you too, Lils.’ He really did.
‘So, any gay relations I should be aware of? Or relations in general?’
…
They walked to Arithmancy; arms linked, the rest of the marauders not far behind, they didn’t even take arithmancy but insisted on walking to class with Lily and Remus. Remus could hear them chattering on, he didn’t have the energy to eavesdrop.
Remus was barely dragging himself across the castle, his head was full and heavy and his back ached, his arms were sore, and the balls of his feet were raw, it had been a rough moon. He could still smell the rich forest dirt if he inhaled longed enough.
‘Well, what do we have here? Two little mudbloo—’ Mulciber didn’t get to finish his filthy sentence; Remus punched him in the face, his pain and fatigue disappeared as soon as Mulciber appeared with his cronies, all big and sweaty, full of hate and bullshit to spew. Remus kept punching, no one insulted Lily.
He was full of rage, his head was spinning and all he saw was red, red red red, he felt the anger tangle in the roots of his stomach and twist up his throat and down his arms to his fists. He cursed and swore as he pummelled Mulcibers face, his friends were long gone. Remus couldn’t feel the blood dripping down his knuckles or the yells that told him to stop.
He vaguely heard Lily cheering him on, and then footsteps and he was being pulled off Mulciber and held by 2 pairs of hands. Remus’ chest was heaving, and his face was red and sweaty, his hands were on fire as he started laughing, ‘Try that shit again, I dare you.’
Mulciber ran off, his face bloody and swollen.
‘Bloody hell Moony,’ Sirius said under his breath, but Remus heard.
Ah, yes, Sirius Black, some of this rage could be an effect of his tight, strained relationship with Sirius Black, but not truly, he had always been protective when it came to his friends, especially Lily. He had done the same to many Slytherins before, they ran bloody and bruised, yet were dumb enough to keep returning.
A pair of arms wrapped themselves around his waist, and tightened, he could smell her shampoo, strawberries and vanilla mixed with hints of ash and weed.
‘Why did you do that you fucking idiot.’ Lily said, her voice brimming with humour. She leaned against Remus as they continued walking to class, he didn’t ignore the incredulous looks the other 3 boys were giving him.
‘He’s a dick, deserved it. Though I know you could have done the same to him. I know you loved it.’ Remus said, smiling and placing a kiss on the top of her head. He heard James scoff, so he pulled Lily closer, knowing he was getting and earful from James the Romancer Potter tonight.
‘Damn right I could have, but I appreciate it, and it was bloody hot.’ Lily snorted. The adrenaline ceased and he ached again, he let out a deep breath, trying not to wince, Lily’s face turned to one of concern as she grabbed Remus’ hands and inspected his bloody knuckles, he heard her calling him a stupid fuck under her breath.
‘Get a room,’ Sirius muttered as he turned and left to go to his class, James and Peter following closely behind. Sirius had been in a foul mood lately, getting irritated seemingly for no reason, but Remus was always there, and he couldn’t help but think it was his fault, and he pretended he didn’t care, because fuck Sirius Black, but also, FUCK! IT’S SIRIUS BLACK.
It was Sirius bloody Black, the boy who shone brighter than anyone Remus had ever known, the boy with iron eyes to match his iron will and golden heart. The boy who offered Remus chocolate and forced himself into his life without knowing a damn thing about him, then finding out the most horrific secret Remus had ever had and doing everything in his power to help. It was Sirius Black, the broken boy with the broken family, and somehow, light seemed to shimmer through his cracked façade and then he became the boy who felt every emotion to its extremes and refusing help from anyone because he felt like a burden, but he could never be a burden. Then he was the boy who broke Remus Lupins heart in 5th year, the boy Remus was learning to forgive, the boy Remus wished he could hold. Sirius fucking Black.
…
Remus was bombarded with 3 boys hands as he walked into his dorm.
‘Show me—us, your hands.’ Sirius said, his voice laced with irritation. Remus tried to pull his hands from Sirius and Peters grip, but they wouldn’t budge, their hands were warm against his cold ones.
Sirius’ eyebrows were pinched together, his hair fell into his face and he stroked Remus’ knuckles carefully, soft and light.
James appeared, pushing the two boys aside and inspecting the knuckles himself. Sirius let out a yell of protest, but James paid him no mind, only moving closer to Remus and holding his hands in his. Sirius turned his back and pretended to go through his records, he was a bad liar, and apparently bad at faking tasks, it was painfully obvious he was still paying attention.
‘You are an idiot, your knuckles are healed, did you go to the hospital wing?’ James said, his voice was hard and unwavering, his forehead creased, and his eyebrows furrowed underneath his glasses.
‘Lily healed them.’ Remus said, pulling back his hands; they disappeared into his sweater sleeves.
‘Of course.’ Sirius scoffed; it was becoming a habit of his whenever Remus was involved. Remus ignored him, ‘Everyone seems to be calling me an idiot, it’s quite rude.’
‘You deserve it when you act like an idiot.’ Peter said, a smirk crossed his lips. Remus feigned offence and took a large, dramatic step back and gasped, ‘Peter! How could you say such a thing, I thought we were best friends! Oh, how fast they betray you!’ He fell against the wall and let out a strangled, wolfish cry.
‘You’re such a wanker.’ James laughed; his forehead no longer creased, and his eyes crinkled, bright and happy.
Remus loved these boys, they were his family, his friends, his everything.
…
Remus laid in bed, he couldn’t sleep, he was painfully aware of Sirius Black, his breathing, the slightest shift of hands, legs, arms, feet, the sighs he let out because he too, couldn’t sleep. The dorm was still, and quiet, soft moonlight filtered through the openings of Remus’ curtains, he stared at the light that laid on his hand, the gentle, white light and he wished he could love the moon. He would have loved the moon just as he loved the stars if it hadn’t harboured such terrible times for him, he could have watched the moon rise and set without acid filling his throat, he could have loved the whole sky if it wasn’t for the moon. He could have done many things, he could have been normal, his mother may have not hated him, and his father may have still been alive but wishing on things you can never have is quite useless, Remus came to realize. He wished to have Sirius Black, and look where that got him, lying in bed, hating himself for loving the boy named after the stars.
…
It was a quiet afternoon; classes had been cancelled because it was the day before Halloween and Dumbledore loved Halloween. Every corner of the castle was decorated with cobwebs and fake spiders, the torches burned green and illuminated the halls, skeletons and ghouls hung from the ceilings and popped out to scare the shit out of the unfortunate souls who stumbled into them. Pumpkins were set anywhere and everywhere, their faces moving to change expressions, and overall, it was perfect.
The common rooms were decorated by the students, Gryffindor was bright and very Halloween esc; when you entered the common room, hags jumped out at you and screeched a very painful screech, there were pumpkins and confetti, webs and insects, the curtains had stayed closed and only orange torches brightened the room, giving it an eerie glow. The first years were terrified.
‘Bloody hell! Hogwarts really knows how to do Halloween don’t they?’ A small, dark haired first year girl said. Remus snorted; they hadn’t seen the feast yet.
‘Moonbeam, how are you this fine afternoon?’ Sirius said as he dropped next to Remus.
Remus hated that he loved every moment of attention he got from Sirius; it was pathetic.
‘Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic, and you?’
‘Lovely, would you like to know why?’ Sirius leaned in; his lips nearly pressed to Remus’ cheek.
‘I would, actually but I have a feeling I already know.’ Remus turned his head, his lips nearly brushing Sirius’, neither of them moved. Sirius’ eyes twinkled, literally fucking twinkled and Remus though he might faint. He drew further back and cleared his throat, ‘It’s Halloween tomorrow and it’s on a Saturday which means party time, big party time.’ Remus said.
‘Exactly! Oh, moonbeam, you know me too well.’ Sirius grinned and laid his head against Remus’ shoulder.
They had always been touchy and affectionate, even as kids, they would hug and kiss each other’s cheeks, sleep in the same bed when one of them had a nightmare or just wasn’t feeling good, but of course this was all friendly because they did it with Peter and James too, but Remus wished it meant something more.
‘Too bloody well is right, you ponce.’ Remus laughed.
‘Are you, uhm, bringing anyone to the party?’ Sirius said in a quiet voice, his fingers gently brushing over Remus’. Remus stared at the pale skin around Sirius’ knuckles, how the bones moved so elegantly under his skin and how his wrists were so lovely.
‘Re?’
‘Hm? Oh, no, probably just going to relax and if someone comes to me, or I see someone who interests me, I’ll see where the night leads.’
‘Right.’
‘Yeah. How about you?’
‘No. No one.’
‘Come on, Sirius Black not having a date? Impossible.’ Remus traced circles around Sirius wrists, his head still laid on Remus shoulder but now Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and pulled him just a little bit closer.
‘Nope, just me, need to give the ladies a break from all this beauty.’
‘Ah, a man who cares for others needs, how thoughtful.’
They both laughed, and Remus remembered just how lovely Sirius Black was.
…
POV SWITCH
‘That was bloody fantastic! Did you see Minnie’s face when the Pixies started plucking Hagrid’s beard! It was golden!’ Sirius laughed out, his breath coming short as he doubled over.
‘Dumbledore was smiling, I swear.’ Remus said, falling over from laughter alongside Sirius.
‘When the pixie yanked Bellatrix’s hair, I think I shit myself.’ James said, clutching his stomach as he wheezed, ‘I snorted pudding from my nose when they flew circles around that Ravenclaw, and she went cross-eyed!’ Peter snorted.
The marauders were on their way back to the dorm after the Halloween feast, which had been a raging success with their prank and terrorizing the students and staff of Hogwarts. Everyone was expecting pranks all day, but they kept themselves at bay, everyone was on edge wondering when the prank would happen, it was perfect. They bounded down the corridors in fits of laughter.
…
‘I just don’t get why he had to be there the whole time; he could have gotten ready here.’
‘Pads, it wasn’t the whole evening, it’s been like 2 hours.’
‘And who needs that much tine to—’
Sirius held his breath as Remus walked into the dorm. He had been with the girls, getting ready because he wanted his costume to be a surprise and he needed their area of expertise, he was gone all evening after the feast and Sirius was annoyed, of course he spent his time getting ready with the girls, why wouldn’t he want to be around girls. But then he walked in and Sirius was dazed.
Remus was dressed as David Bowie. His normally tawny hair was fiery red and combed back, his curls slicked but still visible in the back, he had the makeup to match and the outfit, Sirius had never seen something as hot and erotic as Remus, shirtless, wearing a bright red blazer and matching dress pants. His face was hot and burning and he couldn’t take his eyes off him, neither could Peter and James.
‘Alright lads?’ He grinned his bright fucking grin and Sirius nearly lost all his composure.
How could one man be so fine, so angelic and scorching hot like a goddamn devil, Sirius had no idea how he was going to make it through tonight being around Remus looking like how he did.
‘You look fucking hot, mate.’ James said, grinning in his costume. He was dressed as padfoot, he was wearing a thick, black, faux fur coat with no shirt, he had pointed ears and a shaggy tail; he had a collar that said Lily Evans Property. Sirius had cried when James showed him, it was just too funny.
‘Yeah mate, I’d snog you.’ Peter snorted, he was dressed as a sheep, he wore a fluffy white jacket and white shirt, he painted his nose pink and that was that.
‘You’re saying you wouldn’t snog me if I was dressed like Bowie?’ Remus said, a pout on his face.
‘No shit we would, what kind of question is that?’ James said.
‘Where are your scars?’ Peter asked. James told him to shut up and hit him in the chest, hard.
‘Well I was going to wear a shit but Lily insisted that I don’t and she—well she used make up and a glamour to cover them, it only lasts a few hours but I thought why not.’ Remus said, he looked down as if he was ashamed and Sirius wanted to reach out and touch him, touch his scars and tell him how beautiful he was with or without.
‘Well, with or without you’re bloody hot.’ Sirius said, he laughed but he truly meant it, and he hoped Remus knew that.
Remus laughed and his eyes landed on Sirius, Sirius was blatantly staring at his chest, no shame, no hiding. Remus looked Sirius up and down, staring. Sirius was dressed as a Rockstar too, no one specific, he was wearing his leather jacket, no shirt, with leather pants that left little to the imagination, and a bright red guitar hanging off his back, it was glossy and reflected in the light. His hair was down and free, curly and shining, his clunky boots covered in sparkles. They met each other’s gaze.
‘You look good Pads.’ Remus’ voice sounded odd, croaky sort of.
‘Yeah, yup, yo—you too mate.’ Sirius stuttered, he mentally scolded himself, fucking idiot, you sound like a teenage girl.
‘You wanted to know where I kept disappearing to? I was working on the outfit you prick.’ Remus smiled, Sirius smiled back, he was glad Remus was sneaking off to see someone, that would have been it for Sirius.
‘Alright, lets party lads.’ James said, all smiles and excitement.
Sirius and Remus kept glancing at each other.
…
The party was in full swing, ‘Good Vibrations’ by the Beach Boys was playing, the air was hot with mingled breaths and spilled drinks, and everyone was having a good fucking time.
Sirius was drifting, his eyelids were heavy and dry, his lips were chapped, and his heart was full.
‘I’M PICKIN’ UP GOOD VIBRATIONS, SHES GIVING ME THE EXITATIONS!’ All of Gryffindor tower sung, and they sung to their hearts content.
‘LILY EVANS I THINK YOU ARE FANTASTIC!’ Sirius heard James yelling from somewhere, but his mind was clouded, and he swayed in his spot, his looked across the party, he hadn’t seen Remus since he was standing on a table belting out David Bowies ‘Diamond Dogs’, his hair was no longer slicked back, but was falling forward and his skin was dusted pink and sheen, his chest gleamed with sweat and he sang.
Sirius saw him, he wanted to be near him, to dance with him and hold him and sing with him, but Remus was with Fabian Prewitt, a 7th year Ravenclaw. They were standing closer than was needed, Remus had his arm wrapped around Fabians waist and they swayed together, laughing and smoking. Sirius felt his heart crack just the slightest before he decided he was being stupid, they were friends he guessed, and friends talk and smoke and stand unusually close together, that was what he and Remus did, and the jealousy came back and bit him in the ass.
He began walking over, stumbling slightly, then he stopped, and his heart cracked in half, Remus was kissing him, he was kissing Fabian fucking Prewitt, they had their hands tangled in each other’s hair and were pulling each other closer and closer until their bodies were pressed together, and Sirius didn’t think. The music was loud in his ears, banging and echoing in his head and the air was suffocating him with smells of alcohol, weed and sweat.
‘What the fuck Remus!’ Sirius yelled, his fists were clenched tight and his body was vibrating with anger.
‘What?’ Remus said, he was smiling, and his cheeks were flushed, his voice was raspy and deep, and Sirius nearly forgot why he was there all together; until he spoke.
‘Sirius, would you mind leaving us alone for a few, we were kind of in the middle of something.’ Fabian winked and Sirius jumped at him. He punched him. Fabian stumbled backwards, bloody began dripping down his lips and he looked positively enraged. Sirius pulled his fist back and grabbed it, it fucking hurt.
‘What the fuck Padfoot!’ Remus yelled, and pushed Sirius back, his eyes were dark and filled with anger and something else. His lips were swollen, and Sirius couldn’t stop staring, he wanted it to be because of him, he wanted to run his hands through Remus hair, over his bare chest and arms, he wanted to touch him, not some fucking Ravenclaw. Sirius pushed Remus back, hoping to get him riled up, they were both drunk and angry and the tension was excruciatingly palpable.
‘Someone summoned me?’ James appeared, smiling with glossy red eyes.
‘What the fuck is wrong with you Sirius!’ Remus’ voice was loud and demanding and Sirius had never been so turned on. He grabbed Remus’ face in his hands and pulled him forward, their faces were millimeters apart and they both stared at each other, searching each other’s eyes for a sign. Remus kissed him. It was earth shattering and mind numbing, Sirius ran his hands through Remus’ curls, pulling slightly and Remus grazed his fingers over Sirius bare waist and gripped him tightly, their bodies were impossibly close, Sirius felt Remus’ chest against his own and he thought he was dreaming. They pulled apart and their breath mixed, they were breathing hard and smiling as though it was their wedding day.
‘You too?’ Remus said, resting his forehead against Sirius’.
‘Me too.’
‘FINALLY!’ Everyone screamed.