But I'm a Striker

Jackie sits in front of the mirror she’s put on the wall in her bedroom, taking her curlers out. “You get so dressed up for this kind of thing, is it worth it?” Laura Lee says, sitting on Jackie’s bed while Jackie gets ready. They do this ritual every time Jackie gets ready, and Jackie always tries not to feel awkward about it in the back of her head.

It’s all too reminiscent of Jackie and Shauna’s high school rituals, Shauna in Jackie’s room at the Taylor house watching Jackie do her makeup before bonfires and high school homecoming. Jackie got kind of pavloved into hating getting dolled up for things while alone and now begs Laura Lee to hang out with her while she gets ready now that they live together.

“I think it’s worth it,” Jackie shrugs, starting on her makeup with foundation powder, “I mean, I like getting dressed up”. Laura Lee nods, going back to reading on Jackie’s bed, some book about God that Jackie couldn’t look at for too long. Jackie didn’t grow up like Laura Lee did, the mention of God sometimes makes her spine crawl with shame the same way it did when she was a kid and her mom caught her pausing Color of Night on Rose’s tits.

Jackie keeps doing her makeup, next blush and some shimmery eyeshadow. “I mean, you wear makeup Laura Lee”, Jackie says. Laura Lee nods, “I do, but not like you do and not for parties”. Jackie rolls her eyes and says “well, I invite you to parties all the time”. Laura Lee smiles a little, “which is sweet of you, but I don’t think they’re for me”. Jackie shrugs, knowing that Laura Lee is right. Jackie finishes up her makeup with some mascara and lipstick and then sprays herself with perfume and messes with her hair in the mirror.

Jackie smiles, “okay, I look great now”. Laura Lee smiles a little, shrugging, “you always look beautiful because-” she starts and Jackie cuts her off, “because I’m beautiful in the eyes of our Lord, you always say that” Jackie sighs. “It’s always true,” Laura Lee nods, getting up from Jackie’s bed with her book and heading into the living room and kitchen area of their small apartment.

Jackie grabs her wallet and heads out of her room to the front door of the apartment, but she pauses by the door. “I’ll be back tonight, I’ll try not to wake you up”, Jackie says. Laura Lee nods, “it’s okay if you do”, she says as she continues reading her book. Jackie leaves then, walking to another on campus apartment where the party she’s been invited to is.

As Jackie walks, she falls into a common train of thought for her when she’s alone, ‘what if Shauna was here?’. Jackie then has to remind herself why exactly it is that Shauna isn’t with her and hasn’t been for a year and a half now, and why it’s pathetic that she even still thinks about her. Shauna surely doesn’t think of Jackie. It was just sudden, is all, and back home in Wiskayok she had to act like she didn’t care so things didn’t get even more embarrassing for her.

It was senior year, and while Jackie had been planning their shared dorm and dreaming of a future with Shauna, Shauna had apparently not wanted any of it. Shauna had left her diary on her desk and Jackie thought it was a notebook, but it wasn’t. It was everything Shauna had never said to Jackie written in handwriting Jackie could never not recognize. Apparently Shauna hated Jackie, and hated soccer, and had been sleeping with Jeff behind Jackie’s back. Jackie found out by accident, and it was cruel, but now that Jackie’s here at Rutgers anyway, she tries to tell herself that what happened is what was meant to happen.

Laura Lee ended up being Jackie’s roommate instead, admittedly a choice made out of desperation once Jackie realized she was stuck going to Rutgers without Shauna, but a choice that worked out. Jackie feels better when she comes back to the apartment they share, now even during their sophomore year and they moved out of the freshman dorm they shared, and Laura Lee has made dinner or written out bible verses to cheer Jackie up when she’s upset about something.

But even though Jackie thinks things were always supposed to be like this, that Laura Lee is a good roommate and friend for her, and that Jeff was never the one, it still hurts to think about. Jackie felt like she and Shauna were so close that she could practically feel Shauna under her skin sometimes, she felt like they were so close she barely even had to talk to Shauna for them to understand each other.

Jackie had clearly been very, very wrong. She didn’t know anything about Shauna. All the moments Jackie held dear, all the times Jackie felt blissfully happy to be hanging out with her best friend, Shauna had been hating her and wishing she wasn’t with Jackie. And Jeff, honestly, it felt like less of a betrayal but a betrayal still. Jackie had no illusion that she’d marry Jeff, he was her high school boyfriend and they’d probably break up once Jackie went to college, anyway. But none of that stung the hurt of Jackie knowing that she wasn’t good enough for her best friend or her boyfriend, that they both clearly secretly hated her and lied about it to her face.

It was worse when Jackie stopped talking to them both and then found out that Shauna and Jeff started dating. Laura Lee always told her that it was okay, that people are punished for betrayal, but Jackie didn’t always feel so sure. At least at Rutgers, thinking about Shauna and Jeff got further and further away and farther apart. But it’s nights like these, where Jackie’s mind would often drift.

Eventually Jackie arrives at the apartment and goes to the floor where she’s been told the party is. Once Jackie sees everyone gathered for the party, people start saying hi to her. The girl who invited her, Jane, from Jackie’s statistics class, greets Jackie right away. Jackie smiles when Jane comes up to her, “hey, Jane”. Jane smiles back, shoulder length brown hair in waves around her face, dark and round brown eyes staring into Jackie’s eyes.

“Hey, I’m glad you came! I didn’t know if you would!” Jane smiles. Jane gives Jackie a hug and when Jackie hugs back it feels like she’s melting a little. Jackie’s always loved hugs and physical affection, but it’s hard to find other people who like it as much as she does. Jackie always thought Shauna did, from all the nights they spent cuddled up in Shauna’s tiny twin sized bed during sleepovers, hugs after games and practice, clinging to each other at parties, the list goes on and on. But just like all the other things Jackie thought she knew about Shauna, Jackie suspects she was wrong for thinking that too.

Jackie smiles when she pulls back from clutching Jane’s flannel during their hug. “So, what is there for drinks?” Jackie asks. Jane leads Jackie over to a counter in the little kitchen of one of the apartments that people are in, and Jackie sees all kinds of alcohol and mixers. Jackie grabs a solo cup and goes for the punch but Jane laughs at her, “you trust the punch?”. Jackie shrugs, “sure, why not?”. Jane just shakes her head and doesn’t answer, and Jackie gets the punch anyway.

Jane grabs a beer, which surprises Jackie. Jackie must make a face, because after Jane opens the beer on the kitchen countertop, she smiles a little. “What?” she asks. “Nothing!” Jackie says, taking a drink of her own punch. “I’ve just- I mean, girls don’t usually drink beer when they have other options, right?” Jackie asks, feeling a little bit embarrassed and unable to place why. Jane shrugs, “I like beer”, she says before bringing the bottle to her mouth.

Jackie keeps sipping her drink, feeling kind of like her and Jane are in a weird staring contest until someone else approaches Jackie. This time it’s a girl from her freshman year dorm hall, Ramona, a girl Jackie never got along super well with but was good enough at mostly ignoring. “Hey, Jackie!” she says. Jackie blinks, taken aback, “yeah?” she asks.

“Um, I mean, I’m maybe not the person you should hear this from but I just figured you’d want to know, and I don’t- I mean I’d rather tell you myself than have someone else tell you… Thomas and I started dating…,” Ramona says. Jackie shrugs, “okay, cool”. Thomas was nothing but water under the bridge, a boyfriend she didn’t particularly care about and who she dumped two months ago after he got mad at her for not putting out. Ramona kind of stands there awkwardly, “you’re not upset?” she asks.

Jackie sighs, “no, I’m not. Have fun with him, I guess. We didn’t work out, but maybe you will. Actually, I hope you do, that’d be great for you guys”. Ramona doesn’t look like she fully believes Jackie, but she walks away. Jane makes a face, “that was weird” she says. “Ramona is always kind of weird” Jackie sighs, shrugging. Jackie really isn’t upset about Thomas dating Ramona, but it does bring up some sour feelings.

Jackie didn’t care about Thomas in the way she should’ve as his girlfriend, but of course she wishes she did. It comes back to Jeff, how even before she found out that he and Shauna were sleeping together behind her back, Jackie always knew he wasn’t the one for her. Jeff was never her soulmate, and neither was Thomas, or Travis, or any of the guys Jackie ever tried to sleep with or be with.

Jackie can never find it in herself to care about them the way she cares about her friends, or be attracted to them the way her friends always are with their boyfriends. It makes Jackie wonder if she’s incapable of romantic love, if friendships so strong have ruined her. Jackie’s always been ‘too much’ for some girls, too clingy or possessive or demanding of attention and closeness. But on the other hand, she’s never enough for her boyfriends.

She’s never cared about them enough, never really liked them or wanted their affection, never been as into sex as she should be. It’s a thought she tries to push away, she always tries to imagine that one day she won’t be this way in a relationship, but the more she tries and fails, the more obvious it seems that Jackie has a problem.

Jackie is distracted by her thoughts by Jane, suddenly closer to her. “What’s wrong?” she asks. Jackie shrugs, “oh, nothing, seriously” she takes a sip of her drink. Jackie looks across the room, somewhat awkward but trying to hide it, and spots a familiar face. “Hey, Natalie!” Jackie calls out, desperate for a distraction. Natalie turns her head and smiles a little when her eyes land on Jackie.

Nat walks over to Jackie, holding a drink in her hand, “what are you doing here?” she asks. Jackie shrugs, “I was invited, what, does that surprise you?” she jokes. Nat rolls her eyes, “I forgot who I’m talking to, didn’t I?”. Jackie smiles, thankful for the distraction, “how have things been for you?”. Nat rolls her eyes again, “they’ve been fine. How are you and Laura Lee?”. “We’re fine too,” Jackie says. “Really? I heard you broke up with Thomas,” Nat says.

Jackie sighs. She knows everyone thinks she should be upset about the whole breakup, and she is, but for all the wrong reasons. “Yeah, I did, but I mean, that was a while ago, so” Jackie shrugs. Jane pipes in, “we actually just heard from his new girlfriend”. Nat looks at Jane and smiles, “yeah?”. Nat looks back at Jackie, “you know Jane?”. Jackie shrugs, and suddenly feels like there’s something going on that she isn’t a part of, some secret or joke Nat and Jane are keeping her out of.

“Yeah? We have stats together, she invited me” Jackie says, taking a sip of her drink and pretending to be unbothered. Nat smiles at Jackie, “I just didn’t know”. Lottie comes up from seemingly nowhere, “Nat, come on” she mumbles and then Nat is being dragged away to do something other than awkwardly stand there with Jackie and Jane.

“What was that?” Jackie asks Jane. “I think Nat just didn’t really see us hanging out, I don’t know. We’re different people, aren’t we?” Jane says, taking a sip of beer, seeming nonchalant in a way Jackie wishes she could pull off. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say other than, “well, isn’t everybody? Different people, I mean, everyone is different”.

Jane kind of laughs and then nods, “yeah, you’re right, she just doesn’t think we’d get along because of that, I guess”. Jackie kind of scoffs, “I never get along with who everyone thinks, not for long”. Jackie’s mind goes to Shauna, how everyone else thought they’d be close forever like she did, that they were similar people when they weren’t.

Jackie drinks her punch for a minute while they stand in silence, before deciding she wants to break the ice. “Do you smoke?” she asks. Jane makes a face, confused, “cigarettes, you mean?”. Jackie nods. “Yeah, do you?” Jane asks, with a hint of a laugh like she expects the answer to be no. “Not all the time, but if you want to smoke, I’ll smoke with you. I do it all the time at parties with friends. I like talking outside.” Jackie says, smiling a little at the end, trying to be sweet and extend this awkward olive branch as compensation for Jane inviting Jackie and Jackie being decidedly not the life of the party.

Jane smiles and shakes her head a little, “you know, as well liked and pretty as you are, I didn’t expect you to be weird”. “I am not weird” Jackie replies, impassive, not showing if she’s offended or not on purpose. “I think it’s a little weird you want to watch me smoke” Jane laughs. Jackie shrugs, “I want you to have a good time, and you invited me”, like that explains anything.

Jane nods, “okay, let's go then” she says, starting to walk through the apartment they’re in. Jackie doesn’t know where she’s going, is following Jane but barely, until she sees the fire escape and rushes to reach the door first. Jane ends up coming out to the fire escape after Jackie, and she pulls out a pack and starts smoking.

“So, you wanted me alone?” Jane teases. Jackie knows it’s a joke, that Jane is being funny, but Jackie’s stomach drops a little. Would it be so horrible if she had? Jane has something about her that Jackie craves to be closer to, it reminds her of other friendships, of Shauna, wanting to get under her skin and live there.

In this lighting, while it’s dark out, Jackie can even admit that Jane kind of looks like Shauna in a vague way. Big brown eyes, shoulder length brown hair, and even the flannel she’s wearing. If you could have types for friends and not boys, Jackie would say she had one. Jane seems to notice Jackie isn’t laughing or saying anything in response, and she makes a face that Jackie can’t decipher.

Jackie feels pinned, caught out maye, like Jane knows something that Jackie doesn’t. Like maybe Jane knows something about Jackie. Before Jackie can do anything, Jane is pushing some of her hair behind her ear with the hand that isn’t holding her cigarette. Jackie’s had enough boys pull this move to know what happens next, but for some reason she doesn’t want to stop it.

That is, until someone opens the fire escape door and Jackie steps back and quickly turns to see who’s opened the door. It’s a girl that Jackie doesn’t recognize, but Van is behind her, and Jackie’s stomach drops again. Somehow, she imagines that Van of all people will know what Jackie was about to let happen, that she’ll see it in her face and now she knows something about Jackie too.

Shame crawls up Jackie’s spine, and panic too, and before Jackie knows it she’s walked into the apartment again without saying anything to anyone. Jackie almost decides to distract herself with more punch, or some shots, anything to get her to stop thinking about everything piling up in her brain, but she knows if she stays here Jane will find her. Jackie starts to leave the apartment and walk back to her own, suddenly urgent.

On the walk back to her apartment, Jackie feels sick. Too many thoughts are piling up in her head at once like film reels spread on top of each other. Jane’s face when she was about to kiss her, Jackie about to let it happen, Rose’s tits from Color of Night, Shauna and Jackie spooning in Shauna’s bed, that time Jackie caught Van and Tai kissing after practice (the way it made her stomach swoop), kissing girls in spin the bottle, all these memories piling up on top of each other.

Jackie tries to shake her head and get rid of them, but it isn’t working. She remembers being in her bedroom with Jeff, making up excuses to not have sex with him, faking it whenever he touched her, making up excuses to avoid anything sexual with him in general. It’s all coming back to her with the shame of high school, added salt to the wound in knowing Shauna gave Jeff things that Jackie never could, that she actually did let Jeff inside her when Jackie never would.

Jackie gets to her apartment on autopilot and ends up there faster than she thought she would. She prays, ironically, that Laura Lee is asleep and she doesn’t have to face her like this. She doesn’t think she can, doesn’t think she’d want to stare the most righteous person she knows in the eyes while she’s thinking about how wrong she is.

As one of life’s smaller mercies, when Jackie unlocks the apartment door, it seems like Laura Lee is asleep. She isn’t in the living room anymore but her book is, and Jackie finally takes the time to look at the title, ‘God in Your Life’. Jackie looks away and goes into her room, feeling guilty for some reason.

Jackie takes her makeup off with makeup wipes from her nightstand and then takes off the dress she’d put on for this party, a pastel blue dress that her mom had bought her over spring break her freshman year. Jackie changes into pajamas, trying not to think about what her mother would say if she’d seen Jackie on the fire escape tonight. What Laura Lee would say. What really anyone from Wiskayok would say, with the only exceptions being Tai and Van.

Tai is someone else that Jackie tries not to think about because Tai went to Brown with Shauna and, from her understanding, is pretty close with Shauna. Van is weird, she talks to Jackie and she isn’t dating Tai anymore but Jackie knows that they still talk and that sometimes Tai visits New Brunswick to see Van. So really, Van must know about both Shauna and Jackie’s lives now, even when Jackie knows nothing about Shauna’s life other than she went to Brown and started dating Jeff.

Jackie gets into bed, trying not to replay memories from high school and college in her head over and over again, all the moments that have made her think there’s something wrong with her. Jackie knows that Van and Tai are both gay, but partly because of them she also knows that she can’t be. She doesn’t act like them at all, or dress like them, and she just isn’t like them. They’d probably be insulted at the mere idea that Jackie could even consider that she could maybe be gay.

Jackie Taylor is well-liked, wears dresses everywhere, has had boyfriends (no matter how she felt about them), and has never even kissed a girl outside of spin the bottle in someone's basement. Jackie obviously can’t be gay. She’s so painfully normal, it’s one of the many insults that Shauna had wielded against her. Jackie Taylor is just “tragic, boring, and insecure” in Shauna’s words. Maybe Jackie wishes so desperately that there was anything special about her that she’s tricking herself into thinking she could be gay.

A few days go by, and Jackie continues trying desperately not to think about Jane or her sexuality, or Shauna. She fails most of the time. Laura Lee can tell something is up and has done what she usually does when Jackie is upset and won’t talk to her about it. Jackie gets home from class and finds Laura Lee’s small handwriting on a post-it note on her desk. It reads ‘John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you are to love one another’.

Jackie has gotten good at deciphering what Laura Lee is trying to tell her when she writes Bible verses for her, and this one seems pretty obvious. Laura Lee is trying to tell Jackie that she loves her, maybe that God loves her too. Jackie isn’t so sure about the latter, with the thoughts she’s been having lately, but she’s thankful that Laura Lee believes it, and thankful to have a roommate who tries to make her feel better and understood in the ways she thinks she can.

Times like these Jackie feels at war with herself. She does love being Laura Lee’s roommate, and they’ve grown very close since moving into their shitty dorm together freshman year, but Jackie always wonders how Laura Lee would feel about her if she knew the deeper secrets Jackie carries. That she would let a girl kiss her, and almost did, and that she used boys in the past, that she hasn’t had premarital sex in the intercourse sense, but that she’s gotten close enough. That Jackie really isn’t so perfect at all.

Times like this she always thinks of how things would’ve been if she and Shauna ended up living together the way she thought they would when she was in high school. Shauna would never do something like this. Jackie wonders if Shauna living with her would make this whole situation inside of her better or worse. Jackie’s thinking it would make it worse, to have Shauna across the hallway while Jackie’s starting to admit to herself that she wanted to kiss her about a million times in high school.

If it weren’t for Jane, Jackie’s pretty sure she could tell herself it was just Shauna. But maybe even if Jane didn’t try to kiss her, Jackie would be lying to herself by saying that. Jackie’s always had friendships like that, even before Shauna, in grade school she’d meet girls and want to be close to them more than anybody else. An almost obsessive feeling. Jackie always thought she was just a passionate person, but then she grew up and never felt a fraction of what she felt for a girl for any boy.

Jackie also did feel weird when she saw girls kiss in movies or in real life, but not the disgusted kind of weird that she wishes she felt. It would be so much easier if she was disgusted, instead of intrigued. When she was younger, any movie where girls kissed or she got to see tits immediately became a favorite and something she’d rewatch in secret until her stomach hurt, feeling guilty but also a little hot, flushed.

Jackie always tried to push this away too, and she was mostly successful for such a long time, but now it’s all rushing back but so much worse. It feels like Jackie has something under her skin, that she needs to figure herself out. And then the embarrassment and shame came washing over her, that she should’ve figured all of this stuff out before she was 20 and in college, that she’s wasted so much time not knowing who she is, and she still doesn’t really know.

Jackie gets a phone call after ruminating in her room for an hour or so with an Elena Ferrante book. She picks up the pink cord phone she has in her bedroom and answers it, expecting it to be Lottie inviting her to some party or something. “Hello? Jackie Taylor speaking” Jackie starts. She hears a kind of laugh on the other end of the line and she knows it isn’t. Jackie waits a beat and then the person on the other end just says, “Hey, Jackie, it’s Nat”.

“Oh! Uh, hi, Natalie” Jackie asks, probably sounding about as confused as she feels but trying to correct that. “Uh, I was wondering if you’d want to go to the video store with me today?” Nat asks. Jackie pauses, feels kind of like Nat is playing some joke on her that she doesn’t know about. Jackie and Nat do hang out, but usually not alone. Nat isn’t the closest friend of Jackie’s and this sudden invite makes Jackie’s recent onset of anxiety feel worse.

“Why? I mean, why me, I guess? Just me?” Jackie asks. Nat laughs a little, “Lottie can come, if that’s okay?”. “Yeah, that’s fine. Seriously, why are you asking me?” Jackie asks again. “I can’t just want to hang out? I saw you at that party and I was just thinking we should hang out, and I want to go to the video store, so…” Nat trails off. “Okay…” Jackie pauses, that actually makes sense she guesses, “yeah, I’ll go. What time? And Lottie will go too?”.

“Um, at 5, maybe? And yeah, I’ll tell Lottie. We’ll just get you at your apartment” Nat says. “Okay. Great. I’ll, uh, see you then” Jackie says, aiming for casualness. “See you,” Nat says before hanging up. Jackie sighs and lays back on her bed after putting her phone in its cradle on her nightstand. Jackie hears a soft knock at her bedroom door, and knows it’s Laura Lee even before she hears her voice on the other side. “Can I come in?” Laura Lee asks.

“Yeah” Jackie says while still laying back on her bed, “I’m going out to the video store with Lottie and Nat later”. Laura Lee nods, and flattens her skirt out as she sits on the edge of Jackie’s bed. “I know you’re upset about something” she says, looking at the floor rather than Jackie. “Laur, I’m fine, don’t worry about it” Jackie sighs. Laura Lee frowns, “of course I’m worried about it. You’re my friend, Jackie. Friends are meant to be there for each other, always. I want to help you”.

Jackie sighs again and sits up on her bed. She doesn’t know how to tell Laura Lee that the thoughts she’s having and the memories coming back, the reason she’s upset, make her question if Laura Lee would ever want to talk to her again, let alone be her close friend and roommate. She has no idea how to tell Laura Lee that she’d almost definitely make things worse, especially when Laura Lee’s main comfort tactic usually involves God in some way and Jackie is currently trying to avoid thinking of God at all right now.

“I know you want to help me, but I just- I really can’t talk about it right now. And hopefully… I can just deal with it and I’ll never have to… talk about it” Jackie says, determined to get Laura Lee to drop it without hurting her feelings. Laura Lee looks frustrated but just sighs quietly, and does a prayer on Jackie’s bed before getting up. “I pray that our Lord may give you the courage to confide in me, Jackie”, Laura Lee says before she rubs Jackie’s shoulder for a brief moment.

Jackie nods, “I hope so too” she whispers. Laura Lee turns and goes to her own room then, and Jackie feels somehow even guilter than she did before. Laura Lee is so kind and just wants to help, but Jackie’s afraid that Laura Lee’s help would be the opposite of what she wants. Jackie wishes desperately she never had to think about any of this. That Jane had never tried to kiss her.

But then, Jackie wonders if this all would’ve come up anyway at some point. She thinks maybe it’s best that it came up now, while she’s 20 and still in college and single, rather than when she’s graduated and maybe married to some guy, maybe even has kids with some guy. When Jackie’s skin crawls at the thought and she feels trapped just thinking about it, it only solidifies her belief that she’s inching closer to something important and true about herself, that she isn’t like the girl she pretends to be at all.

A few hours later, Jackie has touched up her hair and makeup to go out to the video store with Nat and Lottie, but she’s still anxious about the sudden and random invite. She waits in her room for Nat or Lottie to knock on her apartment door, and eventually someone does so she grabs her purse and heads to the front door.

Lottie is at the door when Jackie opens it, and she smiles. “Hey”, Lottie says, starting to walk towards Natalie’s car in the parking lot. “Hey! I’m glad you're coming, I’m still a little-” Jackie starts but Lottie cuts her off, “I’m excited, Nat’s been wanting to go to the video store for like a week and now we’re finally going”. Jackie nods as they get closer to the car, still confused as to why she’s been invited to come along to this.

Before Jackie can ask Lottie why she’s been invited, if Nat told Lottie anything, they’re at Nat’s car and Jackie is kind of awkwardly getting into the backseat while Lottie gets into the passenger seat. It reminds her of Shauna and her in a way, back in high school when Jackie got automatic shotgun any time Shauna drove with anyone else anywhere.

“Where is the used video store, I’ve, uh, never been” Jackie says, a little off balance. “It’s just like ten minutes away, don’t act like you’re being kidnapped” Nat says from the front seat. Jackie nods, “right, yeah, I’m not. I- I mean why did you invite me, though?”. Nat rolls her eyes, “because I’m nice?”. Jackie nods as Lottie nudges Nat in the arm, but the topic of discussion is decidedly dropped.

Nat starts playing music in the car, something Lottie obviously likes because she’s singing along. “Jackie, how’ve you been?” Lottie asks, turning around to look at Jackie. “I’ve been good! Uh, I broke up with Thomas, but I’m actually doing really well, so” Jackie smiles, not knowing what other big things she can tell Lottie about her life right now. She almost wants to blurt it out, ‘I think I might be gay’, but obviously would never do that. She just wonders what anyone would say, if they’d believe her, if they’d freak out. She almost wishes she could just ask someone, ‘do you think I’m gay? Am I gay?’.

Lottie nods, “I heard about that. You dumped him, right?”. Jackie nods back, “I did, yeah, he was just… I mean, he was nice, but we just, uh, didn’t want the same things”. Jackie knows her answer was cryptic, but it’s true, and the most that she can say without revealing too much or getting insecure. She doesn’t know why but she has some idea that if she says too much she’ll be caught red handed having not liked him.

Lottie nods, “I’ve been there” she shrugs. “When have you been there?” Nat asks, with a little eye roll. Lottie scoffs, “Natalie, you forget I’ve had boyfriends”. Nat rolls her eyes again, “yeah, not since high school”. Jackie laughs a little and Lottie turns around in her seat, “hey! Jackie!” she says, mock offended.

Jackie shrugs, still smiling, “what? You haven’t had any college boyfriends that I’ve heard about”. Lottie rolls her eyes, “you have only had the one!”. Jackie smiles, “okay, but that’s one more than you”. Nat pipes in from the front, “I’m not sure Lottie is in the market for college boyfriends anymore, anyway” she says. Jackie falters at that, wondering what Nat means by that. But Jackie can’t say anything, because now Nat is pulling into a parking spot at the video store.

Nat and Lottie get out of the car without a word, and Jackie follows, getting out of the car and heading into the video store behind them. Jackie looks around once she’s inside, wondering what exactly Nat came in for, if it’s anything specific. Jackie isn’t a huge movie watcher now that she’s in college and doesn’t just watch tapes her parents have around.

Nat immediately goes over to the corner of the store with the Horror movies and documentaries, leaving Lottie and Jackie behind, even though she’s the one who invited Jackie. Jackie feels out of place now, figures she won’t buy anything but can look around at random movies without bothering to look at the genre. Lottie seems to be in the same boat, as she walks around with Jackie and points out different movies to her. “This looks good”, Lottie says, holding up a movie that Jackie can tell from the cover she’d probably never pick out herself. So Jackie just shrugs, “yeah, it looks okay”.

Lottie sighs, and then picks up another movie from this same section. When Jackie looks up, this section actually doesn’t have a displayed genre like the other sections for horror, romance, comedy, whatever. Jackie assumes this section must just be miscellaneous, maybe the unpopular movies. The second movie Lottie’s picked up looks more like something Jackie would maybe watch. It has a picture of a blonde girl on it in a cheer uniform, and the words ‘but I’m a cheerleader’ above her. “Sure, this looks okay, what’s it about?” Jackie asks, grabbing the tape.

Lottie shrugs, “I dunno, cheerleaders, just get it to get something”. Jackie guesses that’s a fine enough reason, and before she can protest too much Nat is walking over with a couple of tapes. “I’m ready to go,” Nat says, smiling a little. “That’s what you’re getting?” Nat says when she looks at the movie Jackie is now holding. Jackie shrugs, “yeah? Why?”. “I hope you like it,” Nat says, smiling. She’s always weirdly cryptic towards Jackie, especially lately, and it kind of drives Jackie up the wall.

They go to the checkout counter and Jackie decides to rent the movie instead of buying it, mostly because that’s what Nat does with her tapes, and it’s a bit cheaper even if Jackie is kind of worried about forgetting to turn it in. Lottie and Nat keep looking at Jackie kind of weirdly while she checks out, and it’s kind of freaking her out, but she wonders if it’s all in her head anyway.

They get back in Nat’s car to take Jackie back to her apartment, and Jackie still feels like this was an errand she didn’t need to be around for. “Did you get everything you wanted?” Jackie asks from the backseat, trying awkwardly to start a conversation. Nat nods, “yeah, did you?”. Jackie shrugs, “I mean, I wasn’t really looking for anything, so… but, maybe this movie will be good I guess”. Lottie nods, “it is good, I mean, I’ve seen it before”.

Nat looks like she’s trying to hold back a laugh, and Jackie feels like she’s being made fun of. “Okay” she says, desperate for the car ride to be over. Lottie turns the music up, and the rest of the car ride is quiet until they arrive at Jackie’s apartment. “Thanks for coming with me, Jackie” Nat says as Jackie gets out and Jackie nods, “uh, yeah, no problem”. “See you later, watch that movie” Lottie says, waving from the car window. Jackie smiles and waves back before heading back up to her apartment and unlocking the front door.

When Jackie gets inside she’s greeted by silence. Laura Lee must be out with one of her friends, now, or in her room. “Laura Lee?” Jackie calls out, and there’s no answer. As Jackie heads further into the apartment she notices a note on the refrigerator door, ‘Studying with Samantha in the library. Will be home later!’ with Laura Lee’s signature at the bottom. Jackie sighs, a little disappointed that now she’s all alone.

Jackie decides this is just the perfect opportunity to watch her new movie to take her mind off of everything. Jackie puts the VHS tape into their TV’s VHS player and starts the movie up before going and sitting on the couch. The intro of the movie starts, and it’s all a bunch of shots of cheerleader girls’ bodies doing flips and poses, and Jackie tries not to focus too much on their bodies because clearly the point of the shots is the cheerleading. But then Jackie isn’t so sure, when just a few minutes later the main character is making out with her boyfriend and still thinking of those girls. Jackie flushes, looks around the room as if she’ll get caught relating even though she’s alone in her living room.

The scene of the main character with her boyfriend in itself makes Jackie’s stomach turn. He’s gross, with his tongue out and the way he touches her, but Jackie feels distinctly like she’s been there before. She remembers that kind of thing all too well, thinking of anything else while Jeff or Thomas kissed her, making up the excuses about needing to get home or get ready just to get out of letting him touch her.

As the movie goes on, it becomes glaringly obvious to Jackie within just a few minutes that this is a gay movie. It makes her feel even more flustered, the fact that Lottie has apparently seen this movie and that she’d recommend it to Jackie. She feels embarrassed and ashamed that apparently her friends do already think she’s gay, even when she hasn’t quite figured out how to admit or deal with it. She still tries to deny it, is still trying to now, but with her friends knowing or thinking that about her it makes it a lot harder.

Jackie wants to turn the movie off now. She knows that she can, and maybe that she should, but another part of her is a little interested even if she isn’t quite sure how the movie is going. She gets through Megan’s prayer with her parents, and it’s a strange thing that she feels so guilty during it even though she comes from the kind of family that only ever went to church during holidays.

Laura Lee was the first person she met who went to church every Sunday, and the scene kind of reminds her of Laura Lee, which makes her hope that Laura Lee comes home much after this movie is done. She hadn’t been as worried about Laura Lee coming home during the movie before she knew it was a gay movie, now she’s listening for any sign of Laura Lee approaching outside, planning on somehow getting rid of the evidence of her watching this movie before she can get all the way into the apartment.

Jackie’s paranoia only hightens during the scene of the movie where Megan’s friends and family tell her that they all think she’s a lesbian. It scares Jackie, makes her stomach drop. With Lottie and Nat apparently suspicious enough to get her to buy this movie, for some reason the intervention Megan’s getting in the movie feels like something that could happen to her, even if she knows that’s irrational and untrue.

Even if Jackie’s friends did do this sort of thing, surely it wouldn’t be going the way it goes for Megan, where she gets sent to gay rehab or whatever. Jackie has lesbian friends, for God’s sake. Tai and Van have been out since college started, and even if Jackie hasn’t heard them say it, she does know Nat and Lottie both like girls to some capacity. Jackie’s real problem is that it’s her going through this, when she’s meant to be perfect in a way those friends have never been expected to. And the larger problem, that Jackie is pretty sure that she doesn’t like guys at all.

Jackie kind of does think this movie is meant for someone like her, because she sees a lot of herself in Megan, even if Jackie was never a cheerleader. She’s supposed to be a perfect all American girl just like Megan, and that of course includes being straight and liking boys, not being a lesbian.

Jackie always thought she was normal, that everyone was pretending to like guys, until she realized that apparently all the other girls were being serious. She feels a lot like Megan, not knowing it’s not natural to feel how she feels. She wonders if Megan will be cured, if maybe Jackie could fix this in some way somehow. But part of Jackie resists the thought anyway, just wishes she didn’t have to deal with this at all. What’s so horrible about Jackie liking girls, she’s always wanted to be close to them, it’s always been where she’s felt happiest.

Of course, the movie also makes her think of Shauna. She wonders if they towed the line a little more than she thought they did, if anyone or everyone else saw how needy she was for Shauna. Jackie feels embarrassed at the thought, wishes someone had told her that she loved Shauna and Shauna clearly didn’t love her. Jackie thinks of Shauna’s diary again and is thankful Shauna didn’t say it there, that in all her cruelty, she didn’t bring up Jackie being possibly gay. Part of her thinks that because Shauna didn’t, she really can’t be gay. Shauna would’ve known. But, then again, maybe Shauna really never knew Jackie just like Jackie never knew her.

When everyone in the movie goes around and says their name and something about them… and that they’re a homosexual, it makes Jackie wonder what she’d say. ‘I’m Jackie Taylor, I play soccer-’ or, ‘I’m Jackie Taylor, I’m a marketing major-’ or ‘I’m Jackie Taylor, I’m somewhat popular-’. The end part trips Jackie up, even if she thinks it, she can’t exactly say it the way they do in the movie, just like Megan.

Then comes the part that punches Jackie in the stomach, where they ask Megan if she’s ever had sex with her boyfriend, and she says no. Just like Jackie. ‘It’s really easy to be a prude when you’re not attracted to him, isn’t it?’ echoes in Jackie’s head for a few seconds. It was never easy to be a prude, Jackie will give herself that. She never wanted to have sex with Jeff, but it was hard to say no when he so clearly wanted it. But Jackie would never give him that because she didn’t want it. She didn’t want to have sex with Jeff, or Thomas, or any other guy.

It makes Jackie think though, that even though it felt hard to always say no, it was easier for her than saying yes. It was always easier than letting him do it because Jackie really, really didn’t want that. And Jeff didn’t make her hot, which is the next thing they ask Megan. Jeff never did make her feel that way, but she thought you weren’t even meant to. Good girls were prudes anyway, Jackie was always just a good girl who tried to stay that way.

But girls did make Jackie feel hot and make her stomach swoop, from Shauna to Jane and girls in between them, she knew what they meant when they talked about feeling hot. But once again, Jackie figured everyone did that. Everyone looked at girls. Except, maybe the movie was right, that most other girls weren’t thinking what Jackie was when she looked. Jackie feels exposed and embarrassed, even though she’s all alone. This all feels like too much, too personal, too soon.

When Megan says she’s a homosexual, all Jackie thinks is that she’d never get that far. She’d never say it out loud. Maybe one day, but not right now, even if she’s starting to think about it. ‘I’m Jackie Taylor, I play soccer, and-’. But Jackie gets stuck on the ‘and I’m-’ every time she even tries to think it.

When they start doing activities for their gender, Jackie’s nose scrunches up a little. Jackie’s already good at these kinds of things because of her mom, but like most girls her age, she knows it’s not all a woman is fit for. She’s played soccer for most of her life, which isn’t boyish but it certainly isn’t all pink and frilly and girlishly girly. It isn’t cheerleading. Jackie knows she’s probably too feminine to be a lesbian, that most girls would laugh if she said she was, but that doesn’t make her some helpless housewife and mother. She’s never wanted that for herself, even if mother has always tried to groom her to be that way.

Jackie knows it’s a stupid thing to focus on considering what Megan is going through in the movie, that they’re trying to cure her of gayness in general, but it’s what makes Jackie realize she doesn’t think she’d ever want anyone else too cure her if it meant giving up really anything about herself or what she likes. She can figure this out on her own.

When they’re all looking for roots in the movie, Jackie genuinely can’t think of anything from her childhood other than sneak watching Color of Night to see tits and girls kissing. And besides, that was a choice that Jackie had made because she already liked seeing that kind of thing, it already made her stomach feel weird, so it couldn’t be her root.

When Graham says that it’s bullshit and there isn’t any way to fix it anyway, Jackie wonders if that’s true. It kind of does feel true, Jackie doesn’t think she’s ever done any of this on purpose or with any thought. It feels too late for her to change this, especially when it’s something she feels like she’s just now realizing at 20. How could she know nothing about herself?

Watching the scenes of the characters going to a gay bar makes Jackie wonder if a place like that would exist in New Jersey, or near her. Somewhere where she could see people who are gay, to not have to worry about being judged. She could dance with a girl, let a girl kiss her. And at a gay bar, there wouldn’t be anyone coming out onto the fire escape to interrupt and scare her out of it like when Jane tried to kiss her outside of that party.

It’s a scary thought after she has it, that she’d want to go to a place like that, that she thinks she’d belong there. In admitting that she’d belong there she is admitting that she’s a lesbian to herself, and it feels petrifying for a few seconds. It feels like she can’t breathe. Jackie tries to tune back into the movie and let it distract her, even though she keeps comparing herself to Megan.

When they’re pretending to be straight and getting to the final step, Jackie feels kind of sick to her stomach. When she thinks of her life, she doesn’t want this kind of thing to be the rest of it. Forever Jackie wanted to be with some guy to be perfect for everyone else, but now that she’s thinking about it, she doesn’t want that for herself at all. She doesn’t want to have sex with some guy, she never has. She doesn’t want to be some guy's wife either. She just wants to be herself, and she wishes it was okay with the world and God and everyone if she were.

Megan ends up leaving the program without being cured or fixed, which makes Jackie’s heart drop a little. She’s glad Megan gets to leave. She just feels like now she knows she’d probably never be able to be cured of this either. This is what she wants. All those close friendships with girls her whole life, where she wanted them to be different and deeper in some way, all the times she’s wanted a girl to kiss her, they’ve all come to this moment.

When Jackie hears Megan get told that there isn’t any specific way to be a lesbian, Jackie feels a little better about herself. She does feel like she’d be a bad lesbian, that everyone would laugh at her if she ever tried to call herself that. She’s feminine and she’s also had boyfriends, even if it was always unsuccessful. She feels insecure, but maybe there isn’t a way to be a lesbian, maybe she can just be herself. Megan is a lesbian, afterall, and she’s a lot like Jackie.

The end of the movie is satisfying to Jackie, it’s maybe a little corny but it’s sweet, and Jackie always loves a movie with a happy ending where the characters end up happy together. She feels almost better about herself now that it’s over and she’s seen that there are ways for her to be happy, options for her to do what she wants with her life.

But her shame and fear aren’t completely shaken. She still thinks about her friend’s and family’s reactions. She thinks some of her friends wouldn’t really care, but she’s almost sure Laura Lee would want her to pray it away. Laura Lee being her roommate has never had any drawbacks until now. She also knows her parents wouldn’t be happy with her at all. They’ve wanted a perfect daughter forever, and Jackie knows this isn’t part of being perfect.

Jackie takes the tape out of the TV, finally letting out a sigh of relief because Laura Lee didn’t come home at any time during the movie. Jackie takes the tape and puts it into her desk drawer in her bedroom when she goes in there. She lays on her bed, trying not to think too hard about everything, but she can’t seem to stop her mind.

Later in the week, Jackie’s still caught halfway between acceptance and shame. She has to return the video of course, but now she really doesn’t want to. Everyone who sees that movie and knows anything about it will know what Jackie is. That’s as far as Jackie’s gotten in the past few days, that she can finally admit to herself that she is a lesbian, even if maybe she isn’t the most stereotypical one. But admitting to herself is easier than admitting it to anyone else. Saying out loud would make it so much more true in Jackie’s mind, something she couldn’t take back.

Jackie’s been avoiding most of her friends for a few days, somehow even avoiding Lottie and Van at soccer practice. Well, right up until Jackie is getting ready to leave the locker room after getting dressed and Lottie catches her. “Wait, Jackie-” Lottie says, grabbing Jackie’s shoulder. Jackie turns, sighing, “yeah?”. Lottie smiles, “how’ve you been? You haven’t been hanging around as much”.

Jackie shrugs, “I’ve been… fine”. Jackie smiles. Lottie nods, “Are you sure?”. Jackie nods, “yeah, I’m fine! I mean, just busy with class and stuff”. Lottie makes a face like she doesn’t quite believe her, but she’s letting Jackie get away with lying. “Well, there’s a party tonight at Hannah Arlo’s apartment, and I think it’d be fun if you came. Most of the team is” Lottie says. Jackie nods, “I probably will! When are you guys heading over there?”.

“I think like 9? 10? I can pick you up if you want” Lottie offers. Jackie nods, “uh, sure, that sounds fun”. Jackie smiles, trying to be sincerely excited about the night but honestly feeling a little nervous. How is it going to be going to a party and knowing what she now knows about herself? It seems like something small, going to a party, but what if a guy hits on her? Jackie’s always been a little awkward about that internally, now she knows why, but she was good at knowing how to play it. Will she have lost that skill by admitting, even just to herself, that she’s a lesbian?

That night, Jackie gets ready the way she always does. Laura Lee sits on her bed while she does her makeup, and Jackie tries not to feel guilty. How would Laura Lee act if she found out? She tries to be rational, she knows Laura Lee is close with Van, and Van is pretty out. Honestly, Laura Lee is way closer to Van than Jackie is, which feels weird now that Jackie is thinking of how upset Laura Lee may be with her if she found out Jackie was a lesbian.

Jackie does her makeup as usual and dresses up in a little floral dress as usual, and then Laura Lee goes to her room when they hear Lottie honking her horn outside. Jackie hurries and grabs her handbag, and rushes outside to get into Lottie’s car. Lottie smiles when Jackie gets into the passenger seat, “hey”. Jackie smiles back, still feeling awkward about going to the party.

“Hey, chill out” Lottie says and Jackie kind of startles at that, because she thought she’d been faking calm pretty well. “What?” Jackie asks. Lottie rolls her eyes and starts to drive, “I mean, I can tell when you’re nervous, I’ve seen you on game days. So chill out”. Jackie nods and looks out the window, sort of embarrassed now that she’s being called out. “I’m fine” Jackie mutters, and Jackie’s pretty sure she hears Lottie scoff at her.

The drive is only a couple minutes long, so before Jackie can say anything else they’re at the apartment complex on campus where this part is. Lottie gets out of the car and waits for Jackie to get out, and when Jackie does they wordlessly walk up some stairs to the apartment where the part is, Hannah Arol’s apartment, where Jackie and Lottie have both been before. They step into the apartment and immediately go towards the kitchen for drinks.

Once Lottie and Jackie have matching solo cups, the ice finally seems to break a little. “Hey, um, I’m sorry for being a little weird lately,” Jackie says. Lottie smiles and tilts her head a little, taking a sip of her drink, “it’s fine. But does it have anything to do with the, uh, video store trip? The movie?”. Jackie flushes a little, embarrassed and caught out, and she shrugs. “I can’t believe you wanted me to watch that” Jackie mumbles as they head into the living room where more people are and stand in a corner where they won’t be heard or bothered much.

“What? I didn’t hear that” Lottie asks, but her tone makes it seem like maybe she did. “I just- I mean… why did you, uh, want me to watch that, like, were you trying to… say something?” Jackie stumbles out. Lottie makes a face, like she’s confused as to why Jackie is asking. “Take it how you want it” Lottie says, which is too cryptic for Jackie’s liking, but also an obvious ‘yes’.

Jackie takes a few sips from her solo cup, “well, uh, it was… interesting… enlightening maybe”. Jackie won’t look Lottie in the eyes and won’t speak loudly either, it may actually be a little hard to hear her now. Lottie smiles a little at this, “enlightening?”. Jackie shrugs, still looking at the carpet instead of at Lottie. “I mean you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I mean, I hoped it’d be ‘enlightening’ for you” Lottie says.

Jackie huffs a little, “I just- I mean how embarrassing is that?” Jackie asks, voice low, still looking at the carpet. “Hm?” Lottie asks. Jackie finally looks at her, “I mean, what, you and Nat think that I’m-” Jackie can’t bring herself to say the word out loud, “and you had to help me figure that out?”. Lottie makes a face, “I mean, to help you. I want to help you Jackie. We wanted to help you. Not in a mean way”.

“I guess, but it’s- you guys all thought something about me and I- It’s just embarrassing to me” Jackie huffs. Lottie opens her mouth to say something, but before she can finish it, she sees Jane in the living room, standing and talking to some girl behind Lottie. Jackie’s face must be obvious, because Lottie looks over her shoulder and looks around for a second. Lottie walks back into the kitchen then to refill her drink and Jackie is left alone in the corner watching Jane.

Jackie’s never really been in this position before, watching from the sidelines and feeling all these feelings of jealousy and invisibility. It reminds her of what Shauna said to her, that she lived in Jackie’s shadow. Maybe Shauna felt like this a lot, watching from afar unnoticed. But Jackie always noticed Shauna, even when she was talking to anyone else, she always wished she was talking to Shauna. Tonight, in a weird way, she misses her.

Jackie decides she won’t be on the sidelines for much longer, and once the girl Jane is talking to stops talking for a second, Jackie goes over to them. “Hey, Jane”, she smiles. Jane looks taken aback, and kind of just stands there with her mouth open for a second before finally smiling.
“Jackie! Hey! I didn’t- I haven’t seen you in class for a few days”, Jane says. The girl Jane was talking to slinks away and Jackie stands closer to Jane.

“Oh,” Jackie flushes a little because she hasn’t expected Jane to notice that she’d skipped class or sat in the back a few times out of pure embarrassment and shame, “I uh- I got sick, so… but I’m better now!” Jackie lies, and it’s a little awkward but maybe just sweet enough to be endearing because Jane laughs a little.

“Oh, well, I’m glad you’re better, then” Jane smiles. Jackie smiles back and takes a sip from her solo cup. “Thanks, I, uh-”, Jackie falters. She wants to bring up when they almost kissed but can’t find the words. There’s so many people in the living room, and even if they aren’t listening it seems scary to say anything about them kissing around any of them. Jackie doesn’t know what she’d say anyway, just that she wants to talk about it.

Jane makes a face and lifts her eyebrows, as if to ask ‘what do you want to say?’. “I just- I’m… sorry about that party we went to earlier this month- I-” Jackie stumbles, and Jane cuts her off, “it’s fine, seriously, that’s my bad”. Jackie shakes her head, “no! I mean, you didn’t do anything, and it’s not- I mean I didn’t- Just- Van came out and-”. Jane laughs a little, “oh? So It was because of Van coming outside?” she asks.

Jackie nods, “I guess, I mean, I know her, and- I’m just- I’m figuring stuff out, I guess”. Jane nods, “that’s… good, I’m glad you’re figuring stuff out, and I’d love to know when you’re finished and everything is figured out, and I can… help you if you need it”. Jackie nods and takes a sip from her cup, flushing and embarrassed at the thought. “I think I’m mostly… figured out” Jackie says, half believing it.

“Do you wanna go for a smoke?” Jane asks. Jackie nods, knowing exactly where this is going and trying to be fine with it anyways. Jackie’s heart is literally racing, anxiety and anticipation pumping through her body and sweat prickling at the palms of her hands as she follows Jane out to the back door.

Once Jackie and Jane are out on the fire escape and Jackie looks around to make sure nobody else is out there, she stands by the railing and watches as Jane pulls a cigarette out of the pack in her pocket and lights it. Watching her smoke, Jackie’s stomach flips and she wonders when Jane will do something, anything really.

It doesn’t take long for Jane to smile at Jackie, and then, after she puts her cigarette out, she’s pushing some of Jackie’s hair behind her ear. “You’re mostly figured out, yeah?” She asks softly. Jackie nods, heart racing as she listens to make sure they’re still alone outside while still looking at Jane. Jane smiles a little and then she’s leaning in, and this time, Jackie lets it happen. She lets Jane kiss her, and the second their lips touch, it feels like something has clicked into place.

It feels better than any kiss she’s had with any guy in her life, more natural and real. She doesn’t feel like she has to ignore any aspect of it, she can enjoy everything about Jane, including the way she smells and tastes and her hands on Jackie’s shoulders. Jackie sighs, putting her hands on Jane’s sides.

It doesn’t last as long as Jackie wishes it did, though, the sound of someone trying to open the door snaps them out of it and once Jane and Jackie pull away, someone is coming outside onto the fire escape. Jane puts a hand on Jackie’s back, turning her to face the railing so whoever is out here now can’t see Jackie’s face and Jackie can’t see them.

Jackie feels embarrassed now, that such a short kiss had gotten her a little worked up, and that now there’s someone else ruining the moment. She feels awkward and speechless. After a few minutes of just looking over the railing of the fire escape at campus, whoever was outside with Jackie and Jane goes back inside. “That was nice,” Jackie says quietly. “Yeah?” Jane asks.

Jackie nods, “uh, yeah, you should… call me or something”. Jane smiles a little, nodding, “okay”. Jackie clears her throat and heads back inside then, because clearly the fire escape isn’t the best place to be with Jane. Before Jackie closes the back door though, she turns back to Jane, “I’m serious, um, call me”.

Jackie doesn’t remember much after that, she knows that she does shots at some point and ends up super drunk, because the next morning she wakes up in her bed with a note from Laura Lee on her desk that reads ‘I’m at the library, I’ll be back with bagels. Lottie brought you home early this morning and we put you in your bed :) I hope you sleep well and are awake when I get back’. Jackie sighs, feeling like shit because she’s hungover and also because she’s guilty.

Firstly, she should’ve been better to Jane after they actually kissed, and she also still feels bad about keeping all of this a secret. Jackie gets up and changes into something comfortable, some sleep shorts and a t-shirt, and then washed her face and brushes her teeth in the bathroom. Jackie takes an aspirin in the kitchen with a glass of water and then heads back into her bedroom.

Jackie had been planning on going back to sleep, but she hears Laura Lee opening the front door and sits up in bed. Laura Lee walks into Jackie’s bedroom with a bag from their favorite on campus bagel place, as promised in her note. Laura Lee smiles when she sees Jackie is awake, “you’re up! And I brought bagels!”.

Jackie smiles back and nods, “thank you”. Laura Lee sits on Jackie’s bed, taking her shoes off and then opening the bagel bag, handing Jackie her bagel. Jackie already knows that Laura Lee got her favorite bagel for her, and she unwraps it from its foil and starts to eat it. “Sorry I got wasted last night, you know I don’t normally do that”, Jackie says between bites. Laura Lee has started eating her own bagel, and she nods at Jackie. “I know, you normally don’t, are you okay? I mean, I told you I’ve been kind of worried because you’ve been… you just don’t seem like you’re in a good mood, or feeling good, I guess” Laura Lee says.

Jackie nods, “I know, um, I- I’m sorry”. Suddenly the guilt from the previous night starts rushing in, and Jackie feels herself getting teary eyed as everything hits her. “Jackie”, Laura Lee says softly, “seriously, what’s wrong?”. Jackie pauses, “I can’t tell you”, she whispers. Laura Lee shakes her head and puts a hand on Jackie’s back, “Jackie, whatever it is, you know that you can”.

Jackie doesn’t think she can. But she also doesn’t think she can get out of this. She takes a deep breath, “Laura Lee, I can’t- Please, I just- You can’t be upset with me”. Laura Lee makes a confused face, “I don’t think I will be, Jackie”, she says as she rubs Jackie’s back gently. Jackie is silent for a while, the bagels on their laps forgotten about. Finally, Jackie takes a deep breath and decides she has to tell Laura Lee eventually, apparently everyone thinks it and Lottie basically knows it now.

“I’m- well,” Jackie’s never said this part out loud and she isn’t sure how it will sound coming out of her mouth, “I’m- I’m a lesbian” Jackie finishes, looking at the floor instead of at Laura Lee. There’s a beat and then Laura Lee’s voice comes out soft, “oh… well, of course I’m not upset, Jackie”. Jackie finally looks at Laura Lee and sees how sincere her face is. “Really?” Jackie asks, voice wobbling as she wipes some tears off of her face.

“Jackie, of course not” Laura Lee says, comforting, “Why would I be mad? You’re one of my best friends, and I love being your roommate. Nothing would change that. I love you. You know Van is one of my best friends, why would I feel any different about you being a lesbian?”. Jackie shrugs, shaking her head, “I don’t know, I just thought- I don’t know” she sniffles.

“Jackie, you’re fine” Laura Lee rubs her back. “It’s fine, you know that, right? It’s okay? And you have a lot of friends who will be so understanding and kind to you. And anyone who isn’t kind to you, isn’t a person you should be waiting time with anyway. You can only pray they’ll grow to be kind to others,” Laura Lee smiles. Jackie nods, crying again, overwhelmed by the sweetness Laura Lee is offering her especially after how scared she’d been of Laura Lee finding out.

The next day, Jackie asks Lottie and Van to stick around after soccer practice so she can officially tell them that she’s a lesbian. Van and Lottie and Jackie are the only ones left on the field after practice and Jackie gathers them up and takes a deep breath. “What is it, Taylor?” Van asks, clearly a little bored and in a rush to get going. “I just wanted to tell you guys, because you’re my friends, and like- I want people to know- not everyone, just some people, just like, you guys and a few other friends, like Lottie can tell Nat, because it’s important and I finally got around to this or whatever-” Jackie rambles, and Van cuts her off.

“Jackie, come on-” but then Lottie is interjecting, shushing Van. “Shhh, stop, this is important” Lottie says. “I mean you know as much as I do right, so how do you-” Van starts and Lottie cuts her off, “actually I know a little bit more than-”, Lottie starts. Jackie feels overwhelmed with their mild bickering and cuts both of them off, “I’m a lesbian” she says, kind of loudly, but she looks around and nobody else is within earshot.

They fall silent at that for a second but then Lottie speaks up, “oh! I’m really glad you told us that, I’m really glad you got to figure that out”, she smiles. Jackie smiles back, and then she looks at Van. Van is the scary one for her, because Van has been out as a lesbian since high school and is nothing like Jackie.

“I’m glad you told us, too, Jackie. I kind of thought that already, but” Van shrugs. Lottie hits her on the shoulder and Van shrugs again, “oh my god, what! Jackie and Shauna were totally gay in high school!”. Jackie is a little taken aback by this, “what?”. Lottie and Van look at her, both seeming a little confused. “I mean, now that you’re out and know you’re a lesbian, you can admit that you two were… pretty codependent and kind of… gay seeming” Lottie says.

“Yeah, I mean, I just- I didn’t think anyone else thought that, I barely thought it” Jackie says, a little quiet. Then it’s silent for a second until Van speaks up again, “if it makes you feel better, everyone knew Taissa and I were fucking”. Jackie rolls her eyes, but in a weird way it does make her feel a little better that she wasn’t the only one that people thought that about. Anf with Jackie, she’d dated Jeff for all of high school, so probably most people didn’t think anything of her and Shauna.

Jackie still tries not to think of Shauna in relation to her lesbianism after that, because it makes the wound of them not being friends anymore even deeper. Maybe Jackie had been in love with her in high school, she did want to kiss her sometimes and she did want to be closer to Shauna than anyone else, and, yes, their friendship was different than any other friendship Jackie has ever had in some unspoken way. But none of this matters now.

She hasn’t spoken to Shauna in almost two years, since senior year when she read Shauna’s diary and they had their final fight afterwards. So it doesn’t even matter now if Jackie was in love with Shauna. Shauna certainly wasn’t in love with her. So it doesn’t matter at all and Jackie needs to just forget all about Shauna. Except now it’s almost harder once she realizes she didn’t just lose a friend.

Laura Lee, oddly enough, is the one that makes Jackie confront all of this head-on. They’re in the living room watching TV together when Laura Lee brings it up. “You know, do you think that you being a lesbian had anything to do with your… falling out with Shauna?” Laura Lee asks. “I- I mean I think it did have something to do with our friendship, maybe” Jackie shrugs. Laura Lee nods, “have you ever thought of calling her? It’d be easy. You know, I have her number”. “What? No. I don’t want to call her. Why do you have her number?” Jackie asks. “Well, Van and Taissa still date on and off sometimes, and Taissa and Shauna are close you know.” Laura Lee responds.

Jackie sighs, “I don’t want to call her because she’s a bitch. She slept with my boyfriend and lied about it and didn’t even like being friends with me but pretended that she did and blamed me for making her play soccer, which she apparently also hated, even though I didn’t make her do anything. She always could’ve said no. I just liked doing things with her. And she didn’t like doing things with me”. Laura Lee nods, “I wouldn’t call her that”, she winces, “but I do understand your point”.

There’s silence but then Laura Lee turns to look at Jackie, “but… have you ever thought that maybe things aren’t so cut and dry?”. Jackie scoffs, “you’re the one who said she’d be punished for betraying me”. Laura Lee nods, “yes, I did. But I think… Maybe not being friends with you has been punishment enough. You know, Shauna told Van that she misses you when Van went to visit Tai”.

Jackie feels her body go hot, a mix of anger and excitement and maybe a million other things rushing through her. “She did?” Jackie asks. “That’s what Van said,” Laura Lee shrugs. “I’m not saying you have to, but I think… forgiveness is a virtue, and it’s good to forgive those who trespass against us. And, like I said, maybe it isn’t so black and white. Maybe she does miss you. Maybe she hurts, too. I just think it’s worth considering calling her” Laura Lee says.

Jackie nods, taking a breath. She doesn’t know what to say. She wants to protest, to say that Laura Lee doesn’t get it because she didn’t read what Shauna wrote. That she wasn’t the one who was betrayed by her best friend since childhood. She didn’t have her trust broken like that. Jackie felt like maybe she’d die after she read Shauna’s diary. That life didn’t even matter anymore. But she kept going because she had to. And now she feels better, but she isn’t eager to talk to Shauna ever again.

Though, Jackie can’t deny that she still thinks of Shauna all the time. It’s like a wound that never heals, a missing limb the way she misses Shauna. She still thinks of Shauna all the time, and maybe this is something that Shauna should know about her. She was Jackie’s best friend forever, she probably would’ve known first if they’d stayed friends. But Jackie still doesn’t really want to talk to her.

The next morning, there’s a phone number on a sticky note on Jackie’s desk and she knows that it’s Shauna’s. She almost throws it away and then doesn’t. She doesn’t even know what she’d say. Could she just call Shauna up and say, ‘This is Jackie Taylor, I’m still a striker, and I’m a lesbian’ and hang up? Of course not. But what else could she possibly say? ‘You hate me and you fucked my boyfriend, but I guess you miss me and I miss you too’?. And of course, a part of her feels like if she tells Shauna, Shauna will have something cruel to say.

‘Oh, you’ve found a way to make yourself interesting, huh?’ or ‘if you’re a lesbian, why did you even care that I slept with Jeff?’. That kind of thing. The entire betrayal with Jeff and Shauna had always been more about being betrayed by Shauna than being betrayed by Jeff, she hardly thinks of or misses him at all, but it doesn’t make Jackie not a lesbian to be mad she got cheated on, even if she wasn’t in love with him. It almost makes it worse to Jackie, she was literally a lesbian and still didn’t cheat on Jeff, even if that was more because she hadn’t figured it out than it was about loyalty to him.

So, Jackie doesn’t plan on calling at all and she goes about her day as normal. But all day she can’t help but think that even if Shauna did say something mean, would it really matter? She has a life outside of Shauna now, and if Shauna was mean, it would just solidify the fact that she’ll never talk to Shauna again. And considering Shauna is best friends with Tai, who’s a lesbian, maybe she wouldn’t be mean about this after all because there would probably be backlash.

When Jackie gets back to the apartment after class and sees that Laura Lee isn’t home, she thinks maybe it’s the perfect time to call. She tries to remind herself that whatever happens, she still has friends here at Rutgers. She still knows who she is without Shauna, has gotten used to a life without Shauna for the last year and a half, even if she misses her. Maybe after this phone call, she’ll never yearn for Shauna in her life again and this can be a clean break.

Jackie doesn’t know really anything about Shauna’s schedule anymore, so she half expects there to be no answer when she calls. Jackie goes into her room and gets the sticky note off of her desk. She sits down on her bed and starts to dial the number into the phone she keeps in her room, half hoping Shauna answers and half hoping that she doesn’t.

After four rings of Jackie’s heart racing, someone finally answers. “Hello, Shauna Shipman speaking” the voice on the other end says, a voice that is of course undeniably Shauna’s. Jackie doesn’t say anything for a second, because she feels frozen. What if Shauna hangs up the second she says her name? “Hello?” Shauna says again, and Jackie realizes she has to say something before Shauna hangs up without even knowing it’s her in the first place.

“Hi! This is-” Jackie starts, but Shauna cuts her off, “Jackie…?”. Jackie pauses, “yes, Jackie Taylor” she says. Shauna scoffs a little, “of course I know it’s Jackie Taylor, I don’t know any other Jackies”. “Oh” Jackie says, because she doesn’t know what else to say, and she winces at how awkward this conversation is. “You finally called,” Shauna says. “What?” Jackie asks, starting to get upset already.

“I told Van to get my number to you months ago, I thought she just didn’t or that you didn’t want to call” Shauna explains, sounding a little embarrassed. Jackie is taken aback at this, feels weird knowing that Shauna wanted her to call and she didn’t know. “Oh. I didn’t know that.” Jackie says.

“So Van didn’t give it to you?” Shauna asks. “Uh, she gave it to Laura Lee, and Laura Lee gave it to me recently” Jackie says, clearing her throat, “but I actually called to tell you something”. “What? To fuck off? Did you finally come up with something to say to me other than a quote from Beaches?” Shauna asks, clearly joking but it isn’t funny even a little.

“That’s not funny” Jackie says, embarrassed like a high schooler again at the reminder that she loved and cared about Shauna so much that she couldn’t even truly insult her at the time, when Shauna was so cruel to her in comparison. Jackie goes to hang up but Shauna starts backtracking, “you’re right, I’m sorry, I never know what to say”. Jackie rolls her eyes, “you do, it’s just always fucking mean” she says, wincing at the sound of her own voice.

“But I didn’t even call about that” Jackie tries to recover. “Okay, so why did you call? Not to catch up or fight, so?” Shauna asks. Jackie takes a breath and has to remind herself that after this call ends Shauna still isn’t in Jackie’s life so it doesn’t matter what Shauna says next. “I’m a lesbian. I came out to some close friends. Laura Lee said I should call you” Jackie says.

There’s a silence, and Jackie considers hanging up again. “Oh… that’s- why did Laura Lee want you to call me?” Shauna asks. Jackie considers just playing dumb and saying she doesn’t know why, but decides to go a different angle. “Are you still dating Jeff?” Jackie asks. “Uh- I’m- No, no I’m not” Shauna says, clearly caught off guard.

“Great. So maybe you’re ready to hear that I was more upset about you betraying me than Jeff” Jackie says, fighting tears of embarrassment of letting Shauna know that, the hurt of everything coming back and making her want to just hang up and forget about all of this. “Oh” Shauna says. There's silence and then, “really?” Shauna asks. Jackie sighs, “yes, really, Shauna, you were my best friend since childhood and he was just my highschool boyfriend. And I'm a lesbian, so obviously… it wasn’t gonna work out with Jeff”.

“I just- I mean, I don’t know what to say” Shauna says. “You don’t have to say anything. I don’t really know why I called you. I don’t know what I thought would happen. Actually, I thought you’d be a bitch about me being a lesbian, so I’m glad you weren’t. Or you haven’t been yet” Jackie says, and there’s another pause before Shauna speaks up again. “Well, I wouldn’t be mean about that. I’m glad you know yourself. I’m bisexual. I’m pretty out here at school” Shauna says.

“Oh” Jackie says, quietly, “Nobody told me that”. Shauna laughs a little, “yeah, I guess I don’t know why they would… but it’s true, so… I mean there’s a lot about my life you don’t know anymore”. Jackie sighs, “yeah, that’s true. You don’t know about my life either anymore”. It hurts that they aren’t close, but Jackie needs to remind Shauna that Shauna also doesn’t know Jackie. Shauna apparently liked to think she was the only one of them that had any individuality, which was never true. Sure, Jackie wanted to conform and struggled with trying to be perfect, but she also has always been her own person.

“Yeah? What’s been going on with you?” Shauna asks, sounding maybe a little sarcastic. “Well, I mean, I’m a marketing major but I’m minoring in interior design, and I’m still a striker on Rutgers’ soccer team and stuff, but I mean, I live with Laura Lee and I have other friends you don’t know and just generally, I don’t think you ever knew me, maybe” Jackie says with a sigh.

“I never knew you?” Shauna asks, sounding hurt now. “I thought you did, but… I think you just saw me how you wanted to. Not how I was. Not how I am. I am smart and I am interesting. I am a person of my own even if I like things that are popular” Jackie says. She’d never said that out loud, that she is a person of her own with her own wants and dreams, an individual despite what Shauna wrote about her. Jackie did see herself as boring for a long time, before and after reading Shauna’s diary.

It took the past year and a half of Laura Lee’s encouragement and meeting other friends who were from outside of Wiskayok to be able to see herself, but saying it to Shauna solidifies it. Jackie isn’t boring or tragic, she’s her own person even if she has things in common with other girls. She finally feels that way when she says it out loud to Shauna and doesn’t care what Shauna says.

“... I guess… maybe you’re right” Shauna says. “What?” Jackie asks. “Don’t make me say it again,” Shauna says, laughing a little. Jackie can’t help but smile, “I didn’t expect you to be so easy, maybe I’ve made you up in my head since… since then, too”. Jackie doesn’t have to say ‘since our fight’ or ‘since we stopped talking’ for it to be obvious what she’s talking about.

“What’d you make up? That I’m a bitch?” Shauna asks, and she’s joking but Jackie’s breath kind of catches because that’s kind of exactly what she made up. Shauna laughs then, “Oh, so I’m right?”. Jackie takes a breath, doesn’t exactly want to broach the topic at all, “can you blame me?”, she asks quietly. She knows Shauna can and did when Jackie first read the diary, she remembers their fight all too well.

Shauna is quiet for a second and then says, “I guess not. But you know, life just doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, it’s- I didn’t plan on hurting you but that’s what ended up happening”. Jackie kind of rolls her eyes, “sure you didn’t plan it but you still chose to do it”. “I know, but it's not that simple,” Shauna insists. Jackie sighs, “I just wish you could actually be sorry”.

There’s silence and Jackie almost hangs up for the millionth time. “You know, I am. I wish I hadn’t done it. But I didn’t do it because I’m mean. I didn’t mean to hurt you” Shauna says. Jackie feels the hurt piling up in her throat, “how didn’t you mean to hurt me?”, she asks. “I just- I mean, in high school, maybe it wasn’t true, but to me it’s like you were perfect and-” Shauna starts but Jackie cuts her off, “oh, I know what you fucking thought about me in high school”.

Maybe it’s mean of Jackie, but maybe Jackie deserves to be mean to Shauna even if it’s petty that she still feels this way years later. The ache of Shauna has never really gone away, even if Jackie likes to pretend she’s mostly over it. Shauna pauses after Jackie’s quip but then keeps going like it never happened, “I wanted to have something, I guess, like something you didn’t, and I also wanted to be close to you, I don’t know, Van and I tried to talk it out once and that was the best we came up with and I know it’s not great but it’s the best explanation I have for you” Shauna says.

Jackie doesn’t know what to say. Shauna is right, it isn’t good. It doesn’t fix anything. But Jackie doesn’t want to keep talking about it, and she doesn’t want to fight about it, so she just says what she’s wanted to say for a while now. “I miss you” Jackie says, voice quiet as if she can lessen the blow. Laura Lee said Shauna said she missed Jackie, but what if that wasn’t true? How could Shauna miss Jackie after what she wrote?

“I miss you” Shauna replies, voice louder than Jackie’s was. Jackie doesn’t know what to say, half wants to ask ‘if you miss me then why did you say you hated me?’. But Jackie doesn’t say that, she just says, “really? You miss me, Jackie Taylor, or do you miss-”, Shauna comes in to cut Jackie off before she can finish, “I miss Jackie fucking Taylor, okay?”.

“I just- I mean… In the diary, you said-” Jackie winces even as she brings it up and can’t bring herself to finish her sentence. “I know. But… Jackie I was in high school and angry, and I didn’t think anyone would ever read it… It was dramatic, it wasn’t for anyone else to read and it wasn’t always completely true… I just- Listen… I’ve grown up a little since then, or I like to think I have, and I know you never did anything to me. High school was… whatever, and it felt like I was doing things I didn’t want to sometimes and it was easy to blame you but-” Shauna starts.

Jackie cuts her off because she feels like she has to make one clarification here, “I did things I didn’t want to, either. I was just as untrue to myself as you were. Probably more”. Shauna seems to allow this, maybe because now that she knows Jackie is a lesbian it’s easier to believe, but Jackie always felt like she had to be perfect in a way she wasn’t. A lot of things from high school were genuine, but a lot of things were curated too. Jackie wasn’t exactly free as a bird even if Shauna thought she was.

“I know that now, but then, it wasn’t as easy to think about any of this logically, okay? It was easy to blame you so I did blame you and maybe I shouldn’t have but I did, and I can’t undo that. All I can say is I don’t anymore. And I wish I never did. There’s a lot of things I wish I never did” Shauna says. Jackie sighs, “thanks”. It’s the best she could hope for from Shauna, and it does make her feel better. But she also thinks there are some wounds that will never heal and maybe this is one of them.

Laura Lee comes home and Jackie hears her open the front door. “I’m glad that I called. I want to talk to you more. When’s a good time to call?” Jackie asks. “I get out of class at 2 pm every Tuesday, just like today, so uh… same time next week?” Shauna replies. “Same time next week. Laura Lee just got home, so, uh, call you later?” Jackie asks. “Yeah! Call me later, you have my number, now. Uh, keep it” Shauna answers. Jackie smiles a little, “okay, that sounds good. I’ll call. Answer me, please? I gotta go”. “I’ll answer,” Shauna says before hanging up.

Jackie kind of hates the way it feels to be so awkward with someone that used to be everything to her, but she guesses that it’s better than not talking to Shauna at all like before. The phone call made her think of things differently. Maybe she did understand Shauna a little, how she felt like she was in Jackie’s shadow and that kind of thing, things that Jackie heard from Shauna during their fight but didn’t exactly believe. Like Shauna said, it was easy to blame Jackie so she did.

It doesn’t make things a whole lot easier, but maybe weekly phone calls can bring them closer. Jackie feels stupid for being hopeful. Maybe Shauna will never answer another call of hers again. But she wants to at least try and see where things go. Jackie’s glad she called to hear Shauna’s reasoning and hear her admit it wasn’t fair at least. Jackie’s glad she got to tell her that she is an interesting person of her own, even if high school Shauna didn’t see that.

Most of all she was glad to hear Shauna’s voice for the first time in a year and a half. She wants to get to know Shauna again, hoping that Shauna actually feels like sharing herself with Jackie instead of letting Jackie infer things that may not be true and never correcting her. She wants Shauna to know just how much Jackie cares about her if they become friends again.

But, even if they don’t, Jackie Taylor now knows herself, or at least a big part of herself. Jackie Taylor finally figured out that she is a lesbian. Jackie is a lesbian despite having had boyfriends, and despite being feminine, and despite being a seemingly typical popular girl in high school, and despite all the excuses she ever made up to pretend that she couldn’t be a lesbian.