in which there is a violation of contract
On the other side of the city, Atsushi and Akutagawa were walking down the street towards their apartment building; nearly hand in hand- not yet, almost. Their arms or hand would occasionally brush, making one timidly move their hand away in case the other felt uncomfortable at the mere touch. It wasn’t very cold, for an October night, in fact, almost hot, though neither of them could confirm if it was actually because of the weather or because of their close, unbearably tense, proximity.
The walk up home was no better, the cramped staircase making both men, like they usually did when coming back from class together, having to walk either side to side, almost glued, or one behind the other (usually, Ryuunosuke walked behind Atsushi; what with having a cane, but also having eyes, and Atsushi a nice ass.)
Arriving at his flat, Atsushi lazily dropped his belongings on his kitchen counter, trading it for a glass of water that he also offered to Akutagawa, as well as a shower if he needed it. The older man, still feeling the discomfort of the Russian man’s party, agreed as enthusiastically as he could to a good, long shower to wash off a panic attack and the sight of Chuuya and Fyodor entering the same bedroom that he had just remembered. He’ll probably criticize Chuuya really hard later, but he didn’t really want to think about it right now. Taking advantage of Atsushi’s surprisingly easy to manoeuver shower, Akutagawa took his sweet time cleaning his embarrassment off. In the meantime, Atsushi stood awkwardly, still reminiscing of their conversation : he would have to ask Akutagawa, eventually. One day. If he wants this to go anywhere. Was it even relevant? Was it too personal? Would he hate him for asking? Would every morning they’d see each other in the hallway be awkward forever because he’d have messed up by asking something which, essentially, wasn’t in any way his business?
He paced around the room like an awkward idiot, as if this wasn’t literally his own room that he paid rent for.
“So…” Atsushi prompted as Akutagawa came out of the bathroom , “Rough night, huh?
-I’m almost disappointed to not be drunk.”
Silence.
“Chuuya and Fyodor?
-Partly why I’d want to be drunk, I don’t even want to think about what this was.”
Atsushi looked at Akutagawa, he looked awkward, tired, uncomfortable.
“Do you need anything?”
Akutagawa looked up at Atsushi, confused; “not particularly, no… I don’t know…”
He looked away, “I don’t know where to start.
-You don’t have to.
-I want to.”
“I don’t know how to talk to you, Atsushi.
-Would you rather I asked questions? And you just tell me if I’m overstepping?
-That’s…actually not a bad idea.”
Atsushi finished brewing some tea, settling it on the table where Akutagawa sat.
“Did something happen…with Dazai?”
Akutagawa breathed in, focused on his tea cup, “I mean, yeah. Kind of?” he paused.
“Gin and I are orphans, we were thrown into foster families over and over as kids; they took pity on me because I was sick and let me move with my sibling…” he laughed half-heartedly, “And we got to Dazai’s house.
-He was your foster brother?
-Yeah, and his siblings were too little at the time so we basically only interacted with him. He was sort of a broody teenager in the first few months. And then he basically got worse.”
Dazai has siblings?
“His father, Mori, was less and less there and one day I just caught Dazai an absolute wreck in his room. I mean, I knew he was already depressed and all that but man, this was not pretty.”
Atsushi gulped, he listened attentively. “Then he changed?”
“I guess it was kind of a long time coming, he already was indifferent to us, or at least to me, but at that point I think something was set loose and he became just a full blown bully.”
“I was a sick kid, and Mori a doctor, so he would help me sometimes ; Dazai didn’t like that, he’d always flip his shit and just force me to “act healthy” or whatever. In retrospective, it makes sense that he’d do that, but I thought he just wanted his father to himself. He drove me and Gin out of the house, locked us out sometimes. So we’d just stay in the cold. At the time we also met Chuuya, so we’d hang out at his place, but his home conditions were really not favorable either.”
“But sometimes, Dazai would be… almost nice? Like he cared…? And then, you know, he started drinking, and you know how it gets : all affectionate, telling us that he was an asshole to us for our sake, all that… but also regularly threatening to kill himself in front of us.”
Atsushi silently gasped, he wasn’t exactly surprised, just… he was lost.
“He was such an asshole, especially to me, but sometimes it felt like he was… proud? Or something, I don’t know. Point is, he was horrible during our stay in. Which lasted two years, by the way.”
“I wanted to be a good brother, and I think he would have wanted that too if it weren’t for everything… but that doesn’t change how much of a prick he was. You have no idea how much of an asshole he was…. Well.
-So you stayed two years until you were adults? Why was he still there?
-No, I was 15, Gin 13 when we left. Turns out we later found out there were… allegations being thrown at Mori, and he couldn’t keep any of his foster children.
-Allegations?”
Akutagawa took a sip of his tea, still unable to look at Atsushi.
“Please tell me you won’t tell what I told you to Dazai, as much as I resent him, it is very personal, and I don’t think he’d talk about it to anyone who wasn’t there at the time.
-I mean. If you need to?”
Atsushi felt awkward asking for more details, he knew he was overstepping Dazai’s boundaries by learning secrets about him, but his curiosity took over, this wouldn’t change anything. He’d make up his mind on his own, with both sides, he thought.
“Mori was reportedly… coercing children.”
Atsushi’s breath hitched.
“As far as I’m concerned, he didn’t do anything to Dazai, and he didn’t actually get any reprimands for it - mostly because he’s rich and influential.”
“But Dazai had… well- he told us drunk, so I don’t know how much truth there is to it but- well he also got sexually assaulted as a child. And then he saw Mori.
-What?” Atsushi’s mouth hung open.
“I think that’s when he started getting worse. I mean, witnessing first-hand your dad doing this kind of thing in his situation? I probably would’ve gone insane.”
Akutagawa’s face stayed still, unmoving but careful while Atsushi was on the verge of tears. The man in front of him seemed unfazed, but he could hear an exhaustion in his voice. It was a lot.
“We left, stayed friends with Chuuya, who apparently had to deal with way worse than Gin and I since Dazai also lost his best friend in the meantime : Chuuya stayed. And so did we.”
“I don’t think I’ve…forgiven Dazai, even in his circumstances. What he went through was hell but… well, I’m conflicted about him. I try to just stay away as much as I can, I’m mad at him, obviously, but…well.”
Atsushi listened attentively, staring at Akutagawa’s now exhausted face, trying to come up with something - anything to say.
“I… Ryuu that’s…
-A lot, I’m sorry.
-And so… that night…” Atsushi felt stupid, asking this after all that, but he wanted to go through with this.
“I guess, well… Dazai was a horrible person when we were young, I wouldn’t mind calling it abusive, even. But I was young, and I tried to make him proud, and be there, and it never worked. And now, I’m seeing Chuuya stay for him despite all the shit that he had to face, and I’m seeing him having friends who care, and I’m seeing him actually open up to you, sending you a message, apologizing to you… I guess- it’s stupid- I guess I just felt bad that he’d make an effort for you and not for me when I needed it. It’s stupid when I say it-
-It’s not, but… well it’s normal to feel like that, actually.
-So him texting you that night pissed me off I guess… I mean he never apologized to me or Gin or Chuuya, but you… He cares about you so much, why?”
Atsushi furrowed his brow. “You’re mad because he’s making an effort?
-I’m mad because he’s making it for someone he’s known for a year give or take and who doesn’t know anything about him. No offense.”
Atsushi held his head in his hands, processing everything he’d just heard.
“Say something, Atsushi. I didn’t mean it like that.
-No, it’s just… well… he’s such a dick.
-That’s an understatement.
-But…”
Atsushi fought against the tears that were forming in his eyes, instead turning to anger, “He’s such a fucking prick! You have every right to be mad!
-Atsushi-
-I didn’t even know he had siblings! Why can’t he just talk? Communicate his feelings?
-He’s been having a tough time, I guess. That’s why I tend to avoid him. At this point for me, he’s more trouble than he’s worth.”
Atsushi was pissed, conflicted, annoyed : everything mixed up and boiling inside of his head, a bundle of opposite emotions just crashing against each other like waves, mad, mad, mad because his best friend had been going through a lot for a long time and never told him, and instead sending him suicide threats every month or so when Atsushi was more than willing to just be there for him. He didn’t need to know everything, but now he did, and he hated every single second of it. He wanted to be there for Dazai, but he also was mad he didn’t tell him anything, but Dazai didn’t owe him that, except he pretty much fucking did owe him a lot the first, and second, and third time Atsushi talked him out of a suicide attempt and he said he would, he would make an effort to change, to be better, because he loved Atsushi so much, but not enough to let him love and care for him. Everything, every single worrying, weird, dangerous thing Dazai had done in Atsushi’s presence came back to his head, adding more and more to the ever growing pile of unsolved and secret issues that was Dazai.
“I think I’m going to go to bed.” Atsushi said, calmly.
“Are you okay?
-I’m… he sighed, I don’t know what I am right now. Tired, I think.
-I’m really sorry.
-It’s not your fault, it’s…” Atsushi trailed off, seeing Akutagawa now clearly distraught, either by realizing everything he’d said, or possibly thinking Atsushi was mad at him. Of course he wasn’t. He reached for Akutagawa’s hand, which was cold, holding it to his forehead. “It’s fine. We’re fine. Thank you for telling me.
-I’m sorry I got mad about this.
-You have more than every right.
-Is there anything I can do?
-No it’s…just don’t go away like you did. I like having you here.”
A pause.
“Would you stay the night ?”
Akutagawa looked up, meeting Atsushi’s eyes.
“If that’s of any help…
-It is. I might need some time alone later but… let’s just sleep it off. I don’t want you to leave and then we go back to that awkward tension.
-You don’t have to do damage control, Atsushi.
-Considering everything, I might have to, actually. Let’s just go to bed. Please.” He kissed Akutagawa’s hand once again, then put the now empty teacups into the sink before leading the older man to his bed. They lied there, uncertain of how close they were allowed to be.
“I’m here” Akutagawa whispered, “I also think you might need some time, Atsushi, but I’m here. As a friend, if you need to.”
Atsushi sighed, draping his arm around the other man with a is this okay? Then turned the light off. “Thank you.” He kissed Akutagawa’s temple before closing his eyes, trying to sleep : unsuccessfully. Everything flooded back to his head whenever he would open his eyes and see Akutagawa. He was tired, tired of seeing everyone he loved in so much pain. He was tired, tired, tired.