you’ve been through so much

sheena

“Let’s say, theoretically, ikaw yung tao na may gusto sa akin and I like you back. What then?” tanong ni bebe.

HUY, wag naman tayo ganito mag-construct ng mga theoretical questions, mababaliw ako dito.

“Wdym ‘what then?’” I said, trying to stay as unaffected as I can.

“If I told you I liked you back. Ay wait, sige itodo na natin” she looked like she’s reconstructing her question.

Ang cute cute naman ni bebe pag ang seryoso niyang nag-iisip. Her eyebrows are brought together, eyes as circular as they could be, and her lips pouting.

“What if I told you I love you after you’ve confessed to me but you knew my situation and that we can’t really be together for a while. What then?”

Grabe naman ang intensity ng tanungan, parang di 6 AM ah. Pero kidding aside, napa-isip din naman ako dahil sa tanong na iyon. I don’t really know how to answer that.

I looked into her eyes. She looked like she’s waiting for a specific answer. The thing is, di ko alam ang gusto niyang sagot ko. She looked hopeful pero anong ibig sabihin nun?

We were staring at each other’s faces when her phone suddenly rang.

Phew, saved by the bell?

“Heyo Jho” she answered.

PERO BAKIT SAVED BY ATE JHO AT BAKIT TINATAWAGAN NIYA SI BEBE THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING?

“Ah ok, sige. Bababa na”

HOY SHEENA MAE, BAKA NAKAKALIMUTAN MONG NASA IISANG GIRL GROUP KAYO ANO? NANDIYAN NA SIGURO SILA SA BABA KAYA TUMAWAG. Maging thankful ka nalang na nawala na yung pressure na sagutin mo yung tanong.

“Baba na raw tayo, malapit na raw sila sa may parking” sabi ni bebe.

“Ok ok” I said as I tried to calm myself down at tumayo na.

“Also, leave your dirty clothes dito. Magpapa-laundry na rin naman ako mamaya, sabay ko nalang” she said with a smile.

I answered with a nod and thanked her for it. It’s one less thing na magpapataba at magpapabigat ng bag ko.

I double-checked if I got everything na bago ako pumunta sa may pintuan para magsuot ng sapatos.

Once we got out, mukhang nakalimutan niya na yung tanong niya kanina pero di pa rin ako maka-isip ng sagot.

The entire ride to the company, I was thinking of an answer. Ang lalim naman pala ng mga iniisip ni bebe.

Haaaayyy bebe, ang dami na nga nating iniisip tas mas marami pa palang nagsisigawan sa utak mo.

~~~

After ng company meeting namin for our concert realignment, meron kaming break. Which happens rarely these days kaya we rest talaga.

Lumapit naman ako kay bebe na naka-upo sa may lapag ng practice room namin. Kailangan ko na kasi ng energy eh.

“Heyo bebe” she softly greeted me with a smile.

“Charge lang ako please” sabi ko habang sinisiksik mukha ko sa leeg niya.

Lumapit din ako sa kanya to give her a side hug. Mukhang alam niya naman na galawan ko at linapit niya na rin katawan niya sa akin para mayakap niya ako pabalik.

“Kumusta ka?” she whispered.

“Ok lang naman. How about you?”

“Ok pa, meeting pa lang naman eh. May training at live pa tayo ngayon” sagot niya. 

Natandaan ko tuloy na hindi pa siya nakakaprac ng buong choreo namin, “yung choreo pala, gusto mo mag-isang run tayo?” tinanong ko.

“After mo mag-charge and only if it’s ok with you” sinubukan niyang tumingin sa akin pero mas lalo kong sinksik sarili ko sa kanya.

She’s always so considerate. I just nod at her.

Mga limang minuto din ang lumipas at tinanggal ko na sarili ko sa pagyakap sa kanya, “I’m done na. Thank you for the charge, bebe. Let’s go?” tumango naman siya kaya tumayo na ako.

We reviewed the steps para maayos namin yung details na binigyan diin ni Coach kahapon. After naman nun, we did it with counting lang para makuha namin nearer to the usual speed. Then finally, with music.

“Pahinga ka na bebe, you did well naman” sinabi ko sa kanya habang paupo sa harap ng mga salamin. Napractice na rin namin yung approximate blockings kaya feel ko kayang kaya naman na sumabay ni Ate Gwen.

Iba na naman kasing choreo gagawin namin mamaya kaya talagang kailangan namin na mabilis ang pick up. At kahit mabilis naman ang pick up niya, sometimes bebe’s just not that confident with her dancing.

“Sure ka ba bebe? Pwedeng isa pa? Kahit ako lang tas i-judge mo ako” she looked so determined kaya pinabayaan ko nalang.

I played the music once she signaled that she was ready. She started dancing, at tama nga talaga ang mga BLOOMs, iba si bebe on stage. Well, I guess in this case, in practice. I gave her reminders and pointed out the little details she got wrong while dancing. But, overall, she did so well.

Umupo na siya sa tabi ko at bigla kong naalala yung tanong niya kanina.

“Bebe” I said to catch her attention.

“Hihintayin kita” nakakunot noo niya na para bang hindi niya ako naiintindihan.

“Yung tanong mo kanina, the ‘what then?’” I reminded her at mukhang natandaan niya naman na.

“Hihintayin ko na pwede na natin subukan, ikaw na yan eh. Bakit ko ipapass up yung opportunity?” I softly smiled at her.

“Paano kung matagal tagal ang kailangan mong hintayin? Hindi ba yun selfish on my end?” tanong niya pabalik sa akin.

Hinarap ko ang buong katawan ko sa kanya. Sinundan niya rin naman ito kaya magkaharap na kami.

“If I find myself loving you…”

And trust me I do, bebe. I really do.

“And you find yourself loving me too”

Tumingin naman siya sa lapag.

I held her chin to make her look at me, “Then, kahit gaano pa katagal ang kailangan kong hintayin, for as long as we’ve set our boundaries and you’re willing to be patient with me as well — I don’t think it’d be selfish”

Meron kayang nagugustuhan ito si bebe? Bakit kaya ito ang nasa isip niya?

I looked at her right eye, “Whoever this theoretical person is”

“Kung alam niya na mahal mo siya at mahal ka niya” I paused.

I looked at her lips, “Dapat alam niya rin na you’ve been through so much to get where you are right now”

“And the most you can do at the moment is to support each other, in whatever way possible” dagdag ko.

I look at her left eye, “Then, ang expectation ko ay kahit hindi halata sa iba, basta alam niyo at ramdam niyo ang isa’t isa”

“Sana sapat na iyon para sa at– inyo for the meantime” I held her hand.

All of a sudden, she held my cheeks at nakita kong nakatingin siya sa labi ko. Nagulat naman ako sa biglaang lapit ng mukha niya kaya nahiya ako so I looked everywhere except her eyes. Pero ramdam ko na parang may gusto pa siyang sabihin.

“Bebe–” narinig na namin ang ingay ng ibang girls kaya hindi niya niya tinuloy. She just kissed my cheek at hinug ako.

“Thank you for telling me that” she whispered while she hugged me.

Gweneth Apuli, you’re someone too precious to leave. If it’s the only way, I don’t mind waiting lifetimes for you.