Chapter 23
(Aubrey & Emily)
Emily walked in the bedroom, stopping just inside the door. Aubrey had changed for bed and was brushing her hair at the dresser mirror. “Bree…” Her breath hitched in her throat and she took a deep breath. “Love, I’m sorry. That was horrible to do to you.” She put a hand on the door frame, blinking hard to stall her tears.
Aubrey put the brush down and walked over to her. “I don’t want to force you to talk, Em, but I want to help. So just remember…”
Emily threw her arms around Aubrey’s neck, and the blonde hugged her tight. “It’s not fair, Bree. I tried so hard and it just wasn’t good enough.” She buried her face in her partner’s shoulder as her tears fell.
“Come sit, babe,” Aubrey said gently, leading Emily to the edge of the bed. “What’s not fair?”
Sniffling, Emily gripped her hand tight. “Beca and I always planned to record my music until the label finally let us release something. But they keep sticking the demos in a drawer and ignoring them. Now it look like they want a certain sound from Beca, and it’s not what I write. All that work, all those hours, and now some other songwriter gets her foot in the door. It’s not fair and I’m… I’m jealous.” She dropped her face into her other hand. “I wanted to just get over it on my own and move on. But I couldn’t go to bed after treating you like that. Not without explaining, though it’s no excuse.”
Aubrey drew her close and stroked her hair. “I understand, Em.” She kissed her forehead. “You should talk to someone who can do more than understand, though. I’m sure Beca still wants to record your songs; maybe she can attitude her way into making them take you seriously.”
The brunette shook her head. “I can’t tell Beca. She’ll feel guilty, and I don’t want to stand in her way.” She sighed heavily. “I’ll just keep writing and hope someone will record them.” She lifted her head, watering hazel eyes meeting concerned pale blue. “I hate this, but I have to ask you not to tell Chloe. You know she would have the same solution and want to help by telling Beca.”
“I won’t mention it, love. Just… don’t give up yet. This Heather Bright may have a different sound, but Beca has huge range. There’s no reason she can’t do both.”
“Yeah, but I have to start writing as if it doesn’t matter. I have to write what any artist could pick up and perform.” She sounded miserable and Aubrey ached that she couldn’t do more for her. Emily sighed again. “Let’s go to bed. I have soulless music to write tomorrow.” She stood to change, her posture dejected and tense.
Not knowing what else to do, what Emily came to bed, she pressed herself close against her back and wrapped her arm snugly around her waist.
***
By morning, Emily, who hadn’t slept well, and made a decision. She was going to stop forwarding her music to Beca. She would be busy with Heather’s music soon, and perhaps if she seemed less demanding, the label would pay more attention. Besides, the music she was going to be writing wouldn’t be worthy of her friend’s talent anyway.
She was quiet at breakfast, forcing herself to eat the pancakes she had no appetite for to avoid further worrying Aubrey. The blonde didn’t push her to talk, seeing in her face and movements that she’d slept badly. She was at a loss as to how to help; she couldn’t change things and work for her, and she couldn’t ask for advice because she couldn’t tell Chloe. It looked like something Emily would have to navigate herself, which Aubrey hated.
Emily went in five minutes late so she could make it to her office without running into too many people. Beca was off again, her last day of recovery from her trip, so at least she would be left alone for the day. Dropping her bag on a chair, she pulled out her notebook and threw it on the desk before picking up her guitar.
Opening to a clean page, she pulled out a pencil and stared at the paper. It was all well and good to say she had soulless music to write, but she didn’t know if she even knew how to write without intent purpose. Putting the pencil down, she leaned back to strum out random chord progressions, looking for something she could start with.
At noon, the page was still blank and her hands hurt. With a sigh, she put the instrument away and called for her lunch delivery before texting Aubrey.
“How’s it going?”
“Just finished vacuuming. About to eat. You?”
“Slow. Lunch on its way. Still tired.” She set the phone down and moved her notebook to the piano for after lunch. Still waiting on her food, she sat down with the phone, seeing Aubrey’s reply.
“I know. I think you need some time off, but up to you. I love you.”
“Love you, too.” There was a knock at the door and she opened it to collect her burger and fries. She wasn’t particularly hungry, but know she had to eat something. Perhaps Aubrey was right; perhaps she did need time out of the office. She contemplated as she ate, though soon her mind turned back to her initial problem. Frustrated, she tossed the rest of her lunch, slamming her fist on the desk. She packed up her notebook and pulled out her phone. First, she put in for the rest of the week off, then texted Aubrey she was going for a drive.
***
Emily’s last text had Aubrey even more concerned, but she only replied, “Drive safe.” If time and space would help Emily, she could be patient. She busied herself with extra chores until Emily said she would be home soon. Deciding to order in, she put the takeout menus on the coffee table and mixed vodka cranberries for both of them.
When the door opened, she carried Emily’s drink with her to greet her partner. “I figured you might want this,” she said after a kiss.
“Yes, thank you.” Emily accepted the glass and took a long sip before they moved into the living room. As they sat on the couch, she said, “I took the rest of the week.” Taking another sip, she continued, “I don’t know how it’ll go, but I think you were right about needing time off. I can’t… I can’t sit in that room and stare at a blank page for hours. Which is pretty much what I accomplished today. I can do that here with you and be happier about it.”
Aubrey took her hand, lacing their fingers. “We can do whatever you want or need while you’re home. I’ll be here the whole time.”
“I’ll probably take a drive on Thursday while you hand out with Chloe. I don’t have the strength to hide how I feel, and I don’t want her to ask what’s wrong. I doubt I could lie about it again.”
Aubrey squeezed her hand. “I could always…”
“No, don’t cancel. It’s been two weeks, and the air and driving may help me think. Bu thank you for trying to help. I really do appreciate it.” She leaned over and kissed Aubrey’s forehead. “You know I love you, right?”
“I know, Em. I love you, too. Like I said, whatever you need or want, starting with dinner.” She gestured at the menus.
“Can you pick? I’m not really hungry, so whatever is fine.”
Aubrey nodded and traded her drink for her phone, calling for pizza as a simple solution that also allowed for leftovers for the next day. Emily squeezed her hand in thanks, and they sat quietly until dinner arrived. In the kitchen, Emily managed a full slice and the toppings off a second before pushing her plate away in favor of her refilled drink. The blonde had a feeling tonight would be a drinking night for her partner, and switched to soda so she would be able to take care of her.
After dinner, Emily brought her laptop to the living room. When Aubrey joined her, she clicked the mouse and played the song Beca had helped her record for her partner. When it ended, Emily closed the computer. “End of a short era,” she said quietly. It was the last song she had worked with Beca on and, she assumed, probably the last. That thought hurt more than she’d anticipated, and she gripped Aubrey’s hand as the tears threatened. She drained the last of her drink and stared off, trying not to think and failing.
Aubrey lifted her hand to kiss her knuckles. “Do you want another?” Emily nodded, and Aubrey went to the kitchen to bring the vodka and cranberry juice to the living room so she didn’t have to keep getting up. She grabbed herself another soda and mixed a refill her Emily. She didn’t say anything as she sat, simply offering up her hand.
Emily twined their fingers. “I’m sorry, Bree. I’m sure it’s hard to see me like this. If you want, I’ll…”
“All I want is you,” Aubrey interrupted. “I want my Emily, even when you don’t feel like her. Don’t do anything you don’t want to.”
Emily nodded and rested her head on the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling. “It hurts, Bree. To think I may never get to work with my friend again after all these years.”
Aubrey pulled her into a hug. “You don’t know it’s never, babe. Try not to jump to the worst outcome.”
Emily hugged back, resisting the urge to say something snappish. She didn’t think she was overreacting to a very real possibility. Staying quiet, she gripped Aubrey close; she wanted the contact if not the words. She pulled back just enough to claim a hungry, desperate kiss. “Make it go away, Bree. Just for a minute,” she pleaded quietly against her lips.
Jumping at the chance to something - anything - to help her partner, Aubrey pulled her back into an aggressive kiss by her hair, gratified by the low moan drawn from Emily’s chest. Trying to move fast, she fought with the buttons of Emily’s shirt until the brunette finally pulled away enough to pull it off over her head. Hurriedly, she stood to drop her jeans, and Aubrey yanked her back down into her arms for another breathtaking kiss.
Dipping her head, she caught one taut peak in her teeth as she clawed her back with both hands, eliciting a long, low groan laden with need. She leaned forward to force Emily to lie back, tongue still flicking against sensitive flesh. Emily clutched at her as she felt Aubrey’s finger stroking, whimpering in her ear, “Please, Bree…” Aubrey complied willingly, nipping and biting her neck and shoulder as she thrust. Emily lifted her hips to meet her hand, chasing the release she needed so urgently.
“Let go, love. Come for me,” Aubrey whispered, and soon, Emily arched hard under her, whimpering and grasping as she came. Aubrey persisted, thrusting slower until her partner was trembling with a second orgasm. Lying down, she gathered her songwriter into her arms and kissed her forehead.
Emily clung to Aubrey tight, her breathing hard from both exertion and emotion. “Can we… can we just stay here? I don’t wanna move.”
Aubrey kissed her softly. “Absolutely.” She reached up and grabbed the blanket she kept hung there, pulling it down over them. “Anything you need.”
“Just… stay till I fall asleep. I want to feel you next to me that long.”
“I’ll be right here all night. I’m not going anywhere, Em. I love you.” Aubrey brushed some hair from Emily’s face, wishing she could see those hazel eyes she loved so much. The brunette snuggled closer against her and was soon asleep.
When Emily woke up, she found herself exactly where she had been, on the couch in the tight circle of Aubrey’s arms. She felt a soft kiss on her forehead just before she opened her eyes.
“Morning, love,” Aubrey said quietly. After last night’s emotional whirlwind, she had no idea what to expect from her partner. But she was ready and willing to do whatever she could. She hated that chasm of sadness haunting Emily’s eyes.
“You didn’t get up? What time is it?”
Aubrey peeked over her shoulder to check the clock. “It’s almost 8. And no, I didn’t get up. I stayed right here.”
Emily kissed her softly. “Thank you,” she whispered before tucking her head down in her shoulder. She wanted coffee, but she wanted Aubrey’s arms more. “You must be stiff after laying there all night.”
“Nah, I’m fine. I imagine you want coffee, though. I can wait or make it, whichever you want.” In fact, her arms were stiff, but she wasn’t about to complain. Today could be – and likely would be – any imaginable mix of moods and reactions, so she was attempting to be ready for anything.
Emily hesitated, then nodded. “Coffee is good, but I’m coming, too, if you can grab me a robe first.” Aubrey kissed her forehead again and went to fetch a robe, taking Emily’s hand as they went to the kitchen.
The brunette leaned against the counter as Aubrey started the coffee, staying in arm’s reach for her own comfort. She didn’t want to feel alone on top of everything else she was feeling. As they waited for the machine, she pulled Aubrey into her arms. “I’m apologizing in advance of anything I say or do today. I don’t expect it to excuse anything, but…”
Aubrey placed a gentle finger over her lips. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re dealing with a lot right now. Things happen, things get said. Then we work on fixing it.” She moved her finger and kissed her lightly. The machine started sputtering, and Aubrey turned to pour and prep their coffee. “In here or the living room?”
“I… it’s easier in the living room,” Emily replied hesitantly. Aubrey nodded and led the way. She put her coffee on the end table.
“How should I sit? What’s comfortable for now?”
“Uhm, I guess… against the arm so I can sit in front of you.” Emily sipped her coffee and watched as her partner arranged herself and opened her arms to her. Sitting, she leaned back a bit as Aubrey snaked her free arm around her waist. They drank their coffee in silence until Emily’s phone went off. With a sigh, she got it from the pocket of her jeans on the floor. It was a text from Beca.
“You have time today?”
Growling, she leaned back again, showing Aubrey the message. “What the hell am I supposed to say?”
“You’re out this week. You’re fine, just taking a break. You don’t have to tell her anything else.”
Emily nodded and sent that message verbatim. She turned off her volume and put the device on the coffee table before settling back in Aubrey’s embrace. She couldn’t talk to Beca right now, not till she had her emotions handled. “Why is this so hard, Bree? Why does it hurt like this? It’s just recordings.”
“Em, you’re a musician. It’s never just a recording. It’s a part of you. And I don’t think it’s wrong for you to care who sings and performs what you created.” She held Emily a bit tighter. “Beca’s been your friend for years. You lived together in college. That’s why it hurts, babe. You made plans with her and they haven’t panned out. It’s not unreasonable to be upset about it.”
“But it feels like… I don’t know. But it’s not good. I just feel awful. I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t like it.” She ran a hand roughly over her face. She didn’t have words for this, and words were her job. “What if it never goes away?” she whispered, rising panic in her voice. “Bree, what…”
Aubrey tightened her grip further. “Em, stop. You will feel better. You won’t feel like this forever. You just have to come out the other side. Take a deep breath, love.” She felt her partner take a deep, shuddering breath. “Again. Good. Can you look at me?” Emily turned in her seat to meet pale blue eyes with hazel, full of fear, panic, and distress. Aubrey took both mugs and set them aside, then took Emily’s hands. “We’ll get you through this.”
Emily held her hands tightly, looking at them as she tried to calm herself down. She knew Aubrey was right, but that didn’t stop all the swirling emotions trying to stifle her. She heard Aubrey’s phone go off and released a hand so she could check it. The blonde fired off a quick reply before taking her hand again. “Was it Chloe?” Emily asked quietly.
“Yes, but I told her the same thing.”
Emily sighed. “I’m sorry I made you lie to her.”
“Don’t worry about that. I promised to take care of you, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” Aubrey drew her into a tight hug and stroked her soft brown hair. “I know you probably aren’t hungry, but can you have just a little? Maybe just some toast?”
Emily nodded against her shoulder. They reclaimed their coffee and returned to the kitchen for breakfast. The brunette stood nearby as Aubrey made a large stack of buttered toast, then followed her to the table, pulling her chair close to Aubrey’s so she could stay as close as possible while letting her eat. She managed to finish two slices of toast while she finished her first coffee.
Aubrey refilled their mugs, and when she sat, Emily moved into her lap. The blonde rubbed her back gently, trying to be present without pushing Emily into anything. When Emily got up with no warning, she looked up at her. “What do you need, babe?”
“I need to write something down. I’ll be right back.” She disappeared into the guest room, quietly pushing the door closed behind her.
With Emily occupied, Aubrey let her guard slip a bit, rubbing her temples. She was doing everything she could think of, but she was getting a feeling this wouldn’t resolve in a few days. She was sure they would eventually record a successful track, but Emily saw the plan as shattered, and it was how she felt that was bothering her. Aubrey’s reassurance could only go so far, as she couldn’t actually change the situation.
She heard the guest room door open and lifted her head, putting her supportive partner hat back on. She heard a loud thump followed by a blistering string of expletives. Jumping up, she followed Emily’s voice to the living room, where Emily was sitting on the floor by the TV, one hand clamped to her head. “Em, what happened?”
“I fucking tripped and hit my damn head on the TV stand.” She continued grumbling as she moved to stand.
“Wait, let me look.” Aubrey moved to her side and knelt down. Emily moved her hand, revealing a growing bump topped with a small cut where she’d hit the corner of the wooden stand. “Are you dizzy?”
Emily gave her a look. “I don’t know yet; I haven’t gotten up.”
Aubrey, ignoring the sarcastic tone of voice and the look, stood and extended a hand to help her up. “Come sit and I’ll clean that up.” She walked Emily to the couch, where she took a closer look at the cut. “It’s not bad. I’ll be right back.”
While Aubrey was out of the room, Emily stretched out on the couch, still muttering curses under her breath. She was angry and had nowhere to direct it. She knew she’d been snappish, but she couldn’t deal with that yet. She had to dispel her impotent rage at no on in particular without taking it out on Aubrey.
Returning to the living room, Aubrey smiled approvingly. “Lying down is better. Just let me clean it real quick.” Crouching down, she gently dabbed away the blood with a damp washcloth, apologizing when Emily flinched away. She applied a small bandage and stood. “Do you want ice for it?”
“No, it’ll be fine, it doesn’t matter.” She crossed her arms over her chest, eyes locked on the ceiling. She was developing a headache, but refused to ask for help. Instead, she got back up and stormed into the kitchen for Advil, leaning against the counter after taking it. She needed air, and she returned to the living room to announce, “I need to go somewhere.”
Aubrey nodded. “A park? Just a drive?”
“A drive is fine, as long as I can open the window and blast some music.” She moved to the bedroom, slamming drawers shut as she pulled out clean clothes. Aubrey followed to change out of yesterday’s outfit. She stayed quiet, knowing Emily was angry, but unsure if she was the cause of the anger. They retrieved their phones and went to the car.
“Does it matter where we go?” Aubrey asked as she started the car.
“Not really.” Emily set up the music and lowered the window. Once they were on the road, Emily started a playlist of hard rock and metal designed for angry moods. She stared out the passenger window, not really seeing the other cars and buildings.
It took half an hour for Emily to realize they were leaving the city entirely. “Where are we going?” she asked, her voice holding more curiosity than anger for the moment.
“The Jersey shore. Hotel, boardwalk, beach.”
“We didn’t pack anything.”
Aubrey shrugged. “We’ll pick up what we need along the way. You need a vacation, and this is perfect on short notice.” She glanced over at her partner, hoping she wasn’t inadvertently fueling the earlier anger. But Emily changed playlists and turned the volume down a bit, paying more attention to the scenery as it became less urban.
“Have you been down here before?” the brunette asked.
“Once, right after I moved up here. It was really nice to sit on the beach and just think. It’s too cold to swim yet, but we can sit, or we can walk the boardwalk, play some games, try some rides. Or we can just vegetate at the hotel. Whatever you want to do.”
Emily fell quiet, still looking out the window. She supposed there would be games where she could safely throw things, which might help the anger still simmering beneath the surface. And some time by the water might be relaxing. “Pick a nice hotel; we’ll spring for a suite and make it a real vacation.
***
After a few days spent both relaxing and coping with Emily’s problems, they got home by lunch on Sunday. She had unleashed her anger on the boardwalk games, stared into the ocean, and gone through draining bouts of tears. She now thought she could maintain a calm demeanor. And it was all thanks to Aubrey’s ingenuity. She doubted she would have made such progress at home. She would have to find a way to properly thank her partner for her unwavering support.
While they waited for dinner, Emily brought her guitar out and sat on the end of the couch facing Aubrey. “I don’t have anything new, but… well, here’s the beginning of a thank you.” She started playing a stripped-down version of the song she’d written for Aubrey, trying to infuse the words with love, thanks, and sincerity.
After, Aubrey moved close as Emily set the instrument aside and drew her into a slow, deep kiss. “That was beautiful, Em. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too, Bree. More than I have words for. Thank you for taking care of me; I didn’t make it easy.”
Aubrey kissed her forehead. “Anything for you.”