Part 1 The boys can’t help it, but Hermione has the answer
Harry, Ron and Hermione were sat on Ron’s bed planning what to do next against ‘you know who’. Hermione leaned backwards and her hand slipped under Ron’s bedding.
“Euch!”, Hermione sat upright quickly and shook her hand, which didn’t really solve the problem.
Ron went bright red, “Sorry Hermione, last night, not under my control, you know how it is”.
Hermione’s eyes bored into Ron, “No Ron, I completely fail to understand how having woken up after a nocturnal emission you can fail to clean up your bedding, at least to the point of drying it sufficiently, so that I didn’t realise I was wiping my hand across residue of semen”. She pushed her still damp hand towards his face and Ron started to back away. “See, you don’t want it all over you, do you. So what made you think I’d be especially keen to get it on my hand”.
In later years Hermione was going to prove to be only too keen to have Ron’s semen almost anywhere he chose to spread it, but that’s the difference between being thirteen and eighteen.
If it was possible Ron got even redder. “Look we’re not allowed out of our dorms at night and if you start making a load of noise you wake someone else and then it becomes ‘take the piss out of the bed wetter’”.
“But you’re not wetting the bed”.
Harry interrupted “Well he sort of is, wet dreams are only inevitable if you don’t keep up a steady wanking frequency. So the established view is if you can’t rub one out on a regular basis, you deserve a wet bed and the mild verbal abuse that comes from the rest of the dorm knowing you’ve done it”.
Hermione turned her gimlet gaze on Harry, much to Ron’s relief. “Wet dreams, wanking, rub one out; Harry we’ve had this discussion before, these are simple biological functions, which can be described without resort to euphemistic slang so”.
“Alright, alright I’ll start again. Well he sort of is, nocturnal emissions are only inevitable if you don’t keep up a steady masturbation frequency. So the established view is if you can’t masturbate to ejaculation on a regular basis, you deserve a wet bed and the mild verbal abuse that comes from the rest of the dorm knowing you’ve done it. Is that better”.
“See it wasn’t that hard was it. You don’t hear me using euphemisms if I describe my menstrual bleeding to you do you”
“No Hermione”
Ron’s comment “We’d rather you just didn’t tell us at all” was sufficiently quiet that Hermione actually didn’t hear it, which was unusual.
“And how come Ron is incapable of maintaining an adequate frequency of masturbation, presumably you are Harry”.
Harry didn’t blush as deeply as Ron, but he still went red, “We’re so busy trying to cope with schoolwork and Voldemort. You get so tired sometimes it’s hard to find the time and somewhere private enough. It’s not like we can all go into the stalls and do mass production, particularly with prefects wandering around ostensibly looking for smokers”.
Hermione didn’t look satisfied.
“Look Hermione just for once accept that you don’t get it. Harry’s right, can you imagine the comments my big brothers would make if they realised I was on the other side of a cubicle door engaged in”, he paused, Hermione gave him the ‘the eye’ “Masturbation to ejaculation. Can you”.
“Well if you both insist; I manage to cope with a very irregular menstrual cycle that has had me start in mid potions lesson and during Quidditch, but if you say it’s beyond you, then I’ll just have to accept that that is the limit of the male of the species capacity”.
“Actually Hermione, it was me who lent you a hankie in potions for your emergency protection, so maybe there’s a bit of quid pro quo here”.
“Well fair point, let me think about it”.
“What me masturbating to ejaculation”.
“No you idiot, the equivalent of sanitary protection. Have you tried a condom”.
“Needs you to be….fully erect, to stay on, I’ve even tried a spare sock, but by the time you need it it’s slithered off in the bed”.
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They were on their way back from an afternoon at Hogsmeade, an afternoon in which Hermione had inexplicably gone missing for half an hour. As they walked through a wooded part of the route Hermione turned to the boys, “I need to urinate, we need to slip into the woods so you two can keep guard for me”.
“Can’t you wait until we get back to school it’s not far”.
“No, I need to go now” and Hermione gave a little jiggle that suggested she was squeezing her legs together.
“Go on then” and the three of them ducked behind a large tree pushed through a few bushes and came to small clearing. Hermione looked round “This will do, get your flies undone”.
“I thought it was you that needed a pee”.
“Just a cover in case anyone else has large ears and is nosey, say ninety percent of the rest of the school, now get your flies open and produce a penis each, preferably flacid”.
“I’m not sure I’ve got too much control over that”, Ron could feel himself engorging as he undid his zip.
“Oh just get it out, but point it away from me”.
The boys turned their backs and did as instructed. Hermione stood behind them and they could hear her rummaging in her bag. She took a minute or two longer than was strictly necessary so she could have a quick look at the boys, purely in the spirit of scientific investigation of course. She noted that Ron’s was thicker, Harry’s longer and slightly bent to the left, neither boy was circumcised and that once fully erect the prepuce had indeed effectively peeled back to expose the glans. She didn’t notice the increase in moisture between her legs or the labial swelling that accompanied it, which allowed her to assume that she was not aroused by these sights. However to business, she removed the two articles reached round the boys, placed them on the tips of the boy’s glans and pulled them firmly down completely covering their erections.
“Hermione don…ah!, ah! too late”. Ron’s twitching made what was happening inside the device only too obvious. Harry was frantically trying to remember Snape’s most humiliating put downs as a way of distracting his mind, and ..phew, it worked.
“Well you’ll see how it works then Ron, feel all wet and sticky”.
Ron was still at the panting stage so his reply wasn’t entirely coherent “Herm, what did you, not that it wasn’t nice, but I’d never, phew!”.
“Deep breath Ron, I’ll admit that wasn’t part of my plan. But since it’s happened please tell me does it feel all wet and sticky”.
“Ha… no actually it doesn’t”
“Good there you are then, tuck yourself back in and never have to worry about a damp patch in the bed from a nocturnal emission again”.
“What is it”.
“They’re called ‘Auntie Molly’s milkmaid', they’re a sheath with a clutch spell so it doesn’t come off and a small matter transference spell to dispose of any liquid to a safe place. Only small quantities mind I was clearly warned it can’t cope with a full bladder”.
“Where did you get it”.
“The ‘adult’ shop in Hogsmeade”.
“The what, where”.
“You mean your brothers didn’t tell you about it”.
“I’m pretty sure my brothers don’t know about it. How did you find it”.
“Swots read books; you’d be surprised what you find in them, in this case a flyer for the local purveyor of sex toys and other adult implements, including those”.
“And how did you get into a sex toy ship and make a purchase”.
“That would be telling, but before you ask it wouldn’t work for either of you or us as a group. Talking of which where’s Harry gone”.
“He’s behind you so don’t turn round”.
Hermione heard some grunts and a gasp.
“Harry are you doing what I think you’re doing”
“No Hermione I’ve just done what you think I’m still doing”. Harry felt quite proud of himself for being able to come up with such a smart reply while simultaneously controlling his breathing. “You’re always telling us about the scientific method, experimentation and all that”.
You could have waited until I wasn’t around”.
“Ron didn’t”.
“Clearly Ron couldn’t, which is different. I was just thinking how nice it was that you have more control, but clearly I’m to be disappointed. Well since you have you have, assuming it worked put it away and let’s get back to school”.
They returned to the path and turned towards Hogwarts, after a minute or so Ron couldn’t resist “So what did you get yourself Hermione. You can’t have been in a place like that and not treated yourself to something”.
“That Ron is material for your lurid orgasmic fantasies. A young lady never discusses her personal sex life with boys; it would be round the school before morning break”.
Harry looked at Ron “She’s right you know”.
“No she isn’t, if she told me I’d want to keep that sort of thing to myself, then when I was enjoying myself it would be twice as good in the knowledge no one else knew”.
“Well dream on Ron”.
Which of course he did and even in his most lurid fantasy he probably still didn’t imagine what Hermione had purchased.
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Part 2 An oral option
Ginny was sat next to Hermione in the library, “Hermione, did you know house elves have prehensile tongues”.
“For catching flies, yes I’m pretty sure I read it somewhere. They’re almost a foot long”.
“The possibilities seem interesting; you’re friends with a house elf aren’t you”.
“Dobby, he has a name”
“And a prehensile tongue”.
“Ginny are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting”.
“Experimentation Hermione, like you say hypotheses must be tested by experimentation”.
Luna leaned across the table, “Would it be safe”.
“Well you’re not going to get pregnant”.
“But house elves, they’re not exactly, well human are they”.
“And that makes them unsafe because; come on Luna I’d have expected better from you”.
“I was thinking more about how easily they can be coerced”.
“Oh I wouldn’t coerce him, just ask nicely and offer him something he wanted in return”.
“I meant by someone other than the recipient of the tongue, into telling, they are notoriously bad at keeping secrets”.
“You have a point”.
“Shame; that seemed like a really good idea”.
“Ah well back to ‘The PPE required before attempting to handle a mandrake’”.
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Part 3 The Womping Willow womps on and on
Luna asked the question, “My question is why would you want to bother”.
It was Hermione who replied, “Sprouts attitude is that if it’s alive and a plant you should know how to cultivate one”.
“Knowledge for knowledge’s sake”.
“Exactly”.
“What are you two talking about”.
“Sorry Ginny, we had Sprout today on the cultivation of Whomping Willow’s, so now we’ve both got one in a pot next to our beds and apparently all we have to do is keep it moist for a fortnight, before we hand it back to Sprout”.
“And you don’t know”.
“Know what”.
“Hermione, being muggle born I can understand, but I’m surprised you haven’t been told Luna, by your mum. Did you only get them today”.
“Yes”.
“Well wait until after lights out tonight and if you haven’t worked it out I’ll tell you tomorrow. They’ve been recently pollarded haven’t they”.
“Yes, we did that in the lesson”.
“So they’re about six inches long and an inch think and have four or five knobbly bits on the end”.
“Yes”
“And when you made the pollarding cuts, you made sure there were no rough edges”.
“Yes the professor seemed to think that was import….Oh!”.
“Got it Luna”
“I think so, something Granny once said about having a bit of fun in herbology in the Sixth Form, mum was there at the time so I think she probably thought I now knew and she wouldn’t have to mention it”.
“I still don’t”
“Think about it Hermione, what do Whomping Willows do”.
“Thrash around a lot if they get anything within reach”.
“So suppose you deliberately put them in reach of something, something to keep them moist as well, although they still need watering and that’s not a euphemism, just tapwater”.
“I’m still” then Ginny give a demonstration with her hand “No, you’re joking”
“One of the perks of being a witch that no boy can enjoy”.
“So you mean inside”.
“That depends on your internal status and desires, I think they work best on the outside, if you put it within you need an additional source of external friction”.
Just for once Hermione was so lost for words she didn’t correct Ginny and insist she used the ‘correct terms’.
“The real perk is it goes on and on, as long as you leave it inside or in contact it’ll keep whomping. I’ve been told if you get a smaller one and bag the roots up you can get it all..”.
“No”.
“And just leave it inside for a couple of days. Remember when the girls from Beau Batons visited”.
“Yes”
“Well I noticed a couple who had a permanent dreamy look on their faces. I’m pretty sure that was why”.
“I don’t believe you”.
“Well just lie quietly tonight and see what you can hear. There’s six of you in the dorm and I’ll bet at least three will be, so at least one will make appropriate noises”.
“That’s why I couldn’t, the thought of people listening”.
“It’s all about timing, get started as soon as lights are out and roughly six minutes later, you won’t be listening, and neither will anyone else”.
“Unless they aren’t joining in”.
“Well think of it as just like helping someone with their homework. You’re always telling us not to be embarrassed about our bodies and their functions”.
“She’s got you there Hermione”.
“Yes, well but this seems different, there’s talking about it and actually doing it”.
“Oh Hermione Granger, don’t tell me you’re all talk but no action. Honestly you do absolutely nothing”.
“Well no”.
“I thought not, so it’s just something new, the next step on the road to complete fulfillment”.
“Someone once told me the purpose of sex was to create children”.
“More fool them then; the purpose of sex is to leave you feeling like a pool of jelly, gasping for breath as your muscles give a last few twitches. You can make babies with a turkey baster, lesbians manage to”.
“Sometimes I worry about you Ginny”.
“Well don’t, maybe it’s because of the red hair, but it runs in the family, my mother would tell you exactly the same. I’d say the willow is almost a Weasley witching tradition and if you’re getting hot on Ron he’ll assume you have”.
Which is what Hermione told herself as she picked up the pot at lights out and slid it under the bedcovers.