The moon glowed at the peak of its rise in the center of the sky, persuading the stars around it to shine, coaxing out their light without letting their shine distract from its own. Pale yellow light trickled through the frost-kissed windows of the Gryffindor common room, brushing against Remus's scarred cheek. The near fullness of the moon taunted him and its last unlit sliver teased his tired eyes. As thin as the dim space keeping the moon from glowering down at him in its full capacity was, his hope was thinner. Or rather, non-existent. Remus left his eyes stuck to the intimidating orb of bold light, too drained to even shift his gaze. His hands rested lazily in his pockets and his shoulders slumped down, creating a forward arch in his back, though they were no less tense than normal; more so with the near fullness of the moon. Just two days before the full moon, his senses were painfully acute and the gentle whistle of the wind howled in his ears, berating him with the low hum of its breeze.
Barely connected to the unforgiving strings of reality, Remus almost didn't acknowledge the light clicking of heels a couple halls away. He didn't move. His body remained still and his face remained unwavering in an expression of raging indifference. As the footsteps crescendoed, they slowed; a failed, but honorable, attempt to restrain their volume. Still a ways away, the scent of whoever was walking towards Remus leaked into the room, engulfing him in a heartening familiarity. For the first time in quite a while, Remus's face softened, melting the unbothered mask of numbness that he had been all too used to wearing. His breath shuttered as he let it go, slipping through his lips uneven and quaking.
A few minutes later, after the footsteps had reached a volume that pounded in Remus's sensitive ears with each light thud, they stopped. A soothing silence brushed over the moonlit room. After just a moment, it was broken by a sweet rich voice that trickled into every corner of the room at a whisper.
"Moony?" Sirius leaned against the door of the common room.
Remus remained silent.
Sirius took note of the almost-full moon pointing its radiant but daunting light directly at the exhausted boy standing before it at its mercy. He took a few paces forward, sliding his feet along the floors rather than stepping, careful to muster as much silence as he could.
Just a touch unsteady, Sirius approached his boyfriend. He stopped just behind him, letting his presence hug Remus lovingly rather than his arms.
"Can I?" Sirius whispered so quietly that the vulnerable brush of his voice reached no farther than Remus's ear, leaving the walls bare of its echo.
Remus didn't speak. He slowly shut his eyes and squeezed them tight; a pained blink of approval.
Sirius leaned forward, closing the eager gap between their shoulders. He slid his arms up to slowly hang on Remus's weighted shoulders. Before he knew it, his head settled into the soothing and familiar fabric of Remus's sweatshirt, like a habit. Sirius couldn't help but let a breathy sigh escape him. The gentle breath swept up the rough skin of Remus's neck, flowing up to subtly mingle with the soft golden brown curls of Remus's hair.
Remus opened his eyes only to let them fix hazily back on the moon.
Sirius shifted his head to gaze up at Remus, admiring every scratch and bruise that painted his delicate face. The scars that were so prominently displayed on his harsh cheekbone were kissed by the moonlight, bandaging them as if it were trying to atone for its actions.
If Remus noticed Sirius's repositioning, his face was no indication.
Still admiring Remus's face, Sirius loosened his grip around his shoulders, "do you want me to go?"
Before he could answer, Remus felt his head shake eagerly. And like a shy drop of blood gradually emerging from a new scar, a tear welled in his eye. The teardrop glimmered the unfazed reflection of the moon, inviting a radiant sparkle to dance in Remus's worn hazel eyes. Remus's breath hitched as he felt a quick tug at his chest; a shock of despair receding deep into his heart.
Under his hand, Sirius felt the shutter of Remus's chest and he tightened his embrace, letting not only his warmth, but his care spill through the thick fabric of his sweater. Remus lifted an arm to rest against Sirius's, securing the familiar hold of Sirius's arms wrapped around Remus, though Sirius wasn't even considering pulling his arm away. A pure, unrestrained smile swelled between Sirius's rosy cheeks as he nearly melted at the feeling of Remus sinking into his embrace.
Neither Sirius nor Remus knew how much time had passed before Remus spoke; mesmerized by the hypnotic sensation of being held in one another's arms.
"You should go." Remus's voice was frail but his words were sure.
Sirius loosened his grip but his arms still rested comfortably across Remus's chest.
"Okay, if that's what you really want." Sirius slowly dropped his arms, letting them slip down Remus's chest as he pulled away. Remus appreciated the last few seconds of his boyfriend's warmth against him before his body went numb again.
"It's not what I want," Remus's voice suddenly possessed a whisper of dry frustration.
"Oh?"
"It's what's best." Remus began pacing around the room.
"What do you mean, love?" Sirius kept his tone light.
"Well being with me isn't exactly a cup of tea right now," Remus did his best to brace the aggression that festered within him. But he wasn't in control of it.
"Moony-"
"No no. I don't want to hear how much you love me or how beautiful I am or whatever. We both know what I really am."
"And what's that?"
"A fucking monster."
Sirius fully turned his body from the window to face Remus. "Well," he paused, still keeping his voice uplifting, "I think beast is a more accurate word."
Remus side-eyed him.
"Oh come on, Moony, you know I have never thought of you as anything other than the sweetest and-"
"I said I didn't want to hear it!" Remus snapped and his chest heaved as the words lingered heavily in the air between them, stinging in Remus's ear mockingly. He crashed to the floor and curled up to hug his knees.
Rocking back and forth in his own arms, Remus winced at the savage and relentless raw anger that burgeoned within him. The unforgiving wrath of his unwanted rage tore at every inch of him. It burned against his skin, pounded in his head, shredded the innocence of his caring heart. He swayed on the floor in attempts to lure the uncontrollable ferocity of his temper into a more bearable whisper rather than a flaring roar. But such a task was something akin to trapping a dragon in a bird cage. His skin tingled in the undesired emotion like the fizzle of soda when it first touches your tongue, but vicious and merciless. He dove his fingers into his hair and promptly dug his nails into his scalp in desperate hopes to manufacture a pain that obscured the anger.
Sirius lost his breath. Watching Remus, his person, who he knew would never even begin to understand how purely fucking amazing he was, in any and every sense of the word, writhing in the pain that he would never escape, Sirius felt as though he was about to melt. He steadied his breath, searching for any ounce of stability left in him to compose himself. Remus began muttering under his breath, although Sirius didn't think he realized it.
"It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault," Remus continued to mutter, still rocking back and forth, clutching his knees close to his chest. His voice began to crack and his tone gathered more frustration and desperation as his volume rose.
"It's not my fault!" He screamed at last, letting go of his knees and looking up to the ceiling, which appeared endless in the darkness of the night. He dropped his head back down, leaving his jaw to thud against his chest.
Sirius moved to sit in front of his boyfriend, settling before him and crossing his legs. "Of course it's not, Moony," he whispered, lifting Remus's chin with the crook of his bent finger. He brushed his hand along the side of Remus's face, eventually resting it on his cheek.
"I'm sorry," Remus's shaking eyes met Sirius's welcoming ones. "I'm so sorry," his voice was choppy and he spoke between strained breaths as he shut his eyes, unable to reciprocate the hopefulness of Sirius's expression. He lifted his hand to press Sirius's closer to his cheek and let the weight of his head drop into Sirius's palm.
With each crack of Remus's voice, Sirius's chest ached more and more, eventually almost blinding him with the agony of watching his favorite person so desperately shatter right before him.
"Remus," the lack of a nickname drew Remus's eyes back open. "You have absolutely no reason to be sorry. You hear me?" Sirius spoke with a reassuring and understanding confidence. Remus winced an acknowledgement and crashed back into Sirius's familiar hand.
Sirius shifted next to Remus and pulled him into his embrace, burying his own face into Remus's beautiful golden brown curls. "If you apologize one more time I swear to god I'll raid your chocolate stash," his voice was muffled against Remus's head, but his breath warmed Remus all around even though it just barely brushed along the nape of his neck.
Remus let loose a weak giggle that cracked into a helpless sob and Sirius pulled him closer.
"Don't let go," Remus muttered weakly, speaking so softly he didn't think Sirius would hear.
A few comfortable silent moments passed by and Remus relaxed in relief that Sirius hadn't heard him. Until Sirius finally whispered softly and sweetly, his words slipping through his barely parted lips directly into Remus's ear.
"Never."