Just a day before the full moon, Remus sat on the floor, slumped over the splintering planks of his room and staring out the window in a haze. His eyes grasped for as much sunlight as they could take in, too weary to look away for even a moment; surely if he stared at the sun intently enough, it couldn't leave. If he focused all his attention and every inch of his shimmering hazel eyes on its comforting shine, its light couldn't so much as flicker. But as hard as he stared and as desperately as he wished, its playful, reassuring light would always fade to the blue glow of the merciless moonlight, slipping right through his desperate fingers. Tears welled in his eyes as the shine burned them harshly, but he didn't dare to so much as let his eyelids quiver.
A familiar hand settled on his shoulder, thankfully granting his eyes the initiative to blink. His eyelids fluttered, shooing away the tears that burned down his cheeks as they slipped down his long face. As if the subtle touch of Sirius's fingertips had unfrozen his entire body, Remus reanimated with a flinch, turning to his boyfriend, who sat down to stare up at the sky alongside him.
Sirius knew better than to ask if he was alright. "Is there anything I can do, love?" He positioned himself close to Remus as he spoke softly, leaning his shoulder heavily onto the boy next to him. A thin strand of hair had swept down to sway before Remus's teary eyes. Sirius lifted his hand to cup Remus's cheek, using his thumb to brush away the lost strand of hair along with a tear and leaving the palm of his hand to linger on Remus's cheek reliably.
Remus's breath trembled even more than his hands as he gazed down at them. "I just," his voice cracked, "I'm just so..." he broke his intent stare to let his head crash into his still shaking hands. Through chilling sobs, he just barely uttered the word for which he had been searching. "Broken."
The last word to shutter through Remus's quivering lips shot chillingly into Sirius's heart. A flood of despair crashed into his chest, its force overwhelming his body with the urge to collapse. His every inch stung and tingled dreadfully. He forced all his strength to swallow the heaving lump in his throat. "Hey," he pressed his forehead against the back of Remus's head, letting his words trickle lovingly into his ear. "That's my boyfriend you're talking about. I won't let you call him anything short of fucking perfect."
Remus smiled into his hands and leaned even more trustingly into Sirius's chest.
The silky black waves of Sirius's hair tickled Remus's forehead, soothing his every racing thought and worry. His reliable inhale and exhale as his chest rose and fell in hypnotic repetition left Remus to sink deeper into Sirius's chest, unable to fight the unwavering surge of trust that warmed his every inch. The familiar, heartening scent of the boy holding him tighter than he'd ever been held submerged him into an addictive state of adoration. The gentle touch of Sirius's fingertips resting gingerly on his arm left Remus's heart aching with contentment. He felt whole. As full as the moon was to be that night.
Sirius breathed one last phrase into Remus's ear before wrapping his arms around him completely, "scars and all." The words broke from his mouth, taking control over themselves to dance into Remus's chest, illuminating just a flicker of hope that he hadn't felt since he was just a boy.
Remus opened his eyes and the flicker died. Not even caring to dwindle away gently or leave any trail that it had ever existed in the first place. He stared down at his hands again. So scarred. So battered. How could Sirius ever love these hands? How could he bear to hold them and and kiss them and never let them go? And how could he possibly stand to love the person attached to them, who was even more worn and even more scarred.
Sirius took note of Remus's pondering gaze which he knew couldn't indicate anything short of self-loathing. He whispered sweetly, "you're my favorite person, Remus Lupin."
An unshielded smile quivered across Remus's face, weakly chasing away the despair that had consumed it. But only very briefly did the smile last. It was pushed away by something Sirius could only assume to be the hopelessness of his boyfriend's reality.
"Part-time person," Remus corrected him. His tone left behind a trail of frustration and annoyance.
Sirius shifted slightly to face him and furrow his brow.
"Well, y-you know," Remus stuttered, less confident. "I-I'm a," a defeated sigh huffed from deep in his chest, flowing desperately from his lips. He tried once more to get the word out, "a-" to no avail.
"A werewolf. There's no shame in just the word, Moony. It's not as if you're in control," Sirius reassured him.
"Alright," Remus shuttered a sigh. "I'm- I'm a werewolf." Ignoring the care with which Remus spoke, the word spat out into the room acidly, ringing and burning in Remus's ears, evoking the same utter repulsion in him as the sound of silverware scraping the innocent face of a plate. And leaving the same indelible mark to prod sharply at his tired chest. He shuttered an exhale before he spoke again, "a werewolf." The word was more steady the second time. A confident contempt overtook Remus and his daunted expression melted into a stern one before he went on. "A disgusting, harmful, hairy fucking beast that never fails to scar any and everyone in its path. A creature that revels in the pleasure of tearing apart innocent creatures and licking them clean of any blood that dares face it." Remus went back to staring at his hands with a disgusted disappointment festering in his distant eyes. "Not to mention its nasty habit of rolling in its own filth." He let loose his wrists, allowing for his hands to drop and sway in front of his knees as he crashed into the floor behind him.
Speechless, Sirius stared down at Remus. After a few silent moments, he stood.
Remus sighed, "where are you going?"
Sirius nudged him with his foot, "follow me."
Curious, Remus glanced up at his boyfriend and furrowed his brow.
"I said," Sirius bent down to pull Remus's arm, "follow me." He dragged Remus to his feet and grinned back at him, "...stubborn git."
Remus chuckled weakly. As meek and drained as it was, Sirius never let fade that last drop of untouched joy that cowered within Remus; a shy, weak flame scarcely lighting a pitch black cave to a dim glow.
Outside, the wind blew carelessly, rumbling the low whisper of its frosted breeze. It maneuvered cleverly between every winding branch and twig, luring their leaves to sway along with its tempting gusts. The rustle of the bushes brushing against one another harmonized with the gentle hum of the breeze. The sky illuminated an ombre of the warmest colors just on the verge of leaking into night time as the navy blue of the night sky teased the bottom layer of the sunset, rushing the playful dwindling light of dusk to give way to the night's darkness. The moon hovered just above the blurred line of the horizon, preparing itself to glow in its full light, still hours away from reaching its peak at the tip of the sky. Some brave streams of its light just trickled through the twists and turns of the branches and leaves of the forest.
"Where are we going?" Remus's eyes darted around, apprehensively searching for the threatening glow of the moon.
"Nowhere," Sirius smiled back at him and continued to walk aimlessly, pulling Remus's arm behind him, urging the boy to follow although he would have whether Sirius was guiding him or not.
"Pads-" Remus complained.
"Hush," Sirius said, still walking with no clear direction.
After a couple more minutes of pointless wandering, Sirius stopped abruptly, leaving Remus to jump back in order to avoid crashing into his boyfriend. Sirius lifted his chin, pointing his nose up to the center of the sky, which was lacking the debatably essential presence of the sun or moon. As if his presence coaxed out the breeze, a gust of wind swept through Sirius's hair, pushing it back swiftly and refreshing every inch of his face. He closed his eyes, letting his hair sway behind him and his cheeks flush at the chilled brush against them.
He opened his eyes. "Okay, here's good," he looked over at Remus expectantly.
"Good for...?"
"I don't know... nature," Sirius pulled Remus closer to him, inviting him to be graced by the cool breeze as well.
Before Remus could ask another question, the daunting glimmer of the unshy moon caught his eye and froze his blood. After just a moment it disappeared behind a branch as another perseverant gust of wind swept through the forest.
Sirius noted the reflection of the moon against Remus's eyes as it flashed across them, draining them of any curiosity or light that had remained only to replace it with fear and dread.
"Remus," Sirius's voice was low and so frail it was almost swept away by the wind. He rested his hands just below Remus's shoulders, letting their warmth sink through Remus's sweater. "What you said before," he considered his words carefully, "the way you described-" he started over. "You're not some vicious beast." He slid his hands up to rest his wrists on Remus's shoulder, allowing for his hands to graze the back of his neck. "You're Moony. You're ~my~ Moony."
Remus's chest fluttered, letting loose a pained sigh that escaped his parted lips desperately. His head fell into Sirius's. Their foreheads pressed against one another's and for a moment, the light of the moon didn't feel so threatening. As if the twinkle in Sirius's mesmerizing ice blue eyes could outshine the selfish yellow glow of the moon as Remus stared into them. His breath continued to quiver from his mouth, made visible against the frost-kissed air of the young night.
"Do me a favor, Moony?" Sirius whispered, speaking directly into Remus's lips so that not even the breeze could overhear the sweetness of his tone.
"Anything." Remus hadn't realized how shaky his voice had become.
"Look," Sirius separated from him reluctantly. "Look at the grass. Where you're going to run and roll around. Where your fur is going to mix with the blades." He bent down to study the grass closer, "look how pretty, Moony. This green," he paused to admire it, "only the kind nature itself can make."
Remus knelt down in front of him. He rubbed a blade of grass between his fingers, wiping away a drop of water from its innocent face. He ran his fingers through a whole patch, appreciating the coolness of each individual blade coming in contact with his skin. Sirius did the same, eventually bringing his hand over to Remus's. He rested his palm on top of Remus's hand, which was still embracing the overlooked beauty of the grass. Remus smiled. A crooked but pure smile. The kind that you barely notice but can't contain. The only kind that is capable of glowing in the dark.
At the sight of the edges of Remus's mouth raising just slightly to express a meek smile, Sirius grinned. He turned excitedly to face the sky then rolled onto his back to admire the few stars that dared twinkle before the moon had the chance. Remus copied him silently.
"And the breeze," Sirius inhaled profoundly, letting the deep breath resonate louder than the wind. "So clean, so cool. So reliable, but not at all consistent." He exhaled. "And it's playful enough to brush through your soft fur and creep down to your skin, refreshing you with each blow." As he spoke he ran his fingers through the chaotic waves and curls of Remus's hair, enjoying their silky brush against his fingers much like he had enjoyed that of the grass just a few moments before.
Remus shut his eyes, listening for the sage murmur of the breeze. And in almost an instant, a gust of wind, the strongest one he had felt so far, swept across him, chilling and soothing his skin all at once. He took a deep breath in, embracing the hypnotizing sensation of Sirius's fingers brushing through his hair along with the understanding whistle of the wind.
"And Moony?" Sirius dropped his hand, leaving it to rest just next to Remus's blushing face.
Remus granted Sirius a vulnerable gaze. The lovely twinkle of the few brave stars danced in his teary eyes.
"You don't have to," Sirius pushed himself off his elbows to sit upright. "But if you're willing," he pulled his knees to his chest, holding them close. "The moon is..." he looked for the right word, "...radiant."
Remus shut his eyes tight and one of the many tears that had been sitting on the brink of his eyelid for quite a while, finally dropped, slowly slipping its way down his frosty cheek. The teardrop left a streak that marked its path on Remus's face, inviting the moonlight to glow along the streak gracefully. Remus sat up, eyes still closed. He copied Remus's stance, pulling his knees close to his chest and still being careful not to let his eyes open yet, not even slightly.
Remus let out a shaky, unsure breath and Sirius shifted closer to him. He wrapped one arm around Remus's shoulders and rested another against Remus's chest. He pressed his forehead to Remus's head and his nose to Remus's cheek.
"I'm right here, Moony," another whisper too shy to catch the breeze's attention.
Slowly and carefully, Remus let his delicate gaze rest on the intimidating glow of the moon. Now, it had risen almost half way up to its peak. No matter how steadily he opened his eyes, the light leapt into them, flooding in without so much as a whisper of hesitation. He winced at the sudden rush of light against his fragile gaze. But once he looked at it for a second, he couldn't look away. Its gentle authority over the night sky and its persuading glow that convinced the stars to shine alongside it without distracting from its beauty, were enough to entrance anyone who dared to look at it for even half a second. Its intimidation shined brightly, but its beauty shined brighter. He had only ever witnessed the moon to be a symbol he should fear. One that would take from him everything to which he so desperately clung in the light of day. But now, with Sirius by his side, holding him tighter than ever, it was a glowing orb of vibrance and subtlety all at once. Its grace was alluring. So much so that every leaf, every pond, every eye of every creature, all reciprocated its reflection admiringly. It was truly beautiful.
Still gazing up in awe of the moon he had never before been able to see, Remus spoke. "Thank you." Another rare tear found its way down Remus's cheek.
"Of course."
Remus was just barely able to pull his eyes away from the brilliant spectacle of the moon. He turned his face to Sirius, who was already looking over at him admiringly. Remus lifted one hand from his knees to hold Sirius's cheek in his palm. Sirius smiled shyly. Even more beautiful and more sparkling than the moon were his eyes. They glistened not only a striking blue that never failed to amaze Remus but also the undying affection that Sirius had for him. Looking into his eyes, Remus didn't doubt for a second- against all his self-loathing and difficulty with trust- that Sirius loved him. He pulled Sirius into a soft kiss and ran his fingers through his beautiful hair. Sirius didn't hesitate to return the kiss, moving his hand from his own knees to rest on the nape of Remus's neck.
Against the hypnotic allure of the moon, the two sat, lost in one another's embrace.
They separated, leaning their foreheads against one another's once again, smiling right into each other's lips, not an inch apart. When Remus spoke, Sirius's breath hitched. He had heard the words a million times before. But still, every syllable of the phrase flowed from Remus's lips so poetically each and every time, never failing to take away Sirius's breath.
"I love you, Sirius Black."
"And I you."