_____
Brooke couldn’t quite shake the words of a Joan Baez song that Peyton was always humming out of her head from the moment she woke up that day - she drove to Karen’s to grab a cuppa before going to school. Big day, today. First week of senior year, her first meeting at Model UN. It was a bit uncanny of her, this new persona she found in herself during the prior year. Being student council president was… Fulfilling. Meaningful. It made her life worth something.
She’d never felt that way before.
So, her nerves had been wrecking her. For weeks. She’d caught up on what the club had been working on and put some effort to educate herself on those matters. It meant going out less, but she ended up spending more time with Peyton, who’d been quite happy with being out of trouble ever since breaking up with the Fall Out Boy guy. All the Luke-and-Jake mess seemed to have happened in another life. Peyton had been laughing more, and drawing more, and seemed less… broody, lately.
They spent most of the summer inside the house, in their bedroom, reading, watching old movies and drinking iced tea. As Larry had never bought the twin beds he promised, they kept on sharing Peyton’s bed.
Or, well, Peyton ended up sleeping on a small, narrow part of it, all squeezed, while half of Brooke’s limbs were thrown over her and the other half usually were plastered diagonally on the mattress. It amused Peyton, even though her back turned out to be sore some days.
That same morning, Peyton woke up alone with a stiff neck and a note from Brooke written on her palm with a permanent marker pen.
Couldn’t wait for u - too anxious!
See u later.
B
Peyton smiled at her friend’s silliness and grabbed her phone to send her a text. I should have taken you, will make up for it! Good luck B Davis <3, she typed quickly before jumping into the shower.
Which brings her to where she is - this kind-of-empty hallway, pacing up and down, waiting for the Model UN meeting to end. Her stomach is making all sorts of movements inside her belly, which is something that she can’t quite name. She’s probably worried about Brooke; it was unlike her to really try doing something she wanted to, because she always thought she’d fail.
Peyton realizes, then, that she thought Brooke would fail, too. It embarrasses her how much she has underestimated her best friend over the last couple of years. She couldn’t figure out how she could love someone that much but never believe in her. Brooke had been needing her more than ever, and she was the one failing. She feels her ears burn the second the door opens and the students start to get out of the room, still chatting about the meeting and the plans for the year.
Brooke walks out holding her arms in front of her body, a shy smile on her lips as she engages in conversation with someone Peyton doesn’t know - a talk, broad-shouldered girl whose short brown hair has a 90s vibe to it, like a female version of Hugh Grant, except for the big brown eyes. The girl is wearing a flannel and there is a rainbow pin on her backpack strap. She laughs at something Brooke mutters and her hand touches Brooke’s shoulder lightly. Peyton sees it as Brooke blushes.
“Hey,” Peyton calls her out awkwardly, a lopsided grin as Brooke gets closer. Brooke seems to be suddenly startled, but the next second she smiles back, all teeth and dimples. “How was it?”
“Hi!” Brooke says. She gives a little jump. Peyton feels something weird - is it vertigo? Her insides feel like she’s in a rollercoaster. Odd, she thinks. “It was incredible! We discussed which are going to be our agenda for the year, but we haven’t decided which country we’ll be just yet, Robin was just telling me— Oh. Sorry. This is Robin Barnes, she’s leading the diversity group this year.”
Oh. Right. Some junior. A nerd. Peyton stops herself— no reason to be mean. You were not mean to Haley, said that little voice inside her head. Right. I’ll be nice. I’ll be cool, even. I’ll shake her hand. It’s okay that Brooke is friends with a diversity leader. Of course. Shows some character. Right values as a Democrat, and all. She herself feels the same way in regards to human rights, of course.
Of course.
She does actually a lot less about it.
Well, that one time last year she did wear a t-shirt with DYKE written on it in red.
So, that’s something.
Robin seems to really be gay, though.
Um. Peyton considers herself a free spirit.
She doesn’t think too much about it, though, because then Robin is giving her an effusive handshake, huge grin and everything else, and she starts saying something Brooke seems to be really interested in, and Peyton feels a bit small.
She saves the chocolate truffles she’d bought for Brooke for later. They hug goodbye because the bell rings and, well, they’ve got classes to attend.
Brooke, 11:08am: What did u think
Brooke, 11:09am: Did u like her
Peyton feels her phone vibrating inside the pocket of her jacket but she forces herself to concentrate on what Mr. Edwards, the Calculus teacher, is saying. It already makes zero sense and she doesn’t need distractors.
Brooke, 11:17am: ????
Peyton, 11:24am: Sorry. Got caught up on a assignment
Peyton, 11:26am: Yeah, Robin’s fine
Brooke, 11:26am: That’s all??
Brooke, 11:26am: She’s so COOL
Peyton doesn’t reply.
***
They eat lunch at the cafeteria and go to the afternoon classes, the rest of the school day uneventful, except for a bubbly thing going on with Brooke every time she opens her phone.
“What?” Peyton asks, curious, trying to read over her shoulder.
“It’s nothing. Robin said she’d text me to let me know about some papers she’s read recently and she just did.” Brooke replies nonchalantly, too distracted with her phone to look back and notice Peyton’s body stiffening.
“Oh. Right.” Peyton mumbles, looking away. She feels it as her heartbeat races like crazy.
She’s felt like this before. This can’t be happening, she thinks. This is not happening, she repeats to herself.
This has happened so many times before. She hates it. She tells herself it’ll pass. It’s hard to ignore that she can’t really remember it passing before.
She feels her neck get hot. She turns away - not that she needs to, because Brooke isn’t even looking at her - and presses the bridge of her nose.
“C’mon, let’s go home.” Peyton says, nudging Brooke’s shoulder.
The drive home is filled with Brooke’s little laughs and Peyton’s sighs. As they get home, Brooke rambles on about her student council tasks for the year and, at some point, she seems to get a bit timid to go on.
Peyton, who’s been making some stir fried chicken for them to dine, raises a brow. “What?”
“Huh?” Brooke asks, biting her lip, her hand fidgeting with a bracelet she’s wearing.
“Why did you stop talking?” Peyton asks again, trying some of the food to check the salt. Brooke looks at her hesitantly and then sits on the counter, her legs swinging. Peyton walks closer, letting her hands rest on Brooke’s knees, and looks her in the eye. “What’s going on?”
“I’ve been thinking about college. About my majors.”
Peyton grins at her, her hands on Brooke’s face in an impulse. “Brooke! That’s great!”
“Yeah… But what if I fail, P. Sawyer?” Brooke asks in a small voice, her hands on Peyton’s wrists. “Besides, I need you.”
“I’ll go with you. Wherever.” Peyton whispers quickly, smirking at her. “After all, you need someone to cook you dinner while you work on some political science essay.”
Brooke’s smile in response could light up the whole neighborhood. Peyton turns around to take care of dinner without being able to hold back the smirk.
“Brooke,” she calls out while serving their plates. Brooke looks at her curiously as she grabs a fork and eats a mouthful. “You won’t fail.”
Brooke gives her a crooked smile, still chewing, and entwines their fingers. Peyton feels her own fingers tremble. She takes a deep breath and starts eating, trying to manage with only one hand.
Brooke tells her she plans on taking Econ and Political Science as her double major, as Fashion Design is not something she needs to formally study, necessarily. Peyton asks if she’s thinking of going somewhere specific.
“Anywhere they accept me, really.” Brooke says, taking the plates to the sink and starting to wash them. “Would you really go with me?”
“Wasn’t it always the plan? I’d never survive college without my Brooke.”
Brooke looks at her with welled up eyes and nods briefly before concentrating on the dishes. Peyton feels the air get weight and faces her feet. She excuses herself then, saying she’ll take a shower and wait for Brooke upstairs. She wants to punch herself as she hears what she’s said.
But Brooke just nods again.
When Peyton gets out of the bathroom, Brooke’s already lying down on the bed, typing at her phone, that same lip-biting smirk she always had on when she had a crush on someone. Peyton can feel her stomach dropping, again feeling like she’s on a rollercoaster. When she lies beside Brooke, she grabs her own phone, checking it for texts from their friends and replying to some from Haley. Her ears are focused on how Brooke’s giggling. She feels them burning. She tries focusing on whatever Haley is saying again, but being witness to the whole flirting thing going on between Brooke and Robin makes it impossible. So she just gives up and rolls over her stomach, putting a pillow over her head and trying to get some sleep. A couple of minutes later, she feels it as Brooke turns the lamp off. She hears it when she puts her phone away.
“Hey P. Sawyer.”
“Mm?”
“Wait for me, won’t you,” Brooke mutters, resting her head on Peyton’s chest, an arm over her stomach, her nose touching the crook of Peyton’s neck. Peyton’s arm moves on its own and wraps itself around Brooke’s waist, her fingers brushing against smooth skin. “G’night.”
Goddamn.
***
Some weeks later, they’re at the River Court, both working on some sketches. Brooke’s been developing some business outfits for her Model UN meetings, and Peyton’s been… Doodling, really. She feels all over the place. It’s hard for her to draw anything concrete these days. She feels awfully hypersensitive, like she might just blow out at any second. She tries really hard not to think how that might have something to do with Brooke dating Robin Barnes.
She knew it would happen.
She’d seen it all before, after all.
She’d reacted exactly the same the last time.
Except that, this time, she understood that she didn’t have feelings for the third person.
She didn’t feel this way because she wanted to date Robin instead of Brooke.
It’s just that– They haven’t done a lot together lately. Brooke’s been… Busy. Model UN meetings had started happening more than once a week, and then she had the company and the fashion events, and cheer practice, and a new girlfriend … Very quickly, they met during History classes, cheer practice, and sleep time. Peyton had started eating dinner alone, because Brooke ended up getting home late almost every day.
I feel like we’re drifting apart, she thinks right then as she watches Brooke sketch. This moment at the River Court was a rare exception for them these days. They were almost never alone. So she tries to really be there, to really pay attention at how Brooke’s moving, at how a strand of hair can’t stay tucked behind her ear, at how she furrows her brow and bites her tongue as she draws a pencil skirt, at how her left hand rests on paper as her right hand works…
“I love your hands,” Peyton blurts out before she’s able to stop herself. Her ears get hot immediately. Brooke seems startled at that. She drops her pen, unable to focus for a second, and squats to get it. When she sits back beside Peyton, her cheeks get warm, too.
“Thanks.” She says, her voice hoarse. Peyton nods, a toothy grin forming, and she reaches a hand out to take Brooke’s. She brings her hand closer, examining it. Brooke’s eyes widen, her breath hitched as she watches Peyton. “You’re acting weird.”
“I’ve been missing you.” Peyton says in what she intends to be a casual tone but is not quite. Brooke sighs. She’s seen it coming, too, considering their history. She can’t help but feel a bit angry.
“Is it Robin? You’re into her, too?” She asks, taking her hand back. Tension weighs them down, too much past turning into present.
“What! Of course not–” Peyton fires back, heartache getting the best of her. “Forget I said anything.” She mumbles, getting up and gathering her stuff, shoving everything back inside her backpack and walking away.
She doesn’t look back when Brooke calls her name.
***
“Look, I have no idea what is going on between you and Brooke, but please get a grip during the game, alright? We can’t lose this one, Peyton.” Nathan says as they walk into the school court the following Friday. It’d been two days since Brooke accused her of being into Robin, two days of Brooke sleeping at Robin’s place, two days of them not speaking. People were starting to notice. “Why can’t you be okay whenever she’s dat– Fuck.”
Peyton just stares at him, petrified. “What?”
“You like her.” He says, a knowing smirk creeping on his lips. She feels blood rushing to her cheeks and ears. She takes a step back and gives him an eyeroll.
“Duh. She’s my best friend.”
“Don’t fucking think you can fool me, Sawyer, you want to get into her pants.” His smirk turns into a grin as he says it, as if he’d just had an eureka moment. “Shit, that explains so much about how you behaved during sex–”
“Shut it.” Peyton hisses, scratching the back of her neck and letting her eyes scan the room to see if anyone was listening to them. “You’re too full of yourself, Nate.”
“You gotta tell her. From what I’ve heard, Barnes is a catch. You might lose your shot if you don’t say anything.”
“I don’t have a shot.”
“Only losers think that way, Peyton. And only a fool can’t see how she looks at you.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, but you do.” He says, spinning his basketball on a finger and walking away. “You know you do.”
Peyton bites her thumb, sighing in response. As White whistles for them to go get ready for the game, she heads back to the changing room.
The Ravens end up winning the game, which leads everyone to Tric afterwards, to dance and drink and celebrate. And it would have been great, really, if Brooke and Robin hadn’t spent the whole night making out. Peyton spent most of the night with her friends, joking with Luke about Nathan and Haley and taking furtive glances at Brooke from time to time. She could feel her blood practically boiling inside her veins. She clicks her tongue, laughing bitterly when she sees Robin grab a fistful of Brooke’s hair, and Brooke holds her shoulders tightly. Her friends follow her eyes as she empties her glass. The other three share a knowing look.
“Alright, sweetie, this is an intervention.” Haley says, holding both of her hands out to grab Peyton’s wrists. Lucas and Nathan just nod in support, looking at her in a mix of compassion and worry. “This can’t happen again.”
“There is nothing happening.” Peyton hisses, her nostrils widening.
“Sweetie, we know you’re in love with her. It’s very obvious, really. We just wanna help.” Haley adds, her thumbs rubbing the back of Peyton’s hands carefully. Peyton feels her eyes get teary because Haley’s tenderness is unexpected, even if it’s typical of her. Lucas clears his throat and comes closer.
“As someone who’s been through this with you two… It’s not fair on anyone to keep it a secret.”
“Brooke is in love with Robin.” Peyton whispers,quickly wiping stubborn tears. Lucas chuckles.
“She’s not. She looks at Robin just like she looked at me. She never looked at me like she looks at you.”
“She doesn’t look at me in a partic–”
“Sweetie, Brooke looks at you like you’re the only person in the room, in every room.” Haley says, squeezing Peyton’s hand. “In fact, she’s doing it right now.”
Peyton looks up, startled, to find hazel eyes worriedly looking back at her. She waves weakly and, furrowing a brow, Brooke waves back. She grabs her phone and starts typing.
Brooke, 00:43am: Are u ok? Saw u crying
Peyton, 00:43am: Yeah. Gonna head home
Peyton, 00:44am: See u there?
Brooke, 00:44am: I’m coming with u
A moment later, Brooke has said her goodbyes to Robin and their friends, and her hands are into Peyton’s, and she’s pulling her outside, and she’s grabbing the keys to the Comet, and she’s driving it, and Peyton can’t stop crying because she’s there. She’s taking care of her, as she usually does. She’s taking charge. She feels seen.
She feels awful for that.
She cries harder.
Brooke walks her to their room and makes her sit on the bed.
She kneels down in front of her and puts her hands on hers.
“What is going on?” She asks softly. Peyton shakes her head, sobbing. “Baby, what happened?”
“I… I feel so stupidly selfish.” Peyton says simply. She puts her hands over her face, and then Brooke’s hands are on her neck, her fingertips fondling the back of her neck, running through her curls.
“You’re not selfish.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Then talk to me.” Brooke whispers that in a cracking voice. A tear falls down her cheek, but she doesn’t care to wipe it off because she’s still rubbing Peyton’s neck.
“I made you cry already.”
“No. Stop it. Talk to me.” Brooke says again, her voice firmer this time, her hands now on Peyton’s cheeks, making her face her. “Is it Robin?”
“God—” Peyton blinks rapidly, giving a bitter laugh, and reaches out for a cigarette. Brooke stands up, her hands inside her back pockets, and she sighs and takes a deep breath before talking again.
“Look, Peyton, I can break up with her if you like her… I don’t wanna go through last–”
“No! Don’t. You deserve someone like her. She’s so nice, so… Unproblematic.” Peyton replies quickly, interrupting her mid sentence. “You both deserve each other. You’ve got a whole new life.” She adds, and she feels her throat start to ache again. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks.” Brooke whispers in a small voice. She wipes a tear and just keeps on looking at Peyton hesitantly. Peyton smirks sadly and steps into the closet to change into her PJs.
“I’m gonna get some sleep, if that’s okay.”
Brooke nods back and turns around, now looking outside with an unreadable expression that perhaps dawn could help Peyton to understand.
***
As the morning comes, Peyton wakes up alone in bed. It’s not a surprise, exactly, but she still feels a pang in the chest as she gets up and gets ready to face what she could only imagine would be a lonely Sunday. As she walks downstairs, she can see Brooke is home,, because the vinyl player is on, and she put on a Joan Baez album, and there is this song Baez wrote to Bob Dylan about love and courage and forgiveness playing. I'll put flowers at your feet and I will sing to you so sweet, and hope my words will carry home to your heart.
What a lovely thing to say to a selfish bastard who has wronged you.
She feels guilty.
As she walks into the kitchen, Brooke’s there, drinking coffee and looking at the huge pile of pancakes she’s cooked. Peyton can’t help the silly grin from spreading through her lips.
“Hey.” She says carefully. Brooke looks up. Peyton can see her eyes are red and puffy. She gives her a sad smile and takes a bite. “You okay?”
“I… Couldn’t sleep.” Brooke replies in a tired voice. Peyton reaches her hand out and touches hers, her thumb making circles on her palm. Brooke looks at it without blinking.
“What happened?”
“Why don’t you tell me the truth?” She asks. Before Peyton can answer, though, she says, “I broke up with Robin this morning.”
Peyton looks at her, shocked. “You–?”
“This feels messy. I don’t want that again.” She says. She looks miserable. Peyton feels guilt rushing up.
“It’s not that– I don’t want Robin.” Peyton says, her voice a bit desperate. “I guess I was jealous because I didn’t want to share you.”
Brooke faces her then, apparently surprised, a flicker of something she can’t name in her expression.
“You never do. And neither do I. That’s what best friends feel, isn’t it?”
Peyton closes her eyes forcefully. “Is it?” She asks. When she opens her eyes again, Brooke’s cheeks are rosy, and she’s biting her lower lip like a child who’s been found eating ice cream before dinner.
“Is it?” Brooke replies with the same question, a discreet smile twitching the sides of her mouth upwards. Peyton can feel her face doing the same thing.
“This scares me to death.” She says slowly. Her hands, on their own accord, brush against Brooke’s face. She feels it as she shudders under her fingertips.
“Same.”
“Haley and the boys told me to tell you about it yesterday. That’s why I was crying.”
“About what?” Brooke asks in a teasing voice. She smirks smugly. Peyton laughs nervously, her ears warm. She rolls her eyes. Brooke giggles, rubbing her nose against hers, brushing her lips on Peyton’s lips. Peyton kisses her then, tentatively, anxiously. Brooke sighs into her mouth, her fingers scratching Peyton’s scalp and bringing her closer. They let their foreheads rest against each other as their hands touch and squeeze and slide. Brooke giggles again, giving her a peck on the lips. “Oh. Right. About this .”
Peyton laughs briefly before turning serious again. “I don’t want to hide this anymore, Brooke.”
“I don’t, either.”
“I’m in love with you.”
“Duh.” Brooke jokes. “Samesies.”
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