Chapter 1: First Encounter
DRACO MALFOY
‘‘All sins tend to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is damnation’’
W. H. Auden
I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror, straightening a few wrinkles on my suit.
I was twenty three now, but I barely looked like it. If anything, I still looked like I was seventeen. Maybe even younger.
It’s not that my genes were as good as to keep me from ageing like a normal human being. But my life, or lack of it, really, had been going downfall for a long time now.
The truth is that, throughout my life, I had never really cared whether I lived or died.
Years went by, while I just stood by the side, watching my youth slip away from my fingers.
As my teenage years turned into the first traces of adulthood, I felt myself grow even more indifferent about my own fate.
I had experienced fear, of course. The cause of it had never been my own - possible - loss of vitality, though. I had always feared I would lose the only person I had ever cared about.
Mother.
But after a few years, I had even lost that fear.
I no longer cared if she left me by myself in this world. After all, what had she done to save me?
It took me a few years to realize that the reason I had never feared death was I had nothing to lose. Even if my mother died, it wouldn’t have changed a bit how I felt about myself.
Of course, I would mourn her but I knew I was enough of a coward to carry on living this monotone thing people dared to call life.
And as time went by and I slowly reckoned - to myself, at least - that even she had used me, I realized I had always been their puppet.
Well, how she liked to call me: their last hope.
During my last years at Hogwarts, I had tried to grasp, in a futile attempt, my last traces of independence and freedom. Despite this, I still reckon up to these days that it was a battle already lost.
You see, I had never been the master of my own fate.
And, since I wasn’t the captain of my own ship, why would I care whether it sank or it floated?
This feeling of emptiness had accompanied me throughout most of my adulthood. At first, I would tell myself I was feeling despair and hollowness, two nouns that had nothing to do with how I was truly feeling.
The truth is I was feeling nothing at all.
I had stopped feeling all at once right after the war had ended and I’d come to realize the damage I had caused.
The sins I had so proudly committed without second thought.
For the first months, I’d felt embarrassed. I’d thought about ways to reconcile any human relationship I could have ever harbored at Hogwarts but I had quickly discarded that thought as I realized I had never had any true friends at all.
Blaise Zabini maybe, but I knew I’d be seeing him again soon due to our parents’ friendship.
Then, I realized, I had no one to care for me. And, just like that, I assumed the best for me was to simply hide myself (not that I had any other option with my father’s questionable life choices) from everyone, including my own mother.
It all started slow, though.
First, I developed a strange aversion towards food.
That aversion soon turned into some kind of social phobia that would restrain me from going outside even to our garden.
I had offered myself voluntarily to the Ministry, asking them (no, begging them) to take me to Azkaban.
But still, for them I was, in my mother’s words, just a boy. Someone who did not deserve any punishment for the atrocities that had taken place during war.
For a long time I thought it would have been better if I had received any punishment for all my wrongdoings. Maybe, just maybe, after I was finally freed from Azkaban, after serving a short stay that would ‘set my ideas straight’, people would’ve been able to forgive me.
But still I received no punishment other than ‘go, hide yourselves until this calms down’.
So, since no other force had decided to make me pay for my sins, I decided to punish myself. After all, I had brought this on myself so who has better to punish me than my own mind?
So I lived like this: hidden in my own bedroom at the Manor, barely leaving it once a day to grab a piece of fruit or nothing at all. And just like that my already thin body had become even thinner and my already pale skin was almost translucent now.
Until one day I decided I needed to leave this place.
Not my room, not the Malfoy Manor. The magical world itself.
I needed to get out of this self-imposed prison and also out of the world that had learned to despise me.
And so like that, I started going into the Muggle world.
Mother had hated it in the beginning. She couldn’t believe me when I told her I was actually enjoying my casual outings into the world they both had taught me to despise.
Father didn’t know, of course.
Not that it mattered, really.
After our trials, both mother and I had been exempted from going to Azkaban due to our last minute decision to back away from the battle.
Father hadn’t had the same luck.
He spent a few years, two, to be exact, in prison. And, after that, he was condemned to spend a few hours a day working as an assistant to everyone in need at the Ministry.
I still laugh about that.
The grandiose Lucius Malfoy being reduced into a mere assistant. And whose assistant he was: no other than the oh so glorious Harry Potter.
I had never really liked Potter, even after the war, but even I had to admit this was funnier than I had ever expected it to be.
As I left my bedroom, I could feel my mother’s presence right behind me.
‘’Draco’’ - she said in a firm tone.
I stopped in the middle of the hallway but I did not turn to look at her. I waited patiently for her to speak, although I already knew what she was going to say.
‘‘Are you… are you going out? To the Muggle world?’’
I nodded stiffly, standing up straight and closing my eyes.
I wasn’t particularly excited about these small talks my mother used to initiate everyday, right before I was about to leave to the Muggle side.
‘‘The Greengrass have written to us… Again. They want to know if we’re still interested in the marriage arrangement I told you a month ago. Have you… thought about it, maybe?’’.
To this, I turned around abruptly.
‘’I have, actually. The answer’s no. You may write to them now, while I leave, and tell them that they’ll have to find someone else for their daughter Astoria to marry.’’
I spun on my heels quickly, grabbing the railing with force as I descended the stairs towards the dining room.
Of course mother wasn’t concerned about my health, my appearance or my depression, even. She just wanted to know if I was still a puppet she could use in order for our family (our poor intent of one) to survive.
As I hurried down the stairs and crossed the dining room, I heard my mother running behind me.
‘‘Draco, son… Wait!’’
I couldn’t leave her like that.
I hated my parents, I loathed them completely with every fiber of my body, but my mother… I still had a soft spot for her. Something I couldn’t help.
I turned around once again and, this time, I stared at her. Her body seemed frail and broken, her eyes had some wrinkles around them and her hair looked messy and tangled all together. I had never seen my mother this way before.
‘‘Just… Take care, will you?’’
I smiled falsely, as I kissed her forehead slightly.
‘’I will, mother’’.
And just like that, I apparated to the usual lonely alley in a deserted street in London.
I took a peek at my watch, surprising myself as I realized I had escaped the Manor earlier than usual. It was 8:30 in the morning and it was getting colder and colder every second.
I started wandering around the usual streets I would walk around every time I came to this side of town.
During my trips to the Muggle side, I would usually walk around observing - studying - Muggles.
They would dress in the most disveshaled ways I had ever seen, their fashion consisting of several layers of cheap clothing on top of each other.
On my first trip, I recall having felt this usual feeling of disgust while walking among Muggles. I had always believed them to be inferior, and I remember regretting my lame choice of travelling to this underworld they would call home.
Despite that, I kept visiting every two weeks with the excuse of 'finding something to study and keep my mind busy'.
The truth is I wasn't doing any studying at all. I actually enjoyed walking among Muggles, visiting their museums or libraries, going to their parks and even eating their food.
I had never had a sweet tooth but I did have to admit their candy tasted better than ours anyways. Not so sweet, not so tricky.
It was something different, something I never knew I craved for.
It had started snowing when I met her for the first time.
We were in the middle of December, so snow and withering cold were common.
I usually restrained myself from going to their coffee shops, as I knew I could mess up any attempt to hide myself as a wizard.
Walking silently among Muggles was one thing, now talking to them...
Anyhow, it was actually really cold and I couldn't help but blame myself for not bringing enough clothing. I had left the Manor in such a hurry, desperate to escape from mother and her constant whimpering, that I had completely forgotten to grab a pair of gloves or a warmer coat.
Sighing, I entered a coffee shop to guard myself from the cold. I always chose the same store: The Green Bean.
It was particularly small and it was never crowded. Muggles would come inside quickly, grab a coffee 'on the go' (an expression I had learnt it meant taking the coffee with you as you walked) and simply walk away.
Quite on the contrary, I would often sit there and stare at all the different Muggles that came inside, hurrying to buy their coffee and sprint to their, what I assumed, jobs.
Thankful for my brilliant idea to exchange some galleons into some of their money, I strutted over to the cashier.
I had already mastered the art of ordering beverages in the muggle world so I knew I didn’t look as awkward as I did on my first time here.
I would simply approach the cashier, ask for a black coffee (the only infusion I dared to try), pay and wait for my coffee to be brought.
The cashier was a grown up woman, probably in her 40s, who was a little plump and had red hair. She had freckles all over her face, wore big, round glasses (that reminded me a little too much about Potter) and her apron was stained with coffee spots.
As this was, essentially, an 'on the go' coffee shop, all of the cups and mugs were actually disposable. They were made of some kind of material that, once you had finished your coffee, you could simply throw it in the nearest trash can.
This caused me irrepressible anger. Had Muggles lost their minds completely? Hadn't they heard about crockery? Cups? Plates? Porcelain?
As I paid for my cup of coffee and waited for it by the bar, I saw her.
She entered hurriedly, almost running. Her pale skin was tainted with a subtle blush around her cheeks, as she had, probably, ran to The Green Bean.
Her hair was different shades of brown, a little tangled and messy but wavy and long. She wasn’t tall at all, she was quite short actually and her body was curvy. She looked petite and almost fragile.
She was wearing glasses and a puffy scarf around her neck, and she hurriedly approached the cashier.
I couldn’t catch her eyes until she suddenly took a look around the store and stopped to meet mine for a second.
They were brown. Deep, chocolate brown.
They were the most beautiful pair of eyes I had seen in my entire life and I felt myself getting caught in their depth.
Suddenly, all I could think about was this mysterious muggle that had caught my attention deeply. I needed to know about her, I needed to hear her voice.
I stared at her intently as she approached the cashier with a smile.
“Rosie!” - the cashier exclaimed happily - “How strange to see you here this late! The usual, hun?”
Ah, so her name was Rosie. I celebrated inwardly this small piece of information that had been granted to me.
The girl’s smile widened as she took her wallet out of her backpack.
“Agh, I slept in… Again. Richard’s going to kill me one of these days.” - she laughed - “And although I’d love a chococcino, sadly I’m just having a black coffee today. It’s the end of the month, you see, and my wallet is as empty as the shop at midnight.” She laughed again.
Her laugh… Her voice. They sounded like bells on my ears and it felt as if I’d been greeted at the gates of Heaven once and for all.
The cashier looked at her disapprovingly.
“No, no. I’m not letting you get a cheap coffee just because you have no money, girl. This one’s on me”
Rosie’s eyes widened as she started waving her hands exaggeratedly.
“Darla… Please. You can’t keep paying for my coffees every end of the month. I want a black coffee and that’s it.”
What a strange thing kindness was. My first sentiment when I saw this short but sweet exchange between the two girls was surprise with curiosity. Rosie and this Darla were both being kind to each other with no other intention other than their friendship. They cared about each other.
I took a second look at Rosie in order to appreciate her appearance a bit more.
She was, indeed, a beautiful woman. And not because my opinion was biased, but also because there were already three different men staring at her across the shop.
I tried suppressing the wave of anger and jealousy that quickly took over me. Draco Malfoy jealous? Being jealous over a girl he had just met? A muggle, even?
Rosie’s body was small but she had all the necessary curves in the right places.
Although this was not something any gentleman would do, I reckon, I couldn’t help but look at her legs which were muscled and toned. She had a nice body indeed (not that it mattered anyways).
She was wearing a pair of black pants, a green sweater (that filled me with pride after seeing her wearing my House’s colours so elegantly) and she had an enormous backpack that looked heavy. She was holding three (three!) books on one hand and her wallet on the other one.
“Rosie, it’s freezing outside. You need the calories, you always pass out when the weather gets like this. I’m buying it for you and that’s my final word. Next!” - this Darla screamed as she ignored Rosie’s grunts and looked at the other customer right behind Rosie.
And just like that, as I grabbed my cup of coffee, Rosie was standing right next to me, waiting for her… Chococcino? What the hell was that?
She looked at me again and gave me a sincere and small smile. She smiled at me.
I couldn’t stop my heart from beating faster and faster as Rosie kept her eyes on me and her small smile on her face.
What was happening to me? I’d never felt this way before.
It seemed as if someone had slipped a love potion on my coffee, but I was completely sure that was not the case.
Still, for those few seconds I shared with this Rosie girl, all I could feel was love. Not attraction, but pure love. I could not help the rush of love that overcame me and the sudden urge to protect this young girl with everything I had. I felt as if I had met Rosie a hundred years ago, as if we had already met and spent all of our lives together.
I knew her already.
As I’d said a thousand times, I had never in my life felt this way before.
The feeling overcame me and took me by surprise, making me forget about all of my troubles, all about myself.
Suddenly, all I could feel was this sudden urge not only to protect her but the need to be by her side. Was I dying? Was I finally leaving Earth?
I gripped the cup with force, and I tried to keep a straight face as I looked at her but the moment I stared into those eyes a thousand images went flying through my mind.
I saw Rosie laughing, then crying. I saw her running and I saw flying on a broom. I saw her hugging my mother, I saw her hugging a little girl. I saw her grabbing my wand with curious eyes, and I saw her scared. I saw us together, holding hands and laughing together.
I saw myself happy, I saw myself hugging her strongly. I saw the two of us running across a meadow with scared eyes.
I saw our life together.
And as quick as it started, it ended.
Rosie was standing in front of me, looking at me with her small smile.
‘‘Darla is crazy, isn’t she?’’ - she said.
And just like that, in that exact moment, I fainted.