Self Awareness
Dee usually kept to himself, but that morning he decided he'd spend more time in the main living space, leaving his comfort zone to possibly socialize. One thing he did clock while doing so was that his dad was being much more attentive towards his phone than usual. He decided not to think of it as a big deal, but took note of it.
Shortly after the window was being pushed open and Ches heaved himself into the room.
“Hey, hey! ‘Ya ready to go?” He said
sauntering over to Glam, setting a hand on his shoulder, leaning on him slightly. He shifted his gaze to Dee, waving before looking back at the taller man.
“Oh, haha, yes!” Glam hummed, crossing his arms behind his back and turning towards the door.
Dee's expression shifted a bit, Ches was there the same time a week ago. This implied he was on time for something, which was unusual. There was never a single time he'd ever seen Ches do such a thing, let alone doing it without letting words fall out of his mouth like drool. It all felt very uncharacteristic. He raised a brow a bit before waving back and looking at his phone. Maybe Heavy noticed something he didn't, something was off.
Glam had to spend yet another hour of his life going to a therapist, he already spent quite a bit of his free time on self reflection, what more did he need? It all felt invasive and unnecessary. Alas, he walked into the office for Ches, whether he really wanted to or not.
As he entered the room and sat down he assessed his surroundings, nothing had changed. He held his hands together on his lap, bracing for any prodding with a smile on his face.
“So, how have things been since our last session, Glam?” Sam asked, sitting across from the man.
“Good.” Glam chimed, his tone was chipper and he seemed to be overall fine, he wasn't as nervous as he was the week before.
Sam nodded. “That's nice, what made it good?” She added.
“It's the usual I suppose, I cleaned a little, played guitar, tutored, drew, listened to music, and spent time with my family. The standard.” He said with a chuckle, looking up and counting off on his fingers as he spoke.
“You tutor, so you are an educator?” Sam replied, turning her chair a bit to face her laptop and begin taking notes.
“Yes.” Glam said with a nod, clasping his hands back together in his lap.
“Do you enjoy your job?” She asked, swiveling her chair back to face him.
He crossed his legs, “Yes, if someone has the desire to learn then I am happy to teach.” he tilted his head to smize once he finished speaking, he was much more content than the first session.
“I see, and what does someone having the ‘desire to learn’ mean to you?” Sam queried.
“Well they should want to learn for the right reasons, for themselves and not for others. For instance if someone were to want to learn guitar I'd want them to put the time and effort in because it's something that makes them happy and that they are passionate about, not as something to impress others.” Glam replied, clasping his hands together and resting them on his knee.
The white noise machine filled any silence that was left, somehow making it feel longer than it was.
Sam moved on from the topic, trying to cover the basics in a timely manner. “Hm. So how has your family been?” She asked, swiveling her chair back and forth.
“They're doing alright, I believe. Heavy is struggling with math and Dee is distant but that's the usual. I typically spend a couple nights helping Heavy with his homework.” He replied, watching the chair turn repetitively.
“Why's that?” Sam asked.
“What are you referring to?” Glam questioned, his gaze shifting back to the woman's face.
“Do you know why Dee is distant?” She concluded, sitting still to look at Glam properly.
“Ah, Dee. Well, he's always preferred to keep to himself, he's usually pretty self sufficient. He spends time in common areas every once in a while, but again, he tends to keep to himself. He's very observant, it's a good characteristic.” Glam took a pause, moving his hand and tapping his chin with his index finger. “He was in the living room with me before I left.”
Sam nodded. “How often do the two of you spend time together?”
Glam squinted for a moment, until he found an answer. “Well, we have game night bi-weekly,” he looked away. “other times he tends to come to me for guidance, or opinions.” Glam gently pulled on a strand of hair, running his hands through it shortly after to put it back in place. He had to think for a moment, but no, he was sure it wasn't that.
Sam watched Glam’s body language, where his eyes glanced. She took note of it. “Maybe there's a standard he feels he needs to live up to?” Glam's demeanor was off. I mean when wasn't it, he was an odd man, but this time it felt different.
The room fell silent for a moment, Glam looked back at Sam, his typical smile falling as his face grew a bit more pensive.
“Well, why don't we leave it here for today, because it looks like your session is over.” Sam said.
Well that felt conveniently timed.
Glam walked out to Ches, who gave him a grin as he threw his arm around his shoulders, beginning to ramble on about something on the way out of the building. This followed with a not so quiet drive, Ches had bottled all he had to say and now instead of flowing out of his mouth it all gushed out in one big splash of the english dialect.
Glam's eyes crinkled mirthfully as he smiled, he couldn't help but enjoy listening to Ches maunder. Ches's voice had always been nice to hear, a certain comfort lingered in it.
Before Glam knew it Ches had walked around to the other side of the Panther and was opening his door for him, he must've gotten lost somewhere in Ches's words. He got himself out of the van and thanked his friend.
As they walked into the house Heavy poked his head out from another room, waiting anxiously for them to settle.
Heavy scampered over to his father. “Pap, where did you go?” He asked with a sort of urgency, his face showed it too.
“Oh! I just went to an appointment, that's all.” Glam replied.
Heavy looked over to Ches, who nodded, indicating there was nothing more to be added. Why the hell would pap need to go to an appointment two weeks in a row?
This concern sat with Heavy for the rest of the week, to say his thoughts weren't overall morbid would be a lie. But he wouldn't jump to conclusions, surely Glam didn't have another appointment, which means he was fine!
The following Sunday Heavy picked up on the same things Dee did, although he was never as experienced in observing others behavior he couldn't help but let it get to his head.
The same scheduled routine repeated as the weeks before, Glam and Ches said their goodbyes to the boy on the way out. Heavy furrowed his brow, this wasn't normal behavior, what were these appointments for?
He couldn't just sit around until it was too late.
The appointment started out the same as the ones prior, when the talking began was where things seemed to change.
“So, Glam. Last week we talked a bit about your family, correct?” Sam asked, getting straight back to the point.
Glam nodded.
“We talked about your son Dee, did you think about what I said last session?” Sam inquired, studying Glam's expression, and body language.
Glam glanced at the white noise machine beside the door. “No, I must've forgotten.” Glam said with a strained laugh.
“Is there a reason? Were you avoiding it?” Sam clicked a pen in her hand, Glam hadn't even seen her grab it.
Glam simply shrugged, looking up into a corner of the ceiling. Still, a smile remained on his face, no matter how uncomfortable the rest of him seemed.
Sam directed the question to something more specific. “In the last session you seemed discomforted when talking about Dee coming to you for your opinion, you seemed more tense when I mentioned standards. Why was that?”
“Well of course there have to be standards, success doesn't come without work and I don't want them to fail, or fall behind, or dishonor and disgrace themselves, or me. I know they can do well, so I push them to do so. ” Glam replied.
Sam cocked an eyebrow, swiveling her chair a bit to face Glam. “Dishonor, disgrace. Don’t those words feel harsh? Why use them?”
“Well, it's true.” Glam said, his voice edged with tension.
“So do you see your children as burdens, or embarrassments?” Sam asked, the question needed to be put out. Whether she knew the answer or not.
“Of course not, why would…” Glam paused with his mouth agape, he wanted something to rationalize, an explanation, but did he really have one.
Sam eyed her client skeptically. “Is there a reason you used those words then?”
Glam watched Sam's face for a moment, trying to muster up an answer. He mumbled.
“What? Sorry, I can't hear you.” Sam said.
“Bass.” Glam said, his tone was flat, almost devoid of emotion for that moment.
“Bass?” Sam asked, giving a look of uneasy puzzlement. Glam occasionally tended to obfuscate once in a while with his answers, but this took the cake.
Glam brought his attention to Sam, coming back from his state of disassociation. “What?” A few strands of hair fell out of place and hung in front of his face, his hands clasped together tightly.
“I was asking why you used those words.” Sam answered.
“I don't know.” Glam said.
“Do you not know or do you not want to talk about it?” Sam replied.
That question was quite reoccurring, was it really all that important?
“I don't believe it needs to be talked about.” Glam said, forming a smile on his face which was uncharacteristically absent during the rest of the conversation.
“No, you know it does, you're just scared of something. But we can move on for now. Maybe the standards you hold for your children are too high? Dee is coming to you because he thinks what you think matters, which is good, but it can also be a sign that he thinks he's disappointing you.” Sam said, wanting to move through the rest as gently as she could. A little can go a long way.
“I just love my sons and I want what's best for them.” Glam stated defensively.
“But do you show them that you love them?” Sam asked. She turned her chair and began typing on her computer, taking notes on the conversations they had, and Glam's overall reactions to certain words.
Glam shrunk in on himself, all he really wanted to do in the moment was laugh it off, move on, and never think about this session again. But what if she was right?
The rest of the session was blurry, so was the ride back home.
Glam went about his day with his usual schedule, but it felt as though he wasn't really there. He was stuck in his own head, considering possibilities, living through memories, a pattern that always felt inescapable.
“Glam!” Victoria shouted.
Glam shot his attention to his wife.
Her gaze softened. “Are you coming to bed?” She asked, Victoria had taken notice of Glam's actions. Something was off and she didn't like it.
“Oh, yes. I just need to shower, is that alright?” Glam said giving Vicky a gentle smile.
“Alright, well I'll be waiting so you better come back quick, yeah?” She joked, wanting to lighten the mood, maybe get a laugh, but she was instead met with a nod and a shut door.
Victoria sighed and waited.
Too many minutes had passed.
The water that hit Glam's back ran cold. He didn't budge. It had been years since he last sat down in the shower, and he tried to keep them efficient. He hadn't even taken his mascara off properly, the remainder of the cosmetic trailed down his cheeks. He didn't bother wiping it away, the only thing he could think to do with his hands was trail the scarring on his wrist.
Years were put into them, years of fear, anger, sadness, all because of failed expectations. The standards he was expected to live up to weren't real, simply a pillar that was mentioned but never really mattered. The expectations would always get higher, terrorizing him until his prayers were answered. Of course that never happened, that wasn't how it worked.
Would things get worse? Do his children feel the same fear he did? He surely thought not. He made sure they ate enough, he never hurt them, he made sure they had privacy, and comfort. Was it all for not? He ran his thumb over the disfigurement on his arm. If he didn't find a way to fix this would his children be subjected to the same shame, the same fear and suffocation? Would they get to the point in their lives that he was in and have the same disgusting reminder of their past? Glam almost felt sick, his face was hot, from tears and the nausea his fears were causing him. He dry heaved, this same sick feeling he had when too much blood ran down his arm. He laid on his side, tucking his head into his chest, holding his knees.
His sons, his babies were scared they weren't enough for him. He put his standards too high for them to reach. They don't look so high for him, but they're still small. What was he supposed to do? He didn't want to hurt them, he wouldn't let it happen.
He shivered, the water was cold, he stood up and wiped the mascara off, letting the water hit his face for a moment before climbing out and drying off.
He stared at himself in the mirror as he threw a robe over himself. The resemblance hurt much more than usual. He felt naive, painting his family with expectations he was once held to, never to think that when his sons pleaded for love he wasn't there.
He walked out of the bathroom, looking over at his bed. Victoria had fallen asleep waiting for him, the position she did so in did not seem comfortable either. Glam walked over and pulled the covers over his wife. She would have to wait longer, Glam knew lying down would only make things worse. He kissed Victoria on the cheek, and stared for a moment. Eventually he slipped out of the room, and headed down the stairs. It was too early to start breakfast, too late to clean.
He headed into his office, shutting the door behind him. He didn't even recall making it that far, alas he let himself fall into an old routine. He grabbed a record from his shelf, however instead of being what he usually preferred to listen to like Hanoi Rocks, or Twisted Sister, it was Beethoven. His body almost lifelessly followed a rhythm of placing the record on a record player, carefully putting the pin down and collapsing into his chair. It turned a bit as his weight fell into it, melting into the seat as the all too familiar melody began to play.
A man who was dead was living on in him, he felt cursed. Was this cycle bound to continue? Had Gustav ever sat and done what he was doing now? The man he swore he escaped years ago was in his home, and from the looks of it he'd always been there.
Glam sat up, setting his arms on his desk. Until now he never seemed to notice his actions, did Gustav ever consider that what he did was wrong? No, surely he didn't.
The cycle can't continue.
Glam looked over at the alarm clock on his desk through the gaps between his fingers. 6:00, everyone would be awake soon. He dragged his hand down his face, standing up and leaving the room. The record was left untouched, but that wasn't a priority at the moment.
What was he supposed to make for breakfast today? He stepped into the kitchen, walking to the cupboard. He wouldn't make oatmeal, that's for sure. Maybe eggs? It needed to be balanced. Eggs and what? He bought bacon not too long ago. Fiber, it needed fiber, a fruit, a vegetable, something. He walked to the fridge and opened it. He didn't recall buying strawberries, but it'll do fine.
6:30, Glam set everything on the proper plates. Dee would be downstairs soon, was it even a good idea to be there when the boys came down for breakfast? He looked awful, he could tell. He hadn't even gone upstairs to put on proper clothing, he was still wearing the same robe he put on after his shower with his usual pair of slippers. He wasn't sure about the state of his hair, he really didn't want to think about it. It wasn't until he heard footsteps that he came back to reality. He quickly readjusted his robe to be less out of place, making sure the sash was properly tied, then quickly fixed his hair to look at least half decent. Dee walked in and sat at the table, most of his attention stayed on his phone.
"Good morning, Dee." Glam improvised a smile, holding his hands behind him.
Dee looked up, his mouth opened as he began to respond but cut off when he saw his father. He was typically already wearing his clothes for the day by the time Dee was down stairs, what really threw him off was how tired he looked. From time to time he'd look a little haggard but still, something felt different.
"Good morning, dad." Dee finally said, he gave Glam a troubled look before beginning to eat the food that was placed in front of him. It tasted good as per usual, but even then the air in the room was dense.
After several moments of deafening silence Heavy stumbled into the kitchen, looking almost as tired as his father did.
“G'morning…” he mumbled, lazily slumping into his chair and beginning to eat.
“Good morning, Heavy.” Glam replied, running a hand through his hair. “Well, I have some paperwork to catch up on, I'll see you two after school, ok?” He said, handing his sons their lunches, which he didn't recall making. “Have a good day, I love you!” He added quickly, before stepping out of the room.
The blanks in his memory certainly weren't helping with the situation, but at least he got to what he needed to have done. He ran a hand down his face, the smile he wore waned as he opened the door to his office.
“Dee, what was that about?” Heavy mumbled, his speech continuing to sound like he hasn't slept in a week. He leaned on his hand, putting a bite of food into his mouth. He hated waking up this early, but if he didn't he may have missed his father entirely.
“He said paperwork, but It's probably just dad having one of his off days.” Dee took another bite, whipping his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through it. “You have a test on Thursday.”
“Daamnnnn..!” He dragged out, stretching his arm forward on the table and laying his head on it.
“Glam! What’dya make for break…” Victoria climbed down the stairs, turning her head and slowing down at the absence of her husband.
“Hi, mam.” Heavy sat up and turned to watch his mother walk into the room.
Her steps were hesitant. “You're up early, where's your dad?” Her eyes narrowed with suspicion before she flopped into her chair, looking around before she started eating.
“Paperwork?” Heavy shrugged as he chewed another bite.
Victoria gave a frustrated hum, shoving more food into her mouth. She picked up her fork and pointed at the two boys, swishing it back and forth. “You two need to head out for school, and Dee, would you put that phone down for a minute? What are you even doing there?”
Dee stood up at the comment, grabbing his bag and putting his lunch in. “Dad says I've got the right to my privacy, or did you forget already?” He stuck said phone into his pocket as he left for the door.
“Don't sass me!” She shouted over to him, spewing food across the table.
Heavy grabbed his bag and ran out ahead of Dee. “Bye, ma!”
Dee stopped before leaving the house, turning to look back into the kitchen. “I love you, mom.”
“Yeah yeah, love you too, bye. Now get your ass to school.” She shooed him away with her fork, resting her head in her hand.
What kind of paperwork would Glam have? Sure, he worked the week prior but was it really so much he had to get this early of a start on it? She sighed, finishing the last of her breakfast before shouting towards Glam's office.
“Glam, I'm heading to work!” She waited a moment to see if he'd poke his head out and say I love you, or goodbye. When she was met with nothing she crossed her arms. “Yeah I love you too!” She shouted pettily, walking to the door to grab her keys off the holder and storming off to the garage.