motive

WHY THEY ALL FUCKING SUSPECTED SIRIUS BC SOMEONE’S GOT TO DO IT

sirius knew remus would only tell him so much -- rather, so little -- of his work for the order. dumbledore’s hsfsuykn, sirius called it degrading. hating that he couldn’t know. that none of them trusted any of the other enough to tell. that logically, strategically, he knew it made the most sense and even if he could do something about it, he knew he shouldn’t. he knew he shouldn’t and yet.

that had very much never stopped sirius orion black before. that had, in fact, only ever increased odds of sirius actually doing the thing he knew he shouldn’t do.

from my phone bc here is the idea
“holy hell omg okay so one of the biggest reasons lupin and the order suspect sirius of betrayal (because SIRIUSLY JK AND FIC WRITERS there has to be a better reason than vagueries and off movements at night) is bc regulus kept trying to contact sirus asking him to meet w him. he wanted to give him info on the horcruxes but sirius wouldn’t listen wouldn’t go until SOMETHING happened w lupin and sirius relented and organised secret meeting at known death eater hideout to beg reg for info on lupon/ to let him go from the death eaters (sirius was convinced at this point they had coerced him into their ranks), and he yelled and owuldn’t listen to anything reg said he couldn’t get anything real out about horcruxes but certainly not for lack of trying (REG: THE CRUX OF IT COMES DOWN TO THE HORROR, INNIT? SIRIUS: DONT U TALK ABOUT MY BF LIKE THAT U TINY BITCH REGULUS: OMG SIRIUS IM TRYINA TELL U STH “VOLDEMORTANT” RIGHT NOW AND YOU WON’T SHUT UP FOR 5 SECS TO LISTENTO ME GOD, essentially hahaha -- also death eaters is present so it makes open conversation impossible), but he saw how desperate his brother was and not listening so then decided to take on task himself to make sirius proud, to prove to him, to make him believe in him. that’s why they suspect sirius so strongly -- after reg goes missing sirius claims he doesn’t know anything ofc brushes it off super hard, hears he was killed by voldy personally. big deal emotionally 2 sirius he does some reckless bad shit after that and as situation w remus gets worse he sets up fake-trade -- offers to give death eaters info on dumbledore or something in exchange for info on regulus’ death and lupin. (specifies who he’ll negotiate w... lucius? bella? snape? someone he whose weaknesses he knows so he can get what he came for) neither have either, really, but neither know. remus then goes to ootp and proposes sirius as the traitor that night after following him. james won’t hear it, lily??? peter is like omg remus ur so right it makes all the sense didn’t i say it before? i was right -- someonel ike yeah once in ur life pettigrew -- lupin thinks peter maybe a little too eager but doesn’t really dwell on it when everything else is going on. snape involvement? maybe but maybe worse if it just comes from lupin and sirius is going off about how snape must be the one (he thinks, secretly, snape must have seen him at the house didn’t understand what was gonig on the nincompoop) but i think it’s more emotinally devastating/better if he’s just straight up betrayed by lupin. make this fit into canon ahahah CHALLENGE!

then comes pachobel’s canon.

motive (elephant 2.0)

1.
lily evans, diary: sept. 1 1970

Diary,

First entry as an official Hogwarts student of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

the Express today. Got on. By myself. Nerves all a’jittery and wotsit. So glibbering wotsit.

Chose incurrent compartment. Mistake, not my idea. Sev and I in compartment when four others enterred.

I loathe with all my 206 bones:
James Potter
Sirius Black

You see, they seemed to make friends with these other two unsuspecting sweet summer boys, someone Petgrow, and scar-face boy. Didn’t much mind scar-face boy but when they started talking to him Petgrow was a real prat.

They were prats to Sev, expecially, but James was tring to be sweet on me, Sev said.

So, I was the grooviest girl on the Express and ignored them. all of them! Ha!

Read Mum and Dad’s book in between changing their daft nappies arguements. I stole it (sorry, forgive me, Mummy, Daddy!) The English Patient.

Then I made anothing mistake of reading this one line to them:

“We all have an old knot in the heart we wish to untie.”

James bleating Potter said you can’t even untie knots in your heart because you can’t even reach them with magic so good effort, though, but he could untie other things if I liked! The nerve!

And Sev, that traitor! said well, he didn’t believe anyone could have knots in their hearts because veins can’t do that or you’d die.

I spectfully disgareed.

Then I made the big-head Lily E. Evans (as Tuney says) mistake of reading them out-loud THIS LINE:

“Don’t we forgive everything of a lover? We forgive selfishness, desire, guile. As long as we are the motive for it.”

And they all laughed at me and said oh Lily, we’ll never forgive you for reading that cornfield of a book. Sev just looked at me really sadly, like a rosebush without water and he was so many mean thorns! It was mean, and they all were mean and I hate them all.

Now we’re almost to Hogwarts and I guess I’m gonna be Sorted Slytherin if I wanna see Sev for the rest of my life.

But shush secret: I don’t know if I wanna be Sorted Slytherin after hearing all those other boys talk about it. Not to offend, Sev. I don’t wanna live in a supid firey furnace with them but... I don’t think I wanna live in a slimy dungeon with snakes all my life, either.

i don’t know what I want yet.

Well, here it goes. Get my robes on, and go.

Miss you Mummy, Father, Tuney.

xxLils

LILS END:

Di,

Muggle Studies assignment this week was to read a book of Muggle fiction. I chose The English Patient. I know, you’re thinking, oh, Lily but you already have that book! That’s why you chose it!

But okay, fine. But okay, only partly. I also haven’t read it since first year. So I read it again.

And kept thinking about this line, and I told my class

“Don’t we forgive everything of a lover? We forgive selfishness, desire, guile. As long as we are the motive for it.”

Is that really what love is like, I wonder? Sounds like such a drag.

One person gets to forgive and one person does whatever they want? That’s not very fair.

Professor B said maybe I was interpreting it wrong, but I disagree. It’s not fair, and it’s a drag.

I’m never falling in love.

LILS 1

“Went into the Pensieve for the second time today.

It was one of mine. Observed by me, alone: Lily E. Potter. Recorded by my Faithful Feather, Perseus.”

Pete came for me, first.

On the giggling staircase. Just before Potions. The vestiges of morning showers were clearing from the turrets.

Something rocky clunked into my rucksack from behind. (An inkwell!? Really, Pete?!)

“Evans! Li -- Evans?!”

I turned. His inkwell lay a step below me.

I huffed, and bent to pick up the slightly-bruised bottle.

“Pete, you flung this?”

He nodded quickly, his eyes wide and darting around the gap bewteen the fifth and sixth floors.

“An inkwell, though, Pete?” I reprimanded, (rightfully so, I should think,) as he took the bottle from my outstretched hand. “You lot should really start thinking through the consequences of your actions. If that had hit my,” I started, but stopped short.

Pete wasn’t listening. (While this wasn’t unusual, on a good or a bad day, Pete usually at least gave them the impression listening, usually...?)

“What’s wrong, Pete? Where’re the others?”

A quill dropped from the pocket of his robe as the staircase giggled.

“Whale, see, they, I -- er -- need talk toote-loo, Norrimmediately, later, baby nest,” he whispered. (Or something like it, I surmised. It was difficult to hear over the giggling, and the damp lips tangled in my younger hair.)

“Come on,” I sighed. I dragged him to the fifth floor corridor.

I combed my hair from my forehead and raised my eyebrows. (A wrinkly habit, my mother always used to say.)

“I need your advice. About something,” he said hurriedly. “Only you, though, just you! Not James. He doesn’t know, or yet, or maybe he does, but I don’t know what to goddang tell him, how do you tell your best mate his favourite mates, in our grounds, mind! -- oh, Merlin’s pinafores, what do you call it when it’s two blokes? Like, brother-type blokes?! Er, I mean, I know James wouldn’t care, but, I really just need your advice, first.” Peter babbled.

I only caught about a quarter of it as I watched myself rearrange the volumes dripping from his person.

“There,” I patted the quills in his pocket back into place. “Right, how’s this? Let’s meet in the library ‘round --”

“No!” Pete sputtered. “No, no way, no. No library, no eavesdroppers,”

I frowned. (Yes, this was all a touch excessive, even for Pete.)

“Nag’s Nook?”

“But they could show up there,” he squirmed.

“True.” (At this point, I’m sure I tried to think of a place the self-styled “Marauders” wouldn’t be. Or, rather, triumphantly, couldn’t be. And, for future-future reference, I was right.) “Then, my room. Ten,” I said.

“Your... but Eva -- Lily, James’ll!” Pete cried.

“It’s my room, isn’t it? See you!” I waved as I ran down the lilting staircase towards the dungeons.

A blank.

`Ω>

Sirius got me during Potions.

I’d been fetching a scup-full of earwigs peaceably in the cupboards when a bony hand nearly shoved itself into my mouth.

Choking on said hand, I elbowed, kneed, and ankled behind me until I heard him.

“Evans. It’s Black. Sirius. Sirius Black. And, while I’m sure you’d like it very much if we snogged a big one right here, right now, I’ve got more pressing matters to discuss. That’s not to say,” he extracted his clammy, bony hand, and held the other up placating, “that you aren’t pressing, or a matter. You’re very much both. But, er, see, my dear Lilith, I need you very much right now.”

He dropped both hands. (He’s still pants at communicating.)

I punched him somewhere in his ribcage, first. “For accosting me,” I said, and then hugged his bent body somewhere around his chest, second. “For whatever’s in your bonnet.”

He coughed, still hunched in my arms.

“No idea, no bloody idea how he does it,” Sirius said.

“Sure,” I patted his black-robed back. “Now, what is it?”

“Muffliato,” he cast, standing upright. (I wonder if Sev ever minded...)

“Well, it’s quite -- it’s highly-sensitive information,” he fidgeted.

Just like Pete, before.

I sighed.

“You said you needed me, right now, so go on. And don’t mince words about it.”

Black stepped away from me, his eyes as big as Catherine wheels.

“Not here! James is out there, are you daft? I can’t -- not yet, he doesn’t --
Please, Lils. It’s bleak. It’s Bleak House. Truly.” He looked down at his hands pawing his robes pockets.

I flicked his forehead. He huffed and puffed.

“Nag’s Nook,” he finally said, settled, “Eleven, sharp. The others’ll be distracted.”

“The others’ll, how do you kn --,” I began, but stopped, (obviously, young Lils, this one is obvious.) “You planned this!” I accused, (very picturesquely, might I just say: jaw hung slack, finger pointed stiffly at him, and a rope of hair stuck to my bottom lip.)

“And?” Sirius smirked.

“What if I’d refused?”

“Knew you couldn’t, see,” he winked, and swung through the door.

Left alone in the dim cupboard, an eyeful of robes and a mouthful of earwigs, I (probably) couldn’t help but wonder just what fresh hell was brewing.

Blank until supper.

`Ω>

James slammed himself down on the bench beside me.

“Someone’s not telling me something,” he groused.

I looked him up and down from rumpled post-Quidditch hair to half-knotted tie. I smoothed his hair into a cresting wave, into an Eiffel Tower, into a Blibbering Humdinger. (We were nauseatigly adorable, oh, I miss it!)

“What makes you say that,” I asked as I worked craftility.

“Evans, you sly doe,” he pulled my fingers from his hair and set them on his empty plate. “Don’t distract me. This is grim. It’s The Grim.”

(He always knew me well, the trout,)

He slouched down further.

I sighed.

“Oh, you’re all just hopeless. I give up,” I turned to her plate of veg.

“You know something!” James grabbed for my fork. I evaded him, deftly, and speared a carrot.

“Know what?”

Remus, warily.

From behind them. I turned a spot.

His eyebrows were drawn in two low lines. (Haha!)

“Are you frightened, Remmy?” I (boastfully) chewed the carrot as Remus settled next to me gingerly.

“Nearly always,” he said, filling his mug with tea.

“Oh, Loopy, our p --”

Remus’ mug clattered against the kettle.

“Lucky they’re Unsmashable, eh?” Black said false-jovially.

“You’re late,” James said, (like the grumpy Grandfather he was.)

“You realise you’re only Captain of me on the pitch, right?”

James glowered.

Sirius meandered guiltily over to James’ side. He said something quietly to James’ hair -- still resembling a Blibbering Humdinger -- and soon the two were conversing animatedly in low tones.

(So, supping things were normal, seemingly?)

I exhaled.

“And how was your day, Remus?” I asked.

He stared into his tea.

“Spiffing. Yours?”

“Puzzling. Well, at least, so far,” I gnawed on a heart of broccoli. “Perhaps, though, Remus,” I swallowed, “you can clear something up for me.”

Remus withdrew immediately. (Twat!)

“Oi, Lils, ease up on my -- our --,” Black coughed, “It’s almost his monthly,” he finished, half-heartedly. More peculiarly, a blush was blooming over every inch of Black’s ghastly white skin that I, (and young me, clearly), could see.

I stared.

“Anyway, mate,” Sirius turned to James, brushing me away as easily as all that, “that Wyndoozy? If Humble can get it by Sunday next, Hufflepuff’s in a bag.”

James and Sirius continued yammering about Quidditch, as if no thing was amiss or afoot. As if Sirius still wasn’t as pink as a Valentine. (Or a cherub’s bottom! Haha! Sirius!)

I looked over at Remus.

He was nursing his tea, close to his chest.

“Sorry, mates, just finished detention with Yulovic,” Pete stumbled into the group. “Oh, James! You’re here,” he stepped back. “I didn’t -- thought you had Quidditch,” he mumbled.

“Er, yeah, obviously I’m here. We finish before supper. Have since second-year,” James eyed him curiously, “What’d she have you do, scrub brains?”

“Tosh. He clearly tried to Obliviate himself, again,” Black drawled.

Pete just shook his head, simultaneously nervously, ominously.

I sat. (Wondering, clearly.)

Remus stood, just as Pete made to plop down next to him along the bench.

(There was such an offy-ness about it that I nearly gawked.

I never gawked, then.

Rarely gawked.)

“You know, I’m not ill, Lily,” Remus said quizzically from beside me.

“What?”

I found herself absently patting his hand, the one gripping his rucksack a mite too tightly.

“Of course,” I breathed, and returned to my veg. (Dolt.)

“To the library, then. Ta,” he clucked and walked away from Gryffindor table. (Too tightly, too stiffly.)

“See you at patrol!” I yelled across the Hall. He waved a hand behind him, yes, he’d heard her, yes, he’d see her. (See me, see me.)

And was gone.

I turned back to the rest.

“Okay, just what on Ivo is going on with you -- ”

Only James remained.

“Four,” I finished, lamely.

(I forgot they all disappeared just then! Drat! But, I’m sure it wasn’t anything relevant, considering.)

James shrugged mulish. (Fool. Charming fool.)

“Do not give me that crap, James Potter. You’re going to tell me what is up and you’re going to do it, right here, right now!”

James opened his mouth, then closed it, then shovelled in a slice of pie.

“I’m hexing you,” I informed.

“Awrigh’, awrigh’!” He said around the pie, and spewed what he couldn’t swallow into a napkin.

I waited.

He tapped on the rim of his goblet. He drummed his knee into mine.

“I saw something. Dunno if the others saw it or not. And they aren’t fessing up if they did, because I’ve gotten them each, all day. I chucked spitwads at Pete all Muggle Studies,”

“Ah, so that’s why he got detention,” I snarked, (Prats,)

“Yeah, well, whatever, it didn’t do me any favours. And! And Sirius! The man’s like Azkaban, Lil! And since when, might I add? I’m his best mate, he tells me everything. Things I even beg him to please do not tell me, ever again, but he still does,” James carried on, earnest and heated, (I curled into myself, I will not lie,)

“So, during Potions I told him, every step on the board, I’d muck it if he didn’t spill guts right then and there. And he just sat there. All pointy, Moste Noble and Ancient House of Black nose-high-like. Like I was Regulus or one of them, or you know, like a really annoying tanked-Pete! And so I did it. I fudged every damned one. And he didn’t do anything about it. He just watched me, he just got up and left and then came back and, then,”

“That’s when the Frigus erupted,” I grimaced,

“All over me, yeah! And not a drop on him, mind you! So, all that hard work down the bin. Then Remus,”

“Oh, no, James!” I slapped his bicep (Ha! Rightfully so!), “What in Morgana’s holy discotek,”

“Oh, not much. I just spelled all his jumpers different colours. And his woolly mittens unravelled. And, he may not’ve realised this one yet, or else I doubt he’d’ve come to supper, but, er,”

“James,” I admonished,

“I swapped all the covers and insides of his books.” James said, finally abashed.

“Oh, James, you heliotrope,” I let him nuzzle my hair. (I still do this.) I fed him a carrot, for good measure.

(I still do this. The others weren’t around to mock, after all, probably why I did it then,)

“I’m a twat, a prat, I know.”

“Yes, but, it’s likely I still love you,” I reassured.

“Only likely?” James sat upright. (Very likely, Mrs. Potter the twat thought.)

“Depends on,” I began, “whether or not you’re going to tell me what you think you saw.”

“I didn’t think it, Evans, I saw it,” James insisted.

“Go on,” I stole a bite of pie from his plate.

(Fine, still do this as well. If we’re getting it all out there. It was hard being the only vegetarian amongst a pack of carnivores.)

“Can’t say it. Not here. I shan’t. Too many ears laying around. And forks.” James warned.

(What if it was serious? What if it was Sirius? I probably thought. I worried too much about that boy. I worried the already-split ends of my hair for that boy.)

“Fine. Your room. Two, after patrols,” I said, dumping her leftover veg and mash onto James’ plate.

(I’m sure at this point I was planning, ‘What about Remus?’)

(Oh, yes, see my lips.)

I planned.

Bits of brown.

`Ω>

Remus was absently browsing the Herbology stack when he suddenly turned to me.

“‘Kay, you win, Evans. You’ve got me.”

I started.

(Sneaky bugger, always. But that’s not saying!

Listen, okay, I’d given everyone sitting at the table closest to Remus merfingers, but no one could prove that, and it was a simple enough jinx to lift. I was confident Pomfrey’d be through with them in less than an hour.

I’d sat, preparing to mime studying for a few minutes. I’d wait for Remus to come over.

An hour, or less, that was all it’d take.

I knew he had an Herbology assignment, and after what James had done to his precious few books, I knew he’d have to use the library’s copies. Oh, James, I cringe even now, you fuck.)

I was sat so I was facing the Herbology section.

The first ten minutes passed, and I’d glance up at every step of sole on carpet.

Then twenty, and Remus had yet to move from his table.

Then thirty. He didn’t give any sign he’d noticed me. (He probably had, though.)

I’d (probably) begrudgingly begun reading.

Remus grinned tightly.

“Was waiting to see how long it’d take you to grow earnest. Twenty minutes. Rather dismal attempt, Lily,” he chided. He sat at the seat catty-corner from me.

“It was thirty,” I retorted. (bastard!)

“I win. Got you.” (bastard!)

“Oh, shove it, Lupin. What the hell’s gotten into all of you? You’ve all seen something, something either so sacred or so profane it can’t be spoken of anywhere in the general public, and you’re all playing normal. It’s so normal it’s abnormal! Come, now, Remus. You’re too tight, and coiled -- moreso than usual, that is. Sirius is akimbo, Pete is Babbity Rabbity, and James’ been an absolute terror to every one of us,” I listed.

“He didn’t bring ruin and calamity to your bookshelf, too, did he?”

I pursed my lips. I said nothing. (The shame!)

“Thought so.”

Remus sighed.

“It’s,” he tried.

He folded a corner of a page in my book.

“Save your spot. Pete’s been waiting at the girls’ staircase since supper.”

I gawked. (I admit it! Remus always could make me! I gawked!)

“How?”

“A gift?”

“A curse. You’re a curse, you know that?”

“But I do, Ms. Evans. I do, so very well.” Remus looked off, morose, drawn and nearly quartered.

“Oh, no, Remus, not --” I tossed her book at him, “that!”

He dipped away, laconic, and the book thumped against the kjshfk of his chair, rather loudly.

“Fuck,” (Oops!)

My eyes were pumpkins.

“I can hear her heels even on the carpeting, did you know that?” Remus mused.

“She’s coming this way. If you sprint out RS, you’ll just miss her,” he instructed.

I stood. (I remember this moment, actually, well.)

“I’ll bring your bag to patrol, Head Girl,” he assured.

I knew what he meant.

“Thank you.”

I took off, veering back into the Restricted Section, frantically palming the doors apart as I heard Pince,

“Destruction of Hogwarts Property?! Mr. Lupin! But you, a prefect?! I’m appalled! Out! Out of my library, this instant!” Lily made out the sound of a book thwapping a shoulder down the corridor.

“Now, Mr. Lupin! Out!” Pince screeched.

“It’s looking that way, isn’t it?” Remus said, his voice a wobbly echo between the closing library doors above us.

I tripped just above the step that sometimes sprouted Devil’s Snare.

I hopped down two, three, one, hurriedly.

(Harry’s burping now, James is pants at this. I’ve got to go. They’re waiting. Return to this memory? Can you mark i--

`Ω>

Lily grabbed Pete by the crest of his ear and led him, not kindly, up the girls’ staircase towards her room.

She pushed him in.

“You’ve been waiting for hours? At the bottom of the girls’,” she growled, “Do you’ve any idea what they’ll be saying about you? Perv, skeev, Paedo, even! Pete, honestly, I worry about you,”

She began pacing, running her hands through her hair. Wave after wave she counted, thick hair caught in between slick agitated fingers.

When she got to two hundred she was ready.

She exhaled. She sat cross-legged on her bed, and gestured for Pete to do the same.

She faced him.

“I’m sorry, Pete. I’m, today is, I’m very near the end of my wits, is what,” she tugged out of her robe.

“Lily, that’s not, I --” he stammered.

“Peter Pettigrew,” she said, shocked. Then, she felt bad. She’d been feeling bad all day, really. That morning shower never should’ve cleared out.

She scrunched her forehead.

Pete’s sweaty hand was patting hers. She tried very hard not to cry, and she wasn’t sure why.

Things were changing, and if they weren’t yet they would be, the boys today were proof, were heralding its coming. None of them seemed quite comfortable with it either.

That’s why she let one tear slip. In front of Pete, of all the people in the wizarding and Muggle and alien worlds. Was she seeking solace?

“I’m sorry. Pete,” she coughed. “Please, tell me. I’m ready.”

She inhaled.

If Pete saw her clutch her duvet behind her back, he didn’t indicate.

“Well, Evans --”

“Lily. It’s Lily, Pete. I’ve told you six hundred and ninety nine times. We’re sitting together on my bloody bed for a heart and chat, for Pete’s sake. Oh, Pete, for Pete’s sake,” she began laughing. A bit madly.

“So sorry, again. Do go on, Pete,” she said.

He wiped his hand off of his other hand. And then the other off of the other.

Very unproductive.

“So, Pete, what you saw, it was last night, wasn’t it? You said something about two blokes? And James,” she scratched at her tights at the hem of her skirt.

“Yeah, well, see. Er, okay. The beginning is, I was on -- and please, L -- you can’t report me, Ev- Lily,” he screwed his nose into one of his cheeks, waiting for her reply.

Waiting, Pete was full of so much waiting.

“I won’t,” she said. “Promise. I’m a Marauder, too, now, right?”

“Ah, sure, well, I suppose,” he looked about to say more but held it in a cheek like a bubble, “Er, okay. I was on the grounds, it was late. With, some people. Not, not James or any of the others. Just me, some other people. From Herbology. I think, I think we’re becoming friends. Maybe, maybe more, with one,” Pete smiled.

“That’s good, Pete,” she smiled, too encouraging.

“Yeah, and well, we were, doing stuff, and we heard noises by the lake. We went over, to see, to check, who would be out there, you know, that, night, ‘sides us, ‘course, but, it was the Prewett brothers,” he said, too seriously.

“But they’ve graduated. I’m not sure why they’d be back, maybe something to do with, you know, Dumbledore,” the war, she meant, but she couldn’t say it. “I’m sure it wasn’t anything --”

“They’re, they’re fags, Lily! They were snogging! That’s what you still call it, like, between two blokes, yeah? Snogging, but they’re brothers? You can’t snog your brother and be a fag? That’s, that’s, a, abominable,” he shuddered.

Lily tasted wax and wet ink on her tongue.

“Technically, it’s incest, Pete. I don’t doubt you, but, seriously? I doubt you saw the Prewett brothers snogging. One another,” she added.

She wasn’t sure. It could’ve been a joke. A prank. Or, more. But she, she couldn’t judge that. What if you accidentally loved your brother? Romantically? What if? She didn’t want to be like her sister.

Petunia would’ve wiped them to the bone with disinfectant and pesticides, and oh, so much worse.

“We did,” Pete assured. “They stopped when they, er, saw us, seeing them, and told us to bugger off, wankers. We, er, some of the people, shouted fags, and they, er, they hexed us and we scarpered,” he ended lamely.

“Fag’s not a nice word to say,” Lily said.

“Yeah, er, I know. But, I didn’t know how to tell James. He worships them, like, they’re -- they’re him and he’s me. I’m not stupid, Evans, so, er, I’ve known what the nasties’ve said about us for years, but Moony always tells me to ‘akjhaw’. And if I told James, er, I have to tell him, don’t I? How’d he feel? He’d be upset. He’d mope about for weeks, er, maybe longer, and I don’t want to do that to him. He’s my best mate,” Pete whispered the last bit.

Lily didn’t know how to respond.

At first.

“Pete, people don’t talk openly about homosexuality. Not here, not in the Muggle world, either. It simply isn’t done. It’s a thing you maybe try once on a lark. But, then, they all go on and get married and pop out a couple of tiny squirts. That’s what we’re meant to believe. But that’s just, that’s just not the way things actually are,” she inhaled, she practically tore a hole in her tights, “We’re at war, Pete. I don’t think James would give five buggers if the Prewetts were gay. Nor would Sirius, or Remus. I think, me, personally, I think it’s more important to love, and have love, especially right now, than the alternative. Love, no matter who it’s with, or what it looks like. Oops,” Lily had indeed ripped her tights.

A thumb-sized bit of specky, pale skin shone like a moon stuck in a starless night.

She still felt waxy and inky, but also a bit preachy.

“Well, that’s what I personally believe, and as you requested my personal advice, here it is: tell James, or don’t tell him. Whichever you’re most comfortable with. I won’t tell him,” she said solemnly. “Not that, again, I think he’d give five rats-arses, oh, sorry!” she snorted, “but, well, you know. I won’t.”

“If I asked you to, because er, maybe he should know that? Would you?” Pete squelched his hands.

“The other thing is, Pete, it’s not really my, or your, or James’ business, frankly. But, I don’t know. Maybe, I could, if it’d --”

“Oh, yes, that’d mean a lot to me,” Pete cut, and smiled all teeth and cheeks.

Damn.

And, double damn.

“What’s the time, Pete?”

“Are you a witch?”

“And, an idiot. Tempus.” 10:38

“Oh, yours is the same colour as James.”

“Yeah,” she blushed. She felt a tad uncomfortable, now, what with her tights holey, Pete on her bed, and something else.

“Right, you’ve got to get downstairs, and I’ve got to get to -- patrols,” she breathed.

Pete brushed his hands off of one another, again.

“I, I hope I was helpful,” she tacked on, feeling as hunched as Sirius in the Potions cupboard.

“Yeah, Lils, you were. Er, Evans,” he added, shyly.

“Lily,” she said. “Night, Pete.”

“Aren’t you coming?” he asked.

“Oh, I was going to, actually,” he must’ve noticed the rip in her tights?

“Disillusion me?” he asked, meek, “Er, I still can’t do it myself.”

She sighed.

“Alright, ready? Still, Pete. No, stand still, just, there.”

Disillusioned Pete and Lily made their way down the girls’ stairs together. They ran into no one.

She didn’t get to change her tights in time for the next bloody secret meeting (and if it was about the same thing she was going to box Black’s bloody ears into his skull), but she’d made it out with plenty of time to get there.

“Night, Lils- Eva- y.” Pete’s disembodied voice stammered quietly at the portrait hole.

She stumbled on the edge.

She didn’t realise he’d been behind her.

`Ω>

Lily caught Black up the corridor leading to Nag’s Nook.

“Oi, prick,” she whisper-bellowed.

He turned brisk.

“My, my, what’s this? Head Girl, out after hours? On a patrol, is she?”

Sirius stood with his hands on his hips, Peter Pan’s shadow.

“Eat it, Black. Still can’t figure out why James chose you as his best mate,” she snapped, but recalling the talk she just had with Pete, she really did know why. And Lupin, well, too Lupine. As they said. It always had made sense, that’s why it’d always bugged her when they were younger.

“Someone’s got her knickers in a twist. And, it seems, her tights? Need an assist with an untwist?”

“I hate you,” she pushed Sirius.

“Indeed, milady.” he shouldered her in return.

“You say it,” Sirius said, when the got to the hidden, shimmery alcove that was “Nag’s Nook”.

“Why?”

“Just ‘cause.”

“Goody, I’ll take an educated guess. You changed the password earlier. You want me to embarrass myself.”

“Oh, no. None of that skullduggery tonight, Lilith. She just didn’t like the last one I chose, now refuses to let me in. She’s a real drag.”

“Poor you.”

“Poor me, indeed.”

Lily opened her mouth, then closed it.

“One thing first, if you’ve brought me here to tell me some cruising nonsense about the Prewett brothers, I’ve already gotten it all.”

“The Prewett brothers? Cruising? Oh, do tell,” he leaned against the wall.

“No. Maybe, some other day. Not today. I’ve already got enough of your Marauder dung to deal with as it is.”

“Thought you were a Marauder, now.” Sirius sassed.

“Obviously. Just not, you know, a founding father.”

Sirius was silent.

“Merlin,” she traced her finger along the moonlit grafitti, “‘James plus Lily equals heart forever and ever plus Sirius plus Haz. Plus Moony, you wankers. What about me? You’ve got to earn it. Shut up, Pads. And Pete, too.’” The alcove deepened. “I didn’t ask, but who’s Haz?”

Sirius barked a laugh that was much too loud to be out and about at eleven at night.

“Give it a few years. Something to look forward to. Aside from all the murdering and pillaging and -- ”

Lily yanked Sirius into the Nook.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t, not unless you really deserved it, but I’m about to box your ears so far into your skull you’ll be stuck with nothing but your own thoughts forever and ever plus Sirius plus Moony, full-stop.”

Sirius blanched.

“Why would Moony’s brain be in my skull?”

Lily put her hands on her hips, a stage-lit Peter Pan.

“Oh, I don’t know, Sirius, why would it?”

“See, complete nutter,” he looked to the ceiling, then raised a single finger, “You wait. When I inherit my Uncle’s Pensieve, Lilith, well. Let’s just put it this way. I might’ve been lying just then. You may never find out who Haz is, after all.”

“‘When I inherit my Uncle’s Pensieve, Lilith’” she imitated, quite well, she thought, “What the bleeding fuck, Black, is it? You’ve all been as wonked out as a shoppe full of Wonka Doodles all day. Please, end this. Quickly, as I do have patrols coming up” she hastened.

“What’s a Wonka Doodle?”

“So posh. So handsome. So daft. What’m I here for?” she snarled, softly.

“Chills, Lils. Chills. You’re chilly. Feel my arm,” he held it out to her,

“Sirius, I swear,” she nearly shouted.

“I’m in love with Remus!” and Sirius did shout.

“Muffliato!” she hissed.

“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say? A MUFFLIATO TO SILENCE MY LOVE, LILITH JANIS EVANS-POTTER?! I, I, I,”

“Sirius, sit down,” she ordered.

He did.

“That was quite nice. And, you know, I’ve only ever hear you stammer the... that one time,” she said. More wax and wet ink.

“Yes, well. We’re over that time. Ta, that time. Now, on to this time. The present. A gift, some say. What rubbish. More a curse, I decry.”

“Because? Oh, right, you love Lupin.”

“Yes,” he stared at the floor.

“‘Kay, Sirius, I thought you were going to tell me something so sacred, or so profane, or... Morgana,” she, again, recalled Pete’s story, “so confusing? But,”

“But what?” he jumped on

“What? But what, what?”

“What?”

“Sirius, we’re very very very very acutely aware that you’re in love with Lupin. The very romantic, and very gay, love that you’re in, with Remus Lupin. We know. Ah, actually, scratch that. Pete definitely, probably, may not’ve known. He never understood a single joke we made about it, did he? Good God, poor Pete.

Anyway, we, James and I, and probably -- quite honestly because you’re not nearly as subtle as you seem to suspect you are -- Lupin too. WE have known about it for, goodness, I don’t know? Ever? Was that not com... did you not? Did you not know you were in love with Lupin?” Sirius had a very frightening face on.

Lily sighed, for the millionth and seventh time that day.

“Alright, no, clearly, you knew you were in love with him.”

“Yeah, I’ve known for longer than, ‘oh, for, I don’t know, ever,’ Evansyoupretentiousprat. And,” Sirius paused, “I’m going to tell him. But, I don’t know how.” he drummed on the floor stones.

“Oh.”

“You and James’ve said it. I’ve literally heard the story two hundred and fifty one times. We kept count. And it was, as loath as I am to admit it, adorable. And stupid. But stupidly adorable.” Sirius looked at her, those big doggy shaggy pleady eyes.

“You have to tell me how. And when. When do I? If you lot’ve all known since, ‘oh, I don’t know, forever’ --

“Never going to let that one drop, are you?”

“Never let any of the things drop, dear,”

“Of course,”

“ -- Anyway, you know, or you surmise? that we’ve like, done, stuff. Like sexual stuff. Salazar, this is just as wretched as I imagined it’d be. It’s like going to bloody confession.”

“Well, kind-of. But how do you, no. No time. Sirius, you asked. Remember?”

“Oh, what? I asked you? No. I don’t remember anything at all! Help!” Sirius writhed around the floor, “Help! Someone, Head Girl’s toying with my mem- ah!” Lily sat on him.

That is what you do with large dogs when they misbehave. She had one, once.

She waited.

“We’ve never talked about it, like, in so many words. In any words, actually. It’s just, a drunk handy some Fridays, a blowy in a cupboard after a row, some more gay shit on Purim the one time, nothing substantial. We just pretend like it never happened. Like it doesn’t happen. Like, continually. Like, at this point, consistently. Like, weekly.”

“Yeah, I’ve slept over a time or two.”

“You, don’t even go there, you wanton wench.”

“Sirius Orion Black!”

“Yes, good, returning to me. And just, may I ask, how the bloody hell did you all... nope, you know what? I’ve just decided it’s best I don’t know.” Sirius shivered under her.

“Oh, silly-billy Padfoot. Poor Padfoot.”

“Woe is me, thank you for caring.”

“I do care, dolt.”

“I know,” he ground out. “And I hate it!” he whinged, probably for posterity. His imaginary posterity.

“If you say, darling.” She squeezed him tighter.

“If someone walked in on us, right this minute,” Sirius let out a wheeze of a bark of laughter.

Lily did box one of his ears, then.

“Ow! Lovelorn fool, here. That you’re sitting on. What do I do?”

“Well, Sirius, if these... trysts (he snorted, he giggled, he squeamed), shut up, keep happening, something mutual’s there. You know Moony’s probably doing the same -- oh balls, forgive me, but I can’t help it -- mooning” she snorted too, joined the giggles, “over... you... (breath), too. It’s fairly blatant from where I’m sitting.”

“So, that’s what the view’s like up there?”

“Talk. You need to talk. The sex is grand and all -- I’m sure, as I’ve heard it -- but you love him, very much so, and if you feel you need to tell him, you need to tell him. That’s all you can do.”

“What if he’s not in love with me? What if he’s just, ‘oh, yeah, I’m crap at women and thusly, terrifically sexually-frustrated and my best bloke Pads, he’s a good shag. Just can’t really get over his whole, well, him-ness. But the shagging, now, he’s a right old O for Outstanding.’”

“You’re asking me, Black, so I’m going to answer. But you may not like it, so do shove it if that’s the case.” Lily inhaled, “I believe Remus loves you, the same way you love him. Different, of course, because no two people can truly love the same way. But you know what I’m getting at. Very love, very romantic and very homosexual. If I’m wrong, I’ll... I’ll literally do what ever godforsaken thing you’ll have me do.”

“Literally any thing?” Sirius perked up.

“Yes.”

“Alright,” he concluded. “get off, mush-bag.”

Lily stood.

Sirius held up his hand from the floor. She pulled him upright.

“Ajhfhef”

“Oi! What the fuck, Black?!”

“It is a mere modified Unbreakable. You won’t die, silly-billy. I’d just... feel better having some insurance. That’s all.”

“Oh, well. If that’s all it is. I’m not bothered.” She flipped her hair, as if to demonstrate her unbotherability.

“So obnoxious. I’ve no idea why James had to chose you as his actual mate.”

“Mate? Misogynist much, Black.”

“It is, when you’re an Animagus. It’s like that.” Sirius was serious, again that night.

“Merlin,” she mused. “Well, on that dulcet tone, Tempus.” 11:54

“Shit, I’ve got patrols. With your boyfriend, actually!”

“Fuck off, Evans. You don’t even know, yet. Hell, I don’t even know, anything.”

“Sirius,” she stroked his forehead. “Fuck off yourself. Fuck off straight to fucking bed. Or not straight.” She gasped a laugh. “But we all knew that. Minus one. Or... fuck, not any of those ‘fucking’ things? That was a really poorly-worded joke pleasedon’ttellJames.”

“Marauders’ honour,” he saluted her off.

“But you have none!” she whisper-cried back.

The salute went from five fingers to one.

`Ω>

probably maybe I think so: all the Lilynchapters are diary entries. From all her Hogwarts days, leading up to Sirius imprisonment. So still, 3 chunks, 3 stories being told: Lily, thru diary 11 - death (also she uses a penseive for accuracy) so first person limited past/present. Sirius, graduation from Hogwarts - death third person present tense? limited, Remus post-azkaban - death third person present tense? limited. Lily begins story w meta diary entry: I hate James potter but Remus Lupin may be okay. Also read one of Mum and dad's books today, an English patient quote. I
liked it but I don't understand most of what's going on a lot.End lily again w diary, found this quote from that book: we forgive lovers everything etc. either it's her from past or her in present, days before death. "Is that what love's really like? Sounds like a drag!" xLilyOr:"Found a copy I kept OF English patient from mhm and dads reread it in between nappies and arguekents and entries. Keep returning to this line: we forgive our lover everything etc. I don't know if I believe it?"Nah I think I like little lily
being like blah LOVE is a drag! Peace Yeah for sureBut anyway it ends on that quote. Could begin on another one, the heart untie one BC that was close second to story. I like that. It's on the train maybe and aboutb"james bleating potter and Sirius serious black and the one with the scratched face Lupin and Peter pig petigrew and sev her ______ but he doesn't believe there are knots in hearts BC veins can't do that or you'd die. I spectfully disagreed.
"Pensieve is uncle alphards old one, Sirius broufhtnit over one night to settle a bet with James. He forgot it,
conveniently. Lily thinks he left it bc there's been so much chatter about the traitor a traitor etc and there was something he wanted in there for them to find or he wanted to prove his innocence? Or point to the true traitor? But no one can say anything so lily is going back and sifting thru her and Sirius and james' memories and the few of remus' that are in there.

YES GODDAMMIT YES YES FUCK YES YES FUCK ME THIS IS GOLD I LOVE IT GOD DAMN IT!!!! UNF! LILY POV THRU SLUPIN/JAMES POV OCCASIONALLY YES YES YES YES I FUCKING LOVE IT GOOD GOD HELP ME

maybe James POV in diary if he comes w on some
pensieve trips maybe one or two, just that much.

He doesn't like to, not right now. Willful ignorance. They fight.

Lily calls him a fool, James says "if that's what you think, if you seriously doubt any ofthem, you never were a marauder, and you never will be." Lily is v v hurt so hurt she can't even hex James she angercries herself to wakefulness she doesn't sleep she stays up by Harry all night.

James apologises in the morning, or soon after. They fight more tho about choosing and lily says she isn't asking him to choose and he says yes she is and she's saying no she's asking him to sift through the evidence that's all it could be anyone. Why
do you think sirius left the damn thing, James? Sirius doesn't misplace things, he places things.
He's never lost a thing in his life, James!

What tripe, I'm sure he's lost a quill or

That's not what I'm talking about and you know it, you fucker.

Don't say that in front of Harry.

I'll say whatever the goddamn FUCK I please in front of MY CHILD HARRY.

Our child!

Yes! Our child, James. Don't you think, Christ for the sake of our child for the sake of your friends your marauders who are being taken to the cleaners someone should be going through this?! This isn't me asking you to
choose! And if, in some warped way, it is, then so the FUCK is sirius and what does that mean then!? Remus? Pete? Sirius, he wouldn't do that to Remus. And Pete's not capable of doing that to any of us. It's not about choosing it's about seeing truths you may not want to see. But if you want to stay alive, James, if you want to stay with Harry, we have to try. They cry

James, "sometimesni feel like id rather die in the lie, than live with the truth."

Lily, "I know."

They cry more esp James

"Do you ever give up, James? Did you ever give up on me? No no you don't you
didn't. You can't give up now, you can't. And maybe, back then, you should've it would've been the smart thing but you're not as smart as you think and you are smarter than you think and braver than you believe""Winnie the golden poop? At a time like this?""I've been reading it to Harry!" "I love you. I was never going to give up, by the way. I was only feeling.""I know. Sometimes, I feel the same way. But then I look at you, Harry, see them in pensieve -- all of them: black, moony, pete, etc. and i can't give up on any of them, or this. Any of it."Finally get to doing it w
James for first time:"Be careful. You notice more the second time 'round. It's not always pleasant."James "Godric, I feel filthy. Just sloughed in dungbombs. Should be wearing a hazmat, really.""That's three. Done?"Lily also keeps in her journal a list of all the possible suspects and tings that make them suspect BC James won't and someone has to. She mostly just needs the extra pair of eyes. They bring Harry with them, when they're together. James always holds him. Lily always searches. THAT DAY
"I'm not going back to that day." James is adamant."I have to."He closes his eyes. "Lily, I'm so sorry.""I'll bring a picnic basket. It'll be fun."

(THEN THREE BOOKS/THREE PARTS: SELFISHNESS, DESIRE, GUILE) 3 act play basically but way way way longer hahahhaha and fanfic and wolfstar so...

but have lily chapters interspersed? maybe she’s the young voice? or the Hogwarts voice? could be. i love her so much, now. even more. i want to write more her. and the opening i wrote probably isn’t great, as an opening to this particular fic. so...

FIRST AND FINAL CHAPTERS: FROM LILY POTTER’S POV
most/all future chapters -- post-sirius’ breakout from azkaban - present are remus POV
most/all past chapters -- pre-sirius’ breakout from azkaban are sirius POV