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Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans: People Edition
"Eh? Why do I taste crotch and alcohol?" said a wizarding child on the Hogwarts Express.
It was another year for the students of a prestigious magical school, and for the new wave of children whom were on their way towards their very first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And the wizarding child waiting for the train to soon disembark on its journey to Hogsmeade in Scotland... just tasted a Jelly Bean flavor of Brian Griffin.
His friend sitting next to him spat his bean in disgust. "Ew! I tasted sparkly vampire!"
In Forks, a certain vampire didn't see where he was going when he was running from werewolves and impaled himself on a thick leafless branch.
The girl in front of them, the first boy's twin sister (the one who tasted Brian Griffin) gave a weird look as she sucked on her jelly bean.
"Who's Jimmy Fallon?"
In New York, Jimmy sneezed, spilling his coffee. Elsewhere, a flaming burp is released while the person who flame belched stared at the girl who was crying; because the jelly bean when she chewed and swallowed made her throat all bloody.
"You wuss," he states, before drinking more Papp's Blue Robot.
In another compartment back on the Hogwarts Express, some boys whom were in fourth year were doing some dares using a mix of the original and the new People Edition. For most of them, they tasted food flavors to non-food flavors, until the son of Seamus Finnegan pops a random one into his mouth.
"... Well?" one muggleborn spoke.
"Why do I have the urge to break dance to Thriller?"
"What's Thriller?" said the teen next to Seamus Jr., plucking another bean into his mouth.
"What is it, a nasty one this time?"
"It tastes like Paris Hilton!"
The other boys howl in laughter. But eventually, they calm down, as the train jolts and start to move. One of the boys grab another bean, before immediately spitting it out the window and then spits more to get rid of the taste that apparently did not agree to his taste buds.
"Oh god, I tasted Meg Griffin!"
The others screamed in horror.
Recovering, they decide to try more. Some were fruits, but Seamus Jr. recoiled a bit.
"What now?"
"Old man and lemon drops," was the reply.
=0=0=
Albus Dumbledore, in the afterlife playing Chess with Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto, sneezed.
"Bless you Dumbledore," the Sōtaichō of the Gotei 13 of the Seireitei says, handing him a box of tissues.
The Captain Commander of Avalon's Seven Council Guardian Corporation, accepts the box of tissues to blow his nose.
=0=0=
In the human world, Harry stares at Ron who brought him a box of Bertie Bott's newest creation. He was at the Ministry at the moment, going through some old case files on the old Death Eaters whom still had escaped or eluded capture long after the second Wizarding War against Voldemort when Ron came in during his lunch break.
"Did they really do what I think they did?" he asks, upon seeing the familiar box's label, and the words "People" printed in loopy gold print.
"Yeah mate."
Harry resisted the urge to groan about it.
"Try it. I tasted some muggle woman named Britney Spears... whoever she is."
"She's an American singer," Harry informs his friend/brother-in-law, before deciding to taste one bean. He blinks one the flavor settled. "Weird..."
"What?" Ron questions.
"I taste old man and flames."
Ron was perplexed. "And who would taste like an old man and fire?"
=0=0=
Now it was Yamamoto's turn to sneeze, ruining his cup of tea.
"Bless you," said the chuckling Dumbledore, pushing the tissue box to the Sōtaichō.
=0=0=
Some students on the train as it continues its track to Hogsmeade were playing games with one another, chatting, or for some, playing Flavor Risk, a popular candy game created that revolved Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. And since the introduction of People Edition a month ago, it was a risk of flavors that also included people. For those whom had a box of People Edition, various different celebrities and other people were tasted, ranging from Jay Leno, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Ryan Seacrest, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler, Bill Cosby, Edward Elric, Soul Eater Evans, Magneto, members of the Vocaloid Band, random X-Men characters, Alucard, Samus Aran, Lara Croft, Princess Peach, Princess Zelda, to Daniel Baldwin, Leif Garrett, Todd Bridges, Tonya Harding, Danny Bonaduce, Superman, Rosie O'Donnell, Stewie Griffin, Seth Green, Lady Gaga, the band members of Nickleback, The Roots, John Cena, Triple H, CM Punk, Zack Ryder, Randy Orton, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, The Rock, Steve Higgins, Rickey Minor, Johnny Carson, Kevin Eubanks, Snoop Dogg, John Melendez, Snooki, David Lettermen, Conan O'Brien, and Ranma Saotome, Sailor Moon, Jackie Chan, Frankenstein, Dracula, Frank Stallone, Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres, Roger Lodge, Bryan Callen, Judy Gold, Ted Jessup, Loni Love, Brad Loekle, Chelsea Peretti, Billy Kimball, Daisy Gardner, Nick DiPaolo, John Enos, Mike Trainor, Chuck Nice, Natasha Leggero, Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Al Roker, Flandre Scarlet, Cirno, Wriggle Nightbug, Ran, Chen, Jet Li, Dante, Vergil, Nero, Lady, Trish, Kyrie...
Yes, this new creation from Bertie Bott's was insane.
In a crowded compartment, somewhere in the middle area of the entirety of the Hogwarts Express, this happened:
"What the bloody hell?"
"What is it, Iris?" a boy said, looking to the dark-skinned girl sitting with him and his group of friends.
"I tasted an emo werewolf! How is that possible? Who would taste that way?" said the girl, taking the bean out of her mouth and decides to toss it out the window after she cracks it open. The train was halfway to its destination.
"Can a werewolf be emo?" spoke Iris's younger sister, who was busy reading from an issue of The Quibbler.
In Forks, said emo werewolf in wolf form gets shot in the head by a hunter. In full hunting gear, Stewie Griffin smiles. "Ha! I told you! I told you I'll get that emo werewolf! Now pay up." Brian sighs, before digging into his pocket and pulls out the wager of 100 dollars and hands it to the talking infant with a twelve-gauge shotgun.
"You proud of yourself?" said the dog.
"Yup," was Stewie's reply, "no more Twilight movies and emo whisper scenes... it's a good thing."
"What makes you think that?"
"Remember when Cedric Diggory was murdered?"
"Yeah," Brian said.
"He rose back from the dead as Edward Cullen. Of course, his sparkly ass is dead. Rumors say he tripped and impaled himself on a tree branch."
Brian was about to say something, when he decided to hold his words. After a moment of silence, Brian lights up a cigarette.
"I don't want to know, man. I have a feeling I shouldn't know any of this," he stated, walking away and leaving Stewie to drag the wolf's corpse by its tail.
=0=0=
In the end, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans: People Edition products were slowly removed from shelves world-wide when sales dropped and soon they stopped selling altogether (some ended up missing only to be sold in later years on eBay for thousands of American dollars). Life returned to a sense of normalcy...