J-J-Jealousy
Chapter 23: J-J-Jealousy
November 9, 1993
James felt hollow.
There was no other emotion to describe just what he felt like.
He didn't feel like eating, reading, writing, playing, talking, nothing. He hadn't visited Hogwarts in days. Of course, he'd gone two weeks once without visiting Hogwarts, but this time was different.
He wasn't planning to go back.
It was the end of November. James felt more lonely than he'd ever felt before. He'd called in sick for the Auror Office, and they were sending him paperwork through owl.
It wasn't fun anymore. There was no thrill in reading stories about what illegal stuff people had done or how the Aurors caught them. Nobody came over anymore. James didn't want to do anything. He didn't want to talk to anybody. What would he say? What was he going to say when they asked about Lily? He didn't want to think about her. It made him sick, and then he tried to be angry, but it just left him sad.
But naturally, his life was against him. So voila, his thoughts always travelled to Lily.
She was going through this easy, he was sure. She'd rejected him. Not the other way around. But hopefully it would be resolved soon. He didn't want to think of what would happen if it didn't…
Did Lily not like him anymore? What had he done wrong? Surely he wasn't that bad. No, it was the heat of the moment. Wasn't it? He wasn't a terrible husband. He'd been good. Funny. Nice. So what had gone wrong?
And Snivellus. His hands curled into fists just thinking about him. He was sure Lily and Snivellus had gotten together, the two of them friends again. Yuck.
"James." It was a Patronus. James turned around, seeing a silvery animal bouncing next to him. "It's Tonks. Tucker asked me to send you today's work, he's off in the Americas for the next week. So we're free from him. Updates… Jeremy is also off in Bulgaria for two nights, so that's good. Of course, Barney's still here, but nothing else. Kingsley's doing fine, he's complaining about being stuck with paperwork. Gawain told me to tell you that he 'hopes you feel better, you will soon!' That's pretty much it."
James smiled. Tonks had been sending him Patronuses with updates of the Auror Office. Somehow, she'd gotten to know about what happened in the private quarters (it had been badly named if others had gotten to know about it) through a bunch of others, except she seemed to be a little… misinformed. James didn't remember Lily turning him into a chicken.
"Oh, of course, your work. We need your signatures on these forms - my Patronus should come soon with them - and your advice on which case Qo should do first. Thanks so much. I hope you feel better from your… illness… soon. Come back soon."
James knew that Tonks was probably sending this in front of other people. Either way, her Patronus was monitored. So she was very careful to go along with his story and still have a double meaning. Merlin, she was smart.
The Patronus dissolved into silvery wisps of mist. James quickly filled out his paperwork, wanting to get it over with, before he sent it back.
Then an owl rapped on the window. James didn't move. He couldn't. He just didn't feel like accepting letters from the outside world right now. But then the owl just soared through the window - crashing it - and dropped a letter.
On James's head.
"Great," whispered James. He hadn't used his voice in so long. It sounded unfamiliar, shaky. A voice that didn't belong to him. "Thanks a lot." He grabbed the letter and ripped it open.
Prongs,
I know you're going through a tough time, and you just want to be left alone. Trust me, I know all about it. I used to think that too, but I learned that it's better with friends. They always help you out if they're true friends. You might not have Peter anymore, or Sirius anymore, but you have me. I'm always here, James, I'll always listen to you and help you. I will be by your side no matter what happens.
I don't think Lily meant what she said the other day, but you two need to talk it out. Don't be a child, James. Be a man and face your problem head-on. Don't let this small thing, especially over Snape, rip you two apart.
I'm always here for you, Prongs. You can always come to me.
Come back soon.
Love,
Remus
PS: I'm pretty sure you didn't turn into a chicken.
Of course Remus would offer this advice. Remus knew best. He had a furry little problem. He'd gone through all of this before.
But this was what was best for Remus.
Something else might be the best for James. Remus had chosen his path, and it worked for him.
Now it was James's turn.
"Hey, Liana?" asked Draco. Liana looked up.
"Hi, Draco, what's up?" Liana put down the book she was reading (about a crime in Paris, and then these wizards have to go through this big blizzard full of demon trolls and vampires) and looked up at him.
"Nothing much," he replied, plopping down next to her. "Oh, do you mind?"
She shook her head. "Nope."
"Where are Kylie and Candice?"
"Let's see," Liana started with a smirk, "Candice is at Gobstones Club, and Kylie is in Professor Snape's office."
"Is she in trouble?"
"You bet."
"What did she do?" Draco asked.
"She blew a loud raspberry at him in the middle of class."
"Why would she do that?" cried Draco, laughing along with her.
She shrugged. "Who knows." She eyed him. He was wearing a black shirt and denim shorts, cutting off just above his thighs. His skin was pale and his hair was too. His light blonde hair was swept back, silky and gelled. He looked good, like a model figure.
Just then, Pansy Parkinson walked up to them, a smile plastered on her face. Her face was… extra. Her cheeks were painted with blush, her skin thick with powder, lots of eyeliner and mascara decking her eyes, her lips practically coated with lipstick, ugh. She looked like a complete fool.
"You really didn't think about putting on more make-up?" Liana asked sarcastically.
She shrugged. "I didn't have time."
Liana sniggered, looking over at Draco. He was smirking. "Sucks for you," he said. "Did you need something?"
"I mean, you two were talking, so I thought I'd come in the middle!"
"Come in the middle?" Liana raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, join the conversation." She shrugged, her loose and wispy blonde hair bouncing.
"We were just talking about nothing in particular," Draco said casually, scooting over on the couch. "Liana, could you move?"
Liana jumped off the couch. "Don't bother," she said. "I think I'm going to go find someone to talk to. Bye, Draco." She waved at him and flipped out of the Common Room, running smack into her brother.
"Harry?"
"Oh! Erm, hi, Liana. Er… can we talk?"
Liana glanced at him. "Okay…"
"Well, we should go somewhere kind of private," Harry said.
Liana let him lead her to an empty classroom, and they sat down. "What do you want?" Liana asked harshly.
"Er… you know what's going on with our, uh, parents, right?"
Liana blinked. "Oh," she said. She'd been expecting another ultimatum about escaping school, or something about hanging out with Draco. But this was another topic that would be… awkward. But it was better than being yelled at. "Oh, yeah. I do."
"Well, I mean, what do we do to like, stop it?"
"I don't know. They're both being so stubborn and arrogant."
"I know," agreed Harry. "Maybe we can try talking to Mom?"
"Who's fault do you think it is?" Liana wondered. "I heard it's Mum's fault, but then someone said Dad started it by hexing Snape."
"Snape?" Harry's lip curled. "I support him on this one."
"Watch what you say about my Head of House," Liana said dangerously. "Here's what I think happened. Dad attacked Snape for no good reason, so Mom got mad at him. That sounds like something that would happen."
"No, I think Snape did something first," Harry disagreed. "And so Dad attacked him for it."
"If Snape did something, then Mom would support Dad for attacking him."
"You know what Mom's like," Harry pointed out. "She doesn't like Dad hurting people because he's overprotective."
"Okay," Liana allowed. "But they wouldn't get so mad over it. They wouldn't fight. You know how… loving they are."
"Mild way of putting it," Harry muttered. "But this is so awkward, I don't know what to talk about with them anymore."
"Then just don't talk to Mom," suggested Liana. "She teaches Modern Runes, it's not like-"
"Ancient Runes," corrected Harry.
"Whatever." Liana rolled her eyes. "She teaches Prehistoric Runes, it's not a core subject. You didn't choose it as an elective, so just don't talk to her. You don't have a class she teaches. And for Merlin's sake, Dad is at home. You're not gonna need to go talk to him."
"Fine," relented Harry. "How long is this going to go, though?"
"I don't know, but I honestly hope it ends soon," admitted Liana, surprising herself. "Honestly. They're acting like… children."
"I wish we could know what actually happened, though," Harry whined. "Like, the actual story. Not just these rumors."
"Who'll tell us, Mom?" scoffed Liana. "'Hey, Mom, I was wondering if you could tell us why you and Dad are not speaking to each other and blowing up at each other.'"
"Why not?"
"What the heck? Harry, that's so awkward! And… weird. Of course they wouldn't tell us, don't be absurd."
"Fine," relented Harry. "But I want to know what happened."
"Suit yourself," Liana replied, shrugging. "I have to go, Kylie and Candice are waiting."
"Okay. Er, bye," Harry mumbled.
"Bye," Liana responded, and as she walked away, she noticed that it was the first conversation since Hogwarts that she and Harry had in which they hadn't blown up at each other.
When Cho compared herself to Aliya, she felt insignificant.
Aliya was beautiful. Right now, Aliya was wearing a maroon shirt with frills and black tights. She topped the look. And Cedric was friends with Aliya. She could hear their conversation from here.
"Seriously, Aliya," Cedric laughed. "You're too…"
"Good?" Aliya suggested. "Funny? Great? Yeah, I agree."
"Oh, wow, we're matching," noted Cedric, looking down at his maroon sweater and black jeans.
Aliya smiled, and Cho felt the urge to go and kick her in the shin. Aliya and Cedric got on easily. Aliya didn't stutter around him. Ugh. The two of them were probably in a relationship.
"I can read your mind," Aliya sang. "Like we're made for each other."
Cedric laughed again. "Agreed." He leaned forward so that he was inches from her face and waggled his eyebrows. He whispered something to her that made her laugh, and Cho's hands clenched into fists. Aliya was perfect. Cho wasn't.
She watched as Aliya gave Cedric a hug and left. With her teeth grit together, anger surging through her body, and fists clenched, she turned back to her table swiftly, willing herself not to think about Cedric Diggory, Cedric Diggory, and Cedric Diggory.
Remus sat in his office, replaying the last night's events in his head.
It had happened.
It had happened.
Holy Merlin, it had happened.
The shocking factor was that she didn't seem to care. She wasn't repulsed that she'd been kissing a… a… a monster. A dirty monster. A hairy monster. A bloodthirsty monster.
A werewolf.
Most people shuddered at the very thought that he was a werewolf. And she… she wanted to be in a relationship. With him.
"I can't think rationally when I'm around you," she had whispered. In her intoxicating voice. He dazzled her. He made her feel the same way she made him feel. Wasn't that impossible?
He normally would've gone to James about something like this. But he felt that this was something private, something he didn't want to tell anyone, something he and Tonks should keep to themselves. And for Merlin's sake, James probably didn't want to hear if Remus had killed Dumbledore. The guy was wallowing in his self-pity.
Remus felt horrible for James. But now his mind was on something else… namely Tonks. The way she looked at him. The way her sweet, soft lips felt on his. The way her soft, cold hands felt on his chest. The way her silky, smooth hair felt beneath his fingers. The thought of her made him moan, want to just grab her and shove her against a wall and repeat their… "session" yesterday, except intensified.
Way intensified.
Dumbledore sighed, reclining in his chair and spinning around. He drummed his fingers against the table, deep in thought.
Lily and James were arguing.
It was a dumb argument.
The moment he'd heard the rumor that Severus was involved, he called Severus over for a talk. He should've been here right about now…
Knock.
"Come in, Severus."
Snape entered the doorway in robes of black, sitting down on the chair in front of Dumbledore. "You called?"
"Yes, actually." Dumbledore spun his chair around to face Snape. "You've heard about the fight between James and Lily Potter, I presume?"
A lot of emotions crossed Severus's face at that moment. Happiness? Sadness? Pain? Enthusiasm? Jealousy? Understanding? Confusion? Pleasure? Smugness? But then his expression twisted impassive as ever. "Yes, I have."
Dumbledore sighed. "What do you feel?"
"What do I say?"
"Let's start with how you feel about Lily's side of the equation."
Pain crossed his face. "I wish not to."
"I understand that this is… emotionally straining for you," Dumbledore began softly. "You loved her."
"I definitely did," snarled Severus. "I loved her more than I love myself. More than my mom, gosh darn, more than I hate Potter. I loved her like no one had loved anybody, and it's one-sided. It's not mutual. That already hurts me. Our friendship broke. As if that isn't enough, she goes and fills in my spot with the dumb James Potter! My nemesis. It wasn't some Johnson or Patterson, no, it was my arch-nemesis. Then, wow, they started falling in love. The two of them get together and get married. I don't know how I survived after that. Because me, my feelings for Lily, is not just an obsession. It's true love, I know. James's feelings for Lily is just an obsession, for Merlin's sake. James doesn't love her! He's wrong for her! He's all… wrong. He's unreliable. He'll go ditch her for some brunette or blonde, and she'll be miserable. But like none of this even mattered, you go and bring the worst pain, the nightmare of my life, the very people I am trying to forget, back into my life, into this school where I can't avoid them. Do you know how difficult it is not to talk to Lily? We've met in the hallways twice already this year, and all I can think of is the friendship we used to have. Not how she loves Potter, or how Potter "loves" her, or how I called her the unforgivable word, or how our friendship broke. I think of the one safe harbor I used to have. The one thing I used to escape my parents-" he flinched, "- and my dad. The one thing I could… I could rely on. And it's gone!"
There was a silence.
"Do you seriously think you can cap this in emotionally straining?" Severus asked in a deadly calm voice.
"No," agreed Dumbledore. "No, I don't. I'm sorry you have to go through this, Severus. I truly am."
"I know you are."
"Do you think it would be easier if you didn't ignore her?"
"No." Severus closed his eyes. "If this is why you call me here, then I'm seriously going to get up and leave right now, because this-"
"This is not why I called you here, Severus," Dumbledore said calmly, his eyes twinkling. "I heard that you were involved in this fight between the two of them. Care to explain?"
"This might be because Potter came and hexed me in the hallway," Snape replied. He didn't give any more information.
"Oh? Did he tell you why?"
Severus rolled his eyes. "'The next time you make my Lily upset, I swear to Merlin that I will hunt you down and murder you. This hex will seem like nothing to you.' And then he walks away."
"So you made Lily upset first," Dumbledore noted. "Any explanations on that?"
"How the heck could I have made her upset?" Severus demanded. "I don't even talk to her."
Dumbledore waited.
"Oh, Merlin." Snape sighed. "You can't blame me for that, you seriously can't. What do I say if I have to talk to her? Just… respect my choices, Dumbledore, as I respect yours."
"Oh, you definitely respect mine," Dumbledore said, smiling. "I don't know anyone else who puts themselves in your shoes, risking their lives everyday just to-"
"It's all right." Severus sighed. "I'm doing it."
"Even though Lily survived," Dumbledore pointed out. "You did it to save her life, and she's alive, yet you-"
"Please." Severus rolled his eyes. "Don't put this on a larger scale than it is on."
"You saved their lives, Severus," Dumbledore said softly. "You've done so much for them that they'll never know about. You're an unknown hero."
"Yes, yes, yes. We weren't talking about this, Dumbledore, we were talking about their argument."
"How happy does it make you?" Dumbledore asked.
"I- what?"
"You heard me."
"This argument… it doesn't make me happy," murmured Severus.
"Why? I thought you'd be ecstatic that there is a rift between the two of them."
"Oh, and see Lily upset?" Severus asked sarcastically. "I don't think so. I knew this would happen, Dumbledore, I told you. Potter isn't right for her, I know this, I said this. One day he'd make her upset. I'd never do that."
"But would she be happy with you in the first place?" Dumbledore asked softly. "You see her happiness with James, don't you? How can you deny that he's right for her?"
"I'm not petty," snapped Severus. "This is the reason I haven't murdered Potter and stuffed him in a bag yet. I see the happiness, and that makes this entire pain worse. But Potter isn't reliable. Lily is being deluded into this whole… fantasy that he's right for her."
Dumbledore sighed, rubbing his forehead. "All right. Keep going, though, do you think Lily wants to be on talking terms with you again?"
"Do you think you're my counselor?" retorted Severus.
"I'm doing this for your benefit, and Lily's."
"And James's," he snarled.
"Yes. And James's."
They stared at each other for a moment, Dumbledore's gaze calm and steady, and Snape's gaze annoyed and shaky.
"Fine," he grumbled. "Yes, I do. She thinks things can go back to the way things were before… before…"
"Before the day at the lake," whispered Dumbledore.
Severus's jaw clenched. "Don't remind me of that."
"But do you want to be on talking terms with her?"
He closed his eyes, and there was a long silence before he answered.
"Yes."