Harboring Feelings
Chapter 5: Harboring Feelings
Early October, 1993
Ginny was nervous.
Whenever she passed Harry, she felt jitters pass through her stomach. Her heart jumped. Her mouth jammed. Words wouldn't come out.
And she'd figured out why quickly enough. He was a hero. He'd saved her from dying at the hands of Tom Riddle last year, he was friendly, kind, and cool. And popular. Everyone was dying to be his friend.
Ginny made her way to the Gryffindor Common Room, and went up to Hermione's dormitory. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door.
"Coming, coming… Hey, Ginny!" Hermione smiled widely. "How's it going?"
"Fine," said Ginny nervously. "Er… can we talk?"
Hermione shrugged. "Sure."
Ginny walked into Hermione's dormitory. "Is anybody else here?"
"Lavender and Parvati are out chasing unicorns, and I have no clue where the others are. Nobody else is here though, so you can sit down."
Ginny plopped down on Hermione's bed. "Nice dorm."
"Thanks. Why are you here?" Hermione went straight to the point, didn't she.
"I… I have to talk to you about something."
Hermione looked amused. "I know."
"It's about Harry," Ginny admitted nervously.
Hermione nodded, a little too understandingly for her liking. "What about him?"
Ginny bit her lip. "I get shy around him, and I keep getting nervous when he's here. I want to stop! I'm not a shy person!"
"I know, Ginny," said Hermione sympathetically. "How about we do this slowly? Let's start with this. Why do you think you get so nervous in front of him?"
Ginny knew. But did Hermione need to? No. "I don't know."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I… stop looking at me like that!" Ginny cried. "I'm not three."
"I know, I know," said Hermione, quickly averting her gaze. "So… why do you find that you can't speak in front of him?"
"I don't know." Ginny was a bad liar, and she knew it. Apparently Hermione did too, because her face was disbelieving.
"Ginny, you have to start by telling somebody," Hermione soothed.
"I honestly don't know," Ginny offered.
"Ginny…"
"Okay, okay, fine!" Ginny cried. "I…" She looked around. "You know why, Hermione, don't make me say it."
Hermione looked triumphant. "I knew it!"
"Hermione!" Ginny crossed her arms over her chest. "Help me! Don't gloat."
"I'm not gloating," Hermione said. "Okay, Ginny… do you want it to go somewhere?"
"Obviously," muttered Ginny. "I don't want to get shy around him forever."
"I know that," Hermione pressed, "but I mean… about your secret?"
Ginny blushed. "I'm not used to all of this, Hermione, but I guess so."
"So you need to just get comfortable around boys," Hermione suggested. "Are you friends with… er… Colin Creevey?"
Ginny blanched. "He's disgusting!"
"He's in a lot of your classes."
"He's still disgusting."
Hermione sighed. "Any other boys?"
"Andrew Kirken," Ginny suggested brightly. "He's my friend."
"Okay, cool," said Hermione. "Can you talk in front of him?"
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Yesterday he got annoyed with me for talking too much about the interesting story of the pencil I dropped on the floor."
"How is that an interesting… Nevermind. So just imagine that Harry is practically the same person. Harry is your friend. He's not a famous celebrity, he's just a boy. He's a guy you can be friends with, okay?"
Ginny nodded. "Easy enough, but like… how do I get my crush on him to go away?"
"You don't need it to go away," Hermione advised. "Just come to terms with it."
Ginny groaned. "This is too theoretical and confusing. Can we cut to the point?"
Hermione laughed. "Relax. Talk to Harry. Get on with your life. Go around, make friends with other boys, date other boys, just move on. Turn into a popular, normal person, someone that Harry will like. And if he doesn't like you… there are other people. And he'll still be your friend."
"Is that it?" Ginny asked doubtfully. This seemed unbelievably easy.
"Yep."
"Okay," said Ginny. She turned to leave, pausing at the doorway. "And Hermione?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
Remus tried not to think about her. He tried not to think about how pretty her hair was, how beautiful her eyes were, how contagious her lovely, lovely smile was.
The operative word being try.
The door banged open, interrupting him from his thoughts. He quickly scrambled for a cup of coffee and some papers to make it look like he'd been doing something, not daydreaming about a woman he'd only met once.
"Hi, Professor Lupin?" Remus relaxed when he saw who it was. Ginny Weasley. "Is this a bad time?"
Yes, Remus thought, but he couldn't say that. He scanned her face, which looked confused and distraught. "Of course not, Ginny, come in."
Ginny walked inside, looking nervous. "This is kind of awkward…"
"It's completely okay," assured Remus. "I'm not here only for educational purposes. You can come to me for anything, emotional or educational."
Ginny gulped. "I know."
Kids could be insolent sometimes.
"So…" Remus pressed lightly - politely, but lightly.
"Well, er, I don't know how to say this, but I think I like someone."
Emotions flew through Remus, and his mind travelled back to the conversation he'd had with Lily. The conversation about his students liking... him. "Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well… how can I assist you about that?" Remus was confused. Kids were so unreadable sometimes. He tried his hardest, but at times like this, he was clueless.
"I don't know what to do," she said. Then she looked up, panic evident on her face. "Are you sure this isn't awkward or anything?"
"Not at all," said Remus lightly, pulling on the tablecloth. "Er… Would you like to start by telling me who it is?"
"What? No! I can't do that!"
Remus's eyes widened. "I see." This was going to be just… weird. "Well… how about you describe him?"
"He's older than me," Ginny started, and Remus almost screamed. This was bad. Very bad. This second-year, who was practically family, liked him. A thirty-three year old werewolf. "And he's popular."
Remus managed an, "Oh." Way to go, Remus, how articulate. To a student.
"He's on the Quidditch Team," Ginny continued, and Remus stopped.
"On the… Quidditch Team?"
Ginny blushed. "Yeah."
This couldn't be him… He didn't play for a Quidditch Team. He didn't even play it when he was in Hogwarts. And he was an adult now, too old to go play for a Hogwarts team. He was so relieved he almost cried.
Almost.
"So, Ginny," Remus said, "what can I do?"
Ginny bit her lip. "Whenever I see him, I get nervous and I can't talk in front of him. What do I do to stop that? Hermione told me to think of him as my friend and just get on with my life, and he'll like my true personality in the process, but I want your opinion."
"You want… my opinion?" Remus was touched. "All right, then, I can help."
"Thanks." Ginny looked extremely embarrassed. "You won't tell Dumbledore or anything, right?" Then her eyes widened, horrified. "You won't tell my mom. Please, not my mom, she'll kill me if she knows. Or Ron. No, don't tell Ron. Especially not Fred and George! Oh, what if you tell Bill? Or Percy? Merlin knows how Percy will… please not Percy." And there Ginny went, coming up with crazy people that Remus might tell. She had just gotten to Hagrid when he gently said,
"Ginny, I won't tell anybody."
She stopped. "Seriously?"
"Er… yeah."
"Thank you!" she gushed. "But uh… Can you help?"
"Certainly," he mused. "So to stop getting shy in front of him… do you have any plans on telling him how you feel?"
"No. That'd be mortifying."
"Okay…" Remus frowned. Kids thought so differently these days. James had taken no time in telling Lily how he felt about her. "Just calm down. He's a normal boy. Sort of forget what you think about him. Okay? Once you get to know him and you still feel that way… well… it'll work out. Maybe he'll feel for you too."
Ginny nodded. "Hermione said something like that too. Is this really how boys work?"
"I would guess so."
"Boys are weird," she muttered, and Remus opened his mouth to object before he decided against it.
"Anything else?"
"No."
"Okay, then, I'll see you around. I hope this helped. Please come to me if you need anything at all. Tell your family I said hello, okay?"
"Sure."
"Good day."
"Yeah, bye," she mumbled, and she was out the door.
"Hey, Moony," James said with a grin. "Lily said you wanted to talk?"
"Yeah, actually." Remus sat down across from him. "Er, how are you?"
"Good," replied James, frowning. "What happened to you? Why do you look… nervous?"
"I'm fine," assured Remus.
"Oh," said James.
There was a pause. James inspected his friend, trying to figure out why he looked so… weird. He couldn't quite put his finger on it.
"Well, what did you want to ask me?" asked James finally.
"It's… well…" Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "You never mentioned that Nymphadora worked with you."
"What?" asked James, unsure if he was hearing right. "You mean Tonks? What about her?"
"Well, you never said that she worked in the Auror Department with you."
"Er, okay? You never told me Professor Vector taught Arithmancy?"
Remus sighed. "That's not the point. She's in… She's in her third year of training, I think. So you've known her for three years? And you never mentioned her?"
"Uh, Moony? What's going on? Why would I have mentioned her?" James was puzzled.
"I don't know. I mean, she was Sirius's cousin. And, well, she said you were her friend. I just can't believe you never mentioned her."
James frowned. "Why does it matter?"
Remus didn't answer, and James's eyes widened.
"You met her, didn't you?" James watched his friend closely. "You… You met her somewhere? Was she mean to you? Did she say something about you?"
"What?" asked Remus incredulously. "Of course not."
But James wasn't listening. It was obvious that Tonks had insulted his friend; why else would Remus be acting this way? Remus always made himself out to be the submissive one to all of the prejudiced jerks in the world. James just couldn't believe she would insult him over something like his lycanthropy. She would've probably found out through the Ministry, but he had thought she was smarter than that. He hadn't though she would've been so prejudiced...
"I'll have a word with her, Moony," assured James, feeling angry all of a sudden. "Don't worry."
"What?" repeated Remus. "What are you going to say?"
"I'll tell her, don't worry. The important thing is that you don't get upset because of what she says." James stood up and clapped Remus on the back with as much cheer as he could muster. "Okay?"
"What?" asked Remus, looking at James as though he had sprouted a third head. "But… But Prongs, she didn't say anything to me! It's fine!"
"You don't need to be scared of her, Moony. It's okay. I can't believe she would insult you like that, though."
"Insult me?"
"Yeah. I'll talk to her. Don't worry, Remus. I'll take care of this."
"Don't! What the heck, James? What are you…"
"I've got this under control," James interrupted. "Seriously, you don't have to be so nervous. She's just an idiot if that's what she's got to say about you. Anyway, I'll see you later, Moony, I'm going to go see Lily."
And he left the room.
Lily was on her way to McGonagall's office so they could go over some signatures together. She was holding a stack of papers, and she quickly made to shuffle one when she bumped into a man with black robes.
Severus Snape.
"Sorry, I-" She looked up and saw who it was. His black eyes looked genuinely shocked for a moment, and then they reverted to the usual cold manner. He'd been acting rather like Liana lately; he seemed to keep avoiding her whenever she came near. "Sorry, Severus."
He didn't reply, he just picked up the papers and notebooks he'd been holding and made to move forward.
"Severus?" Lily asked, wondering what she could say. He'd been ignoring her for quite a while now, and she missed the friendship they used to have, where they would just talk and she'd confide her biggest worries and biggest dreams in him.
He turned, his eyes fixated on a spot just above her hair.
"You dropped your… pen." Lily handed him a black ink pen (did he not use quills?) and he reached out and took it, jerking his hand back. He started to move away again, but she stopped him.
"Wait, Severus!"
He turned around again, pain etched into his features, like he was being restrained from talking to her.
"Why aren't you talking to me?" she asked. "Please, talk to me," she begged. "I miss you."
Severus's eyes flashed with an emotion - was it shock? Pain? - before his face was stone-cold again. He blinked once before striding away again, as if she'd never said anything.
Lily felt tears form in her eyes. She couldn't help it. Friendships were valuable, and she had a feeling this one had closed forever.
Pull it together, she told herself. He's a shady git. Don't let him decide your life for you.
But she missed him. They'd used to be friends. Was it because of James? Severus had always hated James, after all. They were enemies, and he couldn't stand the very mention of him.
But James had changed. He'd stopped hexing people for the thrill of it.
So why hadn't Severus seen the change?
Lily sighed and wiped her eyes. It wouldn't do for a teacher to break down in the hallway of Hogwarts, anyway. She was going to be late for her meeting with McGonagall.
She knocked on her door nervously, taking one last sniff.
"Come in!"
Lily entered and sat down. "Hello, Minerva."
"Hi, Lily," said McGonagall. "You know, it feels like yesterday you came into this same room to discuss your N.E.W.T. options."
Lily laughed. "I've grown now, huh."
"You sure have," McGonagall said, smiling. "I'm glad you're my colleague."
Lily grinned. "Thanks. Me too. Like, about you, I mean, not myself, well, not like I don't want to be here, bleh. You know what I mean."
McGonagall laughed. "I do. So, we're here to discuss… Are you okay?"
Shoot. Lily was still red-eyed. "Yeah." Lily brushed her eye with the back of her hand. "Just… poked myself," she offered feebly.
"You do that everyday, don't you?" asked McGonagall dryly.
Lily smiled weakly. "Only on some days." Her lame attempt at humor was confirmation like none other that she was not okay.
"What happened?" McGonagall asked warmly, the brisk, teacher tone vanishing.
Lily bit her lip, debating whether or not to tell the truth. She decided on some of it. "I ran into Severus."
Understanding flashed in McGonagall's eyes. "Oh."
Lily shrugged at an attempt to be casual. "Yeah, well, it's no big deal, just… I don't know."
McGonagall frowned. "It's not no big deal. Is he being… mean to you?"
"No," said Lily quickly. "He's just… acting like he doesn't know me."
"Does he talk to you?" McGonagall asked. Shoot. Why was she asking all the questions Lily was carefully avoiding the answer to?
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, though, so if we can just get on with our business," said Lily politely.
McGonagall nodded. "Of course. But remember… you can always come to me if you need anything."
"Yep. Sure. I mean, yeah. Yes. I will." Lily closed her eyes, pulling herself together. "I will. Thank you, Minerva."
"No problem."
Severus Snape closed his eyes.
Ignoring Lily was getting tougher and tougher. Especially when she sounded on the verge of tears. But he had to. He didn't know how he'd handle it if he had to talk to her. It was too much emotional strain on him.
It was bad enough when he heard that Remus Lupin was taking the job. Of Defense. The subject he'd wanted. But like that wasn't enough, he knew that James Potter kept sneaking into the darn place. He'd caught sight of James telling Peeves to spill water on him twice, and Peeves hadn't succeeded.
Yet.
But he couldn't evade it forever. Dumbledore merely laughed with a twinkle in his eye when Severus told him James was in the castle. So the eccentric codger knew that James was sneaking in. But he wasn't doing anything.
Dumbledore could be so weird.
Now Lily. He missed Lily's friendship more than anybody could imagine. That was the prime reason he was ignoring her, anyway. He would start crying or yelling or being really cold if he had to talk to her. Ignoring her was better for both of them.
And James…
None of this would've happened if it weren't for him. If James hadn't existed, it would be Severus who would hold Lily's hand, Severus who would smile at Lily during breakfast, and Severus who would have the title of being Lily's husband. Being her friend just wasn't enough. And if it wasn't for James… James! Any other man, he would've taken time to accept. But this time, it was also about him. James had tortured him. Bullied him. Hung him from trees. Hexed him. And he had never gotten in trouble. It wasn't fair.
Not one bit.
Severus knew he should be happy for Lily. If he truly loved her, he would accept who she loved.
But it was James.
And that was next to impossible.
"Where's James?" boomed a guy named Tucker, crossing his arms and frowning down at Tonks, the only other one in the room. "He's supposed to help me write my report tonight."
"Yeah, he was," Tonks lied, "but he's out on a mission now."
Tucker scrunched up his face. "What mission?"
Tonks ran a hand through her strawberry red hair, thinking back to the lie they'd come up with. "Some guy is stealing cattle in-"
"Cattle?" Tucker spat, saliva spraying from his mouth. "How is that important?"
Tonks shrugged. "They're being stolen. Lots of animals have been stolen recently. He was in charge of the chickens last week, remember?"
"Oh right," grumbled Tucker. Tonks stifled a laugh. There were no stolen animals. Or cattle. Or chickens. The 'cattle' James were saving were probably happily munching on grass, oblivious to the story they'd helped make.
"Send him your paperwork by owl, though," suggested Tonks casually. "He'll get it done."
Tucker huffed. "He'd better." Then he turned and swiftly left.
As soon as he'd gone, Tonks was all alone in the room. Her mind travelled to Remus Lupin, like it had so many times after their encounter.
He was so kind. And caring. And his smile was full of warmth and youth that made it impossible to remember his age of thirty-three. Which was still young.
Why had James never mentioned him before? He was Sirius's friend after all, he should have brought him up in some topic. They'd talked about Sirius before. And Peter. But never once had they talked about Remus. Or maybe he had, and she just wasn't listening. That happened a lot.
"Tonks?" came a voice, jerking her back to reality. It was Gawain Robards.
"Hey, Gawain," she greeted, looking around and grabbing a piece of paper. "Just… reading through some files."
Gawain nodded. "Yeah."
"Did you need something?" Tonks asked, not unkindly. She liked Gawain's company, but at the time, she wanted to dwell in her thoughts, which mostly resorted to a tall, kind, man with light scars and shabby robes, with light speckled hair, a soothing voice, and a-
"...right?"
Tonks blinked. "Huh?"
"I said, Jeremy's being really annoying. He's had two weeks to get the darn paperwork done, but he hasn't. He keeps trying to chat with Barney."
Tonks smirked. "Poor Barney."
"I know, right?" Gawain asked. "And Tucker's in a bad mood because of James. Is he really on a mission about stolen cattle?"
"Yep."
"Oh." Then Gawain frowned and squinted at Tonks. "How come you always know where James goes?"
"He's my friend, Gawain," Tonks muttered.
"Yeah… but half the time even, like, our boss doesn't know. You always do. Funny, eh?"
Tonks managed a smile, her thoughts somewhere else. "Yeah."
Gawain stretched. "All right, well, just thought I'd check in. I gotta get back, Michelle's waiting for me."
An image of Remus waiting for her at home flashed in Tonks's mind, and she blinked. "Oh. Okay, Gawain, see you around."
Gawain waved and popped out of the room.
Once he had gone, Tonks's thoughts immediately flew hectic.
What was happening to her? She had only met him once, she had only talked to him for a few minutes, and that too at Honeydukes. Yet all she wanted to think about was him. All she could do was think about him, and how lovely his smile was, and how comforting his voice sounded. How mature he looked, in a way that made him look handsome, though not in a James-like way.
She was going to explode if she didn't see him again, but she was going to explode if she did see him again.
Darn it.
This was going to be hard.
Remus went to bed dreaming about her. Dreaming about her pretty hair, and her beautiful eyes, and her contagious, lovely, lovely smile.
Little did he know that the woman plaguing his dreams was dreaming about him too.