Unanswered Questions

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light (no light)
Tell me what you want me to say

-No light, no light by Florence + the machine

His eyes slowly blinked open, struggling against dawn’s light spilling across the room. Theo felt a tremble next to him, like something turning. He didn’t feel like moving. He was comfortable under the sheets and curled against the cool bedsheet, like a butterfly resting on a petal that pleasantly quivered in the morning breeze.

A faint throb of pain lodged in his head. His limbs were limp. He felt too exhausted to sit up.  He felt like he was weighed down by rocks.

Theo needed more sleep, then a breakfast fit for three people and heavy dose of painkillers to knock him out for the rest of the day. Maybe a strong cup of tea too. Let the rest of the world go to hell.

His mind pieced together memories from the previous night like broken glass. Vague echoes of the nightmare spun in his mind.  Broken screams and bone chilling laughter pushed to the surface of his mind.

Water

The edges of his mind would slide into the same memory

He felt like he was straining to shove thoughts through a heavy sludge.

More details flooded through him :Anthony’s voice lilting through the door, Eloise next to him, caught between horror and laughter, like something woven out of a moonlit lake in his worst nightmares in that ridiculous silk nightgown.

A bolt of realization shot through him.

He turned to his right and there she was, face squished against the pillow with her brown hair fanning around her head as small snores escaped her mouth. He wanted to kick himself for not noticing she was there earlier. She had slept there, next to him.

Theo felt like he was in a dreamlike tilt, as everything sharpened in his mind with a sickening rush.

He remembered. He remembered. He remembered.

That was the worst of it: Theo remembered.

All of it:

 The feel of her wrist’s pulse against his fingers as he asked her to stay.

The look of worry. The way his last name sounded in his mouth. Her hand against his elbow.

The way the slant of moonlight had illuminated the curve of her cheek, the classic glint in her eye.

He squeezed his eyes shut but the ache in his head only strengthened. He blinked his eyes open, trying to assess the damage.

 His relief upon noticing that she wasn’t under his blanket trickled away when he noticed that her nightgown had been dragged up to her thigh, gathered around her in waves of silk.

Theo just wanted to lie down and die.

He needed a restraining order from his thoughts and to keep that filter between his brain and mouth on a leash.

“Hey”, he hissed. He tried lifting his head up and the sharp pain nailed further into his hard. He wildly thought a pumpkin had grown from his skull.

Theo’s hand crawled to her elbow, fingers wrapping around it like a dying man grasped at a lifeboat. He kept his gaze fixed on her face, trying to look anywhere but her stupid legs.

“Bridgerton”, his voice felt like stone against stone, “get up.”

She scrunched her nose, and let out a small noise,

“Bugger off, Pen. Y’know I don’t have classes today.”

Sweet lord, she thought he was Penelope Featherington. He couldn’t hold back a full throaty laugh that he was surprised belonged to him. Eloise stirred, her eyelids slowly fluttering. She squinted and turned, rubbing her eyes, head facing the ceiling.

“What—“, she mumbled, turning and staring right at his face.

“Hello”, Theo croaked, laughing again when her mouth fell open.

“What on earth?”, she scrambled out of bed. She looked around her, taking in the room, her mouth widening by a millimetre every second.

“Slept well?, Theo asked. What the hell was he doing?

She seemed to share his sentiment. She glared at him, which would have been slightly piercing if she didn’t look like a ruffled baby bird. Her stupid nightgown had slipped off her shoulder and those goddamn collarbones were the last thing he needed to see in the ass crack of dawn.

“I assume you did”, he said. Why was he still talking? “you haven’t looked this relaxed since I met you.”

She ran her hands through her hair (in vain), “This was your fault!”, she snapped.

 Theo felt a familiar stab of irritation, “I asked you to sit until my ass fell asleep. Nobody asked you to stay the night.”

Eloise was fuming. If this was a cartoon, steam would blowing out of her ears.

“You piece of shi—”

“Now, is that a way to treat a sickly guest?”, Theo figured if he was going to die anyway, he could accept that the filter would never return. He might as well be wiped out while getting under Eloise’s skin.

“Did anyone come?”, she asked, her voice clipped with urgency, turning away from him. Theo ignored the small pang of disappointment when Eloise adjusted the neckline of her nightgown.

“No”, Theo said. He was a light sleeper and would have noticed, “you should leave, just in case Big Brother pays a visit to check whether I died in my sleep.”

“Tell him not to get his hopes up.”, Eloise said, now facing him, “I would prefer the honour of killing you myself.”

She still looked furious. He still couldn’t understand why. She was probably angry at herself for not leaving when he fell asleep. ClassicBridgerton, he thought savagely, unable to accept when she is at fault.

“For the record”, Theo said, “I wasn’t too thrilled either.”

Eloise gave him a piercing stare and he self-consciously bunched the sheets around his waist and turned on his side. If she doesn’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

“I will head back to my room”, she said stiffly, “and pretend to be dead if anyone wakes me up.”

“You slept comfortably.”, Theo added, “if your morning snores were anything to go by.”

Eloise paused at the door, “So did you, Sharpe, considering the drool around your mouth.”

Theo’s burning cheeks had nothing to do with his headache. He wiped the edge of his mouth with a sleeve.

“Care to explain why you’re looking at my mouth, Bridgerton?”, he asked, trying to grin.

She gave him one of her characteristic scowls and he watched her feet disappear without a word.

He settled back into the pillow, closing his eyes against the weak light of dawn. He expected sleep to return without hesitation. Instead, his mind kept wandering to the vast space beside him, sheets left wrinkled. Not a piece of him could deny how aware he was of the heavy emptiness in the bed. Her tossing and turning beside him felt almost natural. He was unnaturally warm under the blanket and tossed it aside.

Theo grabbed the pillow next to him and let the morning birdsong lull him back to sleep. 

When he woke up, it was to sharp rapping on the door. A woman he didn’t know poked her head through the door.

“Hello”, she said, “my name is Rosie.”

Theo slowly blinked, his brain foggy. He yanked the blanket up to his chin.

“Uhm, are you one of Eloise’s sisters?”

“No no”, she laughed, “I am Daphne’s maid.”

How many maids did this house have? He thought furiously. The name ‘Daphne’ was familiar. Was she Eloise’s younger sibling who was a piano maestro? Or was she Eloise’s older sister studying medicine?

“I heard you are staying with us sir. I am quite good at tending to wounds if you need me to check—”

“Rosie!”, Anthony’s voice boomed out of nowhere. Theo nearly fell off the bed.

 “You just got back! You have enough on your plate. I’ll have someone else fuss over the lad.”

“I don’t need—” Theo said but the servant who gave him Colin’s old clothes burst in, holding another set of shirts and slacks, along with a plate of toast, what looked like porridge and fruits he had never seen before.

“You need to eat sir”, she said when he tried to say he would much rather go to the dining hall, “We thought you’d be more comfortable in bed.”

As he brushed his teeth, he noticed in the mirror that his small cuts were scabbing, and no longer hurt. His limbs still ached more than ever but he was assured that a painkiller after breakfast would do wonders. He touched the bruise under his eye, still dark and painful. All he could remember was the way his breathing steadied when the bruise was traced the previous evening, with a delicate touch preserved for petals and paintings—

He is not going there.

He shoved the thoughts away as he scarfed down the porridge and toast. The fruits were peaches, neatly cut and peeled, its bright orange flesh sour and fresh. As he took his painkillers and readied for a shower, Benedict walked in.

“I am sorry we didn’t have you downstairs.”, he said, closing the door behind him, “our mum, Francesca and Daphne are back. Our grandmother is visiting.”

“Can’t have her seeing you housing me, I suppose.”, Theo said, ignoring the sting.

Benedict winced, “Sorry, no that’s not it. Trust me, you don’t want to go down there in your pyjamas. Our mum knows your…situation”, he said, pointing under his eye, “But our grandmother just thinks you’re staying for a couple of days because your parents are out of town.”

Theo bristled, “How are you going to explain my injuries?”

Benedict tilted his head with a small smile, “Shower and get dressed. Then, I’ll introduce you to a very special item called a concealer.”

“I’m surprised you know how to do this.”, Theo said, unable to keep the awe from his voice half an hour later when Benedict was slowly dabbing under his eye with a thick, pasty flesh coloured…thing and blending it with a sponge.

“It’s very much like art.”, Benedict said, stepping back to admire his handiwork, “I first used the orange thing because it cancels out the red purplish tinge of the bruise before applying the concealer. You’re lucky Daphne let me borrow it.”

“Is that how you learnt?”, Theo blinked in marvel. The bruise under his eye was hardly visible, and he didn’t think Grandmother Bridgerton would look at him too closely to notice he was concealing something.

“Sort of.”, Benedict said,” Eloise wouldn’t let mother touch her with makeup so I was the only one allowed. Unfortunately, that one took too many falls as a kid, inconveniently only when I was babysitting her. You’re lucky your wounds didn’t mess up your face too much.”

“Cheers, Benedict.”

Benedict ruffled Theo’s hair, “You’re in my house this time. Call me Ben.”

Even though Theo quite literally risked his balls talking the way he did last night to Anthony (a memory he didn’t know whether to laugh at or bury his face into a pillow while recalling), there was an ease in his conversations with Benedict. He had an easy, open demeanour. The fact that Theo was used to sharing a living space with him at Granville’s house helped.

“Do you talk to…him when you are here?”, Theo asked.

Theo could see him purse his lips in the mirror so tightly, Theo remembered why he initially mistook Anthony for Benedict.

“Not as much as I should.”, Benedict said heavily, “ A few calls. That’s it.”

“He misses you.”, Theo said hesitantly.

“You think I don’t?”, Benedict said softly, “Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Not a second goes by when I don’t think of him.”

“Sounds tough.”

Benedict shook his head, “Thoughts of him aren’t like plagues, unwelcome and painful. It’s like…those moments when you’re suddenly aware of your own heartbeat.”

Theo couldn’t think of any response to that. He didn’t think “You should’ve been an English major” would be appropriate. He opened his mouth to ask if Benedict would return to the cottage when there was a loud knock on the door. Benedict shook himself.

“Just come downstairs in five minutes.”, Benedict said, clapping Theo on the shoulder in a way that was almost brotherly.

When Theo went downstairs, he saw the entire Bridgerton family sitting on the couches, with small porcelain cups in his hand.  

“Mother”, Anthony rose, “meet Theo, our guest.”

“Ah”, a tall woman got up and strode towards him. Her brown hair had flecks of grey in it, and was pulled back into an elegant bun. She had a warm twinkle in her eye not different from Benedict. She smiled as she neared him, the apples of her cheeks pink and glinting “I am Violet Bridgerton.”

Theo shook her hand, “Nice to meet you Ms. Bridgerton. Your house is lovely and your family has been incredibly welcoming.”

She waved her hand, her smile widening so much Theo wondered if she experienced genuine joy out of it, “Call me Violet, dear. Let me introduce you to Daphne”, she pointed at the girl in the seat behind her. She then gestured towards the pianoforte, “and Francesca, and Francesca’s er, uhm,—”

“Girlfriend.”, Francesca, Benedict and Eloise supplied in unision.

“Yes”, Violet said, reddening but recovering in an instant, “Her girlfriend, Michaela has joined us for her holiday.”

Francesca and Michaela waved at him from the pianoforte and Theo gave a polite smile. Michaela gave a sort of strained grin in response, which looked more like a grimace.

“Michaela is like family.”, Violet said quickly, with a warm smile, “I wish I was here to receive you, Theo. I hope we can make your stay comfortable.”

Violet almost sounded like a hotel manager. Theo thanked her and watched as she walked towards Francesca and Michaela, made a pretty picture together. The family looked like they had all emerged from a portrait, painted by smiles and money.

Daphne rose to shake his hand. ‘Disney princess’ seemed like an accurate description. She was very pretty, with delicate features and a pleasant smile.

“Hello, Theo”, she said smiling, “I’d like to apologize for whatever you faced here when I wasn’t around.”

“He was perfectly comfortable, was he not?”, Eloise said icily from the corner. She was sitting in a short dress with a loose white cardigan.

“I was perfectly fine, Ms. Bridgerton”

Daphne smiled kindly, “If you call my mother Violet, you must call me Daphne. May I ask how you…”, she trailed off.

Eloise’s mouth opened to answer, but Violet cut in, “He is Colin’s junior. He is just visiting for a couple of days because Colin is taking him as a guest for the party tomorrow.”

Theo’s blood ran cold. He didn’t even look at Violet, or Anthony and Benedict who cast her a confused look, but straight at Eloise who wouldn’t meet his eye. She focused on stirring her tea.

“A package arrived for you”, she said swiftly, “I’ll take you—”

Daphne clicked her tongue, “I’ll just ask Rosie.”

“No”, Anthony said hurriedly, cottoning on, “let her rest. I have the other maids busy.”

A look of understanding dawned on Daphne’s face. Theo nodded at them with a smile and made a move to follow Eloise outside into the garden.

“My Grandmother,”, Eloise said quietly, “that is my father’s mother, is visiting today. That’s why the rest of my family has arrived earlier than expected. She will have a field day about well”, she gestured towards him.

It clicked, “Having a boy as a guest.”, he said.

She nodded, “It is stupid and unfortunate, but she will blame my mum first.” Her jaw tightened, “tell her she didn’t raise me right and how upset my dad would be. It’s not worth the trouble.”

He turned the idea over in his mind. He didn’t mind it much. Colin didn’t seem too bad.

Theo squinted, the sun’s bright light making it almost difficult to look at Eloise. Her cheeks were soaked in the glow. The soft spring breeze ruffled the collar of her cardigan like it was turning a page.

“What about this party?”

Eloise winced, “I didn’t know you’d be involved in that. We go to this massive party thrice every year- once during the spring, usually the Easter holiday, then during the summer and again in the winter. It is a family tradition we indulge in with other families we network with.”

“I have to come?”, Theo couldn’t think of anything worse.

Eloise rolled her eyes, “We were planning on not going this year but our Grandmother insisted for some godforsaken reason. It puts us in a tough spot, especially my mother. She can’t say no.”

Theo’s stomach lurched. This party was on the next day, his sister’s birthday. He was supposed to spend his Easter break with his family, drinking his father’s lemonade with his little sister opening his badly wrapped birthday present in their small living room. He didn’t want to go to the party.

Eloise genuinely looked sorry, “I apologize. I really didn’t know you’d be involved but when my grandmother demanded to know why “Colin”, she drew air quotes, “brought you here, my mother couldn’t think of any other reason.”

“I can back out, can’t I?”, Theo asked desperately.

Eloise rubbed her forehead, “That’s what I thought too. I knew you wouldn’t want to come.”

Her gaze pierced him and Theo for a minute thought that maybe she understood him in a sense he didn’t expect.

“Theo?”, Violet poked her head outside of the door, “Could you give me your address, darling? I’d like to invite your family to our ball.”

Theo closed his eyes in frustration. He forced himself to smile, “I appreciate it Ms”, he caught himself, “Violet, I don’t know if they would—”

“No harm in asking, is there”, Violet said cheerfully, “Eloise told us you might prefer being with them so I thought they’d like to visit us.”

“I—”

Eloise nudged her foot against his. He looked at her. She mouthed “Please”, a flash of desperation streaking across her face and disappearing so quickly he thought he imagined it.

Theo sighed, “Sure, I’ll write it and give it to you.”

“I’m sorry”, Eloise whispered as Violet walked back in. Theo’s eyes stung. He couldn’t look at her, or believe she was innocent. The moment she moved her hand towards his shoulder, he wrenched himself away.

“Please, Sharpe—”

“Of course you’d want this”, Theo said. Anger was churning under his skin, throbbing in his ears, “you want me to come to your fancy party, look at everything I don’t have.”

Her jaw dropped and she tried to interrupt, but that angered him even more

“What’s your goal, Bridgerton? To outshine me even now during the Easter holidays by making me feel inferior. Even worse, you’re dragging my family into this.”

“That was never my intention”, Eloise said, her eyes glassy, “why would you think I’d rub this in your face? I tried getting you out of it.”

“And you made it worse”, Theo snapped, “You didn’t even warn me, and you had plenty of opportunities to.”

The memory of last night burned through him, and pricked him at the corner of his eyes. He remembered thinking she was nothing but a cold, vicious brat and for once, it hurt him to be right.

“How dare you?” Eloise was inches away from him, every line of her body hard and angular, “I took you in. I helped you and you accuse me of being so insensitive because I made one mistake?”

“Congratulations”, he said icily, “you experienced a little bit of empathy for the first time. This is yet another congratulations you actually didn’t do enough to earn.”

Eloise went red, “What is this really about?”

He turned and stalked away, the anger so intense he clenched his fists to prevent them from shaking. How dare she? To hell with these rich people. He hoped his family would curse them out and demand for him to return.

“Theo?”, Violet asked, scurrying over with a notepad

“Violet”, he said quickly, “could you please tell them that you saw me cycling around here or something and invited me.”

“Oh dear”, she pursed her lips, “they don’t know about your accident?”

Theo shook his head, ignoring the flare of guilt by focusing on writing his landline and the address.

“Well, I understand you wouldn’t want them to worry.”, Violet said warmly, “You must know, we will provide your family with everything needed. The party is tomorrow, and Colin will arrive tonight so you can get acquainted.”

He nodded, “and uhm, your mother in law?”

Violet’s smile faded, “I don’t know her agenda. But she’s got no filter, so just smile and nod and ignore. Even Eloise does the same.”

Theo couldn’t imagine Eloise being quiet. This Grandmother must be something.

Right on cue, the bell rang and he could see Violet mouthing numbers like she was calming herself. She hurried to open the door, waving away the maids.

“Mary”, Violet said, “welcome.”

Theo felt a sharp pinch at his elbows. Benedict and Anthony shoved him behind them in unison, almost protectively. Daphne had her arm linked with Anthony and Eloise stood stiff-backed next to Benedict. Theo noticed her eyes had become red and felt an unfamiliar stab in his chest. He made her cry.

He saw from the corner of the eye, Michaela leap up from the seat by the piano as if it burned her. He saw a vein in Benedict’s neck jump, his face cold.

Gregory and Hyacinth ran towards the door

“Grandma!”

The heels clacked against the door , along with the thump of a cane that resounded against the floor.

“You still haven’t changed the maids I see”, a high pitched voice said, “Violet, Edmund wasn’t the only one with dust allergy.”

An old lady made her way through the room. She was tall and bony, her skin stretched over her face. She was dressed elegantly in a dress. Her posture was stiff and straight like someone had taped a stick to her back to keep her upright.

She rove her eyes over the Bridgerton children.

“Gregory, Hyacinth”, she said, looking  at them with no warmth. She gave them two of her bags before assessing the rest. Her thin lip curled,

“Anthony, Benedict, I almost thought you were twins for a second. You look so much like my boy, I nearly fainted.” She turned to Daphne, “And Daphne”, she smiled, an expression that looked so unsettling Theo had to look away, “dearest, you look lovely as ever. How is Simon treating you?”

“Splendidly, Grandma, and my medicine degree is as gruelling as ever”

“Nothing you can’t manage, I’m sure, my cleverest.” Grandmother Mary’s smile widened, “Edmund would be proud.”

Theo couldn’t shake the feeling that Daphne seemed to glow under her praise. Gregory mimed vomiting behind Mary’s back. He watched as Mary greeted Francesca, shook hands with Michaela (who was introduced as Francesca’s “friend”) before finally turning her attention to Eloise.  

“Your hair has grown rather strangely, dear. And you could do some good trying to dress like Daphne.”

Benedict cleared his throat, slowly pressing a palm against Eloise’s back.

Eloise gave her a wooden smile, “Nice to see you again too, Grandma.”

A sudden sound came from the doorway, which was blocked by a large ugly vase. Theo watched on in horror as a smile crept its way across Mary’s face like a wine stained crack in a wall, “Oh, Eloise, I think you’ll finally be pleased with the present I got you this year.”

She turned towards the door way and footsteps echoed across the room as a man walked in. Theo fought to keep his porridge in as he recognized his face above Benedict’s shoulder- the sharp eyebrows, cruel slant of the mouth, cold grey eyes and of course, the bruises on his knuckles. The last time saw them was when he was on the ground while the man hovered over him the day prior, laughing with blood on his teeth from Theo’s punch. Something rose in Theo- anger, his breakfast and a cold river of dread- as he looked at the face of Victor Crane.

“Eloise”, Grandmother gave a delightful cackle, “I brought you a boy. He’ll be your date for tomorrow’s ball. I take that you’re familiar with the grandson of my dear old friend.”

Eloise’ face drained of colour, “Crane?”

“Oh, Eloise”, Victor gave a bow, his eyes glittering as he took Eloise’s hand and raised it towards his mouth, “I insist that you call me Victor. I was just as flabbergasted as you are now when I first saw you for the first time, although that was really because of how pretty you are.”

Victor had barely brushed his lips against her knuckles when Eloise wrenched her hand away and scrambled back. A surge of petty triumph flooded Theo’s head.

Theo fought back a smile. Goddamn it, he was proud of her.

Eloise stared at her mother who gave her an apologetic look, like a helpless foal.

Theo looked to his left and saw Anthony and Daphne looking at their grandmother and Victor with open mouthed horror.

“But—” , Anthony spluttered, “Eloise will only turn twenty this year!”

“I know”, Victor had a look of hunger that made Theo’s skin crawl, “I am turning twenty one. I’d like to be betrothed within a year after I graduate, so probably by next to next year.”

“Betrothed?”, Eloise snarled, and the intensity with which she bit out the word tore through him, “That’s not happening. I didn’t agree to anything. I refuse—”

“Hush, silly girl”, Grandmother Mary barked, “I am not asking you to get betrothed straight away. But if you wish to continue English Literature of all things, I think it is prudent for you to at least be engaged after your undergraduate.”

“But I don’t want to!”

Daphne secured a man when she was your age and is still with him.” Grandmother Mary turned towards Daphne as if Eloise hadn’t spoken, “you plan on marrying him right before pursuing your masters right?”

Theo saw Eloise shake her head behind Mary’s back, mouthing “Please say no” at Daphne. He turned to see Daphne hang her head low, “yes, Grandma. We both wish to pursue our masters after getting at least engaged.”

Anthony cut in, “It’s not anybody’s call but Eloise’s—”

“Anthony”, Violet said softly, “please.”

Anthony looked furious, “I think she can speak for herself then.”

“But it is my call!”, Eloise cried and suddenly fell silent at the expression on Violet’s face.

Theo glanced at Eloise. She bit her lip, her nose reddening and turned  towards Victor, but he wasn’t looking at her.

Grandmother Mary followed Victor’s gaze to Theo and he felt strangely exposed.

Benedict cleared his throat, “This is Colin’s friend, Grandma. Theo Sharpe.”

“Sharpe”, she enunciated on the last syllable and he hated the way it sounded in her mouth, “that name does not sound familiar.”

Victor leaned forward to whisper something in her ear and Theo clenched his fists, swallowing his anger like it was a lump in his throat, a hard piece of ice that refused to melt even in his burning urge to throttle Victor.

Grandmother Mary’s lip curled in a way that reminded him painfully of Eloise, “Ah. Well, Colin was always the rather charitable type.”

Theo bit back a retort.

He turned to see Eloise’s reaction, almost out of instinct only to see the heel of her shoe disappear into a room like it had this morning.

Violet made a move but Victor leapt in.

“I’ll go, Violet”, Victor smiled, “This is good practice for me.”

“Practice?”, Benedict asked incredulously

“I don’t have enough experience with women’s ah”, Victor smirked, “delicate sensibilities. I should learn if I were to be her boyfriend.”

Like hell

Theo couldn’t stay there any longer. He might burst.

“Excuse me for a minute”, he said, making sure to shoot Victor a scathing look, satisfied when he noticed the dark scratch down his neck and cut on his jaw where Theo’s watch had struck him. Whoever helped Victor conceal his wounds clearly did a poor job.

“Victor, why don’t we have a talk before lunch”, Theo heard Anthony say.

When Theo turned into the corridor, he realized she had taken the stairs ahead. Strangely, he had a feeling he knew where she would be. He climbed up the stairs and walked towards the room on the opposite side of his guest room.

As he raised his fist to knock on the door, he suddenly stopped himself, as if his body had carried him here without thinking. After all the things he felt and said, what on earth was he doing here? Checking in on her?

He knocked and stood there, feeling like a fool, thinking of all the ways Eloise would respond. He imagined her slamming the door in his face. Maybe he will deftly stop it with his foot like they did in the movies. Perhaps she would look at him, her eyes red and puffy and ask him why he cared.

He didn’t care, that was for sure. He just didn’t want Victor Crane to get what he wanted. He knocked again only to be met with silence, until he heard a sound from his guest room.

Just a maid cleaning up, he thought, but he opened the door anyway.

“Bridgerton”

Eloise was standing by the balcony and she turned, her eyes puffy.

“Sorry”, she said, her voice thick. She crossed the room, “I’ll leave. I was about to go to the library but I thought it would be predictable if Crane wanted to find me.”

“Don’t”, he said quietly, “Bridgerton, stay.”

She turned towards him. He noticed how pink her mouth was, “What are you doing here, Sharpe? Came to torment me?”

Theo shook his head, but stilled. He honestly didn’t know why he followed her.

“I wanted to check in”, he said, rather lamely, “What just happened down there wasn’t right. Nobody deserves that”

“No?”, even though her eyes were red, they were still sharp, “not even a cold, vicious brat like me?”

The wording clawed through his memory on all fours. It was a sudden sickening clench.

“You heard me”, he said, feeling his stomach drop, “talk to Dev and Preston. That was in the beginning, Bridgerton, I swear. You don’t have to--”

Eloise shook her head, “you don’t have to pretend you don’t see me like that still. I am not sorry for who you think I am. Sometimes, viciousness got me further than kindness. However, I am sorry for, you know, about dragging you into this, for making you feel angry.”

The air was thick and tight, like suddenly all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.

“I am sorry”, Theo said, “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions…about anything.”

Eloise didn’t take her eyes off him, “I am sorry for not being able to see beyond my own experiences. But please, if you don’t believe anything else, believe that I would never put you in a position that humiliates you.”

Theo’s heart was hammering. He just witnessed her face the possibility of being betrothed against her will, while nobody said a word. A small ache seems to unspool in him, a pulse that beat beneath his simmering anger. A part that wanted to believe that she was telling the truth, that her intentions weren’t what he thought they were.

“You are a lot of things Bridgerton”, he said, “there are traits you possess that I never thought a real person could ever be liked for.”

Eloise choked on a laugh, “Thanks, I guess.”

“You didn’t let me finish”, Theo smiled, “you also interrupt people.”

“You’re quite nice yourself”, Eloise said, rolling her eyes, “My favourite trait of yours is when you admit when you are wrong.”

Theo’s heart was hammering against his ribs with a force he couldn’t control, There she stood—egotistical and stubborn in ways that wrung him speechless with anger. Yet, despite it all, he found himself unable, perhaps unwilling, to look away.

“I think it’s safe to say I was wrong about you, Bridgerton.”

“Tread lightly, Sharpe”, Eloise said with a smile, “I think you just implied that I am not insufferable.”

“I never found you insufferable.”, Theo said, almost surprised by how true it was, “You get under my skin in a way that surprises me. Sometimes insensitive. Always infuriating. But never insufferable.”

Eloise folded her arms, “What you said—”

“I don’t take back a single thing I said to you”, Theo said firmly, “I said what I felt at the time, and I am saying what I feel right now.”

Eloise opened her mouth to answer but closed it. She sat on the edge of his bed. Her face was unnervingly blank, all except her eyes. All the softness had been wept out, as if wrung by a towel. Theo scrambled for something to say.

“You have every right to be angry at your grandmother.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head, “I am not.”

Theo stared at her. She really was very strange.

“I am not angry at her for who she is. There’s nothing I can do. She is cold and vicious in a way that I can’t admire or justify.”

Theo bent down, trying to understand her expression if nothing else, “What are you angry at?”

Eloise bit her lip, “I am angry at them for making me feel like I am too much when I put my foot down, for having an opinion of my own, and not saying a word when I am forced into a betrothal.”

He remembered Daphne, “Daphne probably didn’t know what else—”

“I don’t need you to justify her actions. My mum has been doing that my whole life.”, Eloise said sharply, “I know I am being unfair, that I should understand Daphne is under a lot of pressure as the oldest daughter. She is perfect, so I don’t have to be. But this is how I feel, okay?”

He nodded, not knowing what else to say. So he did something different. He simply listened to her with no plan of retaliating, his gaze fixed on the glint appearing in her eye as she continued, her back straight and expression as sharp as ever.

“I just think”, Eloise said slowly, “ I get so caught up in my own reality, because nobody paid attention to mine. I am sick of always having to stand up for myself because nobody else will.”

She carded her hands through her hair, “I am just like them. I became what I hated: someone who can’t look at the way other people think and feel.”

A pit seemed to carve itself in Theo, and he thought of the look she gave him when she hovered over him on the banks of the lake, saw his bruise. He thought of the way she never held herself back from voicing her opinion, how aggressive she is when she stands up for herself. He thinks of the worst and the best, the qualities that angered him and the ones that softened him. Perhaps it was the pool of golden morning light she was in, but he no longer saw her as a patchwork of bad memories. She was not always as empathetic as she should be, but she was so much more than a lack of a trait.

“Well, Bridgerton”, Theo finally said, “you know how much I love disagreeing with you.”

She scoffed, “what now?”

“You know”, he said slowly, “sometimes being empathetic means being willing to learn. If there is anything I have never despised about you, it’s that you’re a fast learner.”

She tilted her head, “I am sure that is the only thing.”

He grinned, “Like I said, I love disagreeing with you.”

She laughed, her hair ruffled by a sudden breeze, “You really aren’t as terrible as I thought either.”

“I’ll have you know”, Theo said with mock seriousness, “loads of women find me delightful.”

“Don’t forget Sharpe”, she leaned back and regarded him with a small smirk, “I love disagreeing with you too.”

A warmth had drenched the air of the room.

“This doesn’t change things”, she said softly, “about Victor.”

Nothing unites two people like a common enemy. Hate did strange things.

“He wanted to come up here himself”, Theo said, feeling a scowl at the thought of him coming up here, trying to talk to Eloise and probably saying something to make her feel worse.

Eloise huffed, but said nothing. Her eyebrows were furrowed. He recognized the expression as the one she wore while analysing a particularly challenging poem. He followed her gaze to his knuckles. He had clenched his fists without realizing.

“I assume he got into a bike accident too?”, she asked, every note of her voice tight, “grazed his hand against the road like you did.”

He realized he didn’t have to talk about it, “Yeah, same street and everything.”

Eloise put her head between her knees, “You should go eat lunch.”

He hesitated. He could feel the weight of so many unasked questions between them, “you’re not coming?”

“Soon”, she said in a muffled voice “If I sit with them without calming down, my fork will end up in something that is not salmon.”

She lifted her head, “Is this the part where I thank you for checking in on me?”

Theo shook his head, “we didn’t address each other while writing letters to each other, Bridgerton. Why engage in formalities now?”

She stood up. Her hair was mussed, her eyeliner was smudged and her cardigan was crumpled.

She caught a view of herself in the mirror, “God, I look like a mess.”

Theo was struck with the thought that he saw her clearly in a way the mirror probably didn’t.

“You look like someone who might just be jostled into a relationship against her will.”, he said, “You don’t have to look a certain way when you’re upset.”

She tilted her head to the side and he realized he probably should have just told her she looked pretty, not that he thought to much about what she looked like, of course.

They both walked towards the door when Eloise responded, “I think Victor would want me to. I know my grandmother definitely would.”

Theo couldn’t stop the words from tumbling from his mouth, “Make them pay for it.”

Eloise looked at him and her proximity to him made him freeze, forget that he was supposed to leave. Her gaze travelled to the concealed bruise under his eye, “Don’t worry”, she said, her voice hard, “I will.”