Chapter 35
HERMIONE’S POV:
“Mione?” She heard the floo before she heard Harry. She groaned in annoyance as she set down her tub of B and J’s and her new book and got up to find her friend.
“Harry, what are you doing here?” She asked as she stepped out of her bedroom.
“What do you mean, what am I doing here? Why aren’t you at Ron’s reception?” He had a concerned look on his face as he glanced her way from the bottom of the stairs. “What are you wearing?” She looked down at herself and crossed her arms in minor defence. She had on Harry’s old quidditch jersey and a pair of sleep shorts. Her hair was up in a twisted-up t-shirt with some curl-protecting potion, and her face (which was probably what had him confused) was a greenish-white colour as she let her face mask dry.
“I’m relaxing.” She huffed, face flushing ever so slightly. She wasn’t doing anything embarrassing per se (so long as he didn’t look at the title of her book), but it was still something she wasn’t overtly comfortable sharing with others. When she did her relaxation nights, she preferred to be alone. To decompress and read trashy romance novels (Heart Mate by Robin Owens being the newest one) and just live in her own little bubble for a few hours.
“Mione,” Harry stopped in front of her, having made his way up to the landing. “Why did you leave?”
“Because I-...” She wasn’t quite sure what to say. What, should she just complain that she was being ignored and was now pouting about it? Or admit that she felt lonely in a room full of people? She shook her head slightly to move the thoughts aside. “I was getting pretty tired.” She faked a stretch- trying to play up the claim. Harry looked at her unimpressed.
“Mione, it’s only nine fifteen. You stay up routinely until at least eleven, longer if you’re working.” She glanced down at her feet.
“I don’t know, I just... I... What do you want me to say, Harry?” She sighed. For once she was at a loss. She couldn’t rationalize to herself why she was feeling so run down. Why today in particular was so hard to get through. It just was.
“Mia... I spoke to Stori and Daphne. They said you were by yourself for an hour, why didn’t you come over and say something?”
“Why do I have to say something?” She was agitated now. “ It’s not the end of the world, Harry.”
“Are you doing ok?”
“What?” She was startled by his sudden question.
“I’m sorry that I was so preoccupied today. I wasn’t purposefully ignoring you. You’re just normally so open about wanting to join the conversation, I guess I kind of just forget sometimes to initiate them. Why don’t you get dressed and come back to the party and I’ll make sure you’re included this time?” She shook her head and hugged herself.
“Harry... I... That’s not what I’m upset about.”
“Then what is it?” He asked her quietly. She took her time, trying to figure out how to answer him.
“I don’t know.” She replied finally. He looked like he expected more of an explanation so she did her best to elaborate. “I know it’s irrational but I just started to dwell on this idea that if you could all forget about me in such a short amount of time, maybe you don’t even like me to begin with.”
“Mione, I lov-”
“I know, Harry. I love you too. I said it was irrational. But sometimes it’s hard for me to stay logical when it comes to my emotions. I sat there today thinking about Mrs Parkinson saying that I won’t be anything more than a parasite. And I kept hearing all these people whispering about how I’m bringing down the value of the room by just existing in it, and watching them stare at me with so much hatred in their eyes. And my best friends in the whole world are just so oblivious to it all!” She fought back the hot feeling on her face as tears started to bubble up in her eyes. She sat down on the top step with Harry beside her. “I watched Ron, this man who I love and had loved romantically in the past, marry this girl who was starting to become my friend. And it made me so... so hollow. I know I don’t want to be with him, I know I made the right choice to say no to his proposals. But now all I can think about is how miserable we’re both going to be. And how much it turns my stomach to see him kiss someone else. Even if he looks just as sick doing it. And then I was angry because I was the centre of all this attention I didn’t want, but also angry because this man that I had once planned to spend the rest of my life with has moved on with his life, forced though it may be and on top of all of that the only people I wanted attention from were just...forgetting that I exist? And then of course I got even more upset at myself because I was sitting in a room full of people feeling lonely and sorry for myself. I know that you were trying to help keep the Weasleys from falling apart, and Ron was too busy being miserable to notice anyone let alone his ex-girlfriend who turned him down and put him in this situation, to begin with. I know these things but for some reason today that just wasn’t enough. And to top it all off, I’m supposed to marry this other guy in a few days who I’m starting to enjoy talking to but he’s forgotten about me too. And I mean, we really don’t have a lot to do with one another unless we’re with other people so it’s not that far out of the normal. But I watched him forget about me and go back to being this... this awful person he used to be; who thought I was worse than the muck on the bottom of his shoes, and bullied me relentlessly, and thought the world would be a better place if I and everyone like me weren’t in it. And it scared me that I couldn’t tell which version of him I would be marrying. I was angry, lonely, and scared, and feeling sorry for myself, and just being so frustratingly absurd. So I figured it’d be better for everyone if I just came home before I did something stupid like make a scene.” She wiped the tears off her face and looked at the ground in embarrassment before Harry wrapped her in a tight hug.
“I’m sorry, Mia. I didn’t know you were so upset.” He murmured to her. The floodgates opened. She sobbed into his shoulder as he held her and she did her best to calm down.
“I’m s-sorry.” She hiccuped finally as the tears let up. “I don’t know why I’m like this right now.”
“Mione,” her friend gave her a stern look but spoke in a soothing tone. “You’re being pumped full of hormones, remember? And I’m sure you’re anxious about your wedding on top of it. It’s ok to be irrational when you have so much on your plate. But don’t bottle it all up. Let me know when it’s getting to be too much, so I can help you. I have a number downstairs, I’m not saying you need it, but it’s for a therapist. He’s been really helpful for me to talk to since... Well, you know. Maybe you should try it out for a session or two. See if talking to someone would help at all, at least if you don’t want to talk to me about it I mean.”
“I might do that,” she admitted through gasping breath, her chest hitching as she calmed herself down. She melted back into Harry for a little while longer, feeling better the longer she stayed in his embrace. “I didn’t mean to unload on you just now, sorry.”
“Hey, it’s fine. I’ve done the same to you plenty.” He chuckled softly. “And I mean it, Mia, if you ever need to talk about this stuff, I’m here. I know I’m not the best with feelings and I don’t always know the best way to handle the situation. But you don’t have to suffer in silence.” She let out a small smile and turned to him, only to let a giggle bubble out of her mouth.
“Oh, gosh. I might’ve ruined your shirt!” They both looked down to see the streaks of white and green all over his white dress shirt. She pulled out her wand and said a quick ‘macula abiit’ to charm it away and he offered a hand to help her stand up. “There, now you can go back to the party.”
“Are you sure? Stori knows I came to find you, I’m sure it’d be fine if you wanted me to stay with you.” She shook her head.
“No, no. As I said, irrational. I’ll probably feel better with some time on my own to unwind anyway. Go back to the reception. I’m sure Ron’s looking for you by now. I left so that I wouldn’t take away the bride and groom's attention at their wedding, and I’m doing a pretty lousy job of it.”
“If you’re sure you’ll be alright...” Harry didn’t look convinced.
“I’ll be fine, Harry. And Kreacher and Crooks can keep me company if I get lonely. Go have fun.”
“Well, I wouldn’t call playing referee fun. But I should probably go make sure nothing’s been burned down yet. But I promise tomorrow is just you and me, ok? We’ll rent some of those stupid girly movies and eat too much sugar.” She chuckled and rolled her eyes, knowing they’d probably end up watching some horror movies (since they both hated rom-coms for the most part) and eating popcorn and takeaway.
“It’s a deal.” The guilt in her stomach clashed angrily against the smile on her face as she waved him off. Merlin, could she be any more pathetic? Crying about not being given attention at someone else’s wedding? How low could she stoop? She made up her mind to apologize to Ron when next she saw him, and to tell the Greengrass sisters not to make mountains out of molehills anymore. But for tonight, she was going to wallow, since she didn’t seem to have any dignity left anyway.