The letters

He heard it. The thud. The drop of his body hitting the floor. The crack as his head hit the bathtub on his way down. There are a few moments in life where you truly believe time slows down, the sad truth is it’s just a trick of your brain. It’s all made up to help you process the situation. How was Remus supposed to process this, his boyfriend gasping for air, dropping to the cold tiled floor, eyelids growing heavy. Remus thinks he screamed, or called Sirius’ name. He can’t be sure, it all felt fake, like a figment of his imagination. He didn’t want to imagine this, but that seemed better than it being real. He didn’t want this to be real. 

He didn’t know how but in a matter of seconds he was in the bathroom kneeling by his lifeless lover. He didn’t know what to do, there was blood pooling at his head. He looked up slightly and saw the impact on the bathtub, his head dented the tub, how- what? Focus Remus he told himself, check his pulse. He placed two fingers on Sirius’ neck, he couldn’t- there was nothing- his fingers were shaking so much. He pulled his phone out his pocket, he try to dial 999, his fingers shaking, 9-9-8- “fuck” delete it. 9-9-9 yes it’s ringing. He puts it on speaker. 

“Emergency, which service?”

Remus grabbed a cloth off the sideboard placing it on Sirius’ head applying slight pressure. 

“Ambulance, to 12 Grimmauld Place. Please hurry!” Remus is shaking so much, his voice is strained.

“They’re on the way, what is the emergency?”

“He’s not breathing” Remus shakes his head as if you get himself to focus, you can do this Remus.

“Sir, can you tell me your na-“ Remus didn’t hear the rest of what they said, he turned back to his boyfriend.

Chest compressions, go! One- two- three- “please come back, please don’t leave me” seven- eight- nine- ten- “please I need you, don’t leave not now, not yet” thirteen- fourteen- fifthteen- sixteen- “come on, Sirius wake up please” twenty- twenty one- twenty two- “wake up now, please” twenty six- twenty seven- “Come on, Sirius please”

“Sir if you plea-“ 

Thirty- “come on Sirius” he lifts Sirius’ chin, pinching his nose with one hand. Two strong breaths are blown into Sirius’ lungs. Nothing. Remus continues. One- two- three- “don’t you dare fucking leave me!” Seven- eight- nine- ten- “come on sirius you’re too stubborn for this” fourteen- fifthteen- sixteen- “goddammit, HOW FAR AWAY IS THE AMBULANCE”

“They’re about 10 minutes away”

“Fuck” twenty two- twenty three- twenty four- *crack* a rib, Remus broke one of Sirius’ ribs. He barely heard it. “I’m sorry… please come back” twenty nine- thirty. Two more blows, still nothing. Remus didn’t stop. He couldn’t.

It took the paramedics 17 minutes and 16 seconds to arrive at the house. They had to break down the door, Remus just couldn’t hear them, the only thing he could hear was the silence of Sirius’ body. The usually lively loud man, laying their limp, his usual soft hair matted with his own blood. His mouth slightly open, eyes shut, his long dark lashes laid out across his usually rosey cheeks. Remus continued to push his body weight up and down applying pressure to Sirius’ chest. A man knelt down beside him placing a hand and Sirius’ neck checking for a pulse. He stayed quiet and turned back around talking thought looks and slight body movements towards his colleagues. 

The man placed a hand on Remus’ shoulder. Remus almost yelled “Please he can still wake up” he kept pushing, “come on Sirius please”.

“He’s gone” the man spoke softly, his voice filled with empathy. Remus didn’t want empathy, he wanted Sirius.

“No he’s not, he’s stubborn okay! He’ll wake up just a little longer.” Remus choked out, tears staining his cheeks “please just a little longer”.

The man beside him stood up and walked away, Remus heard them whispering behind them. 

“Ten- eleven- twelve- thi- thirteen- please- come on! Come on- work- come back to me- sixteen- seventeen-“ Remus’ jaw was tense, his hands shaking adrenaline pulsing through his veins. He just needed Sirius to wake up, to breathe.

“Come on son” a hand was back oh his left shoulder. And then another on his right, arms wrapped around his elbows, tugging him backwards.

“No! Stop! I can save him- please stop… let me help him”

“I’m sorry, he’s gone” a new voice spoke.

“He can’t be, not yet. We- we have a barbecue- this week, he can’t be gone” Remus finally stopped struggling his body dropping allowing his weight to be upheld by two people he didn’t know. 

Remus was sitting on the floor, as a man knelt over his lover's body wrapping him in a white sheet. Sirius never wore white, Remus wanted to ask if he could use a black bed sheet instead. He couldn’t talk, he couldn’t move. He just watched as his boyfriend got carried away. A woman was trying to talk to him, he wasn’t really listening he couldn’t. How could he possible try to listen when his love, his everything just got carried away in a white bag. 

“-you can call, sir?” Her voice finally processed in his mind.

“Um- what?”

“Is there anyone you can call? Or can I call someone for you?” Remus simply nodded in response. He fumbled around in his pocket pulling out his phone. 

“James?”

***

Four months later…

James was cooking, trying to perfect one of Euphemia’s famous recipes. He was never very good at it. It was only the second time he tried to cook after Sirius’ passing. They always did it together, or well James cooked and Sirius sat on the counter judging, and tasting everything he could get his hands on. James missed that. He was chopping up different assortments of vegetables when the doorbell rang. “One minute” he quickly finished, putting down the knife and walking to the door. 

He opened the door, to be faced with Remus. “Hey Moony, come in.” He nodded his head inside.

“I’m not staying just came to give you a few letters” he pulled three white enveloped letters out his jacket (Sirius’ jacket) handing them over. “They’re from-“

“Sirius” immediately recognised the neat cursive writing. 

“Yeah… I found them this morning, I’ve really read mine. I- um I have two left to hand out” James was barely listening as his looked over the front of the three letters ‘prongs’... ‘Evans’... ‘Harry (read when old enough). 

“What was your letter like?” James muttered barely above a whisper.

“It was, a lot I suppose. He said goodbye, that he loved me, he said it’s okay to move on. A few other things.” Remus spoke softly, the words clearly still engraved in his mind.

“I- I don’t think- I can’t read this.” James shook his head, unwilling to accept his best friend is truly gone, he doesn’t want to read these final words to him.

“Well, that’s your choice. I think you should though. It- it helped a bit” Remus smiled softly. They stayed quiet for a while, James stood still staring down at the paper in his hands. “I should- I’ll go”.

“Erm- yeah… bye Re- Moony. See you soon?”

“Definitely, bye… prongs” he nodded slightly walking away. James closed the door walking back towards the kitchen. He placed the two letters which weren’t for him on the counter. Sitting at a stool surrounding the kitchen island. He stared at the unopened letter, tracing the black ink with his finger. P- r- o- n- g- s-. His breath stuttered, as the realisation of this paper in his hands settled in. ‘The last thing Sirius will ever give him’. This is it. He flipped it over, tearing the envelope open. He inhaled a deep breath, before starting to read.

‘Dear James, 

No wait dear prongs, that’s better. I have no idea how to start this letter. If I’m being honest I did search up ‘what to write in a goodbye letter’ but I think it wasn’t quite right as it was written as if you were leaving. Also I think writing ‘keep in touch’ might come off a little weird. It got one thing right though, I will miss you. 

Thank you for everything, you’ve been so amazing to me, better than I deserved a lot of the time. Do you remember that time in sixth year right after we’d read blood brothers together. We made that exact pact, I still have the scar. We promised we wouldn’t shoot each other at the end though even if we found out we we’re biological brothers. Well brother I hate to say it’s the end, but we never did find out if we’re brothers in blood. Although mum would definitely argue we are. 

James I love you so much, part of me wants to apologise for leaving, but I can’t really. I mean look at what you have, James you have a family. Who would have thought you’d end up with evans, and Harry. God I’m gonna miss him growing up, now you listen here you better tell him about me. Tell him about school and the pranks we played, tell him how to get away with pranks even if lily doesn't want you to. Someone has to teach him of our wicked ways.

James I’m so thankful you were in my life, you’re amazing in everyway. Can you do one last thing for me, please take care of Moony, I honestly don’t know what this will do to him. What me dying will do to him, please make sure he’s okay. If it’s at all possible I’ll see you all again one day even if I have to bribe the devil. Goodbye James.

Love, padfoot

***

Lily got home later that evening, “James I’m home… hello?”

“In here” she followed his voice into the living room, he was sat scrolling through his phone, Harry laid on his chest asleep. 

“Hi love, everything okay?” Lily questioned when she saw her husband's blotchy eyes.

“Yeah, Sirius wrote us all letters” he cleared his throat “yours is in the kitchen”.

“Oh… are you okay?” James simply nodded softly in response. “I don’t have to read it now if you want to talk?”

“No- you should read it- really I’m okay.” He gave a weak smile.

Lily placed a kiss on her husband and child’s forehead and walked into the kitchen. She saw the letter immediately, picking it up and reading.

‘Dear evans,

I really should stop calling you that but I don’t have long and well you’ll always be evans to me. I feel the need to ask ‘how are you?’ But that seems weird. I have so many things I want to tell so many people yet I have no idea how to say them. Thank you, for being you I guess. Let’s be honest I’ve never been very good at talking about my feelings, but I’m gonna try so this may get very sappy, apologies in advance.

Evans, you’ve had so much impact on my life. You’ve been amazing to me in so many ways. You helped me understand my feelings for Remus, you helped me enter the greatest love story I will ever live. You made my best friend the happiest man alive, you brought me a wonderful godson. You’ve given me more than I believe I deserved. Thank you so much. I don’t think I’ve ever said it before but I do love you. I hope you know that. You’re like a sister to me. 

Now listen up, I’ve told James to watch over Remus. However if that doesn’t work out please make sure they’re both okay. You all mean the world to me, I know you’re probably gonna miss me, I mean who wouldn’t I’m Sirius mf black, but it’ll be okay. Another thing, I know I said to never watch an episode of stranger things without me but I’ll allow you to watch them now, I’ll be there don’t worry. There is nothing in the universe that would stop me from seeing what happens to Hopper. 

I love you, goodbye take care.

Sirius black’

***

When Remus showed up on Euphemia’s doorstep she was in the garden.

“Come on around darling, I’m just planting the peony’s” she called.

Remus walked around the house and through the wooden gate, Euphemia was kneeling on the ground. She had pink gardening gloves sticking out her back pocket. A large sun hat on her head covering up her greying hair. “Hi Mia”

“Hello lovely, you alright?” She beamed up at him, putting her hand forward asking for help.

He helped her off the ground. “Yeah, I have a letter for you”

“Oh?”

“It’s... it’s from Sirius”

Her face dropped a little “Oh”. She plastered on a false smile “thank you dear” she took the letter from his hand staring down at the ink on the envelope.

Remus and her had a small conversation, before he left to deliver one final letter. She didn’t open the envelope for a while. She sat on her armchair, flipping through an old photo album revealing the past. It took her two hours after Remus left to open the letter.

‘Dear mum,

I think you’re gonna hate me for writing this, well I say that but you’d definitely say ‘I could never hate you sweetie’. I think you’ll hate this because you think you’ve failed, which you haven’t. I was unable to fight anymore and that’s nothing to do with you. I know you believed if you just kept researching all would be okay. I tried, I really did, but everything must come to an end. Remember we always joke about you outliving us all, well one down. Sorry, Joking is my coping mechanism. I’ve written too many letters. 

I love you mum, so much. I can’t thank you enough you everything you’ve given me, for how easily you accepted me into your family ‘but you are family’ yeah yeah I know. I’m happy to be part of it, you’ve been the best mother I could ask for, and your job isn’t done. I mean look at baby Harry, someone has got to be the perfect grandma for him. 

I know after fleamonts death, you put all your focus on James and I, and I do love attention. However I think James might just go insane if you give him any more information on primary schools for Harry. Give Remus some attention I’m sure he’d love that. 

I love you so much mum, you’ve taught me so much. You’ve changed me in the best ways. 

Love

Your favourite child, Sirius black’

***

Remus rang the bell of the flat when regulus’ voice broke through the intercom. “Hello?”

He hesitated for a moment, he hadn’t see regulus since the funeral “It’s Remus”.

“Oh… Um it’s open”.

Remus made his way up to the third flat. He knocked on the door. It opened to reveal a very tried looking regulus. His eyes were sunken in, deep purple bags under them. His skin was pale, and delicate looking. He was wrapped in a duvet, his legs sticking out the bottom. “Hi” 

“Hello Regulus, are you alright?”

“Erm, yeah. I’m fine.” His voice showed that he was clearly lying, if regulus was truthful he would reveal how he hasn’t slept in a while. How he’s barely eaten recently, battling with his past self. Wanting to hit himself for not reaching out to Sirius sooner, for not trusting his brother earlier. 

“I don’t believe you but you and Sirius never were very good at talking things out.”

“Yeah well, sorry to be forward but what do you want?”

“I- I have a letter for you… it’s from Sirius” 

Regulus took a sharp intake of air. When Remus passed the letter over, Regulus almost didn’t take it, he hesitated, staring down at the white paper. He looked back up and made eye contact with Remus.

“Look I can’t make you read it but I will not keep it. Sirius wanted you to have it, I will do that for him”

Regulus nodded gently looking back down at the letter, he took it. “T- thanks”

Remus nodded “I really think you should read it” he turned to leave “and regulus take care of yourself” he smiled weakly, leaving the man standing there holding on to the only thing he’d ever own from his brother.

As soon as the door shut, Regulus dropped to the floor, tears pooling in his eyes. He hugged the letter close to his chest “I’m so sorry Sirius, please I don’t think I can read it”

It took Regulus three days to read the letter, three days of walking into the living room staring at the envelope, picking it up even. To just place it back on the coffee table for another day. It took him three days to build up the courage to read his brother's final words to him.

He sat himself on the sofa with the letter in his lap, tears already caught in his dark lashes. Heart hammering in his chest, breath catching in every intake. With his shaking hands he tore the envelope open, closing his eyes taking a steady breath. He then began to read.

‘Dear little brother,

Reggie, firstly I want to say I love you so much. Now I know a lot has happened in our lives, some of which was out of our control. Some of which you still blame yourself, and you can’t deny it. I know you reggie I see it when I look at you, that guilt please let it go. I forgive you for what happened okay, I know it wasn’t your fault and I’ve told you this so many times but please stop feeling bad about it. Reggie I want you to be happy and these burdens you’ve laid on yourself, they’re too much. I want you to smile again, don’t force it, I proper smile that reaches your eyes and makes those tiny dimples appear in your cheeks. 

Reggie, remember when we had those Sunday lunches that were just us, mum and dad would be at meetings and we could be as loud as we want. We’d make a mess of the food and giggle until we cried, the maids would be so annoyed at us but they never told mum and dad. It was our time, I need you to promise you’ll smile and laugh like that again. 

I truly wish we had more time, I wish I didn’t wait until my deathbed to reach out again. Granted I didn’t think it would be so soon. I’m sorry I’m leaving, it really hurts to stay though. You’ve made me so happy, you were my rock for the longest time reggie. My reason to fight, and although we’ve both hurt each other I think we’ve come out alright in the end. I wouldn’t change you for the world reg. I remember telling you things I thought I’d never tell anyone, I miss that. I missed you so much in our time apart. I want you to know I have kept sacred everything you’ve ever told me reggie. I always will. 

Finally I want to say how sorry I am for leaving you before. I wanted to fight but I couldn’t battle them anymore, I gave up. This time I’m not giving up, I’m simply accepting the end, it’s scary as fuck. All I want to do is climb under the covers and hug my little brother telling him everything will be okay. I think it will. I love you Reggie, you’re my family.

Love

Your big brother, Sirius.’