One step closer, three steps back
[May [15-16-17], 2004]
Light spent some of his weekend packing up, finishing his legal formalities and handing Sayu a debit card linked to one of his ex-Kira accounts. Assuring his little sister of her financial stability was important, even if she could not fully comprehend the logic behind it. Their father's job came with a high risk factor, and their mother was a housewife. Sayu herself wasn't much of an academic genius. Scholarships would not be an aid she would get.
As a fourteen year old teen, Sayu could not and did not comprehend that. Light, as the one who had to extensively look up their accounts and savings since that one day he had researched NPA job statistics- with it's high turnover, low conviction and even lower solve rate- knew exactly how precariously their budget loomed over the metaphorical red line.
He had had nightmares wherein he was denied a bright future because his father had died too soon, without any savings and leaving Light to never be able to reach his full potential because they were penniless. Their housing loan didn't help. His father's disinterest in investing time, effort and money in anything other than his job didn't help. His father's honesty and anti-corruption, anti-bribery morality didn't help. Light admired him for those traits but it made their finances so very tight. His nightmares often left him feeling like his mother and sister were shackles instead of family.
Light loved Sayu, but if their father had died back when he was ignorant and twelve and had nothing in terms of savings, he was sure he would have hated her too.
Since then, Light had always, always applied for financial aid, won Olympiads and tennis championships to compensate for his educational expenses. If he learnt to always rely on himself from the beginning, then he would no longer feel that sense of helplessness again. It helped that every middle school and high school in the area wanted the name of Yagami Light, top student in Japan, to be added to their alumni list. Cram schools paid to have Light attend them.
Their housing loan was paid off within three years. Light could even stop playing tennis competitively from that relief.
If Light hadn't chanced upon the Death Note and it's very flexible terms of use, he'd have had to start investing in stocks by this time. Light might be a genius and good at software development but that didn't mean he wanted to spend time learning about stock and exchange rates if he didn't have to. He'd rather learn a new language or venture into a new field of science. Perhaps take up a musical instrument or a new sport. Maybe painting?
With his domestic and immigration situation taken care of, Light was free to spend the majority of his time away from home. With the task force and L.
As much as he disliked L, Light had to admit he felt less lonely, more alive when he was with L. Arguing with him over the smallest of matters was always fun. Criticizing things they both felt strongly against was even more so. Perhaps if L wasn't so determined to stand against Kira, Light could have enjoyed being on the same side as him. They had much more in common than he had initially thought. It made spending time with L less of a necessity and more of an indulgence.
Light was determined to make as much of his weekend as possible. He played tennis with L in the mornings (one win - one loss), chess in the evenings (two draws, one loss, two wins in favor of L), and worked on what remained of the Kira case in between. L was full of sharp wit, always trying to catch him off guard by getting into his personal space, staring intensely at his face for long minutes and trying to get him to reveal details about the case that only Kira would know.
Light, for his part, only concerned himself with keeping unknown information about Kira from L's traps. He resolutely ignored all the stares, glares, warmth of L's skin, slender fingers curled around spoons, knotted cherry stems between lips and the sweet smell of desserts that always hung around L.
Yes, he ignored them. Light did not notice them at all, except to disregard them. It did not matter. Everyone stared at Yagami Light, perfect student and genius incarnate. It was a fact of life. One person's stare was no different than that of several others. One person's presence was no more impactful than that of several others.
On Monday morning, Light kissed Sayu good morning, Sayu gave him a tight hug and then left for their school and college respectively. Neither made it to their destination.
*****
[May 17, 2004]
L spent the weekend in a daze. Since that day in the cafe, seeing Light be so open, so honest, caring and genuine, L started to believe. The next two days had been sweeter still.
"It might not kill you, you know. The real Light."
The real Light was Kira. He was also more. L, the detective, would bring Kira to justice. L, the human, wanted to hold his hands, see the kindness in Light's eyes turn to him, let his knuckles caress those lovely cheeks, press a kiss between his brows, run his fingers through brown silk and share in the warmth that L has only ever seen Light share with his sister. Standard behavior when one has a crush. But the thing was, L, the human had never had one before. No one had caught his eye, to the point where L suspected himself to be aromantic and asexual.
"I would be as beautiful a woman as I am a handsome man."
If L had to label his new found interest and sexuality, there would only be one word: Light. The gender did not matter, biological or perceived. Light, in any shape or form, would have always caught L's interest. It was too soon to label it as like or love. But if L could ever romantically like anyone, fall in love with anyone, then it would only be Light Yagami. His equal in intellect, in talent, in sports, games and so much more. L might be a better detective and Light a better criminal, but equals they were in their chosen fields.
L did not know what he adored more: Light's brilliant mind, unfortunately turned to murder as it was, or Light's perfect imitation of perfection. He was a liar and a manipulator. Someone who could and would pay any price for what he believed in. L was much the same. Which was why, L could long for Light despite wanting to capture and execute Kira. The real Light, Kira, would have done the same. Felt the same. Understood L.
"I'm done. You can have it, Light-kun."
With those words, L the human, had decided to give Kira, the real Light, a chance to connect. The entire thing was his own fault, of course. He had started their game on a personal level to gain evidence from Light on that day at To-Oh. He had opened his doors, however tiny a crack, to get Light to open his own. For the longest time, Light did not. And then, from April 29 onwards, Light threw open the doors to his self with reckless abandon. He was still guarded, but no longer did Light hide his inner workings from L.
L's emotions, unreasonable as they were, had taken one glance, liked what they saw and wriggled into that tiny room.
It took barely a month. Three weeks, more like. But L knew his own feelings. Acknowledged them, accepted them, as he did any other. Light did not. L could see that. Light did not understand, not yet and maybe it would be too late by the time he would. L would still take that chance. Light was the first in more than two decades and most likely, he would be the last. L did not think someone like Light came around more than once a lifetime.
Kira can go die but L can keep Light in his memories till death.
That did not mean L, either part of him, wanted Light to die.
"Ryuuzaki, are you listening?" Watari's voice came over the call. L wanted to reply. To say that 'Yes, I'm listening. However, my mind seems to have stopped working. I'm hallucinating the death of Light-kun. Watari, can I have more dessert?' Instead, he looked at Soichiro Yagami across the room. The man seemed to have collapsed on the couch, face pale and aging decades in a minute.
"Ryuuzaki?" Watari asked again and L managed a sound. "I know this must be a shock," his guardian's voice came from the speaker. "Having your prime suspect die so suddenly. But Yagami Light is dead. It was a car accident. He was declared dead on site when the ambulance came. How do you want to proceed?"
Proceed? L wanted to scream. He wanted to throw something, wanted to refute reality, turn back time, wanted his first and only friend back in his life.
"Do we have a coroner's report?" L found himself asking. "Did he die from injuries sustained in the accident or was the accident caused by an ill-timed heart attack?" Soichiro Yagami's eyes snapped to L's in that instant. "Yagami-san, you would not mind an autopsy, would you?" Chief Yagami nodded and L got to work on getting a detailed report on Light's death. Kira's death.
There were a lot of questions in L's mind. There was only one certainty in this scenario- Light was Kira. There were three options as to his death: Light had faked his death, Light's accident was a carefully planned suicide, and that the second Kira had killed Light, aka the first Kira. L refused to believe something as inane as a normal car accident could have killed Light. It was an impossible option, not even taken into consideration. Light was too careful, too paranoid for that.
Light's personality also removed the second option. Kira had a budding God-complex and a superiority complex evolving into megalomania. He would not have committed suicide. Would not have even thought of it, having just started his as-of-present-date successful rule as Kira.
That left only two: Either the death was fake or second Kira got his Light.
Thus, L himself had two directions to go forward with: Either track down an alive Light and then handcuff him to his side till Kira confessed or get justice for Light by catching the second Kira.
L did not know which one he preferred. He settled for helping Chief Yagami arrange Light's medical examination and subsequent funeral of the corpse. Both Soichiro Yagami and Light had been L's employees (Light more than that, unpaid intern that he claimed he was. L would pay him this time if Light would ever return). L owed at least that much to the Yagami family.
*****
[May 20, 2004]
All medical reports, several examiners from different hospitals, agreed that Light Yagami died from a car accident which was just that, an accident. The driver dozed at the wheel, having been under heavy medication and was charged with involuntary manslaughter. There were no heart attacks involved, no criminals conveniently dying in the aftermath that could have had a hand in the accident.
L refused to believe it.
Light was either alive, or the second Kira had killed the first. Those were the only options. No inconvenient accident could have killed Light Yagami, nothing less than an armed police squadron and L himself. Yet, that was what stared at him in black on white. Certified and verified.
L refused to believe it.
Still, he would attend Light's pretend funeral. There was a 70% chance that Light or someone in his employee would keep an eye on the event to know everyone's reactions. Light would never forgive L if he attended his funeral being less than his best. So L dug out his only comb and stood in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to untangle his mess.
"L?" Wammy's voice came from outside his room. L replied half-heartedly, distracted in trying to soothe over his knots in a less painful way.
"In here, Wammy." And Wammy entered. The older man was dressed as impeccably as ever with a suit hung over one arm. He walked into the room, L was distantly aware of his footsteps, and stood outside the open bathroom door.
"Did he mean that much to you?" Wammy asked with a sad smile. He handed over the suit as L abandoned his grooming efforts for the time being.
"He was my suspect," L said, changing his clothes. "And my first friend. He also most likely faked his death and would have someone keeping an eye on this sham." Wammy did not point out that L had not dressed up for the funerals of any other suspects in his cases before. The older man simply waited till L had finished dressing in a black suit and then took the brush to run gently through L's hair. "You do not need to do this, Wammy," L reminded him. "Light-kun himself is not going to be there. I just need to look presentable, which I do."
Wammy did not know how long it would take for L to come out of his denial. It was the first stage of grief and he wanted to be there for his charge every step of the way. If that meant he helped dress L up to honor his first friend's memory, then so be it. Wammy did not want L to look back on this day and regret not being properly presentable.
"You look better," Wammy said, stepping back and taking a look. L was still hunched over and his suit lacked a tie, but it was still the most formal he had ever seen him dress. 'Better' was one way to put it, when one took in the clothes. To Wammy's eyes, L looked stricken. The younger man was pale, the bags under his eyes darker than ever. L looked more like a corpse than Light Yagami's body had in the morgue. "Presentable," Wammy corrected himself.
L took a look in the mirror and nodded. He understood what Wammy meant. He could not bring himself to care. Light would have to make do with this.
*****
The ride to the funeral was quiet and the funeral itself was somber. The event itself was attended by several people. It was as if half of Tokyo had turned out to pay respects to the empty mask of perfection named Yagami Light. Light would have been proud he had fooled so many people. That also made it difficult for L to keep an eye on people, to figure out who was Light's spy in this nebulous swarm.
In the end, the answer was closer than L had initially expected. He only hit upon it at the end of the event, when it was almost sun-down and all the guests had left.
Light's parents were besides themselves with grief. Matsuda was certainly acting heartbroken (when it was L's that was breaking into pieces) and the Kira task force members were very supportive of their Chief. Only Sayu Yagami remained. Sayu, who was dear to Light. So much so that he skipped his classes for her, lied to their parents for her, took time out of his Kira activities to tutor her and indulged her every whim for a whole day just two days prior.
There were five stages of grief. L himself was vaguely aware he was at Denial. Soichiro and Sachiko Yagami looked like they were going through either Denial or Depression.
Sayu Yagami looked like she was already at Acceptance. She should have been at Anger.
It was her.
Which meant, Light had faked his own death.
It could also mean Sayu Yagami was simply better at processing her grief. Light was really dead. L was simply in denial.
L refused to believe it.