I Miss Her
It had barely been fifteen minutes before JJ heard a soft knock on her door. She didn’t hesitate to get up and let Penelope in, then wordlessly returned to her bed, curling up against the headboard. Penelope sat beside her without a word, the room filled with a thick, unspoken understanding.
They stayed like that for a while — JJ fidgeting with the edge of her blanket, Penelope watching her carefully, waiting. The silence felt heavy, but not uncomfortable. It felt safe.
“You scared me today, JJ,” Penelope finally said, her voice low and gentle.
JJ looked up, her eyes still avoiding Penelope’s. “I know. I scared me too,” she admitted, voice barely above a whisper. “I’m really sorry for snapping at you.”
Penelope didn’t answer right away. She just gave her a small, reassuring smile, the kind that didn’t need words.
JJ swallowed hard, the weight of everything pressing down on her chest. After a few more moments of quiet, she finally spoke again, her voice raw.
“Pen… I messed up really badly.”
“I figured,” Penelope said softly, not unkindly.
“I messed things up with Will, with Emily… I just messed everything up.” JJ’s voice wavered, her throat tightening. Her face was still puffy and blotchy from crying, her nose red — the aftermath of her breakdown earlier still visible.
Penelope tilted her head, studying her for a moment before leaning in.
“Start from the beginning, Jay. What happened?”
JJ blinked, her throat feeling too tight to speak. She hesitated, then sighed shakily.
“Will and I… I don’t know. I keep trying to make things feel normal with him. But it doesn’t. I think he knows something’s wrong. And Emily—” JJ’s voice broke at her name. “She’s avoiding me. I don’t blame her. I kissed her, and then I ran away like a coward. I haven’t talked to her since.”
Penelope lifted her brows slightly, but her voice stayed light.
“You kissed Emily? Okay… that explains a lot. No wonder you feel this way.”
JJ let out a choked laugh, though nothing was funny. It hurt — everything hurt.
“I shouldn’t have done that, Pen. She’s a girl. I shouldn’t want her like this.”
Penelope shot her a warm smile, her expression even softer than before.
“Oh sweetheart, you know it’s legal now, right? They stopped burning witches a long time ago.”
JJ let out another shaky, breathy laugh, though it dissolved into something more like a sob.
“It’s not just that. It’s Will. I mean, he’s so good to me. He loves me. I should love him too. I do love him, but it’s not the same. It’s not like…”
“It’s not like with Emily?” Penelope finished gently.
JJ wiped her eyes with her sleeves and nodded softly.
Penelope reached out, wrapping her hand around JJ’s and squeezing softly.
“Jayje, you can’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there. And you can’t push down something that is. You’re not broken, you’re just scared.”
JJ blinked hard, her eyes stinging all over again.
“It doesn’t matter. She probably hates me now. She won’t even look at me.”
Penelope shook her head, giving JJ’s hand another squeeze.
“She doesn’t hate you, Jay. People who don’t care don’t get hurt. She’s probably trying to figure things out too. Just like you.”
JJ blinked hard, another tear sliding down her cheek.
“She’s only hurt because I made her feel like a mistake. It’s my fault.” Her voice cracked, giving out for a moment. “I kissed her and ran away like a coward. She probably already decided she wants nothing to do with me.”
Penelope softened her expression. She didn’t rush to respond, letting the weight of JJ’s words settle before speaking again.
“You know, Jayje, you’re not the only one who gets a say in how she feels.” She started gently. “You may have hurt her, but that doesn’t mean she thinks you regret it. She’s scared, Jay. You have to show her you don’t think it was a mistake.”
JJ swallowed hard, her voice barely above a whisper.
“What if it’s too late? What if she doesn’t want to hear from me?”
Penelope shot her a warm smile and squeezed her hand.
“The Emily I know — the one that looks at you like you’re the only woman in the world — she wants to hear from you. She’s just scared, and she’s not going to make the first move.”
JJ let out a shaky breath, something between a laugh and a sigh.
“God, Penelope… what am I supposed to do?”
“You’re going to start by being honest — with Emily, with Will, and with yourself.” Penelope’s voice was soft but firm.
JJ winced at the mention of Will’s name.
“Oh Will… he deserves so much better. He knows something is wrong, I can tell. I need to tell him, Pen. I just don’t want to hurt him.”
“I know you don’t, but staying with him because of guilt isn’t fair to either of you. You can love him and know he’s not the right person for you. Telling him is the right choice.”
JJ sighed.
“I just feel like letting him go is like letting go of everything I’m supposed to want.”
“Honey, you should focus on what you want, not what you should want,” Penelope said softly. “It’s going to be okay.”
JJ smiled, then leaned her head back against her headboard and sighed. Her voice was shaky and barely audible when she spoke.
“I miss her.”
Penelope gave her a soft but knowing smile.
“I know you do, sweetheart.”
They sat in silence for a moment. JJ’s thoughts spun too hard to catch. She wiped her eyes again, although most of the tears had stopped. The weight in her chest hadn’t gone away, but it felt lighter now.
“Thanks for coming, Pen,” she murmured.
“Anytime, Jay.” Penelope’s voice was soft but sure.
They sat in quiet for a moment longer before a sly smile tugged at the corner of Penelope’s lips. She shifted on the bed, turning to face JJ fully.
“So…” she started slowly, her voice taking on a lighter, more mischievous tone. “Are you gonna tell me what actually happened, or am I supposed to piece it together from your sad, broken-hearted monologue?”
JJ groaned, dropping her head into her hands.
“Penelopeeeeee.”
“Oh, come on,” Penelope teased. “You can’t just drop, ‘I kissed Emily’ and not say anything else. That’s a cruel and unusual punishment!”
JJ peeked up through her fingers, her cheeks flushing a little despite all the exhaustion she felt. “It’s not that interesting.”
Penelope gasped dramatically, laying one hand across her chest. “It’s not that interesting?! You kissed your yearlong rival-slash-crush in what I’m sure was a painfully dramatic moment, and you’re saying it’s not interesting? Come on now. Spill.”
JJ groaned once more, but this time a small smile was playing at her lips. “Fine,” she muttered. “It was Saturday and we were in her car.”
Penelope practically squealed. “You made out in her car! Please tell me it was raining!”
JJ laughed, though it was real this time. “Yes, it actually was. Well, anyways, we went to a diner after our project, and when we came out, it was raining… so we decided to sit in her car for a bit. Things got really quiet and tense, and I don’t know, it just kinda happened.” She finished with a shrug.
JJ could see the excited expression on Penelope’s face. “God, Pen, stop,” she said, her hands coming up to cover her face.
“No way, this is like the best thing to happen all week!” Penelope leaned in conspiratorially. “So tell me… was it good?”
JJ’s face went bright red. “I’m not answering that.”
“Oh, you just did, Jayje.” Penelope giggled. “You’re blushing like a schoolgirl. It was good.”
JJ shot Penelope a glare, although the smile tugging at her lips betrayed her. She shook her head, letting it fall back against the headboard with a sigh.
“I still messed everything up.”
Penelope’s expression softened, and she shot JJ a sympathetic look. “It’s okay, JJ. You can fix it.”
JJ stared up at the ceiling, her throat tight, although this time it felt less like sadness and more like hope trying to claw its way through.
“I’ll talk to Will tomorrow,” she muttered.
Penelope nodded, her voice quiet. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”