Anguish
Chapter 10 - Anguish
Remus entered his empty cottage, he remembered how a great black dog had appeared at his front door somewhere around this time last year. But that would never happen again. At least with James there was a body he could cry over, and a grave he could visit on days where he felt extra lonely. Remus made his way to his old room, it was rather dusty as he hadn't been there in almost a year. It was the sight of an old photograph of the Marauders which made him break down.
Tears streamed down his face, as he threw the photo frame as hard as he could on the ground, the sound of Remus’ anguished sobs filled the musty air of the little cottage in Yorkshire. He hated the sight of his smiling friends whom he loved like brothers, jostling and shoving each other in the frame. Their carefree days seemed like a dream, or like a scene from someone else’s life. Those were the days when Remus thought himself worthy of being loved by people other than his own parents.
But it was all over now, they had all left him alone in this cruel world. Two of them were dead, and the third was as good as dead, or even worse than dead. It would have been easier to accept that the watery-eyed boy in the photograph was dead too, instead of living the life he currently was. Remus wished it had been him who fell through the veil instead of Sirius, he thought Harry would be happier then. Although he loved Harry very much, Remus constantly felt unworthy of his affection, or anyone's affection for that matter.
He convinced himself that staying away from Harry all those years was the right thing to do, seeing as he would never be able to give Harry what he needed, and was best he kept his distance. Remus regretted smashing the photo frame almost immediately, he cut his fingers in the broken glass pieces while picking out the photo from the broken frame. He could have prevented this entirely from happening, but at that moment, nothing mattered. Remus didn’t even bother staunching his wounds, he needed to feel the pain.
Remus found an old bottle of firewhiskey in his pantry, still bleeding, he poured himself a glass, spilling some onto his wound, causing it to burn. But no amount of physical pain could compare to that of losing the last of his friends. He had no idea when he fell asleep, but he woke up the next morning still fully dressed, with dried blood on his fingers. With a flick of his wand, the empty bottle disappeared, and the glass returned to its rightful place. Remus rid himself of the robes he donned, they bore marks of battle, including dried blood from his beloved. He then stepped into the shower, needing to numb himself from all his pain, he didn't bother with heating.
The cold water seared his skin, making him feel awake and alive. Remus knew what he had to do. He had to start preparing for his mission, packing only the bare essentials and coming up with a backstory to disguise his true identity. Remus knew he had to end things with Dora, if there was even something to end, they never talked about what they were. Although Kingsley had sent word that she was now awake at St. Mungo's, and would be discharged soon, Remus stopped himself from going to see her.
It was for the better, he convinced himself, even if all he wanted to do was to be in her arms as he mourned the death of his brother. He spoke to Molly and Arthur about this at their first Order meeting at The Burrow, which was now their new headquarters. Both of them seemed to think this was silly of him, and tried to convince him to change his mind, but they gave in in the end. This was not the time for relationships anyway, this was war.
Remus was dreading the day Harry would be leaving Hogwarts. Even if he wanted to see Harry, and to make sure he was doing okay, he knew Dora would be there. Remus decided he would arrive right on time to minimise the chances of him having to talk to her. He really couldn't bear to say goodbye to Dora, and to break her heart, so he decided the best thing to do was to "ghost" her, as the muggles called it. Although, ironically, ghosts hung around longer than they should, which was the opposite of what you were meant to do when you "ghost" someone. To make things easier, or harder really, Remus decided he would leave for the werewolf camp right after seeing Harry off at King’s Cross.
Finally, the last day of term arrived, Remus reached King's Cross just five minutes before the Hogwarts Express reached the station. He saw Mad-Eye, Kingsley, the Weasleys, and Dora standing close to each other a little away from the barrier between platforms 9 and 10. Remus made his way towards them, careful not to meet Dora's eyes. He immediately struck up conversation with Arthur, Kingsley, and Mad-Eye. He did have questions for them, and he wanted to inform them about his plans with the werewolf camp. He kept his back towards Dora the entire time, but could feel her eyes on him. A perk, so to speak, of being a werewolf was that Remus had slightly heightened senses.
At long last, Harry arrived, closely followed by Hermione, and Ron, Remus was happy to note that Harry's face lit up at the sight of them. Remus hated the fate of which his best friend’s son was doomed to live, nothing ever seemed to go right for the poor boy. They went on with him to have a word with the Dursleys before they each went their separate ways. Hopefully Harry would be less miserable this summer, as he would only be spending a fortnight in Privet Drive before Dumbledore whisked him off to the Burrow.
Remus thought he managed to shake Dora off, but he was wrong as she accosted him as soon as she got the chance. The rest of the Order mumbled their goodbyes as they went on their way, keen not to get sucked into their drama. They had a rough picture of what was going on between them, and as long as it didn’t interfere with their work, nobody batted an eyelid, except Molly and Arthur of course, who were rooting for them from the start.
Dora grabbed his hand, a little roughly, before Remus could pull away, he noticed her hand felt rather cold, maybe she wasn't back to usual self yet. But her voice was full of concern.
‘Remus...sweetheart are you alright? I haven't heard from you since...that day in the ministry,’ she asked, her eyes wide, and glossy.
‘I'm fine, I've just been busy, I've got a new mission, I'll be leaving for it soon, now, in fact. I've no idea how long I'll be gone,’ answered Remus shortly, refusing to look her in the eye.
‘Where are you going? Do you still have any Wolfsbane left? I lost track of how much I made the last time.’
‘I won't be needing it anymore Tonks, thank you. In fact possessing Wolfsbane could jeopardize my mission,’ answered Remus simply. He knew Dora was aware of his mission, but what she didn't know was that he was planning on cutting off all contact with her.
"'Tonks?'’ Since when did you start calling me that again, and why won't you look me in the eye Remus? Why didn't you come and see me at the hospital? I thought- I thought I meant more to you’ said Dora, frustration clear in her voice.
‘It's better this way Tonks, I will forever treasure our time together, but we cannot go on. I'm too old, too poor, and too dangerous for you. You deserve someone young and whole. I've no idea how long I'll be away, but I'm sure my absence would do you good’,
‘I want you Remus, I love you, and I know you love me too. We can make this work, I'll find a way to see you whenever I can. Please Remus give us a chance’, said Dora, almost pleading with him.
‘Dora you've no idea what it's like to be with someone like me, I don't even know if I'll make it out alive from the camp. If the death eaters find out who I am, and that I'm with you, they'll definitely come for you. Move on with your life Dora, you deserve nothing but the best,’ .
‘So is that what this is? Suicide mission? Are you hoping to join Sirius and James, is that why you're doing this?!’
‘I can't lose you too Dora, that would destroy me, I had to lose Sirius twice, it hurts so much, and I don't know if I could bear to see you get hurt, I care about you too much,’
‘Then stay with me, let me take care of you Remus, let me be your shoulder to cry on, you don't have to be so strong all the time, I'm here for you, always,’
‘I'm sorry Tonks, but I can't, we never should have done this, it was a mistake. Let's just end things now,’
‘Is this because of Sirius? I'm sorry Remus, I tried my best to finish off Bellatrix, but she looks so like my mother, and this distracted me for a bit which is why she got me. I'm sorry, I should have been stronger,’ said Dora, tears filling her eyes.
‘Dora it's not your fault, that never even crossed my mind, ever. Don't blame yourself for this’, Remus' expression softened, he had never blamed Dora in any way for Sirius' death, it was impertinent she knew this. He couldn't help but pull her into his arms.
‘Don’t do this Remus, please,’ tears were streaming down her face now. ‘We can make this work, I know we can,’
‘For how long Tonks? How long do you want to be dragged down by me, and my affliction? I can’t let ruin your life by being with me.’
‘Forever, Remus. I love you, I want you, only you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to marry you, and I know you want that too,’
Remus’ mind strayed to the three rings he had, safely in his cottage. She was right, and even more of a Gryffindor than him.
‘I do, Dora, more than anything, you know I do. But you’ve no idea what it's like to simply be a friend of werewolves, let alone wife,’ said Remus.
He was running out of excuses and he knew it. But this was the one ironclad reason he had, which nothing could ever change. He wanted more than anything to say ‘I love you too’, those four simple words, but he forced himself not to.
‘Why do you always go back to that,’ said Dora sounding exasperated, ‘You’re only a werewolf once a month, it doesn’t have to be your identity, I don’t care about your affliction, we can overcome it, and anything else life throws our way together. This heart,’ she placed her hand on his chest, ‘is all I care about,’
Remus wanted to believe her, a small part of him did. But life had been too cruel to him to see otherwise. He remembered how Ron shuddered at his touch when he found out about his affliction two years ago in the Shrieking Shack. He would never let anyone talk to Dora like that because of him. Remus pushed her away gently, she didn’t fight him this time.
‘I’m sorry Tonks, but there’s no way we can be together, even if there wasn’t a war going on. I’m sure you’ll find someone worthy of your love in no time, who can give you what you want. Take care of yourself, Tonks. Goodbye.’
And he turned on the spot and disapparated with a pop, before she could stop him. Her hands in mid-air as she made to catch hold of his robes which had been there just seconds ago, leaving her alone, heartbroken, and lost for words.