Chapter 12
Remus looked awful. He was covered in bruises, matched in color by the bags under his eyes. Lily had asked about it, but she’d gotten a predictably taciturn response. Quickly enough, he’d excused himself to go back to sleep, something it had seemed like he sorely needed.
She wanted to help him. But, whatever he was hiding, he wasn’t going to tell her. It was a little ironic how much that hurt her feelings, considering the situation of her own dormitory of late.
She’d barely seen Andi. The others had been friendly enough, but awkwardness laced all of their interactions. The boys' dorm seemed no better. They were hardly speaking at all, and certainly not to her.
Given Remus’s condition, she had patrolled with Frank Longbottom that night and had seen delightfully few rule-breaking students. They were even back a little early. It was just before midnight.
The Common Room was practically empty as she bid the Head Boy goodnight, a yawn obscuring her words. She told him to say hi to Alice for her, and the blush that spread across his cheeks was gratifying. She wasn’t certain that was the intended use for the private Head Boy dorms, but they seemed happy. Someone should be.
Lily was miserable. She was tired and lonely and... sad. It felt like such a feeble word to describe the way despair had drenched every part of her life. Her friends, her family, her sleep, everything.
Frank had filled her in on some kind of incident surrounding James and Sev, and she’d hardly found it within herself to be curious. Severus had gotten himself into trouble, as usual, and James had somehow saved him, which was, admittedly, out of character.
They were both safe. They both probably hated each other more than ever. She was tired of hearing from either of them how terrible the other was. She knew when she finally saw Severus tomorrow, she’d hear the full story. Hear how wrong everyone was, how it had all been James’s fault. He was probably right. But it didn’t mean she cared.
She drifted towards the fireplace, banked down for the night but still full of warm, glowing embers. Maybe she’d sleep down here tonight. Maybe she’d ask to sleep in Alice’s empty bed in the seventh year dormitory. Maybe she’d just close her eyes and not have to deal with any of it anymore.
“Please don’t sit on me, Evans,” a muffled voice startled her, and she spun around to see Sirius Black curled up on the sofa behind her, eyeing her with wariness.
She looked him up and down, then sat on the end of the sofa, by his feet. He looked almost as awful as Remus had.
He let out a mild groan as she made herself comfortable, pulling the blanket he’d been using so it covered her as well.
“Is this payback? What is your problem?” He asked her, straightening up a little.
“I’m not the one sleeping in the Common Room.” She said, primly, ignoring the fact she had just been considering doing the same thing.
“Yeah, well,” Sirius said, darkly. “I imagine you know why.”
She looked at him, then shook her head. “Nope.”
Sirius looked at her for a long moment, then shrugged. “You probably will soon enough. Then you can hate me like everyone else does.”
“You think I don’t already hate you?” She asked, suppressing a small smile.
“Thanks, Evans. You really know how to hit a bloke when he’s down.”
“It’s my secret talent.”
Sirius snorted. “Not that secret.”
“Why are you sleeping in the Common Room?” She asked.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone that your dad died?” He responded, clearly not expecting an answer as he stared into the flames in front of them.
But Lily was done doing what was expected.
“I thought I could handle it myself, I s'pose." She said, not looking at him. “I wanted to. Talking about it just made it seem real. It’s like, when I’m at Hogwarts, there’s a chance it didn’t happen, you know?” She knew she wasn’t making sense. “But if I’d told everyone, they’d all know, and… I don’t know.”
“And if they knew, you wouldn’t be able to pretend anymore,” Sirius finished for her.
She looked away from the fireplace, seeing the grim look of pain on Sirius’s tragically attractive face.
“Why are you sleeping in the Common Room?” She asked, again.
He hesitated, but she had a sense he was thinking of what to say rather than refusing to answer.
“I fucked up. They kicked me out.”
Lily raised her eyebrows. “They can’t kick you out of your room.”
“No. And yet...”
Against all reason, Lily let out a small strangled laugh.
“Thanks,” Sirius said, shooting her a half-hearted glare.
“It’s just… There have been lots of times in my life where I would have taken joy in the breakdown of the Marauders, and now, looking at you? It’s just a bit sad.”
“And that makes you laugh?” He questioned, although he was sporting a small smile of his own.
“Better than crying, usually.”
They sat in silence for a few long moments, and Lily felt her eyelids grow dry and heavy. She should go to bed. She, at least, still had one.
“Evans?” Sirius asked, sounding tired.
“Yes?”
“When is it acceptable for me to kick you out of my room?”
At this, she laughed properly. Then, an idea occurred to her.
“Come on,” she said, pushing herself to her feet. “I know where you can stay.”
She held out a hand to help him up, and he was looking at her dubiously.
“I appreciate the option, but I think going to bed with you is going to make my situation significantly worse.”
Lily picked up a pillow and hit him with it, ignoring his yelp of protest.
“I’m not sharing a bed with you, Black. But I do know where you can stay.”
He sat up properly but still looked doubtful. “Where?”
“I’ll tell you when we get there,” she said, already moving towards the Portrait Hole.
“It’s past midnight. How long does it take to get there?” He stood up, following her nevertheless.
“Is Sirius Black afraid of getting caught out after curfew?” She asked, pushing the portrait hole open and ignoring the sleepy snores of the Fat Lady.
“Sirius Black is afraid of whatever strange spirit has possessed Lily Evans,” he muttered, pulling his wand out automatically as they slipped into the dark hallways. “At least tell me where we’re going. I know how to avoid getting caught.”
Lily wrinkled her nose at that piece of information but shrugged. “Seventh Floor. By the tapestry of Barnabus the Barmy.”
Sirius looked at her like she was decidedly the barmy one, but shook his head and began to lead the way.
***
It didn’t take them long to reach the seventh floor. And, she had to admit, Lily enjoyed knowing something about the castle that Sirius Black didn’t. At least, he seemed remarkably confused when she had him stop, and examined the trolls in the tapestry as if they might start talking to him.
Closing her eyes, Lily centered herself. Then, she began to walk.
I need a place for Sirius Black to live, she thought, before spinning and walking back the other way. A safe place for him to stay, just a room and bed.
As she completed her third walkthrough, Sirius made a noise of amazement.
“What the fuck is that?” He said, approaching the small, plain-looking door. “Is this a secret passage? How did I not know about this?”
She grinned, and it was her first real smile in weeks. “Come on,” she said, rolling her eyes and pushing past him, “let’s see what we have in here.”
The room was fairly spacious, with a big bed on one side and an arched carved headboard extending above it. There were long, velvet curtains covering one wall and a large chandelier hanging from the ceiling. There were Gryffindor colors everywhere, even down to the quilt covering the bed.
One wall was covered in posters–of motorcycles and bikini clad women. Lily shot him a look of disgust, which he missed as he was staring around the room in absolute incredulity.
“Evans,” he said, slowly, “what is this? How... how do you know what my room looks like?”
She looked around in surprise. This is what Sirius’s room looked like?
“I didn’t,” she said, honestly. “It’s all the room. It’s called the Room of Requirement. You walk in front of that section of wall three times thinking about what you need, and it… well, it makes it.”
He still seemed stunned, sitting down on the foot of the bed gingerly. “How did you even know about this? Does everyone know about this?”
She shook her head, still lingering by the door. “I don’t think so. Gideon and Fabian showed me my third year.”
“Kinky,” he said, as if he couldn’t help himself.
She rolled her eyes. “Desperately. Since then, I sometimes use it when I need a space that feels... well, less magical. It can make a room that feels like my house. Properly muggle. It’s nice.”
Sirius looked at her as if she was mental.
“Hey, I’m doing something nice for you here.” She complained.
“Yeah,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips. “But... why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you doing something nice for me?” He asked. “You hate me. And, honestly, not without cause. I don’t always like you all that much. Why would you go out of your way to show me something like this?”
“Why am I being nice to you?” She clarified, feeling somewhat amused.
“Yeah.”
“I’m being nice to you because I am nice, Sirius.” It was one of the only times she’d ever called him by his name. Then she shrugged. “No matter how hard I try to be otherwise, these days.”
He looked down at that, then yawned. She laughed.
“I’ll leave you be, then.”
“Right. Thanks, Evans. I mean… Lily.” He seemed uncertain. “Things’ll sort out with your mates. You didn’t fuck it up nearly as bad as I did.”
She sighed, feeling some of her earlier exhaustion come back to her. “Maybe. Maybe they’ll sort out with yours, too.”
Waving off his mild concerns about her safety, Lily left the Room of Requirement. She didn’t feel hopeful, exactly. But, for the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel desolate.
***
She only spoke with Severus briefly over the next few days. She’d wanted to ask about the incident with James Potter, but they’d had neither the time nor privacy to discuss something like that. The next time they’d managed to have an actual conversation was while walking through the Clocktower Courtyard after Potions, after she’d cast a heating charm over the both of them.
It had been a bad class. Severus had partnered with another Slytherin over her, which had been mildly insulting. She’d actually ended up working with Sirius, which was an even stranger turn of events, as James Potter continued to resolutely ignore him.
Sirius, while being almost certainly a genius, was not nearly as helpful in potions.
“I just don’t understand why you partnered with him,” Severus said, for the third time.
“How is this my fault? You partnered with Erika Lee before I’d even gotten to class.”
“She needed help with her Potions grade! I’d offered to help, you’re going to hold that against me?”
“I’m not holding anything against you,” she said, sighing inwardly. “I’m just saying that I had to find a partner. Black was the only person available.”
“What about the other girls in your House?” Severus asked. She hadn’t told him about her recent explosion or falling out with Andi, nor the incessant awkwardness with the other girls. And, at this point, she wasn’t feeling particularly like sharing.
“What does it matter?” She said, tiredly, as they reached the other end of the courtyard. “You’ve hardly got the best taste in friends, have you?”
“Oh, so you’re friends now?” He sounded irate. “Friends with Sirius Black. Really?”
“Look, if you’re going to act this way, I’m leaving,” she said, finally, turning away, but Severus reached out and grabbed her elbow, gently, pulling her back. His voice was low as he spoke.
“Look, I just… I care about you, Lily. I thought we were supposed to be friends. Best friends.”
Lily sighed. “We are, Sev, but I don’t like some of the people you’re hanging round with! I’m sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev, he’s creepy! D’you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald over the summer?” Lily had reached a pillar and leaned against it, looking up into the thin, sallow face. He must know. He must know what had happened.
“That was nothing,” said Severus. “It was a laugh, that’s all —”
Now it was Lily’s turn to get angry. She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms, daring him to go on. “It was Dark Magic, and if you think that’s funny —”
“What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?” demanded Severus. His color rose again as he said it, unable, it seemed, to hold in his resentment.
“What’s Potter got to do with anything?” said Lily.
“They sneak out at night. There’s something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?”
“He’s ill,” said Lily, loyally. “They say he’s ill —”
“Every month at the full moon?” said Severus.
“I know your theory,” said Lily, coldly. She wasn’t going to let Severus take this stupid grudge out on Remus. “Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they’re doing at night?”
“I’m just trying to show you they’re not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are.”
The intensity of his gaze made her blush. Sometimes, she didn’t want to love Sev as much as she did, even if the very thought felt like a betrayal.
“They don’t use Dark Magic, though.” She dropped her voice. “And you’re being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever’s down there —”
Severus’s whole face contorted, and he spluttered, “Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends’ too! You’re not going to — I won’t let you —”
“Let me? Let me?” Lily’s bright green eyes were slits.
Severus backtracked at once.“I didn’t mean — I just don’t want to see you made a fool of — He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!” The words seemed wrenched from him against his will. “And he’s not . . . everyone thinks . . . big Quidditch hero —” Sev’s bitterness and dislike were rendering him incoherent, and Lily’s eyebrows were traveling farther and farther up her forehead.
She thought about the other night in truth or dare. How he’d somehow said, under a truth spell, that he’d found her the most attractive, even with people like Robin Kapoor and Sirius Black sitting around the circle. She hadn’t given herself a chance to think about that, too absorbed with the disgusting words he’d flung at her after that.
“I know James Potter’s an arrogant toerag,” she said, cutting across Severus. “I don’t need you to tell me that. But Mulciber’s and Avery’s idea of humor is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don’t understand how you can be friends with them.”
Severus eased immediately, despite her continued disgust of Mulciber and Avery. They made it to the Library without any more accusations or interrogations, and it wasn’t until they parted ways later on that she thought about the conversation properly.
He’d called the attack on Mary “a laugh”. And a strange kind of dread began to settle in her stomach.