Chapter 3
“I’m really sorry,” she said again, looking down at her patent leather shoes.
“Really, Lily, it’s okay,” Finn said, sounding surprisingly unbothered. She wasn’t sure if she should be offended by that or not. “I mean… I would be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming.”
She looked up at him, into those startling blue eyes, with furrowed brows. He reached out and touched her cheek, then shoved his hands into his pockets.
“You’ve clearly been struggling, Lily. I know your dad was… Well, it’s changed things. I think you’re beautiful and smart and fun and I want to be part of the solution, but…” He gave her a sad smile. “If I’m part of the problem, then so be it.”
Lily nodded, still rather stunned about how easy this had all been.
“As far as breakups go,” he continued, “this is one of the least awkward ones. We aren’t in the same year, we aren’t in the same house. Really we’ll only have to see each other at Slug Club meetings. We can handle that, right?” Lily nodded again, then gave him a small, pained smile.
“Thanks, Finn. I really…” Her voice trailed off, mind already wandering. “You were a really good boyfriend.”
“Thanks, Lils. I’ll… I’ll see you around, okay?” He said, patting her awkwardly on the arm, and escaping into the Great Hall before she could say anything in response.
She ducked behind a statue of a solemn-looking knight and pressed her back against the wall, breathing slowly. That had gone a lot better than expected. But she still didn’t feel any better about any of it.
Besides Severus, Finn had been the only one who had known about her dad’s accident. She’d sent him a letter in that strange shocked haze, telling him her dad’s truck had crashed, and she wouldn’t be able to respond much for the rest of the holidays. He’d sent something back, and she was sure it was appropriately kind and sympathetic. She hadn’t read it. The only letter she’d read all summer had been from Hogwarts.
Sev had been the one she’d leaned on. He’d been the one at the cemetery, ignoring the sour looks from Petunia, who had somehow been able to summon up elitism at their own father’s funeral. He’d been the one to watch her cry on the rusted old swing set, sitting with her until she was strong enough to go home.
She didn’t have feelings for Severus. But she couldn’t deny they were connected. And a small part of her had felt guilty about how much she craved Sev’s company instead of Finn’s. Shouldn’t she feel different? She wanted to. Shouldn’t her boyfriend be more than just an afterthought? Well, ex-boyfriend now.
A part of her feared that maybe she was in love with Severus, and was just too wrapped up in everything to tell. And the rest of her felt too exhausted to bother sorting that out. She needed to get some sleep.
***
Marlene had been right. Lily didn’t mind Double Potions, even as the post-lunch slump was hitting her hard. She walked into the Potions classroom a few minutes early and was greeted by an almost jubilant Professor Slughorn.
“Lily, my girl!” He boomed, grinning widely. “Had a good summer, I hope? I must say, I’m delighted to see what you’ll come up with this year. A more promising OWL student I haven’t had in an age.”
“Thank you, Professor,” she smiled, politely. She liked Slughorn. Not in the least because he seemed to like her so much. It was nice, in a world where so many were skeptical of her abilities, to have someone willing to sing her praises from the Astronomy Tower. “I’m hoping to practice even further in some of the open study sessions if you’ll have me.”
“If I’ll have you?” Slughorn shook his head, amused. “Miss Evans, you are welcome to use my facilities at absolutely any time. I’ll get you a key to the supply cabinet if that’ll make you feel better about it. There’s only one condition.”
“What’s that, Professor?”
“That you must show me what you end up concocting. I want to be your first stop on the way to potions fame.” She grinned and nodded, pulling her textbook out of her bag. “Ah, speaking of potions fame! Mr. Potter, how was your summer? How is dear Fleamont?” Lily looked up, seeing James strolling in, his arm slung around Sirius’s shoulders.
“Same as ever, Professor,” he oozed indifference. James was middling at Potions, while, admittedly, talented in Transfiguration and Charms. And yet, Slughorn would spend all class attempting to charm him if it meant some of that got back to James’s father.
“That’s the stuff, my boy,” Slughorn said, clapping James heartily on the back. Lily rolled her eyes, earning herself a glare from Sirius, who missed nothing. Luckily, she didn’t have to engage with either of them for long, as Severus joined her table, putting his textbook next to hers without ceremony.
She smiled at him automatically, until she saw Mary Macdonald taking a table in the back, Andi watching over her like a hawk.
There was no way Severus had known about the attack and not told her. There was no way he could have heard about something like that and kept it to himself. There was no way he could be friends with someone who would do that, but… She’d seen him with Mulciber and Avery too many times to count. They were dormmates, for god’s sake.
Still, she wondered.
“Good first day?” She asked him, as Slughorn began to draw attention to the front of the class.
Severus gave her a scathing look. “Small talk, Lily? Really?”
“Not everything has to be an argument, Sev,” she said, and her exhaustion must have been evident because he softened instantly.
“Sorry,” he muttered, and she gave him a feeble attempt at a smile.
“Now, class, today we have something extra exciting to prepare for your OWLs,” Slughorn boomed, and she wondered if he magically amplified his voice before teaching or if that was simply his natural tenor. “A Wit-Sharpening Potion may come in handy, don’t you think? Now, of course,” he waggled his finger, “taking it before an exam would be considered cheating, so I know none of you are considering that. But, it has been known to make a study session more productive, and will allow me to demonstrate a new technique to you all.”
With a flick of his wand, he floated a jar to each of their tables, the contents obscured by thick, dark glass. Lily plucked it out of the air and examined the jar, holding it up to the light.
“While we have used scarab beetles before, today we will be crushing them, instead of grinding them. You may think that sounds like the same thing. Who can tell me why it’s not?” Slughorn didn’t even look around the room. “Miss Evans? What do you think?”
“I’d imagine it has to do with the ending consistency of the ingredient,” she said and felt Severus’s subtle nod beside her. “Grinding would leave a finer dust, while crushing would allow larger pieces of the beetle to remain intact, influencing the potion differently.”
“Correct, as always,” Slughorn smiled, and Lily couldn’t help but return it. “Five points to Gryffindor. And five to Slytherin, as I’m certain Mr. Snape had the same idea.” She heard snorts from the direction of James and the other Marauders and shot them a glare. “I’m sure your table will have little use for the Wit-Sharpening potion, exams or no.”
After that, the class mostly devolved into casual conversation as they started collecting their ingredients. Lily and Severus mostly worked in comfortable silence, watching the other closely as they prepared ingredients. Lily crushed the beetle with the handle of her knife, feeling a slight stab of remorse as the iridescent blue body crumbled in her hands.
“Lily?” Severus interrupted her, and she realized she’d been staring at the crushed beetle for a few moments too long.
“Hmm?” She answered, evasively.
“That’s the last step before we let it brew overnight. We can leave early.”
“Right,” she said, nodding. “Right. We can get started on some homework.” He raised his eyebrows. “Sorry, I’m just tired. Not sleeping well.”
“I get it,” he said, without elaborating “Let’s just finish the potion and get out of here.” He took the beetle fragments from her and added them without ceremony, stirring the potion slowly with his wand. Lily busied herself with cleaning up their station, before levitating their whole cauldron to a shelf in the back, where it would happily brew for the next twenty-four hours.
After waving at a slightly sweaty Slughorn, the two of them walked out, a full forty-five minutes before the class was meant to be over. They made their way out of the dungeons, reaching the courtyard, before Snape spoke.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, point blank.
“There’s nothing wrong, I just…” But that wasn’t true. There was a lot wrong. “Just a lot to do. I’ve got patrols tonight with Remus, you’re not on until Friday, right?” Severus made a face, and she rolled her eyes. “What?”
“Remus, is he?” He sounded annoyed.
“Yes.” She ground out. “He’s my friend, so I tend to call him by his first name.”
“He’s the same as the rest of them, you know that–”
“I know that he’s nice and he’s smart and he’s helpful. I know that he’s my prefect partner and I’m going to be spending a lot of time with him. And I know that it’s none of your business who I’m friends with.”
“What, you’re allowed to criticize my friends but I’m not allowed to say you’re messing around with someone dangerous?” He had chosen the wrong day to needle her.
“You know what, I’m done.” Her voice echoed across the courtyard as she slowed to a stop, her arms folded. “I am not dealing with this today. Have a nice day.” And with that, she stalked off.
***
Andi was the first person to join her in the Common Room, Mary in tow. Mary smiled at Lily, then crossed the room to the stairs, disappearing up to the dorm before Lily could say more than ‘hello.’ Andi watched her go before sitting down on the sofa next to Lily, getting a roll of parchment out of her bag.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Mary?” Lily asked, somewhat pleased by the surprised look on the other girl’s face as she looked up, the parchment forgotten.
“I thought you knew,” She shrugged, not seeming particularly regretful. “You guys are friends, I thought she must have told you. Or, I mean, I thought Snape… Mulciber’s one of his best friends. Seems unlikely he wouldn’t have heard about it. They were all laughing the rest of the night in the pub, according to Tom.”
“He can’t have known,” she said, willing it to be true. Andi looked at her, pityingly. “And I… Mary didn’t tell me.”
“Well, that’s hardly my fault,” Andi shrugged, again. “Can I get back to this essay now?”
Lily opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again. She turned back to her own notes, ending the conversation. Mary hadn’t told her. But… Lily would have expected her to.
There were three muggleborns in their year in Gryffindor. Lily, Mary, and Fiona Hansen. The new legislation in talks at the Ministry would limit it to two muggleborns per year in the whole school. Which one of them would have been left behind, at eleven, to figure out their strange powers on their own? Until now, it had felt like there was a sort of camaraderie between them, between all muggleborns. They were hated for something completely out of their control. They were thrust into a world of magic and wonder–but a world of hate, too.
Now, for the first time, that feeling of community was gone. None of them knew how to react to the direct attacks against them. Some thought the best course of action was to be unnoticeable. To ignore the hateful rhetoric and asinine propaganda, and leave the rest of the conflict to the adults. But Lily… Lily had never been good at being unnoticeable. She’d alienated enough of her fellow muggleborns simply by being friends with Severus. And now, with the idea of the Muggleborn Fairness Act, they were suddenly all in direct competition with each other.
It was horrible. And yet, the Lily that would usually be outraged by this, the one that would work on solutions until she ran out of ink, the one who would campaign for unity and justice and peace? That Lily was gone. That Lily had grown up. And this one just wanted it all to stop. Wanted someone else to figure it out, just this once.
“Can you look over my salamander blood essay tonight?” Andi said, after nearly half an hour of sharp quill scratching.
“That isn’t due until next week,” Lily remarked, wondering if she should have started her own work.
“And?” Andi asked, still not looking up.
“I’ll do it after patrols,” Lily said, already preparing herself for a late night.
“I’ll sneak in some coffee from the kitchens if you want.” Lily smiled at the unexpected thoughtfulness.
“That would be nice. Thanks.”
“I am sorry you didn’t know. I just… Mary and I have never been that close, and I didn’t really know how she’d want to handle things. But I know… Well, I guess that as a muggleborn, you’d want to know something like that.”
“Thanks, Andi,” Lily said, quietly. “But you’re right. It’s not your fault. I’ve just been… out of it.” Andi didn’t argue. Lily wondered whether her distraction had affected the other girl more than she’d thought. “And I’m glad you were there to help Mary. I can’t even imagine what would have happened, if…”
There was a brief pause. Then, Andi said, darkly, “I can.”