It would be a hundred times easier
If we were young again
But as it is and it is
We're just two slow dancers, last ones out
We're two slow dancers, last ones out
A young man was running in the distance, turning his face to his pursuer for a brief moment every once in a while and shouting something with a smile - something he was unable to understand. There was something so familiar about the scene that he was sure he’d been there before. He felt safe and happy like he was supposed to be following the man; like they were friends. He felt younger, full of energy and wonder, as he followed the figure ahead.
Suddenly, everything seemed to shift. He noticed the setting sun moving quickly into the dark grey clouds that had begun covering the forest they were running through as cold and unforgiving wind picked up.
He was sure he recognized the man, if only by the grey of his eyes and the mischievous curve to his lips. He tried to keep up with him, wanting to be closer to him, keeping the tips of his tattered robes in his line of sight as much as he could around the twists and turns of the trees as his heart thudded uncomfortably in his chest.
His feet hit the ground hard and the cold wind whipped around him, as he tried to keep his momentum. He could hear the man ahead shouting, could almost recognize his voice but there was something eerie about the way it was carried back to him on the breeze, like he knew the exact tones and lilts the voice would carry but hadn’t heard them in centuries, making them nearly unrecognizable. A large mouse ran across the clearing ahead of him before disappearing into the thick brush lining the path in front of him.
To his left, something running alongside him caught his eye and he turned his head to look.
A magnificently large stag kept its pace next to him with little effort as he ran through the trees. He was sure he knew the stag too, but couldn’t quite place how he would know a stag.
The man ahead suddenly stopped short and turned around, face nearly completely obscured and blurry save for grey eyes and a sarcastic grin. The stag stopped as well, standing its ground. As the faceless man ran towards them, he began to understand what was going to happen. The man was a hunter, and he had led to him his prey.
“No! Wait!” He screamed, his voice sounding young and unfamiliar. “Don’t do this, please!” He tried to step in front of the stag, to protect him but the stag gently pushed him aside and bowed his head, just as the man reached them. There was a churning in the pit of his stomach like he had lost something he couldn’t put his finger on as a blinding white light erupted over his vision.
Remus Lupin fell awake suddenly, breathing heavily through his nose. The recurrent nightmare hadn’t plagued him for weeks, but the scent of blood and the incessant ringing in his ears told him that his brain didn’t have enough energy to be shielding him from his thoughts. He knew what the dream meant and that it would likely continue to make an appearance for years and years to come, no matter how many sleeping draughts he drank or dreamless sleep potions he took.
The rising sun shone down onto his aching body, which was curled into a warm patch of moss in a secluded cluster of trees in the Forbidden Forest somewhere behind Hogwarts.
He rolled onto his back, quickly realizing that he was naked and covered in deep scratches. He figured he had also most likely popped his hip out of place if the sharp pain shooting down through his leg with every breath was anything to go by. It took him a few hazy moments, but he slowly remembered his Wolfsbane sitting forgotten on his desk, next to the Marauder’s Map.
Ah. The first and only transformation all year, of course, had to be this terrible. He thought sullenly.
He looked around, taking in his surroundings and his proximity to the school, hoping he wasn’t close enough that anyone could see him rolling around and stretching on the forest floor.
As he collected his thoughts and came to his senses, the previous night entered his mind with such clarity that he sat up so quickly he knocked the breath out of his chest.
Sirius. He thought desperately. It wasn’t a dream. He was here. He replayed seeing Sirius again for the first time in 12 years over and over in his head rapidly, seeing flashes of the smallest moments flood his memory. At once he realized, with horror, that he had transformed before he could help Sirius make a plea to Dumbledore or even escape. He began to feel miserable that he hadn’t gotten to hold him for longer, to tell him that he was sorry, or even begin to say goodbye but he pushed those feelings aside for the time being. He didn’t even know yet what had happened to Sirius. For all he knew, Sirius could be dead.
He sighed. He needed to get himself together, somehow get covered, and crawl his way back to the castle to meet Madame Pomfrey.
He thought briefly about Apparating - thinking that by what he could see in his general vicinity, he was far closer to the outskirts of Hogsmeade, and he could at least get a bit closer to the grounds - but decided against it based on the burning he was beginning to noticing spreading across his back. He would surely get splinched, he was too weak and preoccupied with actively trying not to think about Sirius and how the previous night's events had played out.
He leaned back onto his elbows, wondering how much coverage the moss on the ground would provide him for the trek back to the hospital wing if fashioned into something like a kilt. Lost in his thoughts, it took a moment for him to register the sound of footsteps drawing nearer to him. He couldn’t stand, and given the choice between rolling over and curling in himself or covering himself with his hands and hoping students were not approaching him, he would definitely choose the latter.
“Professor Lupin.” He heard Dumbledore’s voice call from behind him. He sighed in relief.
“I have some robes for you. Will you be needing a stretcher or can you walk back?” Glancing up, Remus saw neatly folded robes floating above him. He reached up and grabbed them, ignoring the disgust for Dumbledore building in his chest. If what Sirius said was true, and gods he hoped it was true, Dumbledore was perhaps the most dangerous man he had ever known. It was possible Dumbledore had always known the truth and left all of them to suffer seeing all of their lives as nearly means to justify an end.
“Thank you, sir.” He slid his arms into the sleeves of the robes painfully and pushed himself to his feet. He wouldn’t give Dumbledore the satisfaction of levitating him to the hospital wing.
He ran a hand over his eyes and through his hair, pulling out sticks and leaves as he went.
“It has been a rather eventful night, Lupin, I would suggest a visit to Madame Pomfrey and then a word in my office. If you’ve the time, of course.” Remus fought the urge to roll his eyes.
Of course, it’s been eventful, Professor. You had one of your employees turn into a werewolf and run around the forest behind your school, and that’s not even bringing up the fact that a ‘mass murderer’ broke into the grounds by communicating with a fucking cat...wait, he communicated with the cat to get in. Gods, I forgot how smart he is. Pretty stupid, though, still to come here of all places. His thoughts took over and he forgot the pain in his legs and Dumbledore staring expectantly at him over the rims of his glasses.
“Professor Lupin? Shall we go?” Remus cleared his throat and nodded, stepping shakily into place beside Dumbledore. He, of course, could barely match Dumbledore’s pace but tried as hard as he could to do so. He didn’t need sympathy, and he needed sympathy from Dumbledore least of all.
Some hours later, after an extended visit with Madame Pomfrey who tutted and scolded and fussed for him to stay in bed just as she had when he was a child, Remus sat in Dumbledore’s office. His hands shook and he tried to process the words coming out of the older wizard’s mouth.
“Some parents have been made aware of the reality of your condition, Professor Lupin. Now, I can assure you that I will come to your defense whenever possible and I will not remove you from your position as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. You have shown your ability to control the transition with the wolfsbane potion and I can say matter-of-factly that you are not a danger to anyone as long as it is supplied to you. I can have arrangements made to keep you on until NEWTS have been completed and then you may decide what you would like to do from there.” Remus nodded stiffly, his mouth dry.
“Who told them?” Dumbledore set his lips into a line and clicked his tongue against the backs of his teeth.
“I am not able to narrow it down at the present.” Remus folded his hands together and leaned forward in his seat, leveling his stare with Dumbledores’.
“It was Snape, right? He was there last night. He sent out letters before I could even realize what happened and now parents are sending in owls left and right. Am I right...Professor?” Dumbledores’ eyes did not leave Remus’ and the two sat and stared at each other for a few long moments, which seemed to drag on for hours.
“I could never know for sure, Lupin.” Remus barely contained an extremely obnoxious eye roll. “Now, why don’t you go get some rest, hm? Dinner will be soon, and I suspect someone is waiting to speak to you in your rooms.” Remus’ eyebrows shot up into his hairline.
He couldn’t mean…
“He has a lot to tell you and not much time to do so, I’m afraid.” Dumbledores’ eyes twinkled in a way that turned Remus’ stomach, but he ignored the feeling, standing quickly despite his screaming muscles and crossing the large room, wrenching the door open with as much force as he could muster. He tried not to sprint across the castle to the tiny section of rooms that he called home for the last nine months, but fortunately for him, his many aching joints wouldn’t allow him to anyway. Madame Pomfrey suggested a cane for times like these, many years ago, and Remus thought he may finally take her advice and accept the aid she wanted to provide.
When he finally got to his corner of the castle, he picked up on Sirius’ scent and stopped dead in his tracks. He paused to fully breathe it in, almost as if he was in shock.
He wasn’t sure if he was ready to be alone with Sirius for the first time in over a decade, having just found out the truth of the horrendous events that flipped his life on its head. He leaned against the cool stone wall just outside of his door and willed his heart to slow down. He knew he needed to be collected before he walked into that room.
He placed his hand gently on the door handle and paused, blowing out a breath before pushing the door open and stepping into the room.
Sirius sat on his bed, tucked comfortably against the pillows and flipping through a book he had pulled from the shelf behind Remus’ bed. He seemed to have just showered, his shiny, long hair slicked away from his forehead and still matted in some places. He was wearing one of Remus’ sweaters that he had saved for the coldest days off in the winter months and Remus’ heart clenched harshly in his chest. He hadn’t seen Sirius in his clothes in far too long. Sirius looked up from the page he was reading slowly and locked eyes with Remus, both of them letting out heavy sighs and swallowing thickly.
“Hello, Remus.” Sirius said with a smile that didn’t completely reach his sunken eyes. Remus’ heart seized.
Remus closed the door behind him gently and leaned his back against it, trying to find the words to say.
“You’re wearing my sweater.” He blurted out exasperatedly. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and winced. He had not meant to have that be the first thing he said to Sirius once they were alone.
“Oh...I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I just wanted out of those prison clothes - I can change, of course.” Remus held a hand out and shook his head.
“Of course not. You wear anything you like, don’t be silly. Just...haven’t seen that in a while, I suppose.” He shrugged and walked slowly across the room. He was mentally kicking himself.
I’m 34 years old, there’s no way Sirius Black should still have this effect on me.
Remus sat in the armchair sitting diagonally from his bed, next to the fireplace he wished he could still use. He waved his wand across the room, instantly heating the kettle and summoning mugs from the small cupboard in the kitchenette to sit on the side tables next to himself and Sirius.
“Cuppa?” Remus asked, making pointed eye contact with Sirius, who seemed to be shrinking in on himself more every minute.
“Sure, thank you.” Remus furrowed his eyebrows and stood while the kettle magically filled the mugs, thinking he needed to be closer to Sirius to properly gauge the way he was feeling. “Still take it the same?” Remus asked softly, picking up the mug and resisting the urge to sit next to Sirius on the small bed.
“Um. I’m not exactly sure. It’s been a while since I’ve had it...but I would think so, yes.” Sirius looked up at Remus and nodded, giving Remus a glimpse of the self-assured boy he once knew. Remus smiled, nodding and turning his back to add sugar and milk to the steaming mug.
Remus handed the mug to Sirius and returned to his seat in the lumpy armchair. He sipped slowly, unabashedly staring at the man sitting on his bed. Sirius was frail, with stringy hair and dark rings around his eyes, though Remus supposed it made sense. He had been in a dirty prison cell in the dark for so many years, thinking that he had no one left and giving up on himself slowly. Remus felt a pang in his chest at the fact that he couldn’t have saved Sirius from that fate.
Selfishly, Remus thought he still looked as beautiful as he had the last time he saw him, if not a bit worse-for-wear, and imagined how much Sirius’ beauty would shine through again after a few nights of rest and daily meals.
Sirius turned halfway around to look at Remus from the corner of his eye and picked at the chipping paint on the handle of his mug. Remus waited.
“Remus...you believed I did..that...that I let James -” He choked on the name and paused for a breath. “That I led Voldemort to James and Lily? That I let them be murdered? Harry, too? You really believed it?” Sirius’s gravelly voice carried through to the corners of the small space and Remus stilled, setting his mug down and scrubbing the patch of stubble beginning to cover his jaw.
“Sirius, you have to understand,” Sirius gasped quietly, painfully, but allowed Remus to continue. “I came back from another long mission to all of you being gone or dead and there were no answers but the ones that Dumbledore could give me.” Remus clenched his fist.
“I now fully believe Dumbledore knew you were innocent from the beginning, but...Sirius, I can’t change the past. I searched for years for answers, ways to make what everyone was saying about you untrue, but I couldn’t find any.” Remus sighed, wanting nothing more than to sit next to Sirius and wrap his arms around him. “Somehow, Peter’s cunning slipped just under our radar. He played a good game, as horrible as it sounds, and everyone believed his side because he wasn’t around to be shy, stuttering Peter giving himself away.” He sighed. “I know the truth now, and I’ll do whatever I can to make it right, I swear. I just...didn’t know what to do then, and I’m sorry.” Sirius nodded and turned away from Remus, breathing heavily. Remus picked his mug back up and took a few long gulps. They sat in heavy silence for quite a while, Remus nodding off with his head against the back of the armchair. Suddenly, Sirius spoke in a voice so low, it was almost a growl.
“You should’ve known, Remus. You, out of everyone, should’ve known.” Remus paused. Sirius had always been irrational at times, but he wouldn’t even try to understand what had happened all those years ago? Remus knew he had a lot of emotions building up from years and years of having no one, but the emotional beating he was taking felt undeserved.
“Sirius, I-”
“No, Remus, it’s so ridiculous that you couldn’t see the truth in things...ridiculous that you left me there to rot. You...you just did nothing.” Part of him knew that Sirius had every right to be angry, but another part of him knew that he had no right to be angry with him. He fought between the feelings of guilt and anger, unfortunately feeling the effects of the full moon allowing anger to win.
“I did nothing?! I tried for years to get more information, to get you a trial, no one would listen to me or tell me anything about what was going on, Sirius! They took Harry away and wouldn’t tell me a thing, they left me alone, too.” Remus spat, through gritted teeth. Sirius must have forgotten over their long absence from each other that it was never a good idea to poke at Remus the day after the full moon. He would almost always go for blood.
“And what exactly do you mean I should’ve known?! How would I have?! I was gone away on ridiculous Order missions for months at a time, and when I could finally come back, you and James would barely speak to me! We could barely be in the same room as each other, Sirius, you didn’t trust me!”
“And how could I have?! Every time you left for a mission, Remus, someone would turn up dead. None of us trusted you.” Sirius spat back with an equally venomous tone. “You couldn’t find ways to make me innocent and I couldn’t find ways to do that for you either, but at least I tried!” Sirius spat, slamming his mug down on the side table and crossing his arms petulantly.
“Oh, that’s rich, isn’t it? Do you even hear yourself?! I told you, I tried. I tried so hard but there was nothing I could fucking do.” Remus said with a sarcastic chuckle, setting his mug down, too.
“But of course, let’s blame the big bad werewolf, not the fucking pureblood, just recently escaped from the “most noble and ancient” family with links directly to Voldemort! No, they wouldn’t dare blame you and make you the spy, would they?! Not with James and Peter sticking up for you at every turn. The three of you...not a single one of you ever stuck up for me! All the shit that was said about me in those meetings...it’s surprising I can even look at you now, even knowing the truth.” Sirius rolled his eyes and turned to completely face Remus, blazing eyes heating Remus’ cheeks.
“Oh, please. You have no fucking idea what went on in those meetings.”
“You think so?! You think Mary didn’t fill me in, Sirius?! Mary was the only one who listened to me, who knew the truth, and trusted me.” Sirius’ eyes widened and Remus knew he had the upper hand. “You said you didn’t feel safe in our flat, our home, because you couldn’t be sure that you weren’t next. I was living in caves and sleeping in dirt with strangers, and you were telling everyone I couldn’t be trusted when everything I did, everything, was because I lov-” Remus stopped himself and cleared his throat. Sirius visibly deflated and tucked his feet underneath himself. They sat again in silence, Remus rubbing his hands together and staring down at the floor and Sirius picking at his nails.
“Well. Dinner is soon. I’m going to go, I’ll have the house elves send something up.” Remus stood and winced. The heated argument had almost made Remus forget the pain ricocheting from bone to bone.
“Are you alright?” Sirius whispered.
“I’m fine. I’ll see you after dinner.” Remus hobbled stubbornly to and out of the door, keeping his face purposefully blank as he made his way to the Great Hall.
Remus ate his dinner in stormy silence, barely acknowledging the stares from the other professors or the sea of students in front of him.
He felt ill, picking at his food and replaying his tense conversation with Sirius.
They shouldn’t have fought. He should’ve shut everything down, he knew that.
Remus tried to rationalize with himself, however, that years of pent up feelings had to come out somehow, but he had just hoped he’d have a little more time to relish in being able to see Sirius again, to hear him and speak to him before they fell into their usual routine of pushing buttons and bickering.
He felt persecuted, on trial for crimes he had never dared commit. He had spent days after that fateful Halloween at the Ministry of Magic, pacing the floor outside of Dumbledore’s office, Barty Crouch Sr. 's, anyone that he could think of to give him some kind of answer.
Hadn’t he tried? He’d made a fool of himself, begging Dumbledore to consider speaking with the Ministry and push for a trial, begging him to tell him that none of it could be true.
Sirius wasn’t the only one with gaps.
He’d lost years, too.
As dinner began to wrap up, he dreaded going back to his rooms and trying to recover from the full moon with Sirius’ presence looming.
He snuck away from the rest of the Hogwarts staff to drop into the kitchens. The little creatures were one of his favorite parts about being back at Hogwarts and he visited them as often as he could. The house elves always crowded and coddled him after a full moon and he enjoyed their lighthearted and kind nature. When he entered, they swarmed him, asking if he needed this or that and Remus mustered a smile. “I would love some hot chocolate, if you have any.” He paused, remembering Sirius sitting alone and hungry upstairs. “And...I have a friend in my rooms...could one of you bring something up to him, as well? I believe he’s quite hungry.” A smaller house elf Remus didn’t quite recognize pipped excitedly and began piling sandwiches and sweets onto a tray.
Sometime later, after a few pleasant conversations, a calm and quiet house elf called Cilley brought over a steaming mug of hot chocolate and pushed him in front of the hearth, wrapping him in a soft knitted blanket. Cilley patted his shoulder and smiled warmly, her large round eyes sparkling. “Must rest now, Remus Lupin, Cilley said so.” Remus chuckled and smiled graciously as he pulled the blanket tighter around himself.
Remus sat by the fireplace thinking for a long while, until the last of the house elves had begun to tuck into bed. He’d finally made his mind up. He knew what he needed to do.
He stood and folded the blanket, setting it in the small basket Cilley had pulled it from before exiting the kitchens.
He walked shakily through the stone and staircases that had always felt so familiar as if he was walking the path to his rooms for the first time.
He would apologize, he told himself. As soon as the door opened and Sirius locked eyes with him, he would tell him how sorry he was. He would even beg for forgiveness if Sirius needed him to. He needed them to move past this, they’d lost enough time already.
He pushed the door open and locked eyes with Sirius, who was pacing up and down the small entryway.
“Remus! I thought you weren’t going to come back.” Sirius stepped forward, hand out as if he was going to grab Remus and pull him in.
“Of course I came back,” Remus said. “These are my rooms…” He let a small smile slip onto his lips and Sirius mirrored him.
“I just- I shouldn’t have said all of that. I know that.” Sirius sighed and stepped back, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Everything is just so...overwhelming...now.”
Remus nodded and slowly sat down next to him.
“I can’t imagine...and I’m sorry. For the argument, for everything.” Sirius looked over at Remus and their eyes locked.
“I’m sorry, too. It’s not your fault - none of it.” Remus shrugged.
“Some of it could be.” Sirius shook his head, eyebrows furrowed.
“All of it was out of your control, I know that. It’s just- being back here, at Hogwarts, and seeing you and seeing Harry-” Sirius’ voice broke and Remus didn’t resist the urge to wrap an arm around his shoulder. Sirius tucked himself into Remus’ body, breathing deeply to keep the tears from falling, and continued. “It brings so much back. It reminds me of all the time I lost and wasted. Years, Remus, years we can never get back...taken so carelessly by someone we thought was our friend...” Sirius stuttered out a loud breath. “And Harry, he looks so much like James, but James isn’t here and Lily isn’t here and it’s all my fault.” Remus went to interrupt him, to tell him that it couldn’t possibly be his fault, but Sirius kept going. “I should’ve never told James and Lily to make Peter their secret keeper, the rat. He was always whispering in our ears, trying to make situations worse, to pit us against each other.” Remus ran his hand soothingly against Sirius’ shoulder.
“I thought they stood a better chance of staying safe if everyone only thought I was the one keeping their secrets. It was so obvious, me being the secret keeper, wasn’t it? No one would think of Peter, always keeping out of things...I should’ve-” He paused and heaved a breath so harshly that Remus was sure it’d taken a great deal of his energy. “I should’ve told you, I should’ve trusted you and known you were the only one who could truly keep them safe. I’m so sorry, Remus. Everyone is gone, everyone but us, and it’s my fault. I should have died in that cell!”
Remus pulled Sirius into his chest and pressed his cheek into his hair.
“Shh, it’s alright now. I’m here and you’re here now, with me.” Sirius clung to Remus’s shirt.
“Sirius,” Remus said softly into the other man’s hair. “It’s going to keep hurting for a while, but you can’t change what happened. You couldn’t have known. We were all so young.” Remus kept his tears to himself and continued.
“There’s no one truly at fault but Peter, we both know that now. Harry knows. Somewhere, somehow, James and Lily know, too. We can get through this.”
Although the circumstances were rotten, the familiarity of the scene he was in comforted Remus in a way he hadn’t been in ages.
Remus held Sirius that way for quite some time, letting Sirius cry into his chest until the fabric of his shirt was sopping wet and his back was stiff.
Sirius leaned out of the embrace and scrubbed his hands against his face, pushing the tears off of his pale skin. Remus stretched his arms into the air, needing to stand but refusing to leave Sirius’s side.
“Merlin, this was not how I expected this night to go. I mostly just wanted to catch up and look at us. A pair of blubbering kids again.”
Sirius’s watery smile warmed a spot in Remus’s chest that he had forgotten existed.
“We can’t do things on a schedule or script, anyway. We never have.” Remus hesitated for a single second before gently placing a hand on Sirius’s cheek. Sirius leaned into his touch, closing his eyes and sighing.
“Can we just pretend we’re 16 again? In our dorm, while James chases Lily around and we can pretend we locked the rat out.” They both chuckled.
“If I can’t have the rest...I want us back to normal, more than anything, Remus. I missed you so much.” Remus traced his thumb across Sirius’s skin and watched him process his thoughts behind the cloudiness in his eyes. There was so much work to be done, to make him feel whole again. Remus only hoped he would be enough to help him do so and somehow build himself back up in the process, too.
“I missed you, too; you must know that.” Remus whispered sincerely.
“I drove myself crazy in Azkaban, which doesn’t sound surprising, I know, but I spent so much time just thinking about you and all the things I’d say. It seems now that I can’t say any of them.” Sirius stifled a yawn.
“That’s ok. We’ve got time, haven’t we?” Remus smiled softly, standing and walking over to grab his pajamas, bringing over an extra set to give to Sirius.
“Why don’t we rest? We can talk more in the morning.” Sirius frowned and shook his head.
“Well, Moony-” Both eyes snapped at the nickname, long since abandoned but never forgotten. Remus’s smile broke through almost immediately and he nodded, urging Sirius to continue. Sirius smiled sheepishly.
“Dumbledore told me that I’ll have to leave tomorrow. It’s a miracle he hid me as well as he did when the ministry turned this place upside down, but he said it’s not safe for me here. He’s afraid they’ll find me.”
“No,” Remus said plainly. “You’re staying with me. I won’t be away from you any longer.”
“Moony, it’s not worth it! It’ll only cause trouble.” Remus tutted and disappeared into the small bathroom to change, leaving the door cracked. The Sirius he knew from a lifetime ago would have agreed, and probably would’ve pushed to stay before Remus ever even got involved. He hoped he could unravel some of the barbed wire around Sirius’s old mischievous and vibrant personality and let them free again.
“I don’t care, Padfoot,” He hoped Sirius smiled at the use of his nickname, too. “You’ve been away from me, from everyone, for 12 years, I won’t lose you again. We’ve too much to figure out before we can be apart and that’s just the end of it.” If Sirius himself wanted to leave, then so be it, but Remus needed him beside him as long as he could have him there and he refused to allow Dumbledore to continue calling the shots.
Remus finished changing and reentered the room. Sirius lay on the bed, curled in on himself, frail body swallowed by Remus’s pajamas, and tracing patterns on the pillowcase beneath his head.
“I’ll speak to Dumbledore before breakfast in the morning. You must be exhausted, get some rest.” Remus said, pulling the small blanket off of the armchair and sitting down before wrapping it around himself.
“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, staring over at Remus curiously.
“Oh. Um. I just figured since you’re probably more tired than I am, I’d give you the bed.” Sirius chuckled.
“It’s your bed, Moony. C’mon. I know your back is horrendous after moons - or at least, it used to be. Can’t imagine that’s changed.” Remus contemplated. Sirius was right, his back was aching, and lying down would probably help a lot, but he didn’t want to intrude on Sirius getting quality sleep.
“If it makes it easier for you to stop being so noble,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. Remus didn’t realize how much he had missed that.
“I find I sleep better as Padfoot, anyway.” All at once, Sirius transformed into the large black dog from Remus’s memories and laid down across the end of the bed, looking at Remus as expectantly as a canine can. Remus huffed out a laugh and crawled into the bed, keeping his knees tucked up so as not to kick Padfoot.
“Fine, but don’t get used to it,” Padfoot whined and Remus chuckled, settling into the blankets. “Goodnight, Sirius.”
In the morning, Remus woke to find Sirius already awake, tucked beneath a blanket and reading in the armchair.
“Morning.” Remus grumbled sleepily, pulling himself into a sitting position and stretching.
“Morning, Moony.” Sirius said, quietly. The familiar sights and sounds of the mornings they used to share together made him feel warm and comfortable, eager to continue feeling this way for as long as he could.
“What time is it?” Sirius glanced over Remus’s head at the clock on the wall. “Half six.” Remus nodded and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
“I’d better get ready. We need to go and speak with Dumbledore before breakfast.” Sirius closed his book and nodded stiffly.
“Are you alright?” Remus asked, as he stepped closer to the other man. Sirius was picking at his nails and shaking so slightly, anyone else might have missed it. Remus kneeled in front of him and grabbed his trembling hands, giving him a meaningfully quizzical look.
“What if he sends me back?” Sirius whispered.
“Oh, Pads,” Remus leaned forward on his knees to pull Sirius into a hug. “He can’t. Five of us saw Pettigrew and at least four of us will testify to that, surely. He can’t send you back, I won’t let him.” Sirius pulled back to look Remus in the eyes, his own full of child-like fear - a sight Remus had only ever seen when the Black family was discussed in their fifth year.
“Remus...I’m afraid.” Remus nodded and slid a hand onto Sirius’s neck. He remembered how hard it had always been for Sirius to admit to being afraid and desperately wanted to comfort him.
“I know, but you’re safe. Safe with me, now.” Sirius closed his eyes and breathed deeply.
“I trust you.” Remus watched as Sirius slowly blinked his eyes back open, and stared deeply into them, entranced. Those eyes… He thought, keeping his gaze firmly in place as his heart fluttered. How he had longed to see the icy blue and silver of them, to drown in their oceanic color and pull.
His mind went blank. The only things he could register were Sirius’s desperate look, the ache dissipating in his chest, and the want he had buried so deep inside himself he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel it again climbing up from the pit of his stomach and spreading across his entire body like sunlight flooding a room.
“Sirius,” He said breathlessly. “Can I kiss you? Please?” Sirius nodded fervently.
“Please.” Sirius breathed, just as breathlessly, sliding his hands forward and onto Remus’s shoulders.
Remus leaned up and caught Sirius’s lips in between his own. He couldn’t remember their last kiss from all those years ago, but he knew nothing had ever felt as perfect and as right as kissing him did now. Sirius gripped onto Remus’s shoulders, electrifying his nerve endings. He didn’t want to drag it out, to make it more - not yet. He pulled back slowly, and leaned his forehead against Sirius’s gently.
“Never thought I’d get to do that again.” Sirius said, Remus relishing in the hint of a smile in his voice. He felt like a teenager again.
“Me either.” Remus said, leaning back onto his heels to look at Sirius properly.
He had brushed his hair and changed into another one of Remus’s outfits, and he looked rested, well-fed, and radiant. Remus could get used to this, again, if he could ever be lucky enough to have Sirius to himself twice.
“Best get ready. Can’t make out like teenagers if Dumbledore kicks me out.” Sirius smirked and leaned back into the armchair. Remus scoffed.
“Too soon for that, yet. At least you never lost that mouth.” He stood with some effort as Sirius laughed softly.
“No, never. Got myself in plenty of trouble that way.” Remus snorted as he grabbed his clothes and walked into the tiny bathroom.
“I would never have expected any more or less from you, Sirius Black.”
Just past seven, Remus walked alongside Padfoot in the empty hallways, making their way to Dumbledore’s office before the school awoke.
Once on the hidden staircase to the Headmaster’s office, Sirius shifted back to himself, and smiled at Remus, squeezing his hand. Remus took in the sight of Sirius in his own too-big sweater and trousers and smiled back.
They entered the office together, keeping their expressions neutral and sat down in front of Dumbledore.
“Hello, Professor Lupin, Sirius. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Dumbledore waved a hand and teacups and a kettle appeared on a tray in front of them. Sirius leaned forward to fix himself some, while Remus kept his eyes firmly on Dumbledore.
“He’s not leaving, Albus.” Sirius froze momentarily, pouring milk into his cup and eyeing Remus.
“I’m afraid that-”
“And I’m afraid that you are one of the key components in the tragedy that is Sirius Black having 12 years of his life stolen due to an unjust sentencing for the murder of his best friend and the real traitor, Peter Pettigrew, running free," He spat, angrily. "So forgive me, sir, if I feel you should have no say in matters such as this.” Remus was shocked at his behavior. He hadn’t spoken to anyone that way since the first war, and only when he felt an extremely strong sense of duty. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and leaned forward on his elbows.
“Remus. I understand that the reunion of yourself and Mr. Black may feel short lived, however, it is of the utmost importance to keep everyone at Hogwarts safe - because of this it is not safe for Sirius to be here now.” Remus rolled his eyes and Sirius straightened his back.
“No one even knows I’m here. You said it yourself, Harry and Hermione think that I left on Buckbeak. I could be somewhere in a cave for all they know.” Dumbledore sighed and dropped his head into his hands.
“There are barely two weeks left of the school year and you did say that I could stay on. He can stay in my rooms, no one will know he’s here. He can leave with me at the end of the year. Please, professor, he...he has nowhere to go.” Sirius raised an eyebrow and Remus almost swore he heard him think ‘Presumptuous?’
“Is this true, Sirius?” Dumbledore asked, meeting Sirius’s eyes.
“Yes, sir. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to assume ownership over my parent’s estate given my current - er - situation, so...I really don’t have anywhere to go.”
Dumbledore sighed.
“I will allow you to stay here until the end of term, but even if Professor Lupin keeps his post for next year, it is unlikely that you would be able to join him.” Sirius nodded around a sip of tea and spoke evenly. “Of course, sir,” Remus almost laughed. Even after years of living in a prison cell, Sirius could still turn on his pureblood, near royal, politeness within seconds. It was as impressive and terrifying as it always had been.
“I would hope that by then I would have a grasp on the Black family inheritance.” Sirius said with a wink at Remus, who remained stoic except for a small glance Sirius’s way.
“It’s settled then. I will see you at breakfast, Lupin. Sirius, please do well to keep yourself scarce.” Remus and Sirius shared a look and stood to leave, Sirius shaking Dumbledore’s hand and Remus giving him a firm nod.
Once on the staircase, Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand and smiled at him. Sirius squeezed his hand back and chuckled.
“Well done, Professor Lupin.” Sirius laughed brightly, and Remus wished he could record the sound to keep in case he ever lost the other man again. “Gods, knew that nickname would stick.” Remus grinned bashfully and watched as the twisting staircase moved them lower to the main floor.
“I suppose it did.” Remus said as the staircase came to a halt and Sirius shifted quickly into Padfoot.
Remus walked with Padfoot back to his rooms, dropping him off before making the walk back to the Great Hall. Opening the door, he found Cilley setting out a tray of breakfast and he waved at her and smiled warmly before waving goodbye to Sirius as well. He had to admit, he had a bit of pep in his step when he reached the Great Hall. He smiled at his colleagues, almost pleased with their confused faces. He tucked into his breakfast - toast and eggs and sausages and coffee with cream - trying to keep the smile off of his face. He chatted happily with Professor Flitwick, who was all too delighted by his cheerful mood, about next year’s curriculum until the owls began to bring in the morning's mail. He saw letters falling to their respective recipients and found himself to be receiving quite the pile, as well. The blood drained from his face as he realized that every single letter he had received was contained within a deep red envelope. “Oh my. Howler’s, the lot of them.” Professor Flitwick said uneasily from beside him, looking up nervously as the first one flew open.
“PROFESSOR LUPIN, I DEMAND YOU RESIGN FROM YOUR POST AS PROFESSOR OF DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS AT ONCE! I NEVER WOULD HAVE SENT MY LUCY TO COMPLETE THIS YEAR AT HOGWARTS HAD I KNOWN THAT A DESPICABLE CREATURE SUCH AS YOURSELF WOULD BE AMONGST THOSE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER! SHAME ON YOU AND SHAME ON ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! I HOPE TO SEE YOUR RESIGNATION IMMEDIATELY IN THE DAILY PROPHET!”
The Great Hall had stilled and gone completely silent, Remus staring down at the animated parchment as it burst into flames and two more opened themselves beside it. He felt the eyes of the entire Hall on him, could make out the whispers of his colleagues and students, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed or angry. He felt as if he deserved this. He couldn’t imagine being someone’s father and finding out that a horrific beast was in a position of authority in a place that was supposed to be kept completely safe from those things. Maybe keeping his condition a secret was the wrong way to go about it. He wasn’t sure the right way to go about it would have had him teaching at Hogwarts at all.
He became unphased by the words pouring out of the red envelopes, letting them scream at him words he had heard a million times over in some context or another, and he finished his coffee to the sounds of parents screaming, insisting he had endangered their children. He picked up his napkin and wiped his mouth with it quickly, rising from the table and collecting the rest of the many Howler’s that hadn’t yet unleashed their harsh words. He crossed the Hall and made his way to his office and classroom, planning for his last days of teaching at Hogwarts.
He knew he could never come back after this. As he shuffled his things around for the day, gathering diagrams and things to remind students of for their upcoming exams, the Howler’s continued their howling. He barely listened to them. He felt he knew what they would all say and he knew they were right. He shouldn’t have been around children, what had he been thinking? What had Dumbledore been thinking? His thoughts were interrupted by the first class of the day piling through the doors.
“Good morning, everyone, let’s get started.” Remus said, with a small smile, trying to keep a sliver of normalcy.
The day dragged on, some students choosing to completely ignore the Howler’s from breakfast, and others marching in and demanding to know what the Howler’s had meant. Lunch came and went. He ate alone in his office, grading final essays and packing away nonessentials. When the evening came around, Remus took a walk around the grounds. He needed to clear his head for a bit before dinner and before seeing Sirius.
At dinner, he sat resignedly and did not speak to any of the other professors. He knew it was possibly unfair to those that he called friends to be so obviously withdrawn, but he truly had nothing to say.
Suddenly, three owls flew into the Great Hall.
“How unusual!” Flitwick said animatedly from beside him.
The owls flew directly to him, as Remus had feared they would, dropping three identical deep red envelopes onto the table in front of him.
“Oh, dear.” He heard Professor McGonagall say dreadfully from across the table.
The first Howler lifted up to be directly in front of Remus’ face and the entire Hall once again went completely silent.
The envelope unfurled and Remus braced himself.
“PROFESSOR LUPIN IS THE BEST TEACHER HOGWARTS HAS EVER HAD! HE IS VERY NICE AND GAVE ME CHOCOLATE WHEN I HAD A HEADACHE ONCE!”
The Howler cried, before bursting into flames, the ashes falling to the table gracefully.
Remus was stunned. He glanced around and saw few confused faces amongst most of the ones agreeing with the Howler. The next one lifted and opened.
“DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS WAS MY FAVORITE CLASS THIS YEAR BECAUSE PROFESSOR LUPIN IS SO COOL AND VERY HOT SO IT MAKES ME WANT TO PASS!”
The Howler fell from its place and Remus’s entire face turned red. He felt more embarrassed by these Howler’s than the ones telling him he was the worst thing to happen to Hogwarts since Dumbledore.
Some students giggled, others wolf-whistled, and far down the table from himself, Severus Snape looked like he was simply astonished that any students had come to his aid. Remus bit back a mocking grin.
The last Howler raised a touch slower than the others and unfurled completely before shouting.
“WE LOVE YOU, PROFESSOR LUPIN! YOU’RE THE BEST! THANKS FOR TEACHING US SO MANY COOL THINGS - AND FOR THE CHOCOLATES! MISCHIEF MANAGED!”
This Howler was followed by tiny fireworks exploding around the envelope as it disintegrated. Remus smiled. That had to be Weasley work. He raised his glass off of the table and nodded towards the red-haired twins who beamed back.
He took a sip of his water and continued to finish his dinner, a small smile on his lips the entire time.
As he tucked himself into bed that night after sitting with Sirius and discussing modern muggle technology, “Remus, what the hell is a CD?!”, and purposefully leaving out the horrible Howler incident, Remus felt like things may be okay for the first time in a long time.
“Hey, Padfoot?” The black dog raised its head and thumped its tail against the mattress joivally.
“You could come up here, you know. If you want.” Remus lifted the other side of the covers and shrugged. Padfoot stood and shook, jumping off of the bed before shifting back into Sirius, beautiful Sirius.
“Thank you, Moony.” They fell asleep together, keeping a comfortable distance - yet, sometime in the night Sirius’s head ended up in the crook of Remus’s neck and that was okay.
The rest of the week went about the same, if you could count Howler’s following Remus around nearly every second of the day as ‘the same’. Remus would have breakfast surrounded by Howler’s - some praising him and others berating him. It was a very interesting dynamic. He would teach, talk to his colleagues, watch Snape look absolutely betrayed by his own efforts, all with Howler’s screeching compliments and praises in the background, and then make his way back to his rooms to spend his favorite part of the day with his favorite person at Hogwarts.
He and Sirius would talk about anything and everything, sometimes late into the night. Sirius was as smart, witty, and comical as Remus had always remembered him. He could admit that for a long period of time, he couldn’t remember those parts of the man he once loved, only the atrocities that had been placed on his reputation and stained on his memories. He held onto the moments he had thrown away so easily back then, bottling Sirius’s laugh and etching the exact curve of his jaw when he laughed into his mind. He wouldn’t dare forget again.
On the weekend, he stayed in his rooms with Sirius for the entire two days. They played chess (wizard and muggle) and listened to music on a cassette player he had gotten from the Weasley twins. It was the least they could do - after stealing his map and all. Remus had to break the unfortunate news of Freddie Mercury’s death to Sirius, and they sat in silence for a while after that, just flipping through books.
Sirius was settling into life outside of Azkaban as much as he could, but Remus felt guilty at times that Sirius had traded one box for another since he couldn’t leave their four walls for any reason. Sirius just laughed at those concerns when brought to his attention one afternoon.
“This is living in a palace compared to what I was doing, Moony. Don’t worry. I’m wonderful right here.”
That would have to be enough for them both, for now.
Sunday night, after a particularly eventful dinner where Remus had received a Howler nearly every five minutes once he stepped into the Great Hall, he walked quickly back to his rooms. Cilley followed behind with a basket of red envelopes, shushing them when they tried to jump out. “Thank you for carrying those up, Cilley, you really didn’t have to.” Cilley hit the basket again as another envelope started to rise and it quickly fluttered back down with the rest. Remus would never stop being amazed at the power house elves wielded.
“Master Dumbledore says these must go with Remus Lupin, and Cilley likes Remus Lupin. Cilley is happy to help!” Remus chuckled and bent down to be level with her as they came around the corner to his door. He took the basket from her gently.
“Well, thank you, Cilley. I like you, too. I’ll see you soon.” Cilley beamed and then snapped her fingers, disappearing to the kitchens, Remus assumed.
He had no idea how he was going to explain all of the letters to Sirius, but he knew there was no way out of it once he walked into the room.
He walked in slowly, holding the basket behind his back.
“Hi, Pads.” Sirius looked up from where he was fiddling with the cassette player and smiled.
“Hello, Remus. How was dinner?” He furrowed his eyebrows and rose from his chair. “What are you hiding?” Remus stepped against the wall and felt his face heat up.
“Nothing.” Sirius folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow. Remus was always terrible at keeping things from him.
“Nothing?” Sirius said, peering around Remus’s arms where the basket was definitely not hidden very well.
Before Remus could even begin to answer, an envelope unfurled behind his head and began screeching loudly.
“HALF-BREED, NO GOOD, DISGUSTING CREATURE! YOU EVEN DARE TO CALL YOURSELF A MAN, OR A WIZARD, MUCH LESS A PROFESSOR AT HOGWARTS! YOU HAVE TAINTED AN AGE-OLD INSTITUTION! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF!”
That Howler fell to the floor and another opened.
“PROFESSOR LUPIN LEANT ME A BOOK ONCE AND I FORGOT TO GIVE IT BACK ON TIME BUT HE WASN’T EVEN MAD AT ME! HE IS A REALLY GOOD TEACHER!”
Another followed that one, and the two men both stood in silence, Sirius completely shocked and confused and Remus somewhat amused.
“PROFESSOR LUPIN HAS THE BEST HAIR OUT OF ALL THE PROFESSORS AT HOGWARTS! SORRY PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL!”
The Howler’s kept going, but Remus crossed the room to sit in the armchair next to the hearth, trying to ignore them.
“I should probably explain that a bit.” Remus said sheepishly, picking at a loose string on his cardigan.
Sirius put his hands on his hips and nodded. “You think?!”
Remus laughed and settled himself in his chair.
“Well, Snape...after the moon, he sent letters to some parents - mostly Slytherin parents, I would assume - and it certainly did not go over too well.” Sirius’s face shifted from playful confusion to pure anger and rage, and Remus raised a hand.
“Now, it’s quite alright. Dumbledore has been corresponding with those who are extremely outraged, but the Howler’s...well, he can’t really stop them, can he?” Sirius scoffed.
“I’m sure he could, the bigger question is does he want to.” Sirius threw himself onto the bed, just as another Howler screamed something about Remus needing to be put down, which was a bit funny to him. They usually didn’t say anything as creative as that.
“Well, the students actually started sending them, too. That’s why there are so many, for every horrible one, there’s 5 of them complimenting me. It’s nice, in a way.”
“YOU’RE MY FAVORITE TEACHER OF ALL TIME! LOVE, THE FUTURE MRS LUPIN!”
Remus laughed out loud at that, and Sirius barely grumbled.
“I’m glad the students did that for you.” Sirius smiled over at him with a funny look on his face, one Remus could recognize but not place.
“What’s that look?” Sirius turned over and shrugged.
“Not sure what you mean.” Remus shrugged, too, not wanting to push it. They were still teetering on a fine line most nights.
Just then, the final Howler in the basket raised up and expanded, echoing across the room:
“YOU HAVE A VERY NICE ARSE PROFESSOR LUPIN, AND YOU’RE EXTREMELY SEXY! 10 OUT OF 10, WOULD BANG!”
Remus’s jaw hung open and he watched Sirius sit up abruptly on the bed.
“You know, it may be too soon for jokes - although I’m not really joking - but I may be a wrongfully convicted murderer but I can become a rightfully convicted one.”
Oh...Sirius is jealous. Remus thought, pleased.
Remus stuttered around a laugh “Sirius, are you- they’re children.”
“Like I care! They’re children that are hitting on my- my...friend.” Sirius’s eyes widened and Remus blushed. They hadn’t discussed that yet.
“I think it’s alright if children are anonymously hitting on your friend, Pads.” Remus smirked and Sirius rolled his eyes.
“You know what I meant.”
“Oh, do I?” Remus said, his smile widening.
Sirius began staring at his hands, tracing the outline of his fingers and avoiding eye contact.
Remus stood and went to him, sitting next to him gently and taking his hand.
“Hey, it’s alright, was only joking.” Sirius looked at him and sighed.
“Sometimes I forget.” Remus looked at him, confusion bleeding onto his features.
“Forget what?”
“That we aren’t young anymore. That we aren’t...us...anymore. We’re just two different people from who we used to be...and from each other. I can’t tell when you’re joking, sometimes...things get all scrambled. I lost you. We lost each other.”
Remus deflated. He hated that even in their new, happy moments, there was and probably always would be a tinge of sadness and time lost.
“I mean, look at us. You’re the sexy professor and I’m just the man living in your shoebox of your room. We couldn’t have imagined this, not in our wildest dreams.” Remus rubbed over a freckle on Sirius’s hand with his thumb, looking for the words to say.
“I know. It would...it would be easier, better, trying to figure all of this out if we were young again...with more time; but Sirius, when we were young we couldn’t figure it out, before any of the awful stuff, and we almost lost each other then because of that, too. We’re in a very unique position, where we do get a second chance. We aren’t young anymore and...it’s just us but,” Remus scooted closer to Sirius and looked deeply into his eyes.
“We’ll make up the time. It doesn’t heal the past but I’ll work everyday to give you back the years you lost.”
Sirius sighed, tears forming in his eyes, making the silver-blue of them sparkle against the dim light in the room.
“You lost years, too, Remus.” Remus nodded and looked down. “I want you to get them back, too.”
“I will. I will, Pads. You’re here now, with me, and we will get it back, all of it. We’ll have a beautiful life,” He paused and squeezed Sirius’s hand. “Together...if you want.”
Sirius flung his arms around Remus’s neck and they tumbled down into the pillows.
“Of course I want that. You’ll have to forgive me, though, I’m a bit of a mess. Are you sure you want to...while I’m still...this version of me? Not the same person I was then...I’m...broken...tired.”
Remus swept a piece of hair out of Sirius’s face and nodded.
“I’m tired and broken, too. It’s alright. We can be tired and broken, together.”
“Did you mean it?” Sirius said so quietly that Remus almost missed it.
“Hmm?”
“When we were arguing, you-" Sirius paused, taking in a shaky breath. "You said everything you did was because you loved me. Did you mean that?”
“Of course I did. I do mean it.”
“Okay.” Sirius shuddered. “Okay. I do, too.” Remus pulled the other man closer.
They lay side by side for the rest of the night, talking in hushed voices. It was comforting for both of them to be near each other, reflecting on all of their emotions and memories.
“It won’t be easy.” Sirius breathed, his hand curling slightly tighter around Remus’s bicep.
“It never was,” Remus smiled. “Still wanted it, didn’t I? Then and now.”
“We fight. I have nightmares, I’m lost, and I’m a fugitive. There are a million reasons you’re better off without me, Remus.”
Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius’s head and breathed him in.
“Alright. I turn into a monster every month and I never remember where I put things and I can't for the life of me keep a job. There are a million more reasons that say I’m better off with you. I want all the time with you and all of our broken parts, Sirius. I want every moment we can possibly give each other.” Sirius nuzzled into Remus’s cardigan and Remus shut his eyes, feeling content and warm.
“We’ll do that, then.” Listening to each other’s breathing, they drifted to sleep, crowded in each other’s space and warmth. They both slept more peacefully than they had in years, with all the cracks in their relationship filled and the wrinkles in the story smoothed.
They had time.
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Only two years later, Remus walked into Grimmauld Place. Alone.
He hadn’t gotten the time back, not at all. He had only gotten a taste of what their life could’ve been together when the second war kicked off, and Sirius, needing to cling to Harry in his efforts to hold onto James, had been at the forefront of the fight.
He wished he could go back, something he hadn’t wished for in those two wonderful years, and beg Sirius to take a step back.
He had watched, helpless, as Sirius fell through the veil and vanished. There was nothing he could do except keep Harry from running after him and keep his composure. There wasn’t even a body for him to cling to, just the memories that would fade and grey with time.
In all his 36 years, he had only gotten to have Sirius close for 13 of them.
He didn’t know who to blame now.
Himself? Dumbledore? Peter? Voldemort? There was no good answer in the midst of his pain.
He walked slowly through the rooms, reliving moments spent in them and gathering his things. He traced a finger around the edge of a greying mug of tea left on the kitchen table, perfectly positioned in front of Sirius’s chair.
He knew he couldn’t stay here, not now. The place felt haunted. He felt like a ghost.
He hadn’t cried, not yet, until he walked into their room and saw the record player skipping on Sirius’s favorite Led Zeppelin record. There was no use bumping the needle now, Sirius wouldn’t be back to call to him to do it, to dance around the house, and sing to him at the table. He wasn’t coming back.
He broke, falling onto the pile of the blankets they had climbed out of just that morning, smelling Sirius on the pillows and wishing he would’ve gone with him beyond the veil.
Two years. They had two years to build each other back up, to enjoy each other again. Remus was sure Sirius had done that for him. He hoped Sirius had felt the same way before...well, before he slipped away, one final time.
Over their time together, he had watched Sirius’s mischievous nature return, his effortlessly beautiful smile begin to reach his dazzling eyes, and his strength and voice come back to him.
He thought back, through the ragged breaths wracking his lungs, to Christmas.
They had felt like a family - himself, Sirius, and Harry. He knew Sirius looked at Harry and saw James...and perhaps, that Harry looked at Sirius and saw James, too. He stood in the background and watched them, enjoying every moment they all got to be together. Harry was so like his parents, which often sent Remus dreaming of a life where James and Lily joined them at the large kitchen table, too. Who would Harry look to now? They were the last ones left, and now it was only him. He was in no state to give Harry advice, or be his voice of reason or shoulder to cry on.
Hours later after the sky went black, he reluctantly got himself up from the sheets, piling the pillows into a suitcase, hoping they’d keep Sirius’s memory with them.
Looking back, they had given each other the best two years they could’ve given each other, and despite all the heartache of Sirius not being beside him any longer, that would have to be enough. It was all he had left, anyway.
He walked through the house one more time, grabbing the framed photo of himself and Sirius from Christmas off of the mantle, and teared up tracing the other man's laughing face.
He looked down with a watery smile at the Sirius in the frame and turned to exit the house he couldn’t call home anymore.
He lived everyday after in pain, pushing through it only to finish what Sirius had started, to honor his love and his bravery. He was the only one left to keep the promises Sirius had made to James, and to keep the promises he himself had made to Sirius. He fought everyday, whether there was a battle or not. He fought to get out of bed, to find meaning in every step he was taking, and to keep Sirius’s memory alive. It was harder than anything he had ever done. The Order kept him supplied with Wolfsbane, but he found himself missing the relief of a night without remembering every moment that had gone wrong in his short and chaotic life. Yet, he fought, and he pushed, and he did everything he was supposed to do. Sirius would’ve wanted him to.
Only two years after leaving Grimmauld Place for the last time, Remus found himself floating, being pulled and called to an unknown place, a space full of light. He had been fighting for so long, that in the final battle, his strength wavered just enough to cause him to falter. He turned for a moment, searching for the faces of his friends and the man he loved, but they were not there and hadn’t been for some time. His faith in the cause he fought for was shaking. His lapse in judgement caused him to block the spell a moment too late and he fell to the ground wordlessly.
As his consciousness slipped from him, he wondered if that was it. Was he meant to just die there, on the dirty floor of a terrace at Hogwarts? Was this all there was? No happy ending or reconciliation, only loneliness and pain?
In a split second, he had fallen to sleep and woken up, bathed in white light and so comfortably warm.
He blinked his eyes open and stared into sharp silver-blue eyes, smiling widely and finally letting himself rest.