There was a lot of noise in the Gryffindor common room on this particular night, people were laughing and screaming and a few of them weren’t even in their own houses but nobody really cared about it, because a Quidditch game had just finished, and James Potter’s team had won. It technically wasn’t really James Potter’s team as he wasn’t the captain, but due to his popularity and skills on a broom he might as well have been. Even people who didn’t really care about the sport were partying and those usually in charge of discipline were pretending not to see the few bottles of firewhisky traveling in the room.
The overall mood of the room was more than cheerful, but the few people who actually knew James Potter could tell that something wasn’t perfect for him, that despite how happy he was about winning a game against Hufflepuff there still was a little thing in the back of his mind that was preventing him from completely enjoying the moment, and the person who could tell that was Lily Evans who also knew why he was feeling like that. She looked through the window of the Gryffindor tower and could see the beautiful full moon in the sky, but she couldn’t feel in herself to love it as much as when she was a kid because she all she was thinking about war her best friend who was currently suffering in a dirty locked room.
Another person was missing from the celebration, but he didn’t really mind skipping it as he felt way more needed sitting against the door keeping Remus Lupin from the exterior world.
The sun had barely disappeared, so for now the boy was still able to talk and think almost normally, but he couldn’t risk doing anything, so he has asked his friend to lock him up and leave. He was asking him the same thing every time, to make sure he would stay inside and then leave him face his nightmare alone, but it has been a long time since Sirius had actually left him alone. Remus didn’t know if he liked this fact or not, having someone here with him was impossibly scary and he couldn’t stop thinking about how likely it was that the door or the walls wouldn’t be strong enough and he would hurt him, but at the same time the sound of Sirius’s voice was so appeasing he could almost believe he would be able to sleep through the transformation.
Remus could feel his animosity growing with each second, he tried to focus on Sirius speaking but he couldn’t concentrate enough to understand a full sentence, for now the tone and sweetness of his voice was enough but he knew it wouldn’t be for long. Trying to keep his mind calm and relaxed was making the shift less painful but tonight, it was different.
Each of his friends were taking turns going with him to the Shrieking Shack, it was now March of their fourth year and there probably wouldn’t have been any unexpected problem if lately only the presence of Sirius in the same room as himself wasn’t making Remus nervous, he couldn’t really tell when his feelings for his best friend had shifted from platonic to romantic but some part of him thought that maybe they always had been, he just hadn’t been able to understand them earlier.
His feelings for the black haired boy were making it really hard for Remus to relax his mind and he knew that the moons when Sirius was staying with him were more difficult because of his fear or hurting him, or maybe it just was his wolf part which was also able to tell in some ways that Sirius wasn’t like the others.
Sirius could tell that it was late enough because he could hear Remus moving frantically in the other room, he knew he could easily cast a Silencio but hearing what was happening made him feel closer to the other boy and maybe it was also a way to be sure that the wolf wasn’t hurting itself too much.
He remembered James and Peter talking about how it was too hard to stay next to the door during the transformation and Sirius couldn’t blame them for leaving, but in his mind leaving the boy on his own was just impossible. So he just stayed here, sitting against the door and telling the animal in the other room that it was going to be over soon, he wasn’t sure Remus could understand him but he hoped it did, just so he could know he wasn’t alone.
It had been hours since something else than a growl or a howl had left the locked room and the lack of sound was what informed Sirius that the beast was gone again. The young boy quickly unlocked the door, both magically and not, before stepping inside.
Every time Sirius had to find Remus after his shifting, he couldn’t help but worry that this time the wolf had been too violent or angry and that he would find his friend in a sleep he wouldn’t wake up from, and he noticed that with each full moon the knot in his throat was harder to ignore.
Once again Remus was asleep in the middle of the room, new claws mark on the walls and the floor were noticeable but it was harder to look at the blood stains which even reached the ceiling. He wasn’t wearing any clothes to prevent ruining them, but Sirius was quickly putting a red and golden blanket over him. Some part of him wanted to immediately heal his wounds but Remus had told him that he preferred waking up by himself after a transformation, so he didn’t move him and instead cast a spell to clean the blood from the room.
After almost twenty minutes of sleep Remus opened his eyes with difficulty. He almost wanted to close them again, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again with the state of his body. He couldn’t even count how many cuts he had all over his body, but he could see a form sitting against the wall in front of him. He made a sound that wanted to be a moan but sounded too much like a growl in his own ears and saw the shape move toward him.
“Hey Rem.” Sirius said in the sweetest voice he could create. “It’s over now.”
He was in too much pain to be able to say anything in return, but he did manage to move his head a little so he could meet his grey eyes. For a second Remus was so hypnotized by them that his pain went to the back of his mind but as soon as Sirius grabbed his wand to start healing the biggest wounds the magic of the moment was broken and the pain felt even worse.
Sirius was trying to heal as many wounds as he could, he knew he wouldn’t be able to fix them all, but he just couldn’t not do anything. Fortunately, not any bones seemed to be broken so Sirius was repeating the Bandaging spell as much as he could. A few minutes later most of Remus was covered in bandages and he was drinking a potion Madam Pomfrey had given Remus earlier in the day to cope with the pain.
The black-haired boy hadn’t really stopped to really take a look at his face, he told himself it was because he had to heal him as quickly as possible, but he knew it also was because seeing Remus bleeding in the middle of an empty room was a nightmare he had had too many times, and he didn’t need more real images of these scenes in his mind. But now he was looking at his tired eyes and scarred face and he desperately wanted to hold him as close as possible because everything about him was broken now, but he had made it through another night, and it was all that mattered to Sirius.
Remus couldn’t really bring himself to look at the other boy’s face again, mostly because he felt guilty about the worry he could see in his eyes. He knew he couldn’t really do anything about it but seeing Sirius like this wasn’t something he could bear for more than a second. He felt the potion working as his body was hurting less but he also started feeling lightheaded which was a side effect Remus didn’t really mind given in how much pain he was. He still felt Sirius helping him standing up and walking towards the couch that was in the other room, he turned around for a moment, allowing the scarred boy to put some clothes on.
Remus was now laying of the couch which was slightly too small for him, and Sirius was sitting on the floor next to his face fighting the urge to put his hand on the other boy’s freckled cheek. He moved his arm slightly and Sirius didn’t miss how he closed his eyes because of the pain, he hated feeling powerless like this.
“I’m okay.” Remus said, his voice was hoarse from the transformation.
Sirius didn’t even know what to respond, it was obvious that he wasn’t in any way even close to okay, so he simply closed his eyes and exhaled.
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Remus continued.
The black-haired boy wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, it was obvious that what was wrong here was Remus and what he had to go through every month.
“It’s just that it looks even more painful each time.” Sirius whispered, lowering his face
His hand was just in front of his face, so with a little pain he managed to take it. The contact made Sirius look at his face again, a mix of worry and surprise in his grey eyes. They both stayed like that for a moment before Sirius put his other hand on top of the two.
He could feel the bandages he had conjured and some scars in the bits of skin that weren’t covered, the feeling of his finger on the damaged skin made them both shiver. The touch should have felt way too intimate but none of them felt uncomfortable.
Remus could feel his eyes closing from the exhaustion and the potion, but he couldn’t forget Sirius sitting just in front of him.
“You should get some sleep.” He spoke.
“I’m not tired.” Sirius answered, just before yawning.
“C’mere.” Remus whispered.
He moved slowly to try and make some room for Sirius. The couch clearly wasn’t big enough for the both of them, but Remus didn’t mind because it gave him an excuse to pull Sirius nearer, who wasn’t really complaining about having the other boy so close to him either.
Remus fell asleep in an instant, his face lost in his black hair and his body warmed by Sirius’s presence. Some part of his mind wished they could fall asleep in this position all the time, but he was too exhausted to give more time to this idea.
Sirius didn’t know if he actually could fall asleep, he too was exhausted by the night but that much contact with Remus was making his skin tingle everywhere and he was so afraid he would move in his sleep and hurt the other boy. Instead, he just stayed here trying to calm his racing heart so that Remus wouldn’t feel it, after a few minutes he managed to close his eyes and he couldn’t think about not sleeping anymore.
There still was some hope in the world as the full moon had happened on a Friday night, meaning that Sirius and Remus didn’t have to wake up too early in the morning, but the uncomfortable couch, the sun through the window, and Remus’s pain slowly coming back as the potion’s effect was wearing out still made the both of them wake up earlier than they would have needed.
Remus woke up first and when he moved his arm a little Sirius woke up too, he quickly left the couch thinking he was hurting his friend. None of them wanted to talk, last night’s closeness had been easy due to the context but now it almost felt weird to touch the other boy.
Sirius still helped Remus up and walked with him to the infirmary, carrying the bag of clothes he had taken with him the day before. Madam Pomfrey was waiting for them, and she immediately went to Remus as soon as he was on a bed, she dismissed Sirius and it only worked because in years he had never been able to stay. Besides he was still extremely tired, and he hoped he would be able to get a few more hours of sleep in a proper bed.
When Sirius went through the painting, he could see the mess that was the common room, some Gryffindor were sleeping here, and he also spotted a few students from other houses curled up on a couch. The sight made him remember how he had slept next to Remus, and he could still remember how it had felt to be so close to him. Some part of his mind missed the contact, but he elected to ignore the feeling and instead walked up the stairs to his dorm.
He tried to open the door and fall on his bed as quietly as possible, but the door wasn’t really cooperative and it wasn’t long until he saw a form move on a bed, given its location Sirius could tell that it was Peter. Maybe because he was the only one here who hadn’t gone to bed too late or just because James was a very heavy sleeper.
“How’s Remus?” He asked.
They both knew that the question was absolutely dumb because he just couldn’t be fine after a full moon.
“He’ll manage, his at the infirmary.”
They also knew this information wasn’t necessary, but they always said it in the morning, just to reassure the others that he was alive.
“I’ll try to sleep a little now.” Sirius added before completely crashing on his bed, not even changing his clothes.
When Remus opened his eyes, it was difficult again but this time it was the bright light that made him want to close his eyes. He didn’t exactly know how long he had been sleeping but judging by the brightness of the room he guessed he had slept through the entire morning. He wasn’t hurting as much as before but he still didn’t dare moving too much. He knew his friends would come by during the afternoon, and not finding anything else to do, he simply went back to sleep.
The doors of the infirmary opened before James Sirius and Peter and they directly spotted Remus who was awake, a book between his hands. Sirius couldn’t help but think about how beautiful he looked, his face slightly showing his concentration and the sun making his hair look a little lighter than usual.
He looked up when he heard the door closing behind his friends, put his book down and tried his best to show a smile that wouldn’t transcribe in how much pain he still was.
“You look like you haven’t sleep.” Remus said, to make sure none of them would start by asking him how he was doing.
“Well, you look amazing too.” James answered.
He then proceeded to explain in many details (which Peter raised his eyebrows at) how much last night’s party had helped him getting closer to Lily Evans, he didn’t forget to mention how overall both Remus and Sirius hadn’t missed too much by not going but they both thought he was just trying to make Remus feel better.
Sirius was used to seeing the other boy in the bed, covered in bandages but he couldn’t shake the feeling that this full moon had been worst for Remus. He didn’t know if it was because he had been here to see and hear everything or if the number of wounds really had been higher this time but if one thing was certain, it was that something wasn’t right.
Remus could also tell that something wasn’t quite normal on his friend’s face, usually Sirius was the one making most of the talking and making sure everything was perfect, but this time he wasn’t speaking and could barely look at him.
After ten minutes Remus asked his friends to go so he could sleep a little, this excuse wasn’t entirely true because as soon as they started leaving, he called for Sirius and asked him to stay a little, which he did.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, searching for his grey eyes.
“Nothing.” Sirius answered, not really believing it himself.
“Come on, talk to me.” Remus said.
The black-haired boy knew he couldn’t lie, just as much as he knew he wouldn’t be able to not answer to these pleading eyes.
“I just feel like this moon was worse than the others, and I don’t know if it was because of me or…” He didn’t finish his sentence.
Remus desperately wanted to take the other boy’s hand, but it required too much movement, so he tried to communicate any form of reassurance through his eyes. When the look on Sirius’s face didn’t change, Remus sighed.
“Sirius…” He said, not really knowing how to explain.
Hearing his name from Remus’s mouth wasn’t rare, but he didn’t know if he had already heard it with this intonation. It did some things in his stomach, and he didn’t even think he hated it.
“It is different when you stay with me.” Remus started. “In some ways I can’t relax as much when you’re here because I’m afraid I could hurt you.” He thought he was speaking more quietly now.
“You should have told me that Re…” Sirius said, getting closer to the bed.
“But…” Remus started again, looking for how to explain.
He didn’t manage to finish his sentence as Madam Pomfrey arrived in the room and pressed Sirius out, claiming that Remus needed to get more sleep, the boy knew he could ask for a few more second to finish his sentences but he wasn’t sure how to put everything he had to say in only a few words.
When Sirius was outside, he realized he hadn’t even asked when Remus would be able to leave, but he didn’t feel like entering the room again. The only though in his mind was now how his presence last night had only made it harder for Remus, how his inability to leave his friend was hurting him more than anything. He didn’t know how he would ever be able to face him again. Instead of joining the rest of his friends outside, he went back to the common room, not wanting to see anybody for the rest of the day, maybe even more.
Sirius didn’t know if he had stayed in the dorm for minutes or hours, but he guessed it was the latter since he could hear James and Peter behind the door. He still didn’t feel like talking or worst, having to explain his state, but he didn’t really have the time to dig out James’s invisibility cloak from the mess that was their room either, so he simply stayed on his bed, staring at the ceiling he already knew by heart.
“You okay?” James asked.
“Don’t wanna talk about it.” Was all he managed to answer.
“Oh, we just wanted to let you know that they’re letting Remus leave the Infirmary.”
Sirius didn’t really want to know that, but he still left the room with his friends.
The four of them were eating in the Great Hall. The Gryffindor table was still buzzing from their victory but there was a tension between Sirius and Remus that nobody understood or managed to calm down, the group was unusually quiet and up until the end of diner the mood didn’t change. James didn’t miss how none of his friends had looked at each other since Remus had been dismissed.
When it was time for the student to go back to their Common Room, Sirius left in a hurry and when the three others tried to catch up, he had already disappeared, and even when they went back to the Gryffindor tower, he was nowhere to be found.
“What’s wrong with him?” Asked Peter.
Remus couldn’t help feeling guilty, he knew his confession probably had to be a part of the problem, but he wasn’t completely sure he could fix it. He was aware of what to say, that even if the transformation was more painful, he wanted him by his side, he wanted his voice trying to calm the beast down through the door and after last night he knew he needed his presence after the storm, his touch, his reassurance that the worst was behind and not just in a break until the next time.
The boy was desperate to say these words to Sirius, he wanted to scream them here and now, loud enough so that he would be able to hear them wherever he was. But he couldn’t keep the fear of rejection far enough to do it. He felt awfully selfish about it, but he couldn’t risk not having Sirius by his side anymore.
“We should split up, go looking for him.” James said.
Peter agreed and Remus couldn’t find any way to refuse, after all he was worried about Sirius. So, they left the Common Room and all of them went their separate way.
Remus had been walking around the castle for thirty minutes now, the night had fallen, and he couldn’t shake the dread away every time he was looking through the window. What if there was a problem this time and he turned again? What would happen if he transformed in the castle? Remus wanted to focus on how dangerous it could be, how he could be expelled or how he could hurt someone, kill them or turn them. But he only was able to think about how Sirius wouldn’t be here to help him when he would be himself again.
The boy was lost in his mind, still walking around when he realized he had reached the Astronomy Tower, he didn’t why his body had guided him here until he saw a form sitting on the floor in front of him.
Sirius’s hair was perfect, as always, but his position wasn’t, his back was hunched and a half-empty bottle of Firewhisky was between his slim fingers. Remus hoped the bottle hadn’t been full before he had taken it and the look of some students at the Gryffindor table earlier reassured him.
He approached his friend quietly, but not too much so he would still be able to leave if asked to. A pair of grey eyes found him, but the red around the irises made Remus rethink all of his initial plan.
He sat down next to him, took the bottle from his hand and put it away after taking a long sip, it burned his throat, and the smell wasn’t really nice but for some reason he had thought it would help him.
They stayed in silence for a minute, both of them could tell how easy it would be to move their hands a little and touch, but the privacy or last night felt like ages ago.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Sirius said, it was simple to hear in his voice that he had been crying.
“Tell you what?”
“That I was making it worst.” His voice almost broke at the end.
Sirius turned completely to face him, Remus knew he couldn’t lie, but it was becoming more than that, he just couldn’t deny anything anymore, because being rejected would hurt like hell but seeing Sirius like that was even more painful.
“Because it’s worth it.”
It wasn’t exactly what he had wanted to say, but it was hard to really think with Sirius next to him and a big sip of alcohol in his system, actually it was two sips as he had taken another one before talking in an attempt to calm his nerves.
“What do you mean?” Sirius asked, his face a little les miserable.
“I don’t care that the transformation hurts more, I can bear it and it’s not like it would be painless otherwise.” He said, looking at the floor, but not focusing on it.
“I can barely support the sound or seeing you after.” He whispered; Remus guessed it wasn’t really directed to anyone.
“Then why do you stay?” Remus asked.
Sirius didn’t answer, his leg started bouncing and his hands were fidgeting with a ring around his index finger. The other boy guessed that he hadn’t said the right thing.
“What I mean is that the slightly more painful shift is worth having you with me.” Remus was definitely underestimating the pain, but he wanted to make Sirius feel better. “It’s worth hearing your voice through the door when I’m losing my mind and it’s worth having you next to me after.” He had dropped his left hand on Sirius’s right one and his voice at the last words.
“Why?” The other boy asked.
“I don’t know.” He started, taking in his dark hair and his skin which looked even paler because of the moon. “It’s just that even if your voice makes me remember I could hurt you, it also makes me believe that this time it could go well and despite the pain and the madness I still recognize it when I’m not myself, I don’t understand it, but I can feel it.
Sirius slightly moved his hand, so they were now folded into one another, it made Remus stop talking for a second.
“And when I wake up and you’re still here, it’s enough to remind me that I’m not alone anymore.” Remus lowered his face, looking at their linked hands, holding Sirius like that felt so natural he wondered why they hadn’t done it earlier.
“I don’t care if the middle hurts, because the before and the after are just…” He caught himself before saying that the moments he shared with Sirius around his nightmare were the best of his life.
The boy looked up when he felt Sirius’s hand squeeze a little tighter, and something in the other boy’s eyes told him he had understood.
Staring only at his grey eyes and not at his thin lips was starting to become too difficult for Remus who decided to distract himself by taking another sip of Firewhisky. When he was done, Sirius’s hand was asking for the bottle and when he drank Remus couldn’t stop help but think about how his own lips had been where his were located right now.
Why was it so hard not to think about Sirius’s lips? He wondered if it was the alcohol finally really kicking in.
“But you know, if you don’t want to keep coming anym…”
Remus’s words were cut by a force pulling him forwards, and he didn’t have the time to realize it was Sirius’s hand until their foreheads were touching.
The smell of the Firewhisky was in his nose and he wondered if his lips would taste like it too.
Remus wasn’t able to think straight anymore, and he only realized his other hand had moved when he felt the other boy’s face under it. Not taking the risk of wasting all the effort he had made tonight, Remus pulled Sirius’s jaw closer to his face, slowly enough so that he could understand the intention and pull away if he wanted to. The scarred boy had never been happier of Sirius’s stillness, but as soon as their lips touched Sirius’s body went into the motion. First his mouth, hungrily kissing the other boy back, then his hands going up Remus’s arms, trying not to apply too much pressure anywhere.
Remus kissed like it was the end, like he was drowning, and Sirius was his last breath, desperately holding on to life. He had put both his hands on his neck and even his back was now following the motion of the kiss.
Sirius wonder if the tension was due to the moon still high in the sky, but he quickly dropped the subject, happy enough to be kissed senseless by Remus Lupin at the top of the Astronomy Tower.
When the two boys parted, none of them really knew what to say, it had been obvious in the way they had kissed each other that they both has been wanting it for a long time.
Their foreheads were still touching, and Remus had started playing with a few strands of soft, dark hair.
“I want you to be here every time.” Remus whispered, not really thinking about anything.
“I will.” Sirius answered truthfully.
Remus backed away only realizing now what he had asked.
“No, no you don’t have to.” Remus started panicking.
His rambling was cut short by Sirius’s soft lips, everything was soft about him, and Remus knew that it wasn’t only a reassurance, it was a promise.