Sex And The City Of London

*

Once Upon A Time, A European Accountant from Germany moved to London. Emmeline was beautiful and cunning, but most of all successful. After a few months of getting settled down, she decided to try the whole online dating thing. Almost instantly she stumbled on Alex. She was 30. A much-beloved doctor. Alex was the first one to make contact. It was chemistry at first text. For one week they texted. They talked about zodiac signs, exchanged photographs, and even sexted. One summer luncheon Alex stopped responding. After a day of ghosting, Emmeline tried to push the conversation further by herself. Of course, she never got a response. She told me one morning at Costa while waiting in line.

*

“Just completely disappeared. Never said anything. No explanations. Nothing. Like I don’t exist.”

*

Poor thing. No one had told her. In London talking to someone and especially online meant close to nothing. There was no real love here. Everyone is just too busy with their careers and the pursuit of success that they cannot bother to get into a real relationship. This is not the land of “Notting Hill and “Love Actually”. This is the land of get out of my way and out of my bed as soon as possible. 

Full attention working and minimum attention to dating are the must. It is the only way to get forward in this city. But how did we get into this? When did dating become just a vulnerability? There still are numerous people - both male and female - in this city that are looking for a relationship. We all know at least one. They’re people just like us, only problem is they live in a fantasy.  They sign up to dating up after dating up only to end up just like Emmeline or to end up with just a hookup.

Are we being polite and are we just trying to seem polite? Do we really care about the other person or do we just ask for their name because it’s the right thing to do? In a land where dating has turned into just sex, do we misread any and all situations when it comes to talking - or its modern counterpart, texting?

*

“Happy Birthday Dear Lily, Happy Birthday Dear Lily, Happy Birthday to You!” the waiters and her closest friends sang to Lily.

Lily Evans, was a High-Scool teacher. One of those kids that when in High School themselves was good in everything they did, but always had a softer spot for lessons that they made sure to bug everyone about. For Lily, that was chemistry and so she decided to just as well carry it on for the remainder of her life, with her teaching it.

*

My close friend Lily was passionate about her job. But never success-driven. It’s not like she had to fight for a higher position as a teacher. She had enough. The only other thing she could ask for more from was her love life. She was a hopeless romantic searching for the one. She just hoped she hadn’t already found it when she adopted her cat.

*

As was visible on the cake she was turning 31, or as her friends had chosen to display it 22  + 9. In other words, Lily’s favorite musician was in way, shape, or form a secret. 

Wide-eyed from all the smiling, Lily blows out her birthday candles.

Her closest of friends Marlene, Mary, and Remus clap on for her. Cheering her on as she embarks on what is supposed to be a new journey in her very adult life. 

“Merry 31!” Mary yelled out the to top of he lungs and echoing through the entire very crowded restaurant.

Lily shushes Mary. Her mood has completely shifted from happy and cheery to one more word out of your mouth and I will snap your life in half, “Does everyone here have to know that we’re over the age of 30?’.

*

It is the sad truth. 30 means no more 20 and no more 20 means that you have neither an excuse for being late, neither an excuse for being single. We were all single and going to the brand new, hot club that everyone in their 20s was talking about opening that Saturday night. Magic Potion.

*

“Oh, please! All the hot people are over 30 are single”, as always Marlene and her hook-up, pro-sex propaganda. 

Marlene McKinnon, a tiny bit older than her other three friends, although she never did explicitly state her real age. For the past three years, they had been celebrating her 31st. She was a CEO at her own underwear called “Kinnkos”. She had wide success worldwide for her bold designs. 

*

Marlene chose to see the big-30 as something entirely different. As someone who never cared for relationships or marriage having a bunch of desperate people was the best formula for a find-me quick sex.

*

“Hot and single doesn’t exist. Unless you’re talking about me”, Mary says in her usual pessimistic with just a hint of optimism way.

Mary McDonald. Corporate Lawyer. Hot. Hot. Hot. And she knew it. And so did others. She just was too quick to dismiss them. If you didn’t fit her picture you were gone. Even the gals and lads that did fit the perfect image were quick to go if that picture was wrecked. Of course, the picture was flawed. It was self-sabotage. 

“I don’t know. I’m going to have to stand with Mary on this one. I’ve actually had and even worse love -”

“Sex!” Marlene cuts Remus in.

“I’ve actually had an even worse LOVE life ever since I turned 30. Even 29 years old act like you’re too old. And I’m only saying that because I girl Xed me for that.”

Remus Lupin. The guy of the group, but someone who could provide just as much insight to boy and girl problems for his friends. The guy who would provide insight on boy and girls problems for everyone to read. He did write a sex column for the newspaper after all. 

*

I found myself agreeing with Mary. Maybe the reason why dating apps or dating at all is flawed is that all the good people magically found each other and are now committed - before the age of 30 .

*

Lily is just glaring at her friends throughout this entire conversation. There indeed is a limit to repeating someone’s age after a certain point in life and when you’re over thirty that limit is once. Once they blow out their candles.

“Can we just change the subject?!” Lily yells out, displeasure with her friends.

The change in subject is provided by Remus, “Have you ever used a dating app?”.

Lily immediately puts a big piece from her cake in her mouth. She doesn’t want to answer that question. The conversation went from bad to worse. 

“Never have. Never will. The best girls are out in the open.” Marlene is the first one to answer Remus’ question.

“I have. Just about all of them. Hook-ups. Dating. Marriage. All of them. All flawed and all just about sex. I mean I’m not complaining, but I’m not always in the mood for sex you know.” Mary’s answer is just as genuine as Marlene’s.

Lily bites down her entire piece. When she is about to grab another one, Mary forcibly takes the spoon away from her hands.

“I have.” she finally admits “But only the young professionals one. Let me tell you. They were not so professional…”

Marlene laughs to herself, “I’m sure they’re professionals… in other areas.”

Lily gasps at Marlene’s sick joke. She grabs her spoon back from Mary and digs it back in her cake. She’d rather eat that than have such a vulgar conversation. 

“I’ve never really had, but a friend of mine that just moved here did and after talking with a gal for like a week got completely tossed aside” Remus finally makes his point.

“Oh yeah. Everyone and everywhere does that. Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. Fake bullshit. They just want to do you as fast as possible, while still not being a perfect stranger to you so they don’t feel bad. If you take too long to warm up you’re just out.”

*

Mary had also confirmed my other suspicion. Dating apps up are just Sex apps with really, really good advertising. So if they are so bad, why did people keep using them? If everyone was interested but not really, what made them come back?

When I got to my teeny-tiny studio apartment that night, a little bit drunk from all the celebratory champagne, I wanted to test out the water myself. So, after a lot of consideration, I downloaded an app I never had before, Grindr.

*

After downloading Grindr, Remus puts on his personal information; a very awkward face photo, his age, his height, his weight, his sex position, and lastly what he is looking for. He puts nothing on there. He wants to have every possible opportunity. 

Grindr though is a weird space. Countless are the profile pictures of people without their shirts on, showing off their chiseled bodies and very few of people showing their actual faces. 

Disappointed from even his first look, Remus decides to get off the app, close the internet, and shut off his phone. Now is the time for a shower and bed. Tomorrow morning is the time for research.

*

On just my first look-through, I was confident that I could separate the fakers from the doers. A photograph means you pretend to care. A torso means you’re just here for the fast food.  

*

The next morning when Remus woke, hours after he had set the alarm, the first thing he wanted to do was check if he had gotten any messages during the night. When he turns on the internet he is flooded with notifications. 

When Remus opens the app he finds a huge number of views on his profile, a big number of messages, and a smaller number of taps - there was even an option for the shy ones. Both Faces and Torsos had texted him with a simple “Hello”. Groups from both though had found it more important they send a Dick Pick than anything else. 

*

On my second look-through though things got a bit more complex. The whole thing didn’t just work with face or no face. It just worked. All the signs seemed clear and they were showing me what everyone had told me. Dating is indeed dead. 

*

“That is a nice dick. Long and thick. They should turn it into a dildo.” Marlene says while handing Remus his phone back.

“They really should” Mary adds to Marlene’s remark.

Lily had her hands pressed against her wars the entire way through the conversation. She also had her eyes shut. She didn’t want to catch any glimpses of someone bare, hard member out and about in the open.

“I think I’m going to try one of these out. See how it is. For research…”

“Of course. For research. And while you research him, I’m going to research her”, with that Marlene leaves the group down to a three and chases after a girl on one of the other tables. 

“Remus, don’t! Don’t live me alone in this cruel, cruel world. If you become one of them what we’ll happen to me?”

“Honey, you still have me.”

“No, I don’t. You could pick up any person in here if you wanted to. You just don’t.”

“I couldn’t -”

Remus completely zones out of Lily’s and Mary’s conversation. He decides to see this thing through and so he texts the guy that he saw with the girls. 

*

But since dating was dead, why not try the new alternative. With that in mind, I decided to reach out to the Dildo. We had a hook-up session planned in just 5 minutes for an hour late. The easiest it had ever been for me.

*

In one hour Remus was there. Buzzed in and waiting for the Dildo’s door to open. The door finally did. Behind it, was a chiseled tall man - not as tall as Remus though -, a towel was hanging by his torso. He lets Remus in.

Inside the living, a porn film was playing. A threesome actually. By the looks of it, this man had a clear kink for orgies. 

After staring for a bit too long at the TV and listening to the moans for just as much, Remus takes a seat at the edge of the couch. The awkwardness of the situation starts to weigh in on him. 

The Dildo takes a seat by Remus. When sitted down he lets his towel drop. Marlene was right it really should have been turned into a Dildo.

*

In not even half an hour I was out of my “date” with Dildo and back on the street. My little meeting with Dildo had been enjoyable. Just that. I was never seeing him again and he was never seeing me. Something about that didn’t feel quite right to me.

*

Remus is brought back into reality when he receives a text notification. It was just Grindr.

A guy that showed him face and his body. Listed everything important about him - even the fact that he was looking for a relationship - and even started the conversation with “Hello”.

*

So naturally,  I had to check the other spectrum. What about the people who seem to really want to date. Why did things not work out with them?

*

As Remus was texting an answer back he bumped into someone. During the crush, his phone went flying away from his hands and onto the very dangerous and crowded with feet pavement.

Just as a person is about to step on it, they notice the phone right under their feet. They duck down and pick it up. 

Remus runs through the crowd and to the person that got his phone. When he gets there he is speechless.

The most gorgeous man has Remus’ phone. Although average height everything else about him is perfect. His suit, his skin, his ocean eyes, that jet black hair, and the impeccable jawline.  But most important of all even though he seemed around his early thirty he showed no sign of being married. This man was what the word gorgeous had made for.

“Grindr. Someone is having their fun…”, Gorgeous Man says as he hands the phone over to Remus.

Remus just accepts the phone. He is still just mesmerized by the man.

“Well, then it was great chatting to you…”, Gorgeous Man says as he goes about his merry way again.

Remus finally wakes up from his trance of aw and realizes what the man commented to him, “It’s for research!”, he yells at the passing crowd hoping that it will reach Gorgeous Man.

*

I texted with the Other Spectrum for what seemed like a day. In reality, we were just responding to each other every quarter to an hour trying not to seem too available. Despite our means of meeting he really did seem like a wonderful guy.  Could I possibly ever come to call this guy my boyfriend?”

Later that day at one of my half-hour breaks from the Other Spectrum. I met with Lily, who after our morning talk had decided to download her young professional app again. Things for her were going just as good as they were for me. Turns out he was also on her half-hour break. 

*

“You know? I haven’t had IT in like six months? I’m starting to think that it has re-virginionized, Remus.” Lily shares her deep secret.

“Is that even a word?”

“It should be. Because I’m living it. I hope to do anything and everything to make things with this guy work. He is an accountant, texts well, has nice interests, why wouldn’t they work?”

Remus’ phone dings. He immediately picks it up, “Well my break is over for the next five to fifteen minutes. I feel our texting is going steady,” he says as he gets up “Text me if the thing with your guy goes anywhere.”.

*

The next morning, I got two rather unpleasant texts and from where I was expecting them. Neither Lily nor Mary could make it to Magic Potion that night. They both had dates. Lily with her young professional and Mary with her certainly flawed and who would most probably end up being, a hook-up. Both those dare were scheduled by apps. 

*

Remus puts his phone down after the text and lays back in bed. He ruffles through his after-sleepy messy curly hair. He closes his eyes, begging for more hours of sleep. All of these feelings are washed away when his phone rings. He immediately fishes for his phone.

(09:02) 4SomethingReal: Morning, beautiful.

(09:03) Moon: Morning.

(09:03) 4SomethingReal: I’m soooo horny….

(09:04) Moon: Oh… Really?...

(09:04) 4SomethingReal: Wanna wank on video call?

Remus shuts off his phone’s internet and rests the table on the bed. He is really baffled by Other Specturm’s two last texts. He just got a completely different vibe from Other Spectrum than he did just moments ago.

*

But there I was. Talking to someone going by the pseud of “4SomethingReal” being asked to wank on video call just hours into texting with the guy. Was he trying to test the waters, or was he simply bored of me and wanting to let me go slowly with phone sex? If the first was true then what would happen once he tested the water and didn’t like me? Would he just move on to the next lad? Then again if the latter was true it would have meant he wasn’t looking “4SomethingReal” but 4SomethingQuick.

*

“Oh, honey it’s a perfectly fine thing to ask. The man had just woken up. Aren’t you familiar with morning wood?” Marlene said while looking at a pair of Manolo Blahniks. 

“I am! I am! It’s just that it’s weird. It hasn’t even been 24 hours, I can’t just do that with him…”

“Oh please, don’t be a prude like Lily. The girl would rather get blue pussy than have a quicky. You’re writing a sex column for My sake. You cannot be so uptight.”

“So you’re saying that I should have phone sex?”

“I’m saying that you’re overacting. You’ve talked so much you’ve basically gone on more than one date. Under those circumstances, you’d have already had sex.”

Marlene screeches from excitement as she finds a pair of pink leather, high-heel sandals with crystal embellishment on the front strap. She raises her hand calling out for an employee to fetch her, her size.

“Just go ahead and do it. You’ve got nothing to lose. Just extra material for your column… and maybe just a good’ol wank.” Marlene says as the employee approaches her.

*

Regardless of the reason, I decided to go through with it and have phone sex with Other Spectrum. My answer to his text was sent merely hours after his request. My answer though never got an answer back. Other Spectrum appeared to have disappeared off the face of the planet. I wasn’t surprised. I was surprised though when I found myself getting sad over him just completely disappearing. Just like Emmeline I’d grown too invested.

*

Remus is cooking in the kitchen or at least is supposed to be cooking. In reality, he has his “Bye!Bye!Bye!” Spotify playlist on and is just vibing to it. At that moment he couldn’t have cared less of the sizzling pan. When the characteristic Grindr notification disturbs “IDGAF” he is quick to check his phone. Now that he could care about. 

The notification goes off again. It’s not the same person. It’s a person that’s really comfortable with sharing their dick and ass though. From many, many, many angles to be exact.

Remus turns off Grindr’s notifications. He doesn’t want to deal with it right now. He’s too busy falsely feeling sad for thinking he was hitting off with someone new… and of course burning his food. Literally burning it. Quite literally burning it.

*

That got me thinking. Maybe the problem isn’t in the dating apps. Maybe the problem is in us. Those stylish apps did start with the intention of dating. We just collectively changed their purpose. We were so entertained with the idea of quick cum and go sex that we turned it into the regular. Someone could truly want the real thing. Given the circumstances of our acquaintance though sex always comes first.

*

Saturday night it was finally time for Magic Potion’s opening. The line was as long as the street went. All the twenty-somethings wanted to get inside the club. All the important people had already gone in. That was after all what being important intitled.

A Taxi pulls drives up past the waiting crowd and stops right in front of the entrance. The passenger seat opens and outside comes Marlene McKinnon in her brand new Manolo Blahniks, which could and would blind people, as well as a stunning Dior summer dress to top it all off.

“Come out you whores! I’m not waiting out here with all those nobodies any longer.” Marlene yells out as she sees the crowd waiting in line.

The back door opens and out comes Remus, a lot more plainly dress than Ms. Blinder out there, “That is Marlene for you, mates. Never afraid to speak her mind.”

“And thank Me I don’t, because if I did you lot would have been plainly boring.”

There were two other passengers inside the taxi.

One is Remus’ German friend Emmeline Vance, or as referred to lately as the poor girl that inspired Remus’ latest piece.

The other is Peter Pettigrew. Owner of a fabulous Patisserie, famous for his chocolate sweets. That is after all the reason why he and Remus became such good friends. Asexual as well as Aromantic. Total sweetheart and doll to be around as a whole though.

“No, she’s fun. People like fun. I’m sticking with her she’s going to get me a hook-up. I can feel it.” Emmeline says as she attaches herself to Marlene’s arm.

“Just don’t hook up with her…” Remus warns Emmeline.

“Marlene McKinnon. You’re going to see my underwear all over your club tomorrow morning” she announces at the guard.

The guard checks the list in his hands and paves the way for the four of them to enter Magic Potion while looking at Marlene suggestively. 

“She doesn’t mean her’s. she has lines of underwear.” Remus stops the Guard from getting any fancy idea about his friend.

*

So there I was. Magic Potion, the hot new club with the hot new singles, yet all I could think about was the app on my phone. People I could have met there that night would probably be people I could have met on my phone. Yet no one seems interested. They were all preoccupied with setting up their next sex date, not even looking at the people around them. It was official. After hours of research, romance in London was declared dead.

*

“This is fun…” Peter screams out into Remus’ ear in a very not-fun tone. The EDM music covers his voice even when yells out. 

Remus is scanning the crowd. Barely anyone is leaving their group to talk to another person. Their phones’ screens are flashing on their face though. There is no physical communication, it requires too much effort. 

“You wanna get out of here, Mate?” Remus yells out into Peter’s ear.

Peter frantically nods at Remus. That’s what he’s been trying to tell Remus all this time.

As Remus is getting off his chair the crowd opens and on a booth right across from and surrounded by people is Gorgeous Man. As Remus stares a bit too long at the man he realizes he is not surrounded by people but is being pestered by them.

Gorgeous Man lifts up his stare and his eyes lock with Remus’, what follows is that cocky grin that would make you want to drop your pants right then and there and yell out ‘FUCK ME!’.

“You know Sirius Black?” Marlene yells out into Remus’ ear as she comes from the bar holding a Cosmopolitan.

“Sirius Black? That’s his name?” Remus wakes up from his spell with Gorgeous and faces Marlene. 

“He is the biggest Kinnos inverter. A real businessman.” Marlene says while a girl is dancing in front of her.

Remus nods and waves goodbye at Marlene, pulling Peter outside with him as he is leaving.

*

A big part of me was still hopeful though. Naturally, in order to feed into the feeling, I met up with Lily for brunch the very next morning, just the two of us.

*

“It didn’t work out…” Lily cried out, tears spilling on her strawberry chocolate pancakes, “You know… it was all about sex.”

Remus tries to comfort Lily by gently caressing her on the arm, “It’s okay honey. I know that you’ll find Mr. Perfectly Fine soon enough.”

“The worst thing is, I did have sex with him…” she blubbers out almost ashamed of herself. 

“You had a one-night stand? Lily Evans? Are you sure your good? Do you think you have a fever or something? Marlene has to find out!”

“No! No! Marlene can never find out. She’ll never let it go. Please, Rem, don’t tell her.”

Remus pulls out his phone, “Wait, I have to dial her right this instant.”

Lily tries to pull Remus’ phone away from his hands, hitting him wherever she can find, “ Stop it! Rem…

“Go for Marley…”

*

So the verdict was final texting has overturned the entire concept of dating. We as people are just looking for the quick-paced get-up and go thing. If someone doesn’t fulfill all out of our needs we go to the next best thing, ghosting the previous. While doing that we just end up making fools of ourselves. And all though some people will find something real through dating apps the general consensus will just end up alone and heartbroken. 

*