The [wounds] that the soldier shows on his face and breasts, stars are that guide others to the heaven of honor, and of desiring fair praise; and it should be noted that one does not write with gray hair, but with understanding, which tends to improve over the years.
—Prologue to the reader, The ingenious Hidalgo Don Quixote de la Mancha Second Part, Miguel de Cervantes.
When Remus woke up that morning, he could only think about how much his wrist hurt, it had been fractured by the full moon two days ago and despite the healing spells it still hurt, well, his whole body hurt, all of the time, but if he tried to explain it to someone else, he would just say that it felt like having an everlasting toothache. It is difficult to explain how pain works, at least it always seemed to him, when in wizarding or Muggle hospitals they asked him: "How much pain are you in from one to ten?" he always answered 6, a little above average, but never anything extraordinary. Fear tends to be amplified by worry, and he had never cared about himself enough to think, for example, what it might mean that his wrist ached for two days when it was healed.
He got out of bed wishing he could stay in bed for a while longer, but he had a mental schedule to follow. He put the kettle on, put the tea in his cup and while he waited for the water, he began to prepare an egg, he was still asleep and had to blink repeatedly to ward off sleep blindness. He occasionally twisted his left wrist to ward off the pain and sighed thinking that he would drink some pain potion after breakfast. Breakfast, he took the potion as he had thought, he got dressed wearing his thickest and warmest sweater because it had started to rain. For a moment as he stared out the window with his second cup of tea, he wondered what point he'd had in dressing if that day would be as irrelevant as the day before and the next. He sighed and unbuttoned his shirt on his left arm because he felt it press on his injured wrist even though the shirt was so old that it couldn't press even if it wanted to. It's mental, he thought. He sighed again and sat down at what should be the dining room table where he usually worked on his missions for the Order, at the moment he was just analyzing some ancient texts and sending notes to Dumbledore, it was somewhat tedious.
The rain echoed in his little cabin, Remus tried to focus on work and ignore the fact that the leaks in the roof would start to drip at any moment, but suddenly one of those leaks began to fall directly on his left shoulder and resigned he had to get up to plug the more than ten leaks with a spell his dad had taught him long before Hogwarts. When he sat down to work again, he was able to concentrate better then with nothing urgent to ignore, he concentrated on the ancient book and the words written by someone who probably never expected a 20th century werewolf to read them.
The pain in his wrist persisted, from time to time he found himself stopping his reading simply to feel the physical pain, in those moments he let himself notice that his shoulder was still wet from that leak, that one of his socks had a hole in the heel through which he could feel the frozen floor, that his tea had got cold, that one of his nails had grown faster than the others and that disturbed him because it reminded him of his wolf claws, according to Dumbledore's letter today or tomorrow Sirius would arrive ... it didn't matter, so he kept reading, letting time pass him by.
He was translating a Latin sentence that he didn’t understand, he had never done very well with the language, and he always had to do dictionary translations that left him feeling that something was missing. The text was about 16th century potions, but the sentence was meaningless anyway. How did declensions work in Latin? Merlin, how his wrist bothered him. He was searching the bookshelves in his little living room for the book he always translated with when the door rang. He ignored the first knock because he could excuse it with the wind, but after the third he felt the hairs on his neck stood up and feeling a chill run through him from head to toe. He turned in the direction of the door, the pain in his wrist seemed unbearable with every step he took, but he just ignored it to cling to his wand with that hand.
"Who is it?" he asked in a trembling voice, he hadn’t dared to lean out of the window that could give him an anticipated answer because he was afraid of the answer. Because he knew what answer he wanted to get.
"By Merlin's beard, Remus, open the door, I don't know who else you were expecting on a Wednesday while it rains like the world is going to end, but it's me, Sirius." Remus controlled the smile that wanted to spread across his lips.
"What did Sirius give me on my 21st birthday?" His voice sounded calmer than he felt, his hand was shaking, and his breath came out short.
"Uh-oh, I don't remember if I gave it to you? But a diary, as always. "
Remus opened the door, Sirius looked better than the last time he saw him, but he still looked like a man who escaped from prison. He didn't need to invite him in or say any other formality, Sirius entered his small house at the same time that there was a pull in the electricity making all the bulbs flicker and so while Remus was confused by the bulbs and the pain in his wrist Sirius jumped to hug him.
The reaction was as immediate as that of that fateful night at Hogwarts, Remus carried him lifting his feet off the ground while he hid his head on his neck, it was somewhat clumsy, and the lights were blinking so it seemed almost unreal. Remus wondered if maybe the light thing was a reaction from his house to Sirius's magic, maybe everything about him couldn't help but explode when Sirius was around.
"I'm very glad that Dumbledore finally gave me the order to stay with you because if he didn't do it in a few days, I would give the order myself." Sirius was smiling and joking as he slid off his arms until his feet hit the floor again. Remus took a heavy breath and smiled in a way that made him feel silly.
He always thought that having Sirius in front of him again he would be so busy in moral and sentimental debates that he could not pay attention to him, but now the lighting had stabilized and he couldn’t see or think of anything other than the man in front of him.
"You're all wet." He didn’t even realize that those words had escaped him through his silly smile that Sirius was returning him in an exaggerated way, he couldn’t help but think that with that expression despite the years he looked identical to his Hogwarts days.
"Well yeah, it's hard to make wandless water repellent spells." Sirius said it in a jovial and only slightly maniacal tone, Remus felt shame spread throughout his body because it was obvious that this Sirius wasn’t completely well or recovered yet, he should not be thinking about... Merlin, he had not even closed the door from how distracted he was.
Closing the front door always made all the windows in the little cabin vibrate, Remus found it comforting. But at that moment he felt comforted by the fact that he always had his friend, his only living friend of his standing in front of him.
"Do you want to bathe? There is still hot water, and I can lend you some sweaters, even my favorite if you behave." His voice sounded very relaxed, as if he wasn’t at all moved by Sirius's presence even though everything within him and around him was moving nonstop because he didn't know what to feel.
"Oh gods, it sounds lovely, I'd love to please." Sirius patted him on the shoulder and Remus felt like he was some waiter who had made a good suggestion, he almost felt like he could offer a tip at any moment. "You know I always believed that you would be one of those adults who lives in an apartment in the middle of a noisy city, but ... the cabin makes sense with you."
Sirius was looking around as if he belonged to the rug he was standing on. How he was etched into his family tapestry, Remus was distracted, and a stabbing pain reminded him of the existence of the pain in his wrist, he almost felt like he might faint.
"I also always believed that I would be one of those adults." Remus said as he walked towards the bathroom to have something to do, Sirius followed him with a rhythm of steps that was something different from what Remus remembered about him. "But it seems to me that the war was noisy enough for me... well, the first war."
That comment would have caused an awkward silence with anyone else in the wizarding world, but however Sirius wasn't just anyone, he laughed, a laugh that made his body look like he had been electrocuted, as if he had been struck by lightning. There was something slightly manic about his gestures, something that wasn't there before, Remus still didn't know how to judge him, it didn't seem out of place with respect to him, but he was... different, he wondered what else had changed.
Once in the bathroom he turned on the shower and tempered the water as he thought Sirius might like, just a little higher than normally hot. He made sure to leave a towel ready and checked his cabinet for scissors if he wanted to cut his hair. Sirius was leaning against the doorframe and watching his every move with particular attention, his head tilted slightly down and his eyes bright, extremely bright for such a gaunt face.
Remus tried not to feel nervous, he tried not to think about the meaning of that look, the other moment he had felt it over him. He simply walked out of the bathroom, brushing his shoulder against Sirius's chest, and hearing him take a deep breath, he didn't think about it, he thought about the pain in his wrist. He walked to his room, Sirius followed him with a calmer, more hesitant step and Remus tried to remain calm as he opened the door and realized the mess that he hadn’t cleaned in days: clothes thrown on the floor and the bed unattended. He would have never seen this from him in his days at Hogwarts, with a few movements of his wand he put the clothes in the basket and made the bed, he heard Sirius laugh.
"It's not usually this messy, just didn't have time today to ... you know, make the bed and those kinds of things you can do with a flick of your wand." His sarcasm came out as flat as ever and he felt something calm in his chest, he unconsciously twisted his wrist as he said it, Sirius's eyes fell on the movement.
"Understandable, I suppose you weren't expecting my arrival." Sirius again stood in the doorway, as if he was not allowed into the room, as if he needed an invitation like vampires and Remus stopped judging that new behavior as he searched through his clothes for his smaller jeans, he found some washed out denim that he probably last used in the 80s, he threw them on his bed, then he looked for a shirt and found a white short sleeve with the Talking heads logo, when he looked among his sweaters he remembered that he promised him his favorite and he was wearing it, the red Gryffindor sweater knitted by his mother years ago joined the pile of clothes on his bed to which after he added a thick pair of socks and underwear, before closing his closet he took another Green cardigan, he put it on and walked towards Sirius who was looking at him carefully, Remus smiled before he was aware that he was doing it, the two of them smiled as they exchanged the pile of clothes.
"The water is running then ... it would be better if you entered at once, otherwise I will have to charge you." Remus looked down at his now empty hands and turned his wrist again. "When you go out, I'll have a cup of tea ready for you."
"Thank you very much, Moony." Sirius put his hand on his still wet left shoulder and frowned. "You're soaked, what the hell happened to you?"
"I was sitting beneath a leak, it's nothing." he felt the blush color his cheeks and before he could fix it with a spell from his wand, he could feel Sirius's magic at work. "Hey no, you're going to get tired."
"It's nothing, Moony, it's really nothing." Sirius smiled squeezing his now dry shoulder.
When Sirius closed the bathroom door Remus realized that he was still in the door frame, he was still with one shoulder slightly bent from the weight of Sirius's touch. He shook himself and cleared his mind the best he could, until he found himself by inertia putting the kettle and taking out only one cup, only to later realize that he needed one for Sirius as well, he thought then that those are the minimum error times that you commit in a reunion. But he didn't stop at that thought because he made him feel things and he preferred not to feel anything, at least not at that moment when he felt so exposed. His wrist still ached, a stabbing pain that seemed to spread throughout his forearm. The pain was familiar, he could focus on it, he could qualify it, he could limit it to one place.
He quickly made a sandwich, needing a distraction and thinking that maybe Sirius might be hungry, he probably was.
"Your… mmm… shampoo? smells so good." Sirius walked into the kitchen shaking his long, messy hair with a towel as he looked around the kitchen, everywhere but at Remus. "I've been thinking that it's strange, isn't it? Everyone who has seen me since Azkaban offers me a shower, I always thank them for their kindness, you know, the whole ordeal, but I swear, Remus, I swear no one has ever offered me food or a change of clothes, showering seems so ... superficial when I have all these years in prison behind me ... oh my god you made me a sandwich! Did you practice your legilimency in these twelve years or do you just know me very well?"
That was the thing with Sirius, he had this habit of giving speeches or simply speaking in a way that mesmerized Remus, it was as if his face couldn't hold all of his emotions, as if each word represented a different feeling. Some things may never change. He couldn't help the small smile on his lips at the overreaction to the probably bland sandwich, so he just nodded as he turned off the kettle that was ready.
"My legilimency remains just as mediocre." It wasn't his intention that his response sounded so mysterious. With a sigh his smile collapsed and turning his back to Sirius he began as he poured the tea into the two cups. “Sit at the table, move my books if they get in your way, I'm coming.”
The steps took a second longer than expected, as if Sirius had hesitated to move, Remus concentrated on carrying Sirius's sandwich and tea to the table before going back for his own and looking for the pain potion in his cabinet. thinking he would have a little after tea, his wrist still ached. Sirius had sat in the place he had occupied before he arrived and was reading the snippet of text Remus had gotten stuck on.
"quando caput dolet caetera membra dolet" he read the Latin phrase that Remus couldn't translate, the smile on his lips indicating that he knew the meaning. “When the head is ill, all the other limbs hurt.”
"You just saved me hours of research." Remus felt that thanking him sounded out of place, so he didn't, just smiled, took a sip of his tea and burned his tongue.
"I like that saying, I once thought I read a variation that said quando cor dolet caetera membra dolet" Sirius's smile was tempting, he looked Remus straight in the eye as he carefully closed the books in front of him and moved them from place to get closer to the tea and sandwich.
"When the heart is sick, all the other limbs ache," Remus whispered.
"Is your head or your heart sick?" Sirius glanced at the potion vial and Remus felt an embarrassment that he couldn't explain.
"My wrist has been hurting for days," he replied, turning the wrist in question, Sirius followed the movement again.
“Why? Did you break it?”
"Yes, on the last full moon."
"Oh, and do you know if it healed well? You should have it checked.” Sirius sipped his tea while still staring at Remus's wrist.
"It’ll heal well by itself... it's a phantom pain, it's all mental" Remus repeated the words he'd been repeating for days as he finished his tea and stretched out to drink the potion.
Sirius laughed and Remus freaked out because it wasn't the reaction he expected, but again, he didn't know what to expect, he just stared at Sirius as his laughter faded and only a smile remained.
"Oh Remus, you've always been the same. You could be going through the worst pain of your life, and you would say it is mental, do you remember when on a full moon at Hogwarts you broke three teeth and spent months with the pain saying it was "a phantom pain"? I still remember James's face when we had to take you to the infirmary wing and...” his smile diminished after the name James left his mouth, Remus couldn't bear that reaction, Sirius seemed sad at the memory in a sense Remus was just happy that he remembered.
"James scold me awfully when we were alone," Remus said with a small smile and a careful look at Sirius. “He told me that I cannot neglect my health, that if something hurts me it is because my body was trying to tell me something, awfully 70's from him.”
“He was right!” Sirius smirked again and Remus held his gaze as he took the option.
"But this time I know the wrist healed, okay, I used the right spell, I guess it's just settling in or something."
Sirius finished his tea with an aristocratic eyebrow raised in mockery. Remus felt the almost instantaneous numbness of his pain, he relaxed against the chair as Sirius finished eating and he thought that he didn’t expect their reunion to be like this it felt almost as if time had not passed, but at the same time as if they were people had just met, it was a strange feeling. The image of Sirius on his clothes, in his favorite sweater was charming.
"Do you think you could cut my hair?" Just a little, remove all the dirt” Sirius said leaning on the table.
"Do you think that in these twelve years for some reason I became a hairstylist?" Remus asked with a light laugh.
"No... no respectable hairstylist would have your cut," they both laughed, it was strangely comforting. “But I guess you know how scissors work, just cut a straight line.”
"Uh, straight never really worked out for me."
Sirius seemed surprised as well as amused, his eyes were bright and huge, for the first time he showed a toothy smile and his teeth were battered and brown, but his smile was the same. Remus would never have made jokes about his sexuality when they met, but he had spent time and fallen in love again and discovered himself, he no longer carried the shame and knew when discretion was not necessary. At that time, with Sirius discretion wasn’t necessary.
"I'll go get the scissors," Remus continued before Sirius could say anything else, he took the cups and plate away with the help of his wand, but again the unexpected happened.
"Accio hair-cutting scissors!" He yelled it in the same tone as the students learning the spell for the first time, he laughed with uncontrolled happiness when the scissors reached his hands and he proudly showed them to Remus.
"Well done, 10 points to Gryffindor," Remus joked, letting the dishes magically wash in the dishwasher as he returned to the table. "Sit here with your back turned and give me the scissors."
For some reason, once Sirius sat in the indicated chair with his back to Remus, he felt more confident, much more comfortable and reflected, he didn't feel any pain at that precise moment and while a comb appeared with a snap of his fingers, he began to speak.
"These years have been pretty horrible." He was dividing a section of hair and brushing it until it was free of knots, then he continued. "I disappeared from the wizarding community for years after that Halloween, some people tried to contact me but I never… didn't know what to do or what to say because I felt like I had lost all my magic, all my safe place."
"Remus ..." Sirius tried to turn but Remus stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
"I was lost for two years, completely lost, I was in a muggle university, then I left, I was traveling. I met people in those two years that I would never have imagined, I fell in love, I met a girl in Glasgow, her name was Sophie and even though time had passed since you, I didn't do anything, I let it pass. Every song on the radio reminded me of you, I stopped listening to music, stopped reading, I just existed from place to place waiting for the next pain of the full moon to feel something." Remus cut the first lock of hair, he felt his throat was drying out. "When I decided to return to my life it was a bit late, I feel like I was late for all the decisions that could have made me a better person. But regretting it didn't do me any good, so I lost contact with the few remaining Hogwarts companions, with no chance to see Harry and with nothing to do, I think having nothing to do was what made me most desperate."
"I found boggarts everywhere, sometimes I saw you, other times Lily or James demanding me to do something else. You know I was always good at defending against the dark arts but sometimes it was… too much. The fact is that ... I ended up surviving, I thought of you from time to time, for a long time I cursed you, I think I never hated you, but I would have liked to. Everything that reminded me of you seemed like cursed objects, also for that reason I left our department, I couldn't bear your essence all over the place even despite the years. When Dumbledore asked me to go back to Hogwarts I was fine, I had been doing well for some time with research, published a book, had many years of birthday, and stopped journaling. Seeing you again… god, seeing you again took all the air out of my lungs, but I'm so happy to see you, I can't believe you're here. I want to hug you and kiss you and at the same time run away because it scares me, Sirius, I don't think things will work out in our favour."
He was done with the haircut when he said the last word to Sirius, his hands were shaking but he had done a good job.
"Oh… Remus," Sirius then turned, got up from the table and hugged him. It was a hug that burned, a hug that disconnected Remus from himself. "I never believed you the type to make romantic speeches, I like this development."
Remus laughed, but his eyes felt watery as he bent over to settle on Sirius's shoulder, who smelled completely of Remus but with something of his, the doggy smell that always lingered on all of his clothes.
"My experience of these years is quite different, and if I'm honest I don't remember much, I prefer it that way. I think I'm fucked in the head, I always have been but now it's ... obviously, I think I'm stuck at 21 years old, I think my memory is failing and ... I don't know if I'm ready to exist ... I can't give the speech that you you gave, Remus, words were always your thing but—" They both laughed. "We have no time to lose, we never had thingsbjust work out the way we wanted them to, and if you are willing I… I want to make an effort, I want to be with you, is that okay?"
Remus nodded, feeling as if he had wasted all of his words for one day. Being face to face with Sirius was intimidating, his gray eyes seemed to be drinking Remus's face just like Remus was drinking his. He felt unreal, but he felt like taking a step in the right direction, something was being concluded in front of his eyes. Remus took Sirius's face between his hands, their foreheads and their noses were touching, Sirius then raised his hands from his shoulders to his wrists and surrounded them with his fingers, gently massaging them, then he took the sore one and brought it to his lips, where he kissed the pulse that went wild immediately, Remus was spellbound.
"How much pain are you in from one to ten?"" Sirius asked as his lips were walking over his hand, Remus flinched.
"It doesn't hurt, not anymore," Remus replied.