Dobby's Amazing Adventures

“Holy virtually unending cycle of testicular torture, Dobby!” Harry remarked. “Blaze the Cat sure did a number on your nards, with a little help from Sonic!”
“She very much did, Master Potter.” Said Dobby. “Dobby won't ever forget!”
Chica was so amazed by the story she'd just heard that she vomited all over a passing child. “Woah! I wonder who came next!”
Dobby laughed a sexy house elf laugh. “Dobby thinks you know who came next, Chica and Harry!”
“We do?” Chica and Harry answered at the same time, which meant they had to have a duel to preserve their reputations within a fortnight. “Who?!”
Dobby smirked. “Batman, of course!”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” Harry and Chica screamed so hard that Will Smith pooped his pants.
“Keep my pants’ poop out your fucking mouth!” Will bellowed at Kermit the frog before slapping him right in the dick.
“Ow! My dick which I didn't know I had until now because I'm a kids’ show character!” Kermit was understandably appalled at this sudden attack, but it was ok, because Will Smith would apologise for what he did four months later.
“Slow your roll, Dobby! Did Gotham’s caped crusader really torture your balls?” Harry could scarcely believe what he was hearing.
“He certainly did! But you wouldn't want to hear another boring old story about Dobby’s balls being tortured yet again, would you?” Dobby taunted knowingly.
“Oh, please, please, please tell us!” Chica and Harry begged, offering coins and jewels and pygmy marmosets to encourage the little house elf to spill the beans.
“Alrighty, if you want it that much…” Dobby chuckled warmly, before he prepared to narrate another of his many testicular torture anecdotes.

**Begin Dobby’s flashback**

Once Dobby had gotten away from Cryptoland, he decided that he would go to Gotham City to look for more work to pay off his debts.
You might think that was a bad idea, suicide even, but it actually made a lot of sense. Gotham’s crime rate was so high that loads of people kept violently dying, and that meant that there were always a lot of jobs available. It was even better for Dobby to be in Gotham, since all the thugs and gangsters knew that a house elf is less than 0.000000000000001% likely to have anything on them worth more than half a raisin, so they all left him alone.
Dobby strolled through the dirty streets filled with all kinds of bad stuff, when he saw a young man running off with a stolen television.
“Yo, random house elf in the middle of the street!” He called over to Dobby. “I'll give you this tv for one kick to the cojones!” He kicked Dobby in the nuts, then ran off, leaving the tv next to the recently harmed house elf.
“W-what a nice criminal…” Dobby groaned in pain. He picked himself and the tv up, then trudged off in search of the shop the thief had stolen it from, hoping to return it.
Suddenly, the tv turned itself on and started broadcasting the news. “BREAKING NEWS, THE JOKER JUST BROKE OUTTA ARKHAM ASYLUM AGAIN! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK?!” The Honey Nut Cheerios bee screamed. He was a news presenter as well as a cereal mascot and crack addict. “THIS SHIT BE CRAZY, DAWG! YOWZA!!”
“He's right, you know.” An insane sounding voice said from behind Dobby.
Dobby rotated 360 degrees, then 180 degrees more when he realised he was still facing the wrong way. When he saw who was speaking to him, he rotated an additional 5400. “OH NO, IT’S THE JOKER!”
“And don’t forget me, pud-!” Harley Quinn was about to make a dramatic entrance, but The Joker slapped her so hard that she flew away and exploded offscreen.
“Match point! Blue team!” The MultiVersus announcer boomed.
“Hiya, Dobby! Don't ask me why I know your name, I just do.” Joker laughed like an evil clown, because he was one. “I've been looking forward to meeting you!”
“Mr Joker Sir, please don't hurt Dobby!” Dobby panicked, remembering all the nasty stories Dumbledore had told him about Joker while trying to squeeze his balls again.
“Hurt you? No, no, my dear little elf! What I have in mind for you is just a little cosplay!” Joker grinned maniacally, while whipping out a purple jacket, a green wig, a tin of white face paint, and a stick of red lipstick.
Dobby was now as confused as he was scared. “C-cosplay?!”
“Yes, Dobby. You must dress up as me, or I'm gonna blow up seventeen orphanages for depressed puppies with unspecified but generally lifespan reducing conditions!” The cruel clown claimed. “And I won't say sorry!”
Dobby snatched the jacket out of Joker’s hands. “Alright, alright, Dobby will do what you want! Just don't hurt those puppies!” Dobby quickly changed into the Joker’s outfit. Soon he looked exactly like the clown prince of crime, but if he was a house elf called Dobby instead of a human called Joker.
“Looking great, Dob-bro!” Joker patted the elf on the head. A big smelly fart came out of his butt and made Dobby retch slightly. He was about to fart again, when he saw the bat signal illuminating the sky above.
Dobby saw the signal too, and hoped that Batman could save him from having to be dressed like a bad guy.
“I'd love to stay and do evil things with you, but I've got a very important job to attend to. I'll tell Harvey Dent you said hi. Farewell!” And then Joker flew away on a big balloon he had strapped to his back, which had ‘I ❤️ putting my wiener in Mountain Dew cans’ written on it. “Ha ha ha ha!”

Just when Dobby thought he was safe, he saw Batman beating up the tv thief in an alley.
“This'll teach you for taking things without saying please!” Batman growled, while punching the thief a bunch.
The thief tried to fight back, but he failed because bad guys never win, except when it's cooler for them to win. This guy wasn't that cool though. “I only wanted to watch Downton Abbey!” He wailed, before he got knocked out with a bat kick to the face.
“Batman, over here! Please help Dobby!” Dobby called to the caped crusader.
Batman turned to look at Dobby, and then he screamed and peed himself, but in a manly way. “I found the Joker! Robin, get over here!”
“Ok!” Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Damien Wayne, and Stephanie Brown said. Barbara Gordon, Cassandra Cain, and Duke Thomas were there too. The alley was pretty crowded now.
“No, no, not all of you!” Batman growled, pushing some of the robins aside. “The first one!”
“Hooray!” Dick Grayson cheered, jumping up and down and dabbing with glee.
“What about the rest of us?” The other sidekicks chorused loudly.
Batman got cross about his less important sidekicks talking back, it was very rude. “Shut up, nobody cares about you! Except the people who do care about you! I ain't one of ‘em! Or maybe I am! Whatever, just go back to the cave and do stupid shit for that Webtoon comic you're all in! Fuck!” He threw several smoke bombs around, until the other robins and batgirls and whatever Duke Thomas is supposed to be took the hint and left.
“Holy irritable bowel syndrome, Batman! We've gotta stop the Joker from doing Joker things!” The true Robin screamed, while pointing at Dobby.
“Agreed. Your clowny madness ends tonight, Joker!” Then Batman and Robin charged towards the house elf, unaware that the real Joker had already escaped.

*End Dobby’s flashback**

“Ha, ha, ha! What a story, Dobby!” Vector the Crocodile laughed. The tale the house elf had told so far was so awesome that he had finally woken up from the coma Donald Trump’s ass cheeks had put him in. “Being mistaken for the Joker must've been rough!”
Dobby nodded his hairless head sagely. “It certainly turned out to be, Master Vector! Well done for waking up from your coma by the way.”
“Thanks, Dobby. I'm just glad that the nightmare is ov-”
Suddenly, Boris Johnson smashed through the skylight above. He was shirtless, covered in blood, and had a Union Jack flag sticking out of each ear. Boris stomped over to Vector with a twitch in his left eye. “VECTOR! IT’S ALL GONE TO POT!!” He roared in anger.
“Oh, crap!” Vector tried to run away from the ex-prime minister of the United Kingdom, but Ol’ Bojo was too fast for him.
“You know what this means, Vector! All part of the deal!” Boris screamed while brandishing a revolver. He then started blowing into a whistle, and went “Peep peep peep!” very loudly.
“Oh, Christ! No, please, have mercy!” The crocodile begged, but it was no use. He tried ducking behind tables, hiding in the kitchen sinks, climbing on the walls, but he just couldn't get away from Boris.
“This is how we do it in Eton!” Mr Johnson screamed. With a squeeze of the trigger, a thunderous noise, and a triple backflip from Boris, a fresh hole had formed itself in Vector’s skull. Even the bullet was shocked.
“Fuck me, that was absolutely crackers!” The bullet said as it wedged itself into a floorboard.
Dobby and the gang might have tried to apprehend Boris Johnson after witnessing Vector getting shot right in front of them, but the former mayor of London was nowhere to be seen. He had already vanished, like a pinch of salt in the ocean, but extra British.

“Well. That certainly happened.” Harry muttered, as he and the rest of the gang were quite shocked at this sudden turn of events.
Chica was kind of sad that her boss was dead, but she really didn't want to stop having fun right now, so she tried to change the subject. “So, Harry! What was it like, being a prisoner of Voldemort? A POV even!”
“Yes, do tell.” Dobby was still staring at Vector’s corpse as the pizza vultures, children, and other pizzeria wildlife came to scavenge it but he was interested too.
Harry blinked slowly. “Alright. I guess I'll do that then.”

**Begin Harry’s flashback**

Harry wasn't in the best of situations right now. He was stuck in an uncomfortable prison cell, with only a very large man for company. “Where am I?” He asked, slightly fearful of the answer.
“You're in Voldcatraz Prison, buddy.” Big Tyrone said, stooping to the wizard’s eye level. “What brings a fruity little nerd such as yourself here?”
Harry didn't think he looked particularly like an apple or an orange, but he responded to Tyrone’s question anyway. “Voldemort caught me while I was trying to stop his credit card theft operation, but I don't understand how. The plan was so foolproof!” He frustratedly banged his fist on one of the iron bars, only for the iron bar’s feelings to get hurt.
“WAAAAAAAAH!!” The iron bar tearfully screamed. “HE HIT ME, MUMMY, HE HIT ME!”
“I'm sure it was, but that evil ol’ wizard’s a slippery one.” Big Tyrone murmured with a strong looking finger pressed to his forehead. “I thought I was being sneaky when I tried to hide inside his toilet and punch him in the dick for taking my grandma’s card, but he caught me before I could even start squeezing myself into the shitter.”
Harry was shocked to hear that Voldemort was pinching credit cards from old ladies as well as children. That evil fiend had truly gone too far. “Well, what happens now?” He peered out of his cell, to see more prisoners. Voldemort and his goons had locked up so many people, definitely more than three.
“Right now, it's bedtime. The guards will wake us up at six, we’ll have breakfast, then some fun in the showers.” Big Tyrone trailed off for a moment when he mentioned the showers. “And after that… You’ll see for yourself.”
“How long have you been here?”
“Three weeks. That's twenty one days, five hundred and four hours, or thirty thousand two hundred and forty minutes. Math makes my nipples tingle.”
“Let's hope you don't reach the fourth week. I'm Harry Potter, by the way.”
“Tyrone. Big Tyrone, at your service.”
Harry and Big Tyrone shook hands. The prison looked scary, but at least it was not devoid of a friend. “WHAAAAAAAAT?! YOUR NAME IS BIG TYRONE?!

Harry tried to sleep during the hours before six. He had arrived at Voldcatraz at 8:30 pm, so 6 am was a long way away. Harry kept nearly dozing off to enter a dream filled with happy ducks and Hermione covered in chocolate pudding, but Big Tyrone kept waking him up by loudly proclaiming how much he loved Dr. Phil.
But just when it seemed like Harry was finally going to sleep, he was forced awake again by something that felt like the wrong end of a fire hose. He opened his eyes, to see that it was actually Yosemite Sam pissing on him.
“Y’ALL BETTAH WAKE THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW, YA VARMITS, OR AH’M A-GONNA PISS ON Y’ALL ‘TILL THE SUN GOES BLUE!” Yosemite Sam roared as he showered the inmates with his highly pressurised urine.
“Just be glad he's using his front end for once.” Big Tyrone whispered to Harry.
“AN’ THAT A-GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU, RAYMAN!” Rayman had just opened his mouth to yawn, but now he found himself gargling cowboy pee.
Rayman sighed. “I blame the Rabbids.”

**End Harry’s flashback**

“Man, prison life is rough.” Chica said, while smoking a huge blunt.
“If you thought that was bad, just wait until you hear about what happened next!” Harry turned back towards Dobby. “After Dobby finishes his story, of course.”
“Alright, if that's how you want it, Dobby will-” But before Dobby could continue telling the tale of how his balls got bashed by Batman and Robin (the first one), there was the unmistakable sound of instant transmission behind him.
It was Goku's three sons. Gohan, Goten, and the coolest son, Gibbutt. Goten spoke up, which was the most useful thing he'd ever done in the history of Dragon Ball. “Hey, have you guys seen our dad?”
“He ran away from home because he’s scared of things that don't involve punching and/or shooting lasers at stuff.” Gohan explained, like the nerd that he was.
Gibbutt was the awesomest, specialist, and most original of Goku’s offspring so he just uttered his iconic catchphrase instead. “Spicy Chicken McNuggets made with 100% chicken breast meat in a mouth-wateringly spicy coating, using Jalapeno chillies. Served with a Spicy Chili dip. The 20 Spicy Chicken McNuggets® ShareBox® is intended to serve 4 people. Please note 5 Spicy Chicken McNuggets® is 886kJ/212kcal per portion.
Nutrition and allergen information do not include dips.”
“Oh, you want to know about Goku? He just transcended our level of reality, no big deal. What really matters is that Dobby’s balls got attacked by Batman and Robin!” Chica helpfully informed the three saiyan boys. “And that Gibbut is here!”
“Wow, that's so cool!” Goten exclaimed. “Can we hear about it too? Please?”
Gohan got out a notepad and a pen. “This'll be helpful for my studies!”
“Two 100% beef patties, a slice of cheese, lettuce, onion and pickles. And the sauce. That unbeatable, tasty Big Mac® sauce. You know you want to.” Gibbut announced. As soon as he said those words, twenty five women and fourteen men orgasmed three million times.
“What an original character!” Sailor Moon sighed before her dopamine receptors exploded from the sheer pleasure Gibbut’s presence gave her.
Dobby was happy that Gibbut was here too, although his testicles were too damaged to relish in Gibbut’s glory. “Sure, you guys can listen in on Dobby’s stories for a while! And speaking of this one…”

**Begin Dobby’s flashback**

“No, stop! Dobby isn't the Joker!” Dobby screamed as Batman’s fist rammed into his right testicle.
Robin wacked Dobby’s left testicle with his battle staff. “That's exactly what the Joker would say to trick you into not punching his balls, Bruce!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE DON’T USE OUR REAL NAMES WHEN WE’VE GOT THE MASKS ON, DICK!” Batman screamed while slashing at Dobby’s genitals with a batarang. “ASS!”
Robin scowled. “Oh, so I can't call you Bruce when we're superhero-ing, but you can still call me Dick, huh? Is that how it is?” He was so mad that he only backflipped three times instead of five before landing a kick on Dobby’s balls.
“IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN’T MEAN TO, SHUT YOUR FREAKIN’ MOUTH! DANG! POOP!” Batman screamed even louder.
“Dobby thinks you're ignoring the elephant in the room here!” Suddenly an explosive batarang painfully detonated on his nuts, which was soon followed by the Redbird running over his gonads at breakneck, or breakballs, speed. “GYAAAHAWAHOOHAAGAWAAAH!!”
“Hey, that's my car you're using! That's not fair!” Tim Drake complained from a distance away.
Robin flipped him off, then started doing donuts on Dobby’s dongles.

Batman did a bat jig as the testicular torture continued. “Don't try to resist, Joker! It's over already!”
“DOBBY IS NOT THE FUCKING JOKER!” Dobby wailed in pain. “The real Joker is still at large! He will surely do something terrible if you don't catch him, sirs!” Then he was cut off by Batman zipping over to his balls with his grappling hook and kicking them so hard that Dobby was undoubtedly sure he would never have children, even in his next life. “Oh yeah? Prove you're not Joker, Joker! Say something you… he would never say! Cum!”
Dobby thought for a while, even though it was pretty hard to do this, because Robin was still driving a sports car all over his junk. “We don't live in a society.”
Robin was so surprised that he crashed the Redbird into a vending machine and Ellen DeGeneres. “Holy this is still more likely to happen than a shark attack, Batman! He really isn't the Joker!”
“He had me fooled.” Batman shrugged, before picking Dobby off of the ground and lightly punching him in the balls. “Alright, Not-Joker, you've proven your innocence. Now where’s the real Joker?”
“Dobby doesn't know, but he does know that Joker was planning to see Harvey Dent!”
Batman beat his chest like a gorilla, burped twice, then slapped Dobby in the groin. “My god! That- that thing Harvey’s doing with the press conferences, and, and the other district attorney stuff! You know the one!”
“Wowsers, Batman!” Robin purchased a can of Diet Coke from the vending machine, and patted Ellen on the head. “I do know the one! We can't let Joker ruin it!”
“To the Batmobile!” Batman and Robin sprinted to their vehicle as fast as they could, dragging Dobby with them. Robin elbowed him in the nuts once they were inside the Batmobile.
Dobby gasped. “OW! Can you two stop hitting Dobby in the balls, now that you know Dobby isn't the Joker?!”
“No.” The two crime fighters said together, before Batman stepped on the accelerator.

Meanwhile, at the Gotham Building of Soon To Be Disrupted Press Conferences, the city’s district attorney was conducting a press conference that was soon to be disrupted. Harvey Dent smiled and waved to the crowds and their cameras, because that was the nice and politically correct thing to do during these kinds of things.
There were tons of questions coming in, like angry dogs that wanted to bite his scrotum, but he took them all on like a champ.
“Mr Dent! What is your opinion on the current political issue?” Vikki Vale asked, in a way that was both Vikki-ish and Vale-like.
Dent grinned charmingly. “My opinion is exactly the same opinion you have, but slightly less extreme.”
There was a massive round of applause. “Wow, he SO gets me!” Everyone said to each other.
“And what do you think of the most recent tragedy, Mr Dent?” Another journalist quizzed him.
Harvey took a moment of thought, before he delivered his answer. “I think it's pretty sad.”
The journalist was moved to tears by what he had said. “What a brave and stunning statement. Incredible.”
But then a super duper evil voice spoke up. “Hey, Mr Dent! I have a question too.”
The building went silent. Evil voices coming from the middle of crowds weren't usually a good sign, and everyone knew this.
Harvey’s bodyguards looked a bit suspicious, but he just gave a thumbs up and smiled again. “And what would that question be, my good person I don't want to accidentally misgender in case that gets me cancelled on Twitter?” A district attorney cannot distinguish between good and evil outside of court, because that would be cheating.
Suddenly, the Joker shoved through the crowd and leaped on to the stage. The guards almost grabbed ahold of him, but he reminded the guards that they were just part of a seldom updated fanfiction and weren't actually real people. “What do you get when you cross an immensely constipated clown with a district attorney who needs to eat shit?”
Harvey had a really big think, which was easier now that his security had all ceased to exist. After ten awkward minutes, he had an answer ready. “Diversity?”
Batman, Robin, and Dobby smashed through a window to Harvey’s right. “CHEESE IT, HARV!” Batman screamed as hard as he could.
“I'll tell you what you get!” Joker laughed an evil laugh, then turned his butt towards Harvey Dent. “YOU GET THE BIG POOPOO!”
Before Dobby or the superheroes could stop Joker, he took a deep breath, spread his ass cheeks wide open, then blasted out a colossal stream of faeces all over Harvey. It sounded like a big BRAP-A-PAAAAAAAAARPSSSHBLBLBUURRPBROOPPBFUUUUUUUSHHLORPBRRRRRRRREEEET!! Or something similar to that.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” Harvey howled in sudden terror and agony as half his entire body was covered in burning hot shit. Joker had eaten twelve metric tonnes of pork vindaloo, which had transformed his ass into an acid spewing weapon of mass destruction.
“This hurts me as much as it hurts you, Dent!” Joker laughed, while also crying because his butthole hurt worse than Hell was hot. The tears flowed from his eyes almost as hard as the viciously steaming kak flowing from his rear.
“Oh Dobby’s god!” Dobby gasped, trying to cover his eyes.
“You’ve gone too far this time, Joker!” Batman bellowed as he swung Dobby around like a sword. The house elf’s balls struck the villain on the head with an almighty KA-BLAM!
“NANANANANANANANABATMAAHAHOOWAGH!!” Dobby roared. His balls had once been used as a shield, but never as a weapon of war.
Robin tried to get the poop off Harvey, but it smelled too bad to touch. “Hell no, I'm not touching him!” He groaned while trying to cover his nose. “He smells worse than people who don't read Dobby’s Amazing Adventures!”
“Ew, that masked twink is right!” Vikki shouted. “That shit smells like shit!”
“No… Wait, I don't smell that bad…” Harvey wheezed, even if the rapidly hardening doodoo was making it hard for him to breath. “Ok, maybe I do, but at least I'm politically correct…”
“Don't worry, Mr Dent. The paramedics without noses are coming to help you.” Robin whispered to Harvey, but not too closely because he really did not want to have to smell more of the poop attack victim.

Meanwhile, Batman was still severely beating the Joker with Dobby’s balls. “So, you like shitting on district attorneys, do ya?”
“Ouch! Come on, Bats!” Joker coughed after Dobby’s balls had knocked out one of his front teeth. “You've gotta admit it was pretty funny!”
There was an icy glare from the vigilante. “Bats hate funny stuff. Especially smelly poopoo funny stuff.”
“Bother!” Dobby’s balls slapped him in the face.
“Dobby hates you, Joker!” Knowing he was the reason why Dobby’s balls were once again in peril. “Why would you do such a terrible thing to Master Dent?”
Robin leaned on a wall, crossed his arms, and did nothing else. “Yeah, why?”
The Joker shrugged evilly. “I dunno, I had nothing better to do until Saturday-” He was cut off by Dobby’s balls being used to knock all his teeth out.
“NYAH~!” Dobby immediately covered his mouth after that outburst.
Batman was not amused. “What the fuck, Not-Joker?”
Dobby blushed as Joker’s unconscious body crumpled on the floor like a deflated balloon full of evilness. “Oh crumbs. That doesn't usually happen when Dobby screams in agony, honest!”
Batman threw Dobby into a trash can. “You know what? I'm not enjoying this anymore. Come on, Robin. There are more ways we can offend people who unironically think my whole deal is flexing on poor people.”
“Holy barking up the wrong tree, Batman!”
And with that, the Dynamic Duo were gone. Dobby was very embarrassed, and couldn't even bring himself to get out of the trash can while Harvey Dent was taken to Arkham Hospital for the Un-criminally Smelly.
Dobby was never the same again.