Opening The Door
Remus had been laying on his sofa for hours, mindlessly watching some shitty movies from his telly and emptying his new cig pack one by one when someone knocked on the door. He was in the middle of lighting his sixth cigarette, he thought, when the slow, almost shy knocking came.
He craned his neck towards the door, unable to see anything over the backrest. He thought for a second if he’d imagined it. He hadn’t been paying attention to anything but burning his lips with the filter of each cig for hours, so it wouldn’t be surprising if his mind tricked him.
After not hearing anything for a few seconds, he turned his head back and focused on the telly. He was surprised to see an interview with David Bowie on the screen. He groaned as he threw down his cigarette and box of matches. Then he reached for the remote on the table and quickly turned it off. Silence was better, anyways. Maybe he could take a nap. He looked out of the window and saw it had gone dark. Maybe he’d just go to sleep, then.
Knock knock knock knock
Remus groaned again, this time sitting up. Black spots came up in his vision and he felt light headed for a moment. He rubbed one hand on his face, the other holding onto the couch for support.
Knock knock knock knock
It was faster now, no longer shy.
He looked at the clock on the wall that separated the kitchen from the living room. It was one in the morning. Who the hell knocked at one in the morning?
He stood up, cracking his back and neck. The moons had been worse, lately, more painful. Remus wasn’t sure how much longer his body could continue. The constant aching of his bones, the dread of having to face it alone, every time.. it was exhausting on top of painful. He could feel his body starting to give out; it took him longer to recover, both physically and mentally. The scars were thinner and wobblier, but he supposed it was a good thing the wolf had also become weaker.
Knock knock knock knock knock
Thud
Remus startled when he heard the kick at the door.
“Alri-” He started, but the word was barely audible.
He cleared his throat and yelled, “Alright, I’m coming!”
Remus crossed the small space to the door, muttering a not-so-quiet, “Fuck’s sake, it’s one in the fucking morning, what do you want, kicking my door like that?”
When he wrenched the door open, anything and everything he was about to say fell apart.
For years, he imagined this scenario. He played it out in his mind thousands of times, each time thinking of what to say and how to act. It came to the point where he’d dream about this, this exact moment. Him, standing in front of his door, telling Remus it wasn’t true, it was all fake- a dream, a nightmare, a prank , even. Anything to make it undone.
Then, when he couldn’t tell the difference between dreams - nightmares - and reality, Remus blocked it all out. He tried to forget, tried to convince himself nothing had ever happened. He’d heard once that you could convince your mind of anything, and he stuck to it. He convinced himself of nothingness. He erased it all, without ever having to use magic.
Was it back? Had he fallen asleep on the couch like a pathetic drunk, half smoked cigarette still in his mouth and once again stumbled on this dream? Was his body so weak that he couldn’t fight it off anymore?
Or was Sirius Black really standing in front of him, looking like death had come and sucked everything that made Sirius Sirius out of him.
For a moment, maybe longer, there was nothing. Just the two of them looking at each other. This was never how the dreams went.
Remus shut the door. He slammed it shut, pressing his body weight against it, terrified of what was on the other side. Terrified that it wouldn’t be there when he opened it again.
He wasn’t sure if he’d breathed since opening the door but now he gasped a large breath, sucking in as much fresh air as he could. He held it in, closed his eyes and rested his head on his forearms. Count. His therapist told him to count and then release the breath.
One, two, three, four -
knock knock
“Remus?”
Everything shattered.
Remus let out his breath in another gasp, unable to contain it any longer. He just-
He didn’t understand.
This had to be a dream. But how come it felt so much more like a nightmare? He’d never had a nightmare like this. Those were always-
Worse.
Better.
No. They were worse.
Were they?
“Remus, please, it’s me.” The voice was so soft and quiet, so unlike what Remus remembered of Sirius.
Pulling in another long breath, he straightened up. He blinked, finding tears rolling down his face. Quickly, he wiped them away, sniffling into his sweater sleeve.
He had to think rationally about this. Sirius Black, the cause for all his pain, was outside his door.
Sirius Black. The cause of so much pain. Outside. Right now.
Remus snapped his head up, urgently looking around. His wand. Goddamn it, his wand! He’d given up using magic after a while, only using his wand to apparate to safe spots during the full moons.
Fuck! Where’d he put it?!
He looked around, still pressing the door to his house shut, terrified.
“Remus. Please , let me in. I need to talk to you.”
Fuck fuck fuck.
He must’ve thrown it somewhere in his room when he got back. He’d been in so much pain he didn’t think to put it back in it’s place in the living room. Stupid stupid stupid.
“Accio wand,” he whispered, holding one arm out in the direction of his bedroom.
He was surprised when it came flying from the direction of his kitchen instead.
He pointed it towards the door, hands shaking. Actually, now that he noticed, his entire body was shaking.
Maybe he’d collapse and Sirius would leave.
Breathing shakily, he turned the doorknob. Slowly, ever so slowly, the door creaked open. It was a horribly eerie sound but Remus payed it no mind. When the door was open enough for Remus to see through, he saw Sirius standing there, arms around himself, face pleading with him.
Remus quickly looked away from his face.
Sirius didn’t make a move to come in the house, he merely stood on the porch, lit up by the single porch-light Remus had installed a few years before.
He opened the door fully, still holding on to the knob. His wand was pointed at Sirius and his mind was racing through every offensive spell he’d ever learnt.
“Remus, we need to talk.” Sirius’ voice was strained, maybe scared. Remus wasn’t sure if it was because of the wand pointed at him or the fact of having to see him again. Remus wasn’t sure for which reason he was scared, either.
“What could you possibly have to say to me?” Remus continued staring at Sirius’ hands, waiting to see if they’d move for anything. He wasn’t sure what he wanted from that question.
“It’s about Peter.”
His hand closed tighter around his wand and he clenched his jaw so hard he wasn’t sure if it’d ever open again.
“He’s not dead, Remus.”
Remus’ head snapped up to finally meet his eye. If he wasn’t so blinded by rage, he’d have taken in how horrible Sirius really looked. Sunken eyes, dead skin that looked cold to touch.
But Sirius had the nerve to come to Remus - the only one he didn’t kill, the only one who deserved to die but didn’t - and lie .
Sirius must’ve seen the rage, the hatred, in Remus’ face because he quickly ducked and raised his arms out in front of him, feigning innocence once again.
“Wait, wait, please . I can prove it! Please, just hear me out.”
“Hear you out?” Remus asked incredulously. “ Hear you out?! ”
Sirius flinched.
For a second, less than a second, really, Remus felt bad. Normally, he’d apologize and continue in a softer tone. But now he knew Sirius deserved to flinch. He deserved to suffer for what he’d done.
“You killed EVERYONE I ever cared about!” Tears were filling his eyes once again. “Gone! Dead! Marlene? Dorcas? Dead. Because of you.” Sirius took a step back and visibly shrank. Remus was glad.
“Alice and Frank? Fucking insane. Because of your fucking friends!” Sirius looked ashamed. Good. Finally Remus was able to say what he’d wanted to for years.
He leant closer, quieting his tone. “James and Lily?” He whispered, “They’re dead because you killed them. Their child is now an orphan. He’s alone. Because of you, Sirius.”
He leant back, wiping his face again.
“This is all because of you.”
Sirius was openly crying, now. Remus felt both pleased and ashamed.
“And now you come here, after all these fucking years and tell me that Peter is alive? Why?” His voice cracked, but he refused to stop.” Why, Sirius? Just to hurt me some more?”
“No!” Sirius yelled. “No, I swear, I never-” he chocked on his tears, “I- I never wanted this to happen- this wasn’t supposed to happen!”
“What the fuck was supposed to happen, then?!”
“ You were supposed to be the traitor!”
Sirius looked as shocked by that as Remus. He looked up, face red and wet with tears and snot.
“No, no, no, that’s not what I meant.” Sirius did what Sirius did best- he said something awful and tried to
backpedal.
Remus just stared at him, blinking away tears from his eyes to see clearly.
Sirius stepped closer, hands reached out, mouth open and ready to explain, but Remus cut him off.
“ I was supposed to be the traitor?” He asked, voice high and unbelieving.
“No, n- no, no, listen, please.”
Remus couldn’t listen now if he tried. He couldn’t think about anything except all those times Sirius told him that him being a werewolf didn’t matter, that he was beautiful, kind, and that it didn’t define him.
“So- so all those years..” he started, “All those fucking years you told me that being a werewolf didn’t mean I was a monster, that you loved me, trusted me, were lies.”
Sirius tried interrupting again- coming closer, shaking his head, repeating no over and over again.
“You thought that because I’m a werewolf- that I’d-” Remus broke off, not being able to finish his sentence.
He couldn’t believe the man he once loved more than anyone thought nothing more of him but a monster.
“Wow,” was all he could say now. He closed his eyes again, just breathing. He was tired.
“Remus, I never thought you were a monster.” He sounded so broken, so childlike.
“Yeah, well that doesn’t mean much when it’s coming from a murderer.”
Sirius didn’t answer for a while. Remus continued breathing, counting.
Remus opened his eyes to see his arm holding the wand had fallen back to his side. He wondered when that had happened. Then he looked back to Sirius, once again avoiding his face.
He stepped closer to Remus, trying to find his eyes. Eventually he gave up trying. He took a breath and said, “Have you read the latest Daily Prophet ?”
Remus scrunched his face in confusion. “I- no. I, erm, I’m not connected to the magical world anymore.”
“Peter, or rather Wormtail, is in it.”
Remus’ head snapped up, searching Sirius’ gaze for the lie. He’d looked at Sirius’ face hundreds of times, trying to find the trick in his words. He used to be easy to read- or at least so Remus thought back in Hogwarts. Now his distant eyes, still red and shiny from the tears, seemed so different yet still similar.
Remus couldn’t find a lie in them.
“I, uh, what? How? He’s- he’s dead.”
Sirius stayed quiet. Remus could tell he was biting his inner cheek to avoid exploding.
“Will you let me explain? Please?”
Remus was tired. And maybe he was still stupid and hopeful. Maybe he thought this could end up like his dreams. Maybe he just couldn’t say no to Sirius, not when there was a chance. Whatever the reason for it, whatever justification he’d try to think of later, Remus nodded and stepped aside, letting Sirius enter his home, his life, once again.