All That's Left
1995
I spend the entire day sitting at the kitchen table, first talking to Harry, and then hearing from Sirius everything that has happened.
Molly brings me a calming draught after I can’t stop crying for nearly an hour.
So many lives ruined. So many mistakes.
“Eddie died trying to save you.”
Trying.
“Peter was made the secret keeper because we thought it was the safest option.”
Safest.
“It all happened so quickly. There was nothing any of us could do.”
Nothing to do.
Sirius excuses himself under the guise of checking on Harry. Except I think he just can’t stand to be in the same room as me any longer.
I know it isn’t fair that I am angry with him. That he has been just as much a victim in all of this. But he was supposed to be there for Harry. Not get himself locked in Azkaban.
Harry grew up just like me. No idea of the life he was born into.
I need a wand. Voldemort has risen again. The people I care about are still in danger.
A door opens and closes and I close my eyes, hoping whoever it is doesn't come into the kitchen.
No such luck. The door opens and quiet footsteps enter.
“Connie?”
His voice is the same.
I whip around and launch myself into his arms.
He stumbles back but I don’t let go.
“Remus,” I cry into his shoulder, his tall frame encompassing me.
His arms finally relax and wrap around me, pulling me into his earthy scent.
“I can’t believe you are alive,” he murmurs.
Finally, we pull apart and I look at his face.
“You look exactly the same, Remus.”
He shakes his head and chuckles. “Filthy and exhausted?”
It’s true, he does look a little worse for wear. His clothes are too big and his hair is a mess. He has a few new scrapes and bruises.
“Like I said, exactly the same.”
“You too,” he looks me up and down.
“A healthy lifestyle,” I joke.
He cringes.
“I’m so sorry, Connie. You should never have been trapped like that.”
Tears spill again. I hate when Remus apologizes. He’s done it since we were eleven years old. He would take the blame for his idiotic friends and act like he was a burden to everyone.
“No apologies. Not from you. I’ll let Sirius apologize until he is blue in the face, but no more from you, Remus Lupin.”
“You sound like Molly,” he sits down and I realize he is probably healing from a recent full moon. I have no idea what day it is, let alone the moon cycle.
I put my hand over my cup and try desperately to take the last remaining drops of my tea and turn them into a hot earl grey.
Pulling my hand away, I smile, relieved to see my magic still works.
“You always were a show-off,” he compliments, taking the tea gratefully.
“Even still, I need a wand.”
“We can go tomorrow.”
He makes everything so easy. He’d always been such a supportive friend. Early on, before he trusted me with his secret, I thought he was so mysterious. He had every right to push people away, but he managed to be vulnerable.
I was always envious of that.
“Sirius told me you were staying someplace else,” I say, hoping he realizes the question hidden in the statement.
“It’s closer to work,” he looks down. I guess he is going to be as obtuse about this as Sirius.
“You’re a wizard. Apparate.”
“Connie, it’s complicated,” he says with pain clear on his face.
“He made a mistake, Remus, get over it.”
It’s harsh. I know that. But I've listened to Sirius explain the pain he caused Remus.
“It isn’t him,” he whispers. “I didn’t trust him. For twelve years I believed that he betrayed them. That he was capable of it.”
I swallow. They have been in their own prisons.
Before I can attempt to dispel that idiotic sentiment, the door opens.
“Sorry,” Sirius says when he sees Remus.
He comes in and sits on my other side, barely looking at Remus.
“There isn't a lot we can do is there?” I lean back, feeling helpless.
“We can keep Harry safe,” Sirius says.
Remus and I nod.
Except I’ll have to speak to Dumbledore. Harry can’t go back to his aunt’s house. I’d rather spend another thirteen years in that box than send him there again.
“He’s just like them, isn’t he? Self-sacrificing little git.”
They both humor me with a laugh.
The three of us sit in silence, and I imagine they are remembering a lot of the same things I am. James and Lily’s wedding. The nontraditional red and gold baby announcement.
Harry being born.
Picnics with all of us passing him around like a precious gift.
Talking about the future like it was guaranteed.