It happened again.
It was the third time this week that Sirius had come down to the Publishing House.
Granted, he would frequent this street because the building Remus worked, was the same one that had their favourite bookstore.
Sirius would often make a stop there, only to come home with another book Remus did not even remember mentioning. But that wasn’t the case this time. It wasn’t the previous one, or the one before that.
The reason was Sirius’ jealousy. Because Remus loved his job, he adored it and he had worked hard for it. He had earned it and he was proud of it.
He knew that he was spending a lot of time there lately, but he had to get the hang of it real quick, and he enjoyed doing so. He was not a workaholic, just something that needed to be done until he got familiar with the way things worked. Bless Thomas and his will to help Remus adapt so quickly.
And that was where the problem laid. Sirius was jealous of Thomas. Remus couldn’t really understand why. Thomas was good-looking, yes. He had brown hair cut very short, blue eyes and a charming smile. He was young, a good looking lad and even wore a piercing. But he was not Sirius. Sirius should have known this. Remus didn’t want anyone that wasn’t Sirius.
But the man was dense. At first it was cute and flattering. How Sirius would make childish remarks about the other man when Remus talked about his day. But then he started visiting too.
During the first visit, he had brought flowers. Remus had melted and kissed him sweetly. He already had plans to go to lunch with Thomas and Mary, because they wanted to discuss the latest manuscripts they had gone through. Maybe it didn’t help that during that visit Thomas had congratulated Remus in front of Sirius about his work a total of 5 times. Sirius was proud of him, but Remus could see that he was bitter about it. Sirius had frowned a bit, but understood and left shortly after that.
The second visit was two days later. Sirius had brought flowers, a new book, some chocolates and his smile. Remus had already had his lunch break, and Thomas being hunched over his desk, looking over Remus’ shoulder at his computer screen didn’t help much. The close proximity didn’t sit well with Sirius, who was being passive-aggressive towards Thomas, smiling sweetly while talking to him, in that patronising way Remus knew too well.
Thomas didn’t seem intimidated though, and kept being kind. Maybe he was oblivious ,maybe he acted like it. Either way, Remus felt uncomfortable with the way Sirius lightly pushed Thomas out of the way, and gave Remus a passionate kiss, a bit too over the top for a work office. Remus sighed when Sirius left. Sirius was a little put-off when he came home that night.
But today was the last straw. The office was in total chaos. Two manuscripts were lost, one was sent out to the wrong email address, and for some reason, a delivery service had unloaded dozens of books in their office that Remus was pretty sure were supposed to be shipped to the bookstore occupying the floor beneath theirs.
Everyone was running around, phone calls were being made, even more phones were ringing, Remus had been asked by some woman on the phone what kind of underwear he was wearing when he tried to make sense of why a bunch of books were sitting in their office. His mind was working miles a minute, he had accidentally sent an apology email to a client instead of Mrs.McGonagall who was his boss, and Thomas had managed to spill tea which made Remus literally jump in order to save a manuscript and a few books from soaking wet. So it was natural for Remus’ first reaction when he saw Sirius walk in with a bunch of roses, chocolates, a stuffed black dog and a pic-nic basket to be; “Not now, Sirius.”
It had taken the downhill from there. Sirius was being cheerful, Thomas was frowning, Mary was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and Remus was losing his mind.
Maybe if Sirius hadn’t insisted on having lunch together, he would not have yelled. Maybe if Thomas hadn’t chosen that time to yell from the other side of the office “Remus, I need you!” Sirius would not have gotten that mad. Maybe if Mary had not told him how romantic he was, Remus would not have made a bitter comment, making Sirius frown. And maybe if Sirius had not grabbed him and kissed him while he was talking to Thomas, maybe he would not have kicked him out of his office.
Maybe.
But it happened. He realised he had not had much time with Sirius lately.He realised he had almost had lunch with Thomas every day of the past week. And he realised that it was a new occurrence to their relationship, considering the working hours and colleagues Remus used to have.
But Remus’ work was not a joke to him. It was his. It was only his and Sirius’ jealousy was being inconvenient. Because it was the only reason Sirius was being so obnoxious. He was romantic, yes. But not in that way. Never in that way. And that was not a typical act of romance for Sirius, it was him marking his territory, and Remus would have none of it.
---
Remus walked in the flat to find Sirius sulking on the couch, James sitting next to him, talking in hushed tones. Both men turned to look at him, James acknowledging him with a small smile and Sirius turning his gaze down his lap.
He left his satchel on the kitchen table and walked towards the living room, standing next to them, looking at Sirius. Sirius, sensing his eyes on him, looked back at him with a frown, the corners of his mouth turned downwards sadly. He looked like a kicked puppy.
“I’d better be off. Lily should be home by now.” James offered gently before giving Sirius a brief hug goodbye.
“Give her a kiss from me.” Remus smiled softly when James stood up and moved towards him, hugging him back.
“Night Moony. Night Padfoot.” He said walking to the door.
“Bye Prongs.”
“Night James.”
Remus was the first to look away when he moved to sit next to Sirius on the couch. He was still mad, of course. But the way Sirius moved slightly away from him, and moved his gaze back to his lap made Remus want to hug some sense into him.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” He mumbled quietly.
Remus sat back and looked at him for a while, the way the light from the telly fell across the sharp lines of his face, washing him in blue. Sirius took a deep breath and turned a little in his seat before speaking.
“I’m sorry.”
Remus did not say anything.
“I was a jerk.”
“Big jerk.” Remus hummed, making Sirius snort sadly.
“Big jerk.” He agreed with a nod, looking at his hands.
“Sirius, I love my job-”
“I know and I’m so so-”
“No, let me finish.” Remus said, leaning forward, making Sirius nod eagerly and stay quiet, still looking at his hands.
“I love my job. It’s mine and I’m doing well and I want to do even better. And I know it’s different for our dynamic because it’s nothing like my last job, and now I have colleagues and people to have lunch with, people who I can talk to about work at a professional level. And I’m sorry if it’s hard for you to get used to. I’m willing to help you. But that’s all I’m apologising for because you have to work with me too, here.”
“I know.” He said quietly.
“Sirius you...You can’t keep showing up to my workplace like that. You can’t keep trying to mark your territory-”
“I was not!”
“Yes. Yes,you were.”
“I was being romantic.” He frowned even deeper and Remus looked at him tiredly, a little irritated at his antics.
“You were not. You’re being romantic by paying attention to the little things. You’re being romantic by hearing me talk about all the nerdy things you don’t give a shit about. You’re being romantic when…when you wake me up with small kisses and cuddle me when I’m sick and snotty and buy me books and chocolate and sleep in my jumpers because they smell like me. You don’t do these things. You don’t do grand gestures and passionate kisses in an office and pic-nic baskets because that’s not you.” He finished.
Sirius stayed silent, biting the inside of his cheek.
“And I never asked you to either. So yes, you were marking your territory because you’re being jealous. But Sirius it's an office. When I ask you to leave….when I’m working-you can’t do these things.” He added quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said so.” He sighed, resting back in his seat and rubbing his eyes. It felt like talking to a wall.
A few minutes of silence passed, the conversations coming from the telly filling in the quietness of the flat. Just as Remus was about to give up and just go, have a shower and call it a night, Sirius spoke.
“I mean it. I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”
Remus nodded and took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry I came over there and acted like I did. I never meant to ruin it for you, I know you love your job and I couldn’t be prouder of you for getting it. I want you to have friends, colleagues and a career. You deserve it. More than anyone.” He explained quietly.
“But?” Remus prompted.
“But...You have to realise Remus that whole…Thomas thing it’s just...It’s hard for me and I-”
“Why is it hard for you? Sirius, we've known each other since we were eleven. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now. I’ve had busy weeks like that too before, I…I don’t understand.” He snorted incredulously .
“Well...I’m still afraid I’m going to lose you.” He admitted quietly, making Remus’ resolve break.
“But why?” Remus moved a little closer to him. “Sirius, I never gave you anything to worry about. Thomas is just a co-worker and I….I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”
“You didn’t! I know…” He shook his head before taking a deep breath, lifting his gaze and looking at Remus solemnly. “It’s just I…I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and the mere thought of someone else wanting you and-and me losing you to them-” His breath hitched and he quickly rubbed a hand over his beautiful face.
“You never gave me anything to worry about. This has nothing to do with you it’s just that I-” his breath hitched again and Remus could see it, see the tears threatening to spill over his face “I can’t stand the thought of you not being with me, and seeing you so independent and worshipped by another man just…God this shouldn’t be about me.” He croaked, his voice breaking right before tears started rolling down his cheeks, a sob escaping his mouth.
Remus wanted to hug him and comfort him and forget everything but his conversation had to be made. They were in a relationship and they had to make it work.
“Sirius, I don't want to be without you. I can’t be without you.”
“You can.” He said between sobs. “And you should, be-because that’s you and I’m proud of you I just have a-a hard time realising it.”
“Love, I don’t want to be without you,” He finally reached for him, both his hands framing his crying face, thumbs wiping gently the tears away. “I want to flourish in my job, make new friends and go a long way and I want you to be here for all of it. I can’t do it without you here. I don’t want you not being here. But that-Please, stop crying..”He asked gently.
Apparently it didn’t work because Sirius slumped forward in Remus’ embrace and started shaking more violently, sobs escaping from his mouth and him clutching Remus as if he’d disappear any second now.
Remus shushed him quietly, stroking his back and placing occasional kisses on top of his head just like he did when Sirius was stressed about family matters.
Sirius, seemingly calmer than moments before, took a deep breath and leaned back, wiping his tears and taking a few deep breaths to stabilise his breathing.
“That doesn’t mean I want you overshadowing everything else in my life. Even if you’re the most important part of it.” Remus continued, and Sirius nodded intensely while still wiping away his tears.
“I’m sorry I yelled. On my end, I’ll try to make you feel less excluded and make more time for us.” He added, and leaned in to place a kiss on Sirius’ forehead.
“I don’t-I don’t want you to be sweet to me because I start crying. I wasn’t trying to be manipulative, I-” Remus interrupted Sirius rambling by placing his palm over his mouth.
“You’re not. You’ve never been. All you did was confine your worries to me. That’s what couples do, yes?”
Sirius nodded and slumped a little, letting out a deep sigh.
“Just..next time talk to me, yes? We shouldn’t get to that point again. Tell me what you worry about, even if you think it’s stupid.”
“Can I kiss you now?” Sirius asked quietly, reminding Remus of little Harry whenever he asked, quite impatiently, for ice cream after dinner.
Remus replied by closing the space between them, wrapping his arms protectively around Sirius’ waist and kissing him sweetly, slowly, lovingly.
Sirius pulled back after a moment, a look of worry on his face that let Remus know that it was not over.
“What is it?” He asked, placing another kiss on Sirius’ forehead, feeling his whole body relax under it.
“You know that every relationship I’ve ever been in ended at some point-”
“Lucky me.” Remus grinned, making Sirius smile for the first time in a while, then sober up right after.
“It was because of me every time.”
“Sirius, no-”
“Yes. Yes it was because I always end up being clingy, and-and loud and too much.” He said ,repeating the words his family had spat at him insultingly over the years. And Remus’ heart ached.
“Pads, all these things you’re presenting to me as your deep flaws are the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place. You’re...you’re everything to me.”
And Sirius looked at him with so much love. With a look so desperate, desperate to believe him. And he looked so unconvinced and fragile and all Remus wanted to do was take him to bed, and whisper into his mouth, into his skin, every inch of him, how loved he was. How Remus’ loved had only grown over the years, would never waver, just overwhelm him more day by day. Everytime the sun would come up, everytime Sirius would say ‘goodmorning moons’ with that sleepy voice, every time he’d tighten his hold on him and cuddle him closer, everytime Sirius kissed him, everytime he smiled, laughed, breathed, everytime he was Sirius, Remus would fall for him harder, and harder and more and more, he’d ache with how much love he felt for that man. And he’d kiss him back in an attempt to show him the love he felt for him, the beautiful safe feeling that overflowed from inside his core.
“It’s feels that’s all I’ve been lately-”
“You’ve been jealous. Those are very different things. But you’ve still been you, silly worries and all.” He teased with a smile, making Sirius snort.
“I won’t stop loving you Sirius. I won’t stop wanting you or needing you here.”He said quietly, looking intently inside his eyes. The liquid grey glistening with shed tears, and hope and love that Remus recognised all too well.
“I’m sorry for everything.” And then Remus was enveloped in a tight hug, one he reciprocated and could only hope would serve as a healing potion to the wounds all the broken pieces inside of him had caused.
“I love you.” Remus placed a tiny kiss on his shoulder, to which Sirius reacted by hugging him tighter.
“I love you so, so much.”He murmured.
Remus then pulled back to look at him, and in the cheeky way he knew always worked, spoke. “Will you give me a smile?”
And Sirius barked out a laugh like he always did, not as vibrant as he would laugh at a joke, or a prank, or something else. But it was the same heartwarming sound, the one that made Remus’ insides to burn with love, his mouth turn into a smile and his mind unable to function and think anything else than He’s laughing, he’s beautiful, he’s everything, I love him, I love him, Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.
And when they moved to bed, they hugged each other close, and Remus whispered all the things he wanted to in Sirius’ skin. And when the morning came, the sun had risen. And Sirius mumbled his goodmorning, and cuddled Remus closer by tightening his hold on him, and placed a kiss on the back of his neck. And Remus loved him.
Yeah, they’d be okay. They were okay.