“Jesus fucking Christ!”
Sirius laughed at the odd expression as he hugged 12 year old Remus tighter around the back. Watching happily as the tension drained from his shoulders.
Sirius always noticed the tension in Remus’ shoulders. Always there, for the first little while. And then, as weeks turned into months and Remus got closer with the other three boys, sometimes the tension would wash away and his smile would be a little wider and his laugh a little louder.
And when the secret came out about Remus’ lycanthropy and Sirius hugged the crying boy, the tension disappeared again.
So by second year, he made a point of touching Remus as much as possible, always delighting in the slight lowering of his shoulders and release of breath. Sirius found that he, too, found comfort in touching Remus, before he understood why. Running his hands through Remus’ - his Moony’s - unbelievably soft curls, letting his hand rest at the nape of Moony’s neck as his fingers twined in the little curls that hung there. Hugging him before full moons and holding his hand in the hospital wing afterwards.
He always delighted when he could sneak up on Moony and make him say one of his silly muggle phrases in surprise. “Jesus fucking Christ, Sirius Black!”
And then, something changed. Remus smiled at him one day over the breakfast table in 6th year, with his soft dimples and too-big sweater that showed his pale collarbones and Sirius realized that he was quite in love with him. It wasn’t as terrifying a realization as it seemed, though. He supposed he always felt that way, it was simply the first time he acknowledged it. That still didn’t stop him from bolting from the dining hall in a panic over the realization that his love was wholly unrequited.
A few days later, summer vacation started and he had to return to Grimmauld Place. A few days after that, he showed up at James’ door with a limp, a bloody nose and a confession about his discovered sexuality. All three Potters embraced him as if he was their own and it didn’t fix everything, but it made all the pain bearable.
Sirius filled out that summer, too, growing both in height and muscle. He discovered an affinity for leather jackets and pierced his nose. He found immense satisfaction in rubbing it in James’ face that he finally had to shave in the mornings, like a real man, and noticed that his jawline was sharper. When he arrived at the Hogwarts Express, the girls all turned their heads. He didn’t care, of course, he was in search of a certain tawny haired werewolf.
When he spotted Moony, he couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face and crinkled his eyes. Moony, though, didn’t smile back. His shoulders climbed high with tension as he spotted Sirius, slightly slack-jawed. Sirius began to feel a rush of something dreadful as he stepped up to the other boy.
“Hey, Moons!” he exclaimed as he threw his arms around Remus. For the first time since first year, Remus’ shoulders didn’t lower in comfort due to one of Sirius’ hugs. The pit in his stomach grew.
“Are you okay?” Sirius asked, unable to hide the insecurity in his voice.
Remus smiled, his eyes looking anywhere but at Sirius and a slight crimson tint to his tanned, freckled cheekbones.
“Yeah, m’alright, Pads,” Remus replied in that gruff voice of his, making Sirius’ blood rush, which was quite unfair.
They boarded the train and Sirius couldn’t help but keep stealing glances at Moony, a worried expression probably plastered all over his face. He let it be, and made a foolish attempt not to cast glances at Remus during dinner, with no success for Remus seemed to be a magnet. That night, he tried to sidle up next to Moony on the couch in the common room and Remus stiffened. Feeling utterly dejected, Sirius ran upstairs mumbling an excuse about unpacking and, for the first time since before he was kicked out of Grimmauld Place, he began to cry.
It continued on like that for three weeks. Every time Sirius tried to initiate contact- which used to release Remus’ tension- Remus stiffened. One day, he threw an arm around Remus’ shoulders in a hallway and Remus’ shoulders shot up and he snapped.
“What the fuck is wrong, Moony?”
“W-what?”
“Sorry,” he said, taking a slightly calmer voice. “It’s just-“ he sighed in defeat, “why don’t you want me to touch you anymore?”
Remus’ eyes cringed and that was all Sirius needed to see to know that he hadn’t been imagining Remus’ avoidance.
“I-“ Remus began saying, but he didn’t, or perhaps couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Whatever’s going on, you can tell me. Was it something I did?” Sirius asked gently.
“No! No, Sirius. No, you’re great! You’re perfect! I mean-“
Remus slumped against the corridor wall and put his head in his hands. “Jesus Christ,” Sirius heard the tawny haired boy mutter into his palms.
Sirius slowly guided the two of them so they were sitting on the floor, their backs to the wall and their knees touching.
Right as Sirius was about to start trying to comfort Remus, he spoke up
“MmGmm” he murmured behind his hands.
“What, Moony?” Sirius said with a little laugh.
Remus’ shoulders rose higher in tension and his hands gripped in his hair, pulling.
“Hey,” Sirius cooed, carefully taking Remus’ wrists and moving them from his face, waiting until Remus looked him in the eyes.
“I’m… I’m gay, Sirius.”
Sirius looked at Remus in shock.
“Really?” He asked, breathless with shock and poorly concealed excitement.
Remus’ eyebrows furrowed as he nodded.
“Me too,” Sirius all but whispered, still staring at Remus in awe.
“Wait. What? Really?”
Sirius laughed, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
“Yeah, that’s kinda why they kicked me out. My parents, I mean,”
“Oh, Pads,” Remus said.
“No, no. I’m glad I’m out of there. The Potters have been amazing.”
“Yeah, I reckon they’re a better family for you,” Remus said, warming Sirius’ insides. Sirius hummed in agreement. “And you know Pete and I are here for you, too, right?”
“Yeah, thanks Moony.”
“And- and I’m sure you’ll find a boyfriend who loves you just as much as I- as we do”
Sirius looked at Remus.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“I actually have someone in mind,” Sirius replied, a little breathless.
Remus looked back at Sirius.
“Oh. I’m… happy for you, Padfoot,” he said, emotionless.
“Don’t you wanna know who it is?”
“No.” Remus said forcefully, pushing up from the floor so he was standing. Sirius scrambled up but Remus was muttering something about having to go to the library and before he knew it, he was standing alone in the corridor.
That’s when it hit him. Of course Remus hated Sirius touching him now, he knew that Sirius was in love with him!
Two more weeks pass by of unbearable awkwardness. Just because Moony was gay did not mean that he returned Sirius’ feelings. Sirius decided to avoid Remus at all costs, so as not to make the other boy uncomfortable. He began to put a silencing charm up in his bed each night, knowing that at some point, it would all get to be too much and he’d have a panic attack right there over losing his best friend. Every night.
None of that stops him from being painfully aware of Remus whenever they’re in the same room. He wants to pull his hair out when he looks up and finds Remus staring straight at him. His mind tells him that the concerned look paired with the high blush on Remus’ cheeks must be second hand embarrassment for not returning Sirius’ feelings.
For those two weeks, Sirius does a decent job of making sure that he and Remus don’t end up in the same room together. But, one night, he walks into the dorm room to find Remus on his bed. Alone.
“Padfoot,” Remus gasps wildly, like he was expecting Sirius to disappear out of thin air if he didn’t address him quickly enough.
Feeling like a stag caught in headlights, Sirius nods stiffly, his eyes on the floor.
“Why won’t you look at me,” Remus said, his voice cracking. Sirius’ head shot up and before he knew it, he was kneeling before Remus, cursing his innate nature to take care of Moony no matter what circumstance.
“I’m just trying to make you more comfortable,” Sirius whispers, his body full of tension and his eyes cast towards the floor.
“Padfoot, look at me, what do you mean?” Remus said in an unsteady voice.
Sirius begrudgingly looked into Remus’ wide brown eyes and instantly felt tears swimming at the bottom of his vision. He wished that Remus’ eyes weren’t so goddamn comforting, he wished that there was someone else he could want to be with.
“This,” Sirius said, gesturing heavily around them as his voice broke, “I want this to go away. I’m- I’m just so sorry, Moony. I know it’s awkward for you but all I care about is our friendship and-“
“Woah, woah, come here Pads,” Remus replied, pulling Sirius up from the floor and letting him sit next to him on the edge of Sirius’ bed.
Sirius took a deep breath, about to start explaining himself, when Remus held up a finger. Confused, Sirius waited for Remus to begin talking, his heart breaking as he noticed that the tawny haired boy’s hands were shaking.
“When you touch me,” Remus began, and Sirius braced himself for the embarrassment, “when you touch me, I can’t think straight.”
Slowly, Sirius raised his head, searching Remus’ soft brown eyes wildly for some sort of further explanation.
“You’re everything, Sirius.”
Sirius was caught in his own body, no words forming, only slight chills running up and down his spine.
“Everything?” He said, after a few moments.
Remus lost the crease between his eyebrows as he smiled a small little thing and brought his shaking hand up to Sirius’ red-tinged cheekbones.
“Yeah… everything”
Sirius shivered all over, his wide eyes looking deep into Remus’ gentle ones as his heart beat more intensely than he could ever imagine it could.
Carefully, Sirius brought his hands to either side of Remus’ waist, looking down with a small smile as if to ask if it was alright. When Remus responded by grazing his thumb over Sirius’ cheekbone, Sirius tilted his head into the movement and slid his hands lightly up Remus’ sides and over his shoulders, pulling him into a hug.
The two boys melted together, chuckling breathlessly at their own tenderness. Sirius dug the side of his face into Remus’ delicate neck and collarbones, deeply breathing in the scent of him as the two found their way to a lying position on the bed. Remus was shaking below him, and so he simply held on tighter.
“Please just kiss me already,” Remus said after a few moments of heavy breathing, both of their bodies relaxed into each other, even if their heartbeats weren’t.
And so he did. And maybe Remus kissed with just a bit too much tongue, but that was all Sirius wanted. Remus rolled them over so that he was covering Sirius as he grabbed both Sirius’ hands, placing them on either side of his head and holding them with something akin to possession but held so much sweetness that Sirius was sure he was going to have a heart attack. Remus licked into his mouth with gentle, reckless abandon and Sirius was too far gone to stifle the high pitched sounds that he emitted as he chased the feeling.
“Sirius,” Remus breathed into Sirius’ mouth, his hips beginning a slow rhythm that Sirius couldn’t help but respond to eagerly. Sirius whined at the feeling, earning him a long bite on his lower lip that made his hips jerk up subconsciously.
“Sirius, Sirius,” Remus repeated in what Sirius knew was a halfhearted attempt to make the two of them slow down and talk about what was happening. But Remus’ kissing only got fiercer and stronger and Sirius wasn’t going to be the one to stop this.
He faintly registered an emptiness in his hands as Remus let them go and began roaming his hands all over Sirius’ body. He felt the strong pressure gliding over his sides, his stomach, his thighs as Remus pulled them around himself, earning a loud groan from the raven haired boy. Their lower halves moved in tandem as Sirius threw his head back and thrilled at the feeling of Remus mouthing all over his neck, biting and licking and kissing and making Sirius nearly pass out as he babbled incoherently.
Remus was so there, so strong and present above him. Every movement rocked Sirius deeper into the mattress and as Remus pinned Sirius’ hands back to his pillow, he felt his stomach heat up unbearably as shivers ran repeatedly up and down his spine. His face was on fire.
“Shh, shhh,” Remus repeated as they breathed into each others mouths, and Sirius knew he must have been making noise but he was too far gone, too far gone.
“You’re everything,” Remus said in an almost-panicked tone, grabbing Sirius and hugging him as he sucked on a spot below Sirius’ ear that brought actual stars to Sirius’ eyes. The next thing Sirius knew, Remus was lying on top of him, breathing heavily and clutching him like he was going to disappear.
He ignored his body’s desire to get out of his now-soiled clothes as he turned Remus so that the two were facing each other on their sides and looked into Remus lovely brown eyes.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Remus Lupin.”