Chapter Five
When Snape next woke, Lupin was gone. Madam Pomfrey discharged him with a knowing look in her eyes which Snape blatantly ignored although he felt his cheeks heating slightly.
He strode back to his chambers and changed into a new pair of clothes and undid the bandages, throwing them into the bin. Pulling his long sleeves firmly over his arms to hide his now slightly faded injuries, he strode from his room and made his way to Lupin’s office. He had several things he wished to discuss with him and there was no time like the present. When he reached the door of his office he stopped as he was about to knock.
He heard voices on the inside although they were muffled so he flicked his wand, now safely back in his possession, over his ear so he could listen. It wasn’t eavesdropping, it was just a precautionary measure although against what Snape wasn’t sure.
With slight disgust he realised that the other voice belonged to Potter. He only registered it briefly before the next words spoken by Lupin stole all his attention.
“I’ve not been sacked, Harry. I resigned.”
“What, why?!”
“It seems that somebody let slip the nature of my condition and when the owls go out tomorrow, parents will not want… well, someone like me teaching their children.”
“But Dumbledore –“
“Dumbledore has already risked enough on my behalf. Besides, people like me are… well, let’s just say that I’m used to it by now.”
There was a pause and the clunking and clicking of what sounded like a suitcase shutting itself together.
“Why do you look so miserable, Harry?”
“None of it made any difference. Pettigrew escaped.”
Snape could hear the dejected tone of Potter’s voice, the defeat. On another day he would have relished it but right now he stood irritated outside of the door, wanting to get to his own business with Lupin as quickly as possible.
“’Didn’t make any difference’? Harry, it made all the difference in the world!”
Snape heard the hopeful tone of encouragement in Lupin’s voice and his irritation doubled at Potter being the one at its receiving end.
“You helped uncover the truth” Lupin continued, “you helped save an innocent man from a terrible fate!” He chuckled in disbelief, “it made a great deal of difference.”
Lupin grunted, as if lifting something heavy off of the table, and walked closer to the office door. “If I am proud of anything it is of how much you have learnt this year. Now, since I am no longer your teacher, I feel no guilt whatsoever by giving this back to you.”
Snape cocked his head slightly, give what back? He wondered.
“So now I’ll say goodbye, Harry. I feel sure we’ll meet again sometime. Till then… Mischief Managed.”
Snape scowled to himself at the realisation of what they must have been discussing was. That infernal piece of parchment! He huffed.
He was so caught up in thoughts of tossing the map into the fire that he didn’t hear the heavy footsteps approaching the door until it swung open, leaving him face to face with a somewhat surprised Remus Lupin.
“Severus!” He exclaimed.
Snape saw Potter tense behind Lupin through the open door and scowled to himself again.
“I want a word with you.”
Snape clasped Lupin’s wrist more aggressively than he intended and began dragging him away towards the dungeons and his own chambers. The small amount of luggage Lupin was carrying with him cluttered in his grip, banging against their legs as Severus kept on pulling him away.
“Wait, Severus! Where are we going?!” He yelped helplessly, but he got no answer until they reached the dungeon level and he was practically flung from Severus’ grasp into a room, dropping his bag from the force.
“Severus, just what is the meaning –”
He cut himself short as he glanced quickly around the room and realised that he was in Severus’ private chambers. He didn’t know why but he felt a blush creep up his neck. He shook himself and cleared his throat.
“What is it you want with me, Severus?”
Snape glowered at him menacingly. The door suddenly slammed shut behind him but he didn’t flinch.
“You intended on leaving without informing me?” He hissed.
Lupin shuffled his feet nervously. “I… I didn’t want to bother you.”
Snape felt blood rush to his head and rage filled him. “’Bother me’?!” He roared, “’bother me’! You didn’t think I’d be more bothered by your sudden disappearance? Not knowing where you’d gone or even if you were alive?”
Lupin kept shuffling his feet. “Madam Pomfrey told me you’d woken up so I knew you’d seen me alive.” He muttered.
Snape suddenly advanced on him. Lupin backed away quickly, slightly afraid of this change in Severus, and bumped his legs against the side of the bed, falling to a sitting position. Snape loomed over him.
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
He reached out his hand and swiftly pulled up Lupin’s sleeve. Fresh bouts of red raw skin bloomed along his arm, the lines cut harsh and straight. Snape dropped that arm and reached over to the other one, pulling it up. The same view greeted him. Lupin said nothing. Severus released his arm and he let it lie limp on the bed. Shame began to fill Remus’ heart.
Snape looked on as Lupin drooped his head, not willing to look up at him. Silence filled the room and seemed to rest heavily on Lupin’s shoulders with each passing moment, as if Severus’ accusations carried an unseen weight that Lupin couldn’t bear to hold any longer.
“I hurt you.” Lupin whispered.
The words cut through the quiet and it seemed as though a veil had lifted between Snape and Lupin, as though Lupin was finally beginning to let Snape see himself properly for the first time since their reunion.
“I hurt you so I needed to hurt me too.”
He kept staring down, refusing to meet Snape’s eyes, defeat slumping in his shoulders. Snape slowly bent down in front of Lupin, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Lupin flinched slightly at the touch but soon relaxed into it as comfort flooded through his weary body from his hand.
“You’ve already hurt enough, Remus. Don’t hurt yourself for me.”
Remus looked up at Snape, anguish and regret were etched into each wrinkle on his face, his eyes were pools of sorrow. “I almost turned you into a monster.”
“But you didn’t.”
Remus shook his head. “You don’t understand, Severus. If I had bitten you…” A sob tore from his throat and his shoulders began to shake, “Oh gods Severus, if I had bitten you I… I’d never forgive myself. I can’t forgive myself.”
He buried his face in his hands, sobbing as the realisation of what could have happened bound him in agonising shame. Severus reached around Remus’ back and gently pulled him into a hug, placing Remus’ head on his shoulders.
“I forgive you.” He murmured soothingly. His hand rubbed circles along his back, hoping that he could convey to Remus that he meant every word. “I forgive you.” He whispered again.
Remus stopped shaking and slowly lifted his head to look Severus in the eyes.
“You shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it. Every cut I’ve ever made proves that I don’t deserve it.”
“Then I just need to make sure you stop cutting yourself.”
Remus blinked at him, confused. Severus let out a small sigh.
“I won’t stop you from leaving the school, that was your decision to make, but the summer holidays are soon and…” He trailed off. He brought a hand up and began rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “Well, I would quite like to spend them with you. Only if you’re free of course.”
Although Remus could tell he was nervous, he was impressed that Severus had managed to keep his voice calm while saying something so out of character. He couldn’t help but smile.
“Are you sure you want to spend them with me?” He asked, “I have monthly engagements throughout you know.”
Severus curled his lips at that and for the first time in Remus’ life he saw Severus smile. “I have the skills to accompany you on your engagements, and who knows” he shrugged, “I might like having a wolf curl up beside me every so often.”
Remus chuckled at that, a soft musical sound that Severus hadn’t realised he’d been longing to hear. He made a silent promise to himself to make Remus laugh everyday they were together.
“We could go somewhere quiet, maybe out in the country.” Remus gazed at Severus with those cool grey eyes, a glint of hope tinging them bright.
“Somewhere we can see thousands of stars and point out constellations together.”
“Where we can find rare herbs in the wild meadows and brew up some new concoction.”
Severus brought their foreheads together as he spoke the next words. “Somewhere we’ll be safe together.”
Remus smiled as he brought his lips gently to Severus’. “I always feel safe with you, Severus.”
Severus smiled back at him, cupping Remus’ cheek with his hand and softly caressing it with his thumb. “I always feel whole when I’m with you, Remus. Always.”
The End