It was so cold.
Sirius could feel the freezing air burning his lungs and throat, each breath bringing him immeasurable pain even though it was necessary to stay alive. Numbness coursed through him as he floated on the small piece of wood, holding his lovers’ hand.
“I love you, Remus.” Sirius’s voice shook as chills went through his body. None of the boats had come back despite hours having gone by since the Titanic sank.
Remus was clasping Sirius’s hands in his, holding on to the piece of wood Sirius lay on and shivering as the icy water sloshed around him. He looked into Sirius’s eyes and felt a rush of love and affection despite the stinging bite of the cold overwhelming his body. He wouldn’t let Sirius die. Not here, not like this.
“D-Don’t you do that Sirius. Don’t you say your goodbyes. N-Not yet.”
“Remus-”
“No, Sirius. Y-You’re going to survive this. You’re g-gonna go on, live your l-life, and you’re gonna die an old m-man warm in his bed. Do y-you understand me?” Remus said as he looked Sirius in the eyes, giving him an imploring look.
The sting of the cold was nothing compared to the pain in Sirius’s heart. It was too much, seeing the pale blue of his lover’s lips as he shivered, his voice shaking with the cold. Sirius prayed with everything in him that a boat would come, that they would live to see another day together.
“Boarding this ship, S-Sirius…it was the best t-thing that ever h-happened to me. Because I m-met you. And I would d-do it all over again j-just to meet you. B-Because you are the best t-thing that has ever h-happened to me.”
Only one thought raged in Sirius’s mind in that moment. ‘why us? why like this?’
“P-Promise me, Sirius. Promise me t-that you’ll survive. That you w-won’t give up no m-matter what happens. T-That you’ll never let go. P-Promise me, Sirius.”
“I can’t-”
“Do it f-for me. Please. P-Promise me that you’ll never l-let go.”
“I p-promise.”
Sirius felt his voice waver as tears fell down his cheeks. All his life, he had wanted someone to truly love him like his family never did. But then he met Remus, and somehow the world seemed more beautiful than he could ever imagine. Remus had given him the love he had been looking for, saving him in every way a person can be saved. They had to survive this. Remus Lupin couldn’t die here this way. He was too good for that.
Remus’s cold lips brushed Sirius’s hands softly, and he knew that was his way of saying thank you. Sirius then closed his eyes, waiting for a boat that he wasn’t sure would ever come.
***
Sirius woke up to distant shouting, opening his eyes to see that a boat had finally come back. Hope filled Sirius’s heart as he turned his head to Remus.
“Remus?”
“Remus?”
“There’s a boat, Remus.”
Sirius’s voice wavered, realization hitting him like a punch to the gut. Remus’s eyes were closed, and if he didn’t know better, it looked like he was sleeping. Sobs overtook Sirius’s body as he shook Remus, willing him to move or speak even though deep down he knew it was over. In that moment, Sirius felt content to close his eyes and drift away with his lover. But he remembered the promise he made Remus, the promise that he would make it out of here and live a long life. Sirius looked at Remus’s face, tears streaming down his cheeks as he realized he would never see him again.
“I’ll n-never let go, Remus.”
Sirius kissed Remus’s hands as he slipped into the water, the dark waters dragging his lifeless body under. With the memory of his promise to Remus echoing in his mind, Sirius slipped into the water and picked up a whistle floating near another person. Sirius blew into the whistle with all his might, the shrill sound piercing through the silence of the night.
Suddenly a flashlight landed on his face, and Sirius realized that they had found him. As he was heaved onto the boat and wrapped in a blanket, Sirius felt neither elation nor relief. All he felt was pain. Pain that Remus was gone.
Pain that his love was lost.