Twelve whole years
12 whole years
Remus had hated him for twelve years. Twelve whole years. For absolutely nothing. All that hate had drained away as soon as he had seen the ragged shell of a man standing on his doorstep. All the hate had been knocked out of him in one quick wave. A flood of tears had rolled down his cheeks as he had embraced Sirius. The two of them had stood together, shaking quietly in each other’s arms.
And now, two weeks later, Remus remembers when Dumbledore had come to tell him about Sirius’ innocence. He remembers how he had tapped the end of his cigarette, depositing the ash into the ashtray. Dumbledore had been sensitive enough not to say anything about the dark circles under Remus’ eyes, or the unwashed state of his clothes. When the older man had broken the news, Remus had ceased all function. He had simply stopped. He remembers feeling the anger swell inside of him. Mixing dangerously with the hurt, the sadness and the joy, the anger rose and presented itself. He remembers the next part vividly. He recalls it:
“Remus, you have to listen to me. Yes, Sirius is innocent, but it’s not over. You need to come back to the order-” Dumbledore’s sentence had been drowned by Remus banging his fist on the table.
“No. You do not get to tell me what I need to do. You are the one who caused this. You are the one who made us join your army in the first place. You are the reason Sirius has been in prison for twelve years.” Remus ranted, glaring at Dubmledore’s withering face. “Remus, you all chose to be a part of the order. You, Sirius, Lily and James, Marlene, Dorcas… you were soldiers-” He reasoned. Remus’ chair scraped across the floor as he swiftly rose. “WE WERE YOUR PAWNS.” He seethed, jabbing an accusing finger at the older man. “And don’t you dare say their names. You don’t get to have that privilege. You are the reason-” Remus paused, feeling his voice waver. “You are the reason they are dead.” He finished, wiping his sleeve across his brow.
Remus breathed heavily, fighting the tsunami of emotions threatening to appear. “Remus, please sit down. This is important.” Dumbledore said, calmly. Remus’ gaze levelled with Dumbledore’s. Barely audible, jaw clenched, Remus uttered only two words in reply. “Get. Out.”.
Now, Remus shakes his head in dismissal of the memory. It seemed so distant now he had got Sirius back. Remus brings his gaze down from the ceiling to rest on the crown of Sirius’ head. Remus brought his hand up and stroked the jet black hair that was blanketed over his chest. Sirius was sprawled out on the sofa, resting his head on Remus’ chest. Remus bent his neck to place a tender kiss to Sirius’ hair. Sirius didn’t respond, and Remus could hear a gentle snoring coming from him. He smiled softly, grateful for the opportunity to make up for lost time.
Remus soaked in the simple domesticity of it. It was the only thing he had wanted for twelve years. Twelve whole years.