“Same lips red, same eyes blue
Same white shirt, couple more tattoos
But it's not you and it's not me
Tastes so sweet, looks so real
Sounds like something that I used to feel
But I can't touch what I see”
Remus grasps the edge of the sink, looking down at the running water. It was another night where the pain felt so excruciating that he couldn't breath. It was like every part of his body was lighting up slowly on fire. He let out choke sobs, cursing the world, for taking away the one person that could make him feel alive. Remus felt like someone had punched themselves through his chest and started tearing apart his insides, pulling each artery out and after ripping up his heart piece by piece. It was like he was left with a hollow hole, but yet it still hurt. It still felt like it was ripped out again and again and again, never ending. The pain he felt for losing his soulmate was endless, and in a way he didn’t want the pain to end because that was the only thing he had left from Sirius, the pain, the hurt, the knowing that he once love so much that now all he has is a shatter heart and hallow chest.
He let out a shaky breath, as he tried to scream at the sink that was quickly filling up with water. But his voice was lost, he hasn't spoken in such a long time that he has forgotten what speaking even was, when you couldn't even whisper sweet nothings to the one person you enjoyed making laugh, blush. What was the point of having a voice? He watched as his tears hit the water on the sink, it was almost his tears were enough to fill up a whole room. He just felt like drowning, scratching his chest open to grab whatever he had inside and yell at it. WORK AGAIN, MAKE ME FEEL, PLEASE. But he couldn’t because he is numb, he can’t feel and all he could do is cry, cry, cry.
Remus wiped his nose with the back of his hands, straightening himself up and touching his lip trying to remember how it felt to be kissed by Sirius. Nothing, it just felt like kissing Sirius was starting to become a figment of his imagination. Everything around him was starting to become a dream, like nothing was real. Was he even real anymore? Or did he die when Sirius died, he is convinced he did. Sirius took a piece of his soul with him. A soul that rightfully belongs to Sirius, his soul was never his to keep.
He let out a choke laugh at the ridiculousness of this whole thing. It was a joke, a comedy, almost a prank that Sirius used to like doing when they were kids. Nothing is real, if he looks at the mirror right now he will see that Sirius is coming behind him and wrapping his arms around him and peppering him with kisses and whispering words of love and reassurance. You’re beautiful moony, your love moony, I love you so much Remus Lupin. Remus nodded to himself, and finally dared to look at himself in the mirror. To see how terrible he fucking looks, how his eyes had become sunk in, and his lips had become chappy and his hair is a messed of matted, because why even care anymore right?
“We're not who we used to be
We're not who we used to be"
Remus gasped, when he looked in the mirror. It wasn’t how terrible he looked, how broken. It was the person that was behind him. Remus smiled, I knew this was all a terrible nightmare he thought starting to feel silly with himself. Sirius was standing there looking at him with a smile, walking towards him. Remus closes his eyes waiting for the warmth of Sirius' hot body, waiting for the kisses on his neck, cheek, behind his ear and on the top of his head when Sirius would get on his tippy toes. But it never came, Remus furrowed his eyebrows opening his eyes. Sirius was still standing behind him and smiling at him. But why wasn’t he touching him? Why wasn't he telling Remus how much he loved him? Remus turned around slowly seeing that nobody was behind him, he felt his hope crash and the tears stinging in his eyes once again.
Of course, he isn’t here you idiot. He died, Sirius is dead and now you are hallucinating him. He thought bitterly, turning back around to the mirror. He furrowed his eyebrows again, as tears streamed down his face. He was still there, smiling sadly at him. Remus walked closer to the sink once again and put his hand on the mirror.
Sirius mimicked his moment, and also put his hand in the spot Remus had put his. Remus blinked, and jumped back surprised. Sirius stood there on the other side still with his hand against the mirror. Remus looked around, and smacked himself a couple of times. Nope, he has finally lost it. Remus gazed quickly at the mirror again, as Sirius looked at him rolling his eyes.
“You aren’t hallucinating you idiot” Sirius said, sounding distant.
Remus' breath hitched, as he walked over again scanning the mirror stunned. He still couldn’t find his voice, as Sirius let out an amusing laugh. Oh god his laugh, how much he has missed his laugh. Remus put his hand against the mirror feeling the chilling cold against his finger tips, breathing heavily not believing that this is real and not another nightmare.
“It’s me love” Sirius said trying to reach over, but not being able to, he dropped his other arm down still letting the one hand in the mirror.
“H-how?” Remus croaked. He cleared his throat, trying to find his voice once again and this was the first time he had spoken in a while.
“I think you needed me, love” Sirius said sadly, rubbing the mirror with his thumb in a gesture of his hand on Remus cheek.
Remus closed his eyes trying to feel his touch, he felt the tears starting to fall once again. He missed his warm touch, he missed his voice, he missed him so much. “I miss you”
“I know moony, I miss you so much but you have to let me go and learn how to live again” Sirius said.
Remus snapped his eyes open. “No, I don't wanna learn to live without you”
“Moony, my love, my world, my soul you have too. I can't keep seeing you killing yourself.” Sirius exclaimed.
“I don’t know what to do without you” Remus sobbed, looking at Sirius greyish blue eyes. It hurt so much, he felt his heart squeeze once again already starting to drain any blood that he had left. He felt his breathing become heavy, and he let out loud sobs. He couldn’t do this anymore, everyone had left him and now he didn’t have anyone. He didn’t have Sirius.
“It will be okay, I love you so much Remus” Sirius said, reaching his hand out the mirror and placing it on Remus cheek. Remus closed his eyes again, feeling the cold hand giving him chills down his spine.
“I love you Sirius, so much… I miss you so much” Remus whispered, putting his warm hand on the cold one. For a split second it felt okay, that maybe it will be okay. That he needed this, a final goodbye. Even though goodbye was something he never wanted to experience, it was something he would never wish on his worst enemy. The bathroom suddenly felt hot again, he opened his eyes slowly and looked at himself in the mirror. Sirius wasn’t there anymore. Remus let out a shaky breath and turned around to walk back into the room, as he walked to his room he closed the door and leaned his back against the door. The door suddenly felt cold, and he knew that he was not alone.
“I love you” Remus whispered.
I love you mouthed Sirius ghost, on the other side clutching his chest.
“We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat”