Remus stood in the hallway of his apartment complex, fumbling for his keys, hoping his new roommate was already asleep. Living with Sirius had been... an adjustment, to say the least. It was hard battling his ever growing feelings for his childhood best friend as well as Sirius’ trauma and sadness. After finding out that he had been innocent all along, all Remus wanted to do was touch and kiss and...do other things to Sirius that he would rather not think about right now seeing as though his apartment building hall at 1 am in the morning wasn’t exact the idea place for arousal. But Sirius... Sirius had shut himself off. He could see how hurt, empty, and broken he was, every single day. But sometimes, Sirius would smile at him, and those moments were for Remus like stars suddenly appearing in a dark sky. Sirius utterly took his breath away, regardless of what he did. It was hard for him, he didn’t know how to act, how to help. As he entered his flat, he noticed Sirius sitting on the couch, blankly staring at the window. He wasn’t expecting this.
“Hi.” He stood at the doorway, not knowing how to act around the man who was so close yet so far away. “I didn’t think you’d still be awake.”
“Can’t sleep.” He answered, not looking away from the window. “Not after... you know.”
He did. He really did. In all honesty, Remus hadn’t slept for more than 3 hours a night in 12 years. Losing all of his friends, the love of his life, thinking he had been betrayed by the person he felt the closest to had broken him beyond words. He fell back onto addictions, alcohol, nicotine, sex, he did anything to make himself forget, every single day. But Sirius was here now. He was more important. Sirius had been through worse, of course he understood.
“Yeah. I do.” He whispered. He stood there silently. Remus wanted to talk to him, so he did the only thing he could think of on the spot.
“Do you... want some tea? I was thinking about making some anyways.”
Sirius took a while to answer, as if hesitating. “Sure. Thanks.”
Remus moved over to the kitchen. He let the water boil. Making Sirius tea for the first time after 12 years made him think of all the fond memories he had of the two of them, still young, innocent, hopelessly in love, seriously believing they could take on the world simply because they had each other. He still remembered the way Sirius took his tea, how could he forget?
“Splash of milk and one sugar, right?”
“Yeah.” Sirius turned to him suddenly, his gaze stuck on Remus. “Oh. Wow.” A subtle smile grew on his face. “You still remember that.”
Remus’ heart ached at that. Of course I remember, you twat. I’m head over heels for you. Sirius’ doubt for his own importance hurt, because he knew that he deserved the world. More even, he deserved a universe full of galaxies and stars and beauty and wonder and everything that he could ever want.
“Of course.” He stared into his eyes. “It’s you.”
Sirius blinked at that, he hadn’t expected it. A fair tint of blush grew on his cheeks.
“Oh.”
Remus exited the kitchen and walked into the living room, setting both teacups onto the very obviously dirty table, stained with whiskey and cigarettes burns, the scars of Remus’ past alone. Sirius was sitting on the couch, and he hesitated for a moment as to where he should sit, wanting Sirius close but scared to death of pushing him away with his affection. He settled on the chair opposite the couch. For what felt like forever, both men, troubled by loss and loneliness, sipped their tea in utter silence. Suddenly, Sirius spoke up.
“I’ve been thinking... about where I should go from here.”
“Oh.” He hadn’t expected that. Somehow Remus had forgotten about everything else and thought that he would always have Sirius for himself. He was kidding himself, apparently. “Well, you’re always welcome to stay with me. But, what else did you have in mind?”
His chest ached at the idea of losing Sirius’ closeness again.
“Dumbledore… he offered for me to rejoin the Order.”
Remus scoffed at the idea.
“Christ, he’s unbelievable. That man literally ruined our lives and expects you to come back to him like a puppy.”
Sirius stared at him with utter earnestness.
“I’m going, Remus”, he answered blankly.
He stared at him in shock, how could he do this to himself? Remus grew angry, at Dumbledore, himself, but mainly Sirius, how could he leave him again?
“What? Are you mental?”
“It’s decided. I will go.” He paused for a long time. Suddenly, “Are you coming with me?” The rage Remus had bottled down for so long finally burst, he stood up, raising his voice.
“No, Sirius! Merlin, don’t you understand? If we get back in, we’re going to die.” He paused, the weight of this words getting to him. “If we go back, we will end up dead.”
“I don’t care! I have to do this!”
Sirius raised his voice in anger, trying to convince both Moony and himself that this was the right call. He stood up, meeting Remus’ confrontational tone.
Remus couldn’t take it anymore.
“No! Fucking hell, you don't.”
He stared into Sirius’ eyes. The man he still loved, even after all this time, and what he saw, to his surprise, was only hurt and vulnerability.
“I don’t know how else to live.”
Sirius muttered, sadly. He looked down at the floor, scared to be seen this way, even by the person he’s always felt closest to. Remus took a step forward and took Sirius’ hand. He was starting to cry, despite how much he hated doing that.
“Let’s figure it out, together. But I’m not letting go one more time, do you understand? I refuse to lose you again.”
Sirius looked up, their eyes met. Simply the way they looked at each other told a story the length of a galaxy of words.
“I love you”, Sirius said, as tears streamed down his face. He sighed deeply, smiling. “Wow, I haven’t said that in such a long time… “ he bit his lip. “ I still mean every word.”
This filled Remus with a feeling of relief so grand he thought he was taking his first breath in 12 years.
“Me too. I’m not letting you go.”
Sirius sighed. He felt hopeless, exhausted, he just wanted Remus to hold him.
“Moony, I don’t know how to live for myself anymore. All I’ve ever known is war, loss.”
“I know, love.” the nickname felt perfect coming from his mouth, like things were finally falling into place. “I haven’t been myself ever since the day I lost you”, he paused, his gaze still fixed on Sirius’, “but I think we can figure this out together. Just you and I.” He thought of all the people he would disappoint if they were to blindly join the Order again, ignoring all the hurt it had caused the people they loved most. “For James. For Lily. For Harry. And for us. We deserve better than to be destroyed by a war we were always too young to take part in.”
Sirius looked vulnerable, more than he had in a very long time. He was scared, to try to be happy again, to accept that he didn’t have to do this, to be himself again.
“You really think so? Maybe I’m just too fucking much like my family.”
Remus took his lover’s face in his hands, and laughed, as tears streamed down his exhausted-looking face.
“Shut it, you twat, you’re nothing like them. You may have done some things wrong, but you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met. Your real family are the Potters, and I’m so sorry you had to lose them, because you deserve better than that. I know it’s hard to believe, but you do… you deserve…”
As Remus stumbled for his words, overwhelmed by the fear of losing Sirius and the intensity of his feelings for the man standing opposite him, he was pulled into a kiss. A kiss so gentle, yet so loving and hungry for more. Remus, after 12 years of utter loneliness and misery, felt himself being whole again. It was as if nothing had changed, they were just two 17 year old boys, hopelessly in love and completely oblivious to the hurt the world would soon bring them. He felt Sirius smile into the kiss, and everything had finally fallen into place. Mine, he thought, you’re never leaving me again. I won’t fucking let you.
As they pulled apart, desperately catching their breath, Remus looked into the eyes of the only person he’s ever truly loved, and prayed to a god he knew didn’t exist for a better ending, for the hurt to stop, for relief, and love, and more kissing.
Sirius was staring into his eyes. He looked so skinny, so hurt, so tired, but... his lips were swollen, his cheeks rosy for the first time since they’d met again. Remus smiled. All he could see in his gaze was perfection. Sirius was by far the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, and he was sure in this moment that he would never let him go.
After a moment, Sirius spoke up gently.
“I’m so in love with you it hurts, Moony. I don’t think I could ever live without you.”
He pressed his forehead to his, and sighed. Remus let out a breathy laugh, still in tears:
“So don’t go off and die then, you idiot. You don’t need to prove that you’re worth loving by getting yourself killed.”
He breathed in heavily, his face only an inch away from Sirius. He was going to say something he hasn’t said in over 12 years, something he had trying to stop himself from feeling for just as long.
“I already do.”
“What?” Sirius whispered.
“I already love you. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.”
Remus was desperate, he couldn’t handle being alone again, he needed Sirius, he needed to be loved.
“Please”, he whispered. “Please. Love, please, I love you, I promise, just don’t leave me again.”
Tears ran down his cheeks as he begged the love of his life to stay. He knew that if Sirius were to decide to go, he would follow him anywhere. He would follow him back into the Wizarding World, he would follow him on his way to Dumbledore, the man who betrayed their trust and used them as they were only children, he would follow him into the path of death. Because one thing was certain, Sirius was worth dying for.
Feeling as though he couldn’t breathe again, Remus’ legs gave out. He sobbed on the floor, overwhelmed by the sudden surges of emotions he had repressed for so long with nicotine and fire whiskey. Sirius sat down next to him and wrapped the love of his life in his arms. He held him, and he held him, because he understood what it was like needing to be held, and because there was nothing he wanted to do more. He lifted Remus’ chin and lovingly stared into his eyes.
“Shh..", he whispered. “Moony, Moony, darling, I’m here. I’m sorry.”
He wiped the tears from his cheeks.
“You’re right. I’m never letting you out of my sight again. You’re worth staying for. Merlin, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
He brushed his messy curls off of his forehead, still staring into his eyes, muttering apologies and little words of praise.
“Please don’t leave me.” Remus whispered with the last of his strength.
Sirius bent down and kissed him, so gently it almost felt like a dream, but Remus knew this was real.
“Of course, I won’t. I promise.”
He never left, his hands still on his Moony’s back, he didn’t move until he knew he could, and he didn’t mind, not for a second. For the first time in so long, he had someone to care for. And it wasn’t just someone, it was Remus, the only person that mattered.
After a while, Remus dosed off into sleep. Sirius brought him a pillow and a blanket, laying them down on the floor to make him more comfortable. After settling Remus, he came down next to him and wrapped his arm around his waist. They slept for 8 hours, without screams or tremors or nightmares, no, just 8 hours of peace.
As Remus woke up and saw his lover’s face, so peaceful and content, he knew. This is how it should be.