Tired was an understatement for Detective sergeant Lisa Swain. So much was going on with Carla being in hospital , Betsy grieving for Mason, work never not being busy, the guilt she felt for getting Mason involved with his brothers again. She never felt like she could rest.
She was burning the candle at both ends and she knew it. She just couldn't stop, she had to keep going. It's what she had done after Becky died but this time rather than throwing herself into work when things got tough she was trying to look after everyone.
Once again she was neglecting her own feelings. She knew she had Carla to confide in but she really didn't want to make her worry. She knew how bad Carla felt for not being able to be there properly while she was stuck in hospital so she wouldn't add any more stress, not when she was already in kidney failure.
No she would be ok keep on going she couldn't crack not now. When she was alone at night in bed is when she finally let the mask slip let everything wash over her. It was lonely being in Carla's bed without her sleep was hard to come by and when it did her dreams no nightmares were filled with all the worst cases.
Carla not making it the kidney failure making her more sick.
Betsy being the one at the end of the knife.
Mason's face she was so horrible to him painted him with the same brush as those scumbags. When he was nothing like them he was brave he didn't deserve this.
She knew the bags under her eyes were getting worse thank god for makeup and coffee she was sure her body was like 90% coffee at this point.
Pulling herself up and out of bed she had to get through the day she took a deep breath and got herself centred for another day of being strong for those who needed her to be. Getting ready was autopilot at this point she had managed about 3 hours uninterrupted sleep last night which is a win after having far less the last few nights.
After getting dressed she was ready to be DS swain the clothes almost made her have a different persona. Was easier to be less emotional.
Entering the kitchen she saw Betsy sat at the table just staring into space cereal and coffee abandoned in front of her. As she walked passed she kissed her on top of the head, made herself a coffee and a fresh one for bets.
“Morning love.” she wasn't really expecting a response so she sat with her own breakfast
After a few moments betsy registered her presence
“Sorry mum morning. what time you finished today” Betsy said looking at her mum looking smaller like the little girl who had her world ripped apart when she found out her mum was gone.
“Well i'm on half day then i'm going to check on Carla and maybe spend a couple of hours there with her.”
“I might go there after college if that's ok.”
“Course it is love you are sure about going in if you are not ready you don't have to.” that was different to a normal morning where she had to practically beg Betsy to go into college.
“Yeah I need the distraction, it might help. But if not then I'll let you know.”
“Okay love, I can give you a lift if you're ready in 5.”
After dropping Betsy off at college she made her way to work. Just as she readies herself to be DS swain she takes a steadying breath. Work was the place she felt she could be the most in control no matter what happened she was prepared to find the solution.
She rounded her desk and found the pile of cases stacked up no matter how many she got rid of there was always 10 more to add into the pile the next day. She got cracking on reading through and figuring out which one was the most pressing and which she could pass down or ones she could send PC’s out to get witness statements and so what.
As she was engrossed reading a witness statement for one of her assault cases she was interrupted.
“Sarge, could I borrow you a second.” DC green shouted from his desk
She made her way over
“Just going through the witness statements and Dylan's involvement in Mason's death I just wanted to check something.”
Lisa wasn't often needed by Kit. He often tried to show he was more than capable of doing everything on his own and often acted like he was better than most. She was skeptical of what he wanted, always sensing he was after her job. Any over officer and she wouldn't bat an eyelid at helping.
However she also knew that Kit was aware this case was personal and that the Radcliffes had hurt her family in more ways than one. So for once it seemed he was putting his ego aside and was making sure the case was watertight so that there was no way it could be dismissed or pulled to pieces in court.
What she wasn't so prepared for was the crime scene photos she had been there and got a brief look at the blood that was on the floor of the playground but she'd been so consumed by Betsy and getting to the hospital she had sort of not really dwelled on it.
Then there were the pictures of Mason's body, the ones that would be used to describe the damage and on the coroner's report. She had seen many dead body’s in her time. She'd even seen her late wifes up close seeing the damage caused. It shouldn't affect her like it does but it makes her take a sharp breath, one that doesn't go unnoticed by her DC.
“Everything ok?” Kit asked
“Yeah sorry, I should be used to this. Bets was asking to see mason. I'm just glad i didnt let her no I don't want her last memory of him to be like that. Anyway I think everything you have done is good Dylan unfortunately will have to face the consequences. Mason may still be here if he hadn't bought the knife. All we need now is Logan then I don't see how they can riggle out of this one. If that's all, I better get back on.”
“Thank you. We will get them Lisa, they can't walk away this time.” kit added as he got back on
The image of mason was stuck on Lisa's mind; she was sure that would be added to her nightmares. She couldn't focus on the rest of her work staring at the screen for a further 20 mins.
Needing a break from her desk she spied the clock 11:35am she knew she wasn't getting any work done so miles as well take an early lunch. She headed to roys.
Standing in the que she had so much going around her mind she didn't notice it was her time to order.
“Detective sergeant.” roy said
“Sorry Roy miles away, can I have my usual please.”
“Yes certainly are you going to see Carla today i'm sure she will need the extra support with this new infection set in .”
“Yeah i'm going to finish work at about 2 then go and see her.”
“Wait sorry did you say new infection”
“Ahh i rang her earlier and she told me they suspected she had another i had thought you had known. She was probably going to tell you herself later. She told me not to worry, they had already started the course of antibiotics.”
“Right okay yeah. I guess she was just waiting. But I shall go and find out more later.” Lisa said feeling like more weight was added to her shoulders.how much more could Carla go through.
“Okay then i shall go tomorrow morning then.” With that Roy carried on preparing Lisa's lunch still lost in her thoughts she missed the way Roy eyed her noticing she didn't seem her usual sharp self. Knowing Carla would no doubt ask if he had seen Lisa and if she was ok he knew he would have to raise his concerns.
“Here you are detective.” roy said
“Cheers roy see you later.”
Just as Lisa was about to make her way back to her car her phone rang.
“Hey Bets you ok.”
She never got a response all she heard was sobbing down the phone making her heart break even more.
“ i…i…. Can’t believe hes gone mum i cant …… i cant breathe
Lisa was aware betsy was having another panic attack having suffered them alot when becky died.
“Bets listen to me i want to you listen out for 5 things you can hear if you cant say them out loud just think them.
After a short moment
“I still i ….cant
“Okay not what can you see 5 things say them bets
“The ground , the swings , the fence , the shop , the flats.”
Lisa had an idea just where betsy was setting off on foot to find her daughter.
“Okay now 5 things you can smell. You’re doing well darling.”
“The air , the grass, cake , chips, my perfume.” as betsy had finished reeling them off the felt herself begin to breathe more normally.
At the same time lisa had made it to find her daughter sitting on the floor of the precinct where mason was killed looking so small and just like the little girl Lisa remembers.
Lisa hangs up the phone and sits down next to Betsy pulling her into a hug.
“He's really gone mum…. I dont know how to keep going. We argued I never got to tell him I loved him, not when he could hear it. I tried to talk to him as they wheeled him off but i dont know he heard me. I'll never get a chance to tell him I was wrong, he was nothing like them low lifes.”
Just holding her daughter while she cried, rocking her gently Lisa was keeping her own tears at bay knowing she needed to be strong for her.
“Why does everyone leave me first mum, now mason, carla is so sick what if …what if she's next then you i'll lose you you'll blame me for carla and then i will be all on my own. I cant mum i can't lose you as well please.”
The tears were escaping Lisa now she couldn't help it not when her little girl sounded so broken so fragile she knew none of this was betsy fault her or Carla didn't blame her for the sepsis or kidney damage they hadn't even discussed it. knowing this is what betsy was carrying around with her was breaking her heart even more.
“Darling, look at me. None of this is your fault. Carla is in the best place and will be ok. We will make sure of it. As for me, even if anything did happen I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't leave you no matter what it is me and you against the world. I wish i could take the pain away that you hadn't had to deal with all the grief at such a young age. Mason knew how you felt one little argument does not change that and torturing yourself over it will only make it worse trust me i know. Me and your mum argued the day she was killed and I let it eat me up inside for years. It felt like she didn't know how much I loved her. Like it made our love less just because of one argument.”
“But she did. I wished for so long that I could have told her everything I felt that if that morning I hugged her and told her I loved her, kissed her goodbye as if that would have meant she would still be here. Mason would have known he heard you say it at the end. I'm sure of it he was still conscious and alive but even if not he knew how you felt darling okay. Besides he sat through a whole dinner with me he deffo wouldn't have done that if he didn't feel the same.”
“I didn't know you and mum argued you never said. She knew how much you felt it was sickening the way you're too used to look at each other. I'm sorry i wasn't there for you when mum died i should have been a better daughter not taken it all out on you.”
“See now if you are saying mum knew then so did mason. And it's my job as your mum to try and spare you. You were so young and didn’t deserve that. grief is a horrible thing and we both didn't go about it the healthy way but we are here now and doing much better and i know bex would be proud of both of us. I'd also like to think that she was up there looking out for Mason as well so he's not on his own. No matter what you can talk to me, tell me what's going on.” Lisa pressed a kiss to Betsy's head.
“I'd like the thought of mum looking out for him. I mean she will defo be interrogating him giving him a hard time. And the same goes for you. I'm not so little anymore, let me be there for you. It must be scary all that Carla is going through. You don't have to carry the burden alone mum. Let me carry some of the weight.” betsy hugged her mum tighter
“Oh yeah bex wouldn't let him off the hook that easy.I know love I know Carla is tough as old boots she'll be ok. right let's get off the floor before we get any more funny looks. Do you want to take you home or to the hospital with me. I can just the station tell them somethings come up I’m owed more then enough personal time.”
“No i think ill be ok im gonna go see sabrina if that's okay then i'll come to the hospital later let you have some time with carla on your own. Thanks again mum for being here.”
“Anytime love if you need anything call and if you need a lift later i think ryan might be going give him a text if not i can come and get you.”
With one last hug the swains walked off in opposite directions. Lisa again felt like more had been added to her.
She knew Betsy was struggling but to listen to everything she was scared about losing Carla wasn't something Lisa had thought about too much but now with this new complication and everything else it could be a possibility she knew how scared her girlfriend was. She had tried to be positive not dwell on the worst case but that could happen.
She could lose the person who has helped her find happiness again, the person who infuriated her for months and months got under her skin. The first person to see her beyond the badge. The person who made her way through the DS armour made her fall head over heels. She couldn't be on her own again she don’t think she’d make it this time.
This felt like the camel that broke the back everything she had been holding in threatened to spill out so she couldn't stop it.
Feeling the whole world spin around her, Lisa could feel her knees were going to give way. She moved autopilot sat on the bench in Victoria gardens and just sobbed all the emotion she had been holding in for weeks came spilling out.
She couldn't save Carla, she couldn't give her what she needed, she couldn't take the pain away from Betsy, she couldn't keep them safe. She failed. The one thing Lisa wanted was for them to be okay.
“Dec….Lisa is everything ok….. “ the words died on roy's lips as he seen the state of the woman in front of him
Without saying another word he went and sat next to her offering the tissue from his pocket to her. Just being a presence next to her.
Lisa found it oddly comforting to have someone there even if she also felt that flicker of embarrassment of him seeing her like this. She didn't often let her emotions show too much to consider people thinking she's less of a copper if she cries or shows any emotion. Like the description for the job is hard faced and no emotions.
After a few more moments of her just crying and trying to compose herself, Lisa looked at Roy and went to open her mouth.
“No need to explain or apologise. If i am honest i have been concerned for you, you have a lot on your plate and i have noticed you seem to be putting on a brave face. Especially when it comes to Carla. I know she won't admit it openly but she is scared and I imagine she has shared that with you. And I think you don't want to be a burden to her by expressing your own anguish as a way to save her from any more worry.”
“But I for one know that you can't carry all this on your own and Carla would gladly listen and be there no matter what she is facing. Now I did promise I wouldn't say anything but given the circumstances I think it is important she has expressed to me her concern you seem to be carrying too much and asked me to keep an eye out. It is better to share with others our troubles then try and carry the burden ourselves. I think you need to talk to someone if not Carla then at least someone else.”
“I know Roy I should tell her but she's so sick and she needs all her strength to recover. I don't want to tell her I am terrified I might lose her. That for the first time in 3 years I finally let myself be happy and choose my own feelings for it to be like this. I can't lose her as well. I don't think i would survive it again. I know she is scared that she might not make it so i can't go and add to that and tell her how i really feel show her i’m worried she might not make it. That will only make her fears stronger. you know she tried to give me an out when she first went in and told me i didn't sign up for this so i should just cut my losses and leave.”
“As if I ever would do that for one it would be no less painful if something did happen and I walked away. I love her so much I told her no matter what I am here. Then betsy she is hurting so much that i am trying to be strong and be there for her. She is scared of losing Carla as well. She's suffered so much loss I’ve tried to be there for them both to make sure they are getting through the day. It's hard but I have to be strong for them both I have too.”
“Ahh yes Carla often thinks she is too easy to let go that people will just forget and move on from her being hurt too much in the past. It has left her with emotional wounds that she often finds accepting that someone is willing to stay too hard to believe. I am grateful she met you as of late she has been happier and lighter and I hate to say it but you being in her life has given her something to fight for a reason to keep going. I fear if this would have happened a year ago well Carla would have been more reluctant to get better. As for Betsy she had suffered more then most but you don’t have to be strong all the time, that is something no one can do all the time if by your own words you need to be strong to them at there time of need who is doing the same for you when you feel the its getting too much. To show people feelings and vulnerability is a much better way to help them better navigate There feelings that shows them not being ok is in fact ok.”
“I hate that she thinks that as if she is just some easily replaceable thing she is everything to me and Betsy. That's another thing keeping me up at night. I know I screwed up last time with Becky acting okay not showing Betsy I was hurting to. I’m trying to be more open we are talking more.”
“If I can be honest Lisa just be honest with Carla about what it is that you're feeling even if you think it's too much. She would rather be there for you then worry that you are taking on the world but it affecting your health as well. As for one thing, I know Carla is a fighter and she is strong. I do believe she will overcome this. Now I will leave you but if you need someone to listen or just a place to go when things are feeling too much my door is always open. “ roy said as he stood
“Thank you Roy, you really are an incredible person. I appreciate this more than you know.” Lisa said with a smile as she watched Roy walk off.
She knew just what she needed to do.