Same mistakes - Angst
He remembered this feeling. It had numbed over the past few years. What was once a heart wrenching pain that ripped him to shreds from the inside out had now settled down into a constant headache. He wasn’t sure what was worse. At least when it hurt more, he could remember her. It felt like proper mourning. With the pain only in the back of his mind, it just felt like a constant reminder. Anything he did reminded him of her. Now it was happening all over again.
Severus sighed and poured himself another glass of fire whiskey. Drinking to forget. Something he had tried to not do, but it was a dirty habit. Something he was ashamed of. Another thing he had picked up from his muggle father. Though he couldn’t deny as the alcohol burned his throat it offered a sweet release from the night’s events. As each day progressed, the dark lord was gaining power. Power he was using to end people’s lives. Seeing people killed daily was taking its toll on him. Nights had become sleepless as the sounds of their final screams echoed around in his head.
Countless men and women he had watched die. Those whom he could not save from the same fate as the ones he loved. Severus had started to wonder if anyone on this earth even still cared for him at this point. It seemed everyone was using him for some sort of gain. Just once he wished someone wanted him for him and not for what he could provide. He pushed aside the crystal cup once it was emptied and instead took up the decanter.
Last night, the dark lord had ordered his followers to go to the home of some muggles. Severus thought it was just going to be business as usual. Those who yearned to kill, specifically Bellatrix and Fenrir, would rush in and get the first taste of blood. While the others casted the dark mark or smashed all their belongings. Severus never wished to participate in the act of taking another’s life, he would stay to the back and knock over a few things until the job was done. That’s exactly how the night went…at first.
Screams filled the home. He no longer had to fight to hide his grimaces, the sounds ceased to affect him years ago. This was simply another job to him. An act, a performance. If he told himself this, it would let him justify the little emotions he felt. How he didn’t even flinch as the sound of bodies hit the floor. Severus had joined others in destroying the home. Several of the hooded and masked men were tossing books into the fireplace.
He trailed his hands over the mantle piece, knocking over items as he swept along. Picture frames, snow globes, and other things that smashed as they toppled to the floor. Just as he neared the final item, he paused. He snatched up the ornate golden frame and peered at its inhabitants. Ice ran through his veins, similar to how one feels when encountering a dementor.
Posing in the picture, all with smiling faces and bright eyes was you and your family. You had all been crowded together on the sofa, the same one that had been being ripped to shreds just moments ago. Severus hands shook as he gripped the frame. It was you. Hiscolleague at Hogwarts, but not just that. You had been his friend back during your time together as students. He swallowed thickly as he fought back tears. Was your lifeless body upstairs? Which thud had been yours?
“She’s a pretty one isn’t she?” Fenrir Greyback chuckled. Reaching out to stroke the picture of your face with his clawed finger. “She wasn’t here tonight though, must still be at the castle. We’ll get her when the Malfoy boy lets us in. I can’t wait to get a taste of her.” He snarled and licked his lips, removing the blood that previously stained them.
Severus temporary relief was quickly overshadowed with fear. There had to be some sort of way to warn you. After all, Draco still hadn’t fixed the vanishing cabinet. Time was on his side, at least he thought it was. Bella and the others had joined everyone downstairs. Everyone still reeling from the rush of a kill. While no one was looking, he slipped the photo from the frame and stuffed it into the pocket of his robes.
“Wish the little mudblood was here. Would’ve been fun to make her watch as her mummy and daddy begged for their lives.” A chorus of laughter erupted followed Bella’s statement. “Snape will finish the job though, won’t you?” She brought her wand up to rest on the corner of her mouth, focusing her attention solely on Severus.
“I do not do your bidding Bella. I only do as the dark lord wishes.” His voice was calm and collected, but on the inside he was struggling to keep his composure.
“And the dark lord wishes for the mudblood to die! She is a disgrace.” Bellatrix pushed over several people to make her way over to him, convinced she detected disloyalty from the man. “She teaches witches and wizards of muggles. Sings their praises. Disgusting.” Bellatrix spat. He stared down at her through narrowed eyes.
“But of course, Bella. However, she isn’t here tonight so let us return to the dark lord.” Time. That’s all he needed. Not even a lot of it. Just enough to get you out of harm’s way.
“Trying to slip out of the dirty work again Severus?” Bellatrix smirked as she regarded him.
Severus bit back the swears and insults he so desperately wished to hurl at her. He was much more levelheaded than her and refused to sink to her level. “If you wish to waste time faffing around, be my guest. I must return to the castle and deal with Draco.”
And with that, he apparated away. Leaving a huffy Bellatrix in his wake. Severus knew it would be too dangerous to tell you himself. So, he confunded one of the prefects he caught wandering the halls and sent them to your office. He hoped that by morning, you would have abandoned the castle and gone into hiding.
It seemed his plan had worked as you weren’t at breakfast and hadn’t shown up to any of your classes all day. Severus was quite pleased with himself. He hadn’t managed to save Lily all those years ago, but at least he saved someone. Even if that meant now putting himself in danger. It wouldn’t take long for someone to connect the pieces of what happened. Hopefully by then, it would be too late for anyone to retaliate against him.
While the rest of the staff had spent the whole day in confusion at your sudden disappearance, Severus was relieved. When Minerva caught him walking the halls with a bit of a spring in his step, she confronted him.
“You seem quite happy today Severus. Aren’t you worried about Y/N?”
Severus chose his next words carefully. He didn’t need them coming back to haunt him. “Never really liked the girl. I’m sure she’s run off to pursue one of those nonsensical dreams she always talked about.” He brushed her off and stalked back towards the dungeons. Ready to have a celebratory glass of fire whiskey.
At least some good had come out of being a death eater.
That’s what he had told himself only an hour ago. Before Minerva has busted into his room with a copy of the daily prophet clutched in her hand. Since then, he had reread the pages over and over trying to make sense of them.
‘Muggle family murdered in Nottingham’ Headlined the paper. Severus allowed his blood-shot eyes to rake over the paragraph once again. The one that had caused him to down the several servings of whiskey tonight.
‘It is believed you know who was behind this attack as the dark mark was spotted circling the house. The victims were Y/N L/N and her family. Miss L/N was the muggle studies professor at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. One of the neighbors of the L/N family, a ministry official who was close with the L/Ns, spotted the mark and immediately alerted Miss L/N to which she arrived about an hour later. No further details have been shared. The ministry would like to remind-’
Severus eyes fell from the page and onto the small amount amber liquid he had left. How could he had let this happen again? Another death on his hands. He just had to return to the castle. If he had stayed, he could have saved you. All he would have needed to do was grab you and apparate away. You could have spent the rest of your lives together. Sure, you would have been on the run, but at least you would be together. You would have been alive and that’s all he wished for.
Severus slammed his head down onto the table. If only he had realized this years ago. He had been so focused on Lily. On righting the wrongs he made which caused her death. He had been so blind that he allowed another to become tangled in his web. Everyone who ever grew close to him died. That is why he refused to return your affections.
You had been there after Lily’s death to comfort him. You of course didn’t know all the details but let him seek comfort within your arms. Once you started working at Hogwarts, those feelings you had for him when you were younger only blossomed. Severus cared for you deeply which is why he pushed you away every time you got close. Though nothing was as successful as when he flat out rejected you. He said he would never love another as he had Lily and that was enough for you to never try again. You both grew apart afterwards. It was easier like that. But now Severus beat himself up at the idea that maybe if he had allowed you in and given it a chance then maybe you would still be here. You could play chess together as you had often done in the library during your school years or come up with new spells and potion recipes.
Severus twirled his wand in his hands in thought. He could only think of one thing to relieve the ache in his heart. He brought the tip of his wand to his temple and with great difficulty, extracted the memory from his head. He dropped the long silver shimmering strand into the empty decanter and closed it. Finally, he tossed it into the fire along with the copy of the daily prophet, and the photo of you and your family. Effectively erasing any memory of you as anything other than a fellow professor.